I'm coming out of my cage.......

So today is my 2 week milestone and the last few days have been a struggle.........so I've done 2 things today, 1 of which to build more barriers to prevent me gambling again and the other to remind myself (which turned out into shocking myself) as to why I am so desperate to be free of this addiction......I wondered whether I should share or not, but I think it's worthwhile so it gives you all another reason to believe and to strengthen your resolve in staying clean......so, here goes:-

1) I walked into two of the major high street bookies today and enquired about self-exclusion. I have not been into my local town for 2 weeks as I was too scared to......why should I be constrained from going places just because I have money in my pocket - so my self challenge is I go back in before next Sunday, with my passport picture and fill in the forms to self exclude - 4 of them within a hundred yards of each other. Of course, the only thing that will be in my pockets when I go in will be my phone, my car keys and my photographs!!!

2) now here's the shocker - I did an assessment today of my bank account......what have I spent in the last 2 weeks, versus the two weeks before I stopped......

2a) in the last two weeks my my mum has withdrawn £300 from my account and still has £160 of it. Net spend after all standard outgoings (mortgage etc.) of £140 discretional spend.

2b) in the two weeks prior to stopping I switched in shop and online to the 2 biggest high street bookies a total of £2250. In addition, I withdrew a total of £1780 - total discretional spend........of which none of it was my own, it was all into overdraft, of £4030.

Frightening huh?? How could I have done that? What I lost in that 2 weeks will take me 5 months to pay back & that's only if my spending continues at the levels of the last 2 weeks.......plus living with my parents (& still managing to pay the mortgage on my daughters house).

So, if you need a reason to believe, I suggest you repeat my exercise of today. I believe.....I have started my new life and I hope so badly that each of you continue your new lives with me. We need to.

I am healthier, I am happier, I am wealthier........I am Mr Brightside........aged 41, friend of recovering gambling addicts, a gambling addict myself, but a winner, surrounded by wonderful people who are also winners!!!!!

Here's to Day 15 tomorrow........for all of us!!!

Day 15 gone and another mini victory.

I'm tired and angry today. Lots to speak about but no appetite to tonight.

Headlines - I self excluded from the 4 shops in my town today........In my head it was meant to feel great - felt like s*i*........will post more about my experience tomorrow.

I finished work today - off until 3rd Jan.

Probably more, but not sure what to say tonight without being judged by others, slated for having a

mental health issue or subjected to unhelpful vitriol.

Tomorrow's a new day.

Mr Brightside

Well done Mr Brightside, what guts it must have taken to physically go in and self exclude and I can imagine how you must have felt. You're an inspiration to me and others. Keep going one day at a time - I really admire you paying your daughters mortgage at the same time as paying off your debts. You're 41 years young and have a life time of happiness - gamble free ahead of you. I'm back it day 1 - today I have not gambled and have self excluded from two online slots sites.

Mo

Morning Mo/Julie - thanks for the posts and especially for the encouragement - it came just at the right time for me........needed it.........and wakening up to it has just strengthened my resolve to keep going.

Julie - you're right that yesterday was a rough day, but now, I feel free from the access and can now look forward to going into town without the fearing of knowing "I could just nip in if I wanted to".......it's such a strange situation......imposing shackles on myself

actually feels so liberating!!

Mo - congratulations on Day 1 and especially for self excluding from the on lines. The removal of access has been so important for me. Keep posting mate and when you feel the urges, step into the forum and talk it out. Felt alien to me to begin with, but couldn't be without it now!!

Day 16, feeling positive. I have strength today and am going to win through and be ready to fight the urges........oh and the other Christmas shoppers!!

Once again Julie's and Mo - your words came at exactly the right time - thanks.

And finally.......to hear my family tell me yesterday that they were proud of me meant the world. I want to deserve more of that!!!

Mr Brightside

Hi mr b

Thank you for the post. Keep on the right track, you are doing right thing.

Nothing changes if nothing changes

Day at a time

Merry Xmas and enjoy it with people who matters the most - family and loved ones

Take care

Sandra

......16 days clean and going ok!

Tomorrow is going to be a weird experience.........I don't know if any of you are smokers, but you know that way when you are on a flight somewhere, not being able to smoke doesn't really bother you because some switch in your head goes on and you know you simply can't do it? However, once you've landed, you can't think of anything else but smoking and you must must must have a P**f??

Well, tomorrow is the flight......I'm self excluded from onlines so can't, and even if I wasn't self excluded from the high street bookies, I couldn't bet anyway 'cos they're closed so I really don't think tomorrow will be difficult at all from an urges perspective.

However, Boxing Day.........the flight has well and truly landed!!!! Danger!!!! One day at a time though!!

So I did self exclude from the high street yesterday as I mentioned in last nights rather short diary entry.....here's my experience......

1) the English named gent on a small mountain - not pleasant and where I did most of my betting - they know me by name (embarrassingly) and yet they still conducted the paperwork over the counter in full view of the rest of the shop - pretty sympathetic though. Cited that FOBT's are the reason that 99% of customers self exclude.

2) gamble on the shortened name of a bald Englishman - shop very quiet and they don't really know me. Quick, efficient, still did it over the counter but did demonstrate some discretion.

3) the young guy who is totally skint - utterly horrendous experience. 25 minutes for someone to see me, so mooching about in the shop until they could be bothered attending to me. Allowed me to stand from afar and watch a machine player lose around £300 in that time on roulette - quite vindicated knowing tht those things won't take any more of my hard earned money. Shame on you 'leading operator'.

4) the reef growing substance under the sea - total discretion, complete sympathy, real compassion and genuine concern for me as a person and not as a cash cow. A difficult experience made a lot easier - credit to the manager of the shop who was superb.

Not for a heartbeat do I regret the pain I had to go through to place those sanctions on myself and feel the freedom to move around my home area now knowing that the decision to a large extent is out of my hands.

An hour of pain for a year of risk free town going!! Seems a good deal to me.

So onwards to tomorrow and day 17 - feeling sore about sitting here on Xmas Eve and not feeling like I normally do in terms of being excited to see reactions to the presents I have got people. I keep reminding myself that I'll make it up to them next year when I'll be a year free and can afford to bless my family in the way they have me. But it'll be sore not having got the people I love a nice gift......& I know it's not all about the material things.......but I work hard, I earn Ok money and I normally spoil them at Xmas.....it makes me feel good.

I hope you all have a good day tomorrow, remain strong........and give yourself the best gift you possibly can........a strengthened determination to be clean for 14!!! God bless you and your families.

Happy Christmas

Mr Brightside

Hi mr B,

Really appreciate your kind words and support. This recovery is bespoke but we are the ones to make the choice each day.It is indeed selfish addiction, it takes it all..everything, and it can come close to take the last thing we should treasure - soul.

Don't ever let it happen soldier, you are doing great, you have determination and understanding of it all. Very well done and keep it up!!

16 days can easilly turn to 166...1166..and so on...you are in a driving seat my friend, and we are here to support you to stay on the main road to recovery 🙂

Take care

Day at a time

S x

Morning everyone!!

I hope you've all recovered from the excesses of food and drink from the last couple of days but are celebrating being liberated from our affliction......well, ex-affliction.

Dear Diary

18 days of being free from gambling and into Day 19 now. Yesterday was one of the toughest yet - a day about the house and lots of urges, but thankfully the barriers, the desire to stop and the threat of losing those around me were more than enough.

I've studied change management a lot in my job and have undertaken some pretty tough change programmes in my time. Denial, resistance, acceptance and then normality is the typical change curve to go through..........I find myself moving very quickly between the first three.........denial for a long long time, resistance and anger yesterday.......but acceptance has to maintain being the overwhelming point on the journey.........but will we ever reach normality? I hope so!!

So yesterday I found myself "justifying"........what I mean by that is......."it was the FOBTs and the online that caused all my problems........and I'm self excluded from the bookies and online.......so maybe someone could just go into the bookies for me and put on a tenner coupon"..........I guess that's the "keep your guard up" warning that all you seasoned campaigners speak about? It's hard to get the balance between the thing I truly enjoyed about gambling ie watching the scores coming in and ticking off my coupons........and the complete loss of control that I have when it comes to gambling. See, I'm justifying again!!! I know, I know, I know.........I can't do it. It's tough though.......so to my family......I'm going to ask these questions when I already know the answers.....please don't get angry with me!!!

Sandra, Julie, Unaitsert, Dave uk, hardtimes, and many many more - be my conscience.......help me through......you guys are superstars!! Keep it going and let me know how you get through these times!!!

Today I will not gamble.........'cos I am Mr Brightside!!

Hey mr B,

Every day is a huge progress in this recovery and the further you go the more understanding in yourself you get. Of course it is not rosy road, but we are all ready for it.

Keep doing what you doing, because it is working. Put everything down and come back stronger with each passing day.

Take care

Sandra x

P.s. well done for your achievement so far

Evening everyone,

J & S - thanks for your words of encouragement - always appreciated 🙂

So, Day 20 nearly over and looking forward with a bit of nervous excitement to the 3 week milestone tomorrow. Today was a good day......woke up with my 3 year old tiny terrorist kicking me in the haw m**s and spent a wonderful few hours with her. Then took my mum out for some lunch for her birthday......not worrying about where the money was coming from for it......she's the bank manager now, so it was slightly strange asking her for money (my money I hasten to add!!) to take her out!! Was a brilliant few hours though - great to feel good like that and know that she felt good too!! Catching up on diary and things tonight plus managing to get time to post on some of you good peoples pages too!!

So onto Day 21......3 weeks, wow!!! It doesn't seem that long. I'm going to attempt to take a big step tomorrow........

I run the risk of alienating a few people here.......but I'm a Nottingham Forest fan........living in the the central belt of Scotland (don't ask!!!).......and tomorrow I'm making the journey down for the Leeds game. It would ordinarily have been a big gambling day, so a big test of will and determination to make that change to the routine for match day. I've taken my mate into my confidence and told him where I'm at which was a big step itself, so he is my support as we head down and knows that I can't gamble at all.

So the car is full of diesel - the other guys can fill it up for the journey back - no need for money for that. Tickets are sorted - no need for money for that. I'm driving so drink is out of the question - no need for money for that. I reckon I can get by on 3 costa coffees - Southwaite, Knutsford and one on the way back at Southwaite again, plus a MacDonalds at Sandbach on the M6 as we head back up the road - £20 tops required........for a trip that I would normally take about £200-£300........and hit the big red L as soon as I got down a couple of hundred yards from the main stand.

I am going to win tomorrow.........and so are the mighty reds!!! Goals for them......and my goal to be posting on Monday telling you all that I'm on Day 22.

Time for bed now, early rise for me.

Tomorrow is my big test, but I will return home with 3 weeks gamble free tucked under my belt........'cos I'm Mr Brightside

Thanks for posting on my diary. Hope your day goes well and Forest do you proud. When you get home tonight you deserve a beer to celebrate three weeks without a bet!

Have a great day and thanks for all your support! x L

Just a really quick post.......

Firstly, thanks for the posts and words of encouragement from you guys......

Secondly, as I sit on the couch having made a round trip of 700+ miles and reflect on my day, it's been victories and discovery all round........

1) 3 weeks gamble free

2) only spent £14 plus petrol money! Woop woop!

3) Forest won (thanks to Billy D and Matty Derbyshire!)

4) I've not enjoyed a game so much in years......not feeling compelled to check my phone every few minutes to see results and goals from elsewhere really liberated me to get totally absorbed in what was happening at the City Ground!!

It's been a great day today and a brilliant way to celebrate the end of 3 weeks of wins. So onto week 4 and day 22. Still one day at a time.

Thanks again for all the support, really can't express how much I appreciate it!!

I'm feeling good.........and I'm Mr Brightside

Hey everyone

Short one tonight - totally shattered after v little sleep and a v early rise.

Just a quiet day, with not a lot on and not going anywhere. A few urges, but nothing that going and making myself busy for a while or playing a game with the wee one didn't help pass.

Day 22 done........in bed and heading to sleep. Have a nice night everyone and stay strong.

Mr Brightside

Hey mr B,

Well done on day 22, you doing great, keep it up 🙂

Goodnight and hope tomorrow is not as exhausting as today .

S x