It was going so well..

Good Morning Peter and welcome to the forums. You've done the right thing coming here!

You've made a critical first step: admitting that you are a compulsive gambling addict. Like pretty much all of us here.

Our gambling, with exception, always follows the same pattern, as follows:

For any given session, and this may last minutes, hours, days, weeks or longer; we gamble, then:

1. We win

2. We lose.

3. If we win, we keep gambling until we lose more than we win.

In other words, we always lose more than we win. We simply cannot hold into our winnings!

The only way to stop this crazy nonsense - which it is - is to decide, on a daily basis, "not to put a bet on today - whatever the provocation". It's the only way, as you demonstrated with your previous gambling-free run.

You broke that run and now you must come back stronger, in fact at least three times the previous length of time.

To improve your chances, why not ban yourself from the bookies in your area. You'll find information on the forums, or phone Gamcare.

You need to get off this express train to destruction because, sadly, this is where it ends.

But you have got off and ready to try again, teeth gritted with extra determination.

So, forget about what's happened, write off the losses, and think of today and tomorrow. Your happiness, good character, time and reputation is at stake.

And, perhaps most importantly, do it for your loved ones. They don't want to see you slide into the abyss; it makes them unhappy, too.

Let today be a line in the sand for you Peter. Put in the practical steps and get extra support if you need it, like free counselling or GA if you need it.

Today, you're in control and a happier future starts HERE.

All the very best!

Hi Mixer. Firstly, thanks for the words of encouragement. It may be the same words I've told myself countless times, but it seems to sink in that little bit deeper hearing it from someone else. Secondly, every word you've written is a 100% accurate representation of my gambling days haha. I had a one way ticket on the express train of destruction. Let's hope it has been derailed in time.

As far as banning myself from bookies, I'm not sure how effective that would be. The lengths I'd go to, to get a bet on is embarrassing.

I think I've came to terms with my losses, I'm just really annoyed with myself that I thought I could beat the bookies again and tried to win some money. Just to end up in the exact same hole as before.

ill take on your encouraging words and look into seeking professional help. As I don't think I trust myself to go it alone.

17/02/2017: the day I last gambled.

Cheers

Hi Peter, know that feeling all to well...well if of lost £100 anyway, so may as well put it back in. What goes through our heads, eh? But that money is gone now and need to be forgotten about. Ready for you to focus on kicking gambling a*s! New week ahead, keep writing in your diary, if that helps. Sometimes nice to et everything off your chest, without judgement. Hope your week ahead is much better. Take Care. Cx

The first bet is the problem not him much you lose. I have excluded from every website you can imagine. That shows you how many times I have tried too give up. When not gambling for 2 months you think you can control it. We never will we are compulsive gamblers and unless we are winning there is no stopping. You can lose everything and more again by not stopping. There is no place in gambling for a compulsive gambler. We need too wake up every day admit too yourself your a compulsive gambler and if you have any urges read back too where you were cause you will end up back there or worse. I have done it so many times. Stay strong and block the weakness my friend.

I had done quite well since February. 94 days clean without a glimmer of cracking. Then I started watching poker videos online. After a few days on debating with myself. I made a deposit of £50 into a poker site. A few days later I'm up to £170 odds. I withdraw my £50 and carry on with what's left. Up down, up down. GONE!!! Quick deposit of £200, a few spins of the roulette wheel later and Ive got it back. My demons as well as my money. I withdraw my £200 and carry on as if nothing happened. 1 week of good fortune and I'm sitting pretty on £850 profit. "This is easy" I tell myself. 5 minutes later it's all gone. I told myself Id have 1 £10 spin in the wheel, I can't even sit back and let £10 go without chasing it.

I cooled off for a week or so before depositing £1000 into a gaming site. Up down, up down. Up up up. Withdraw."this is easy". I was up £1000 until last night. I reverse withdrew it all, squandered it. Then proceeds to deposit £1500 to chase. GONE in 2 spins. Deposited another £1000, GONE!!! I wasn't even angry, or annoyed at myself. I've been through it many, many times before. Thought I'd go to bed and wake up fresh......

Woke up, grabbed my iPad and deposited my remaining £500, any guesses what happened? Yup, you've guessed. GONE!! Paul Daniels couldn't of made it disappear quicker. I possibly couldn't hate myself any more than I do. Paying off gambling debt is constantly leaving me with thoughts of how to pay it back quicker. And these thought stuff usually revert back to gambling.

I guess it's a good thing the bank refused me another loan or credit card this morning. Suppose I can take joy from that.

Hello Peter.

What got you to 94 days gamble free? What made you relapse i know you mentioned you started watching poker videos online what made you start doing that? The reason I ask these questions is they're things you should be looking to answer if you're going to become gamble free again.

I was obsessed with finding ways to pay off my debt ASAP like you're but it all led back to gambling. After getting help from stepchange they helped me realise I didn't need to pay it back asap I pay back what i can afford it'll take me another 5 years but it's a steady road to getting from my gambling debt.

All the best Peter

Conradnose

www.conradnose.com

Hi Conradnose,

I could of swore I replied yesterday, mustn't of hit the save button.

I'm not entirely sure what got me to 94 days, maybe a mixture of not having money and the bitter taste still in my mouth from a big loss. I guess I felt comfortable and thought I'd be in control if I started gambling again. I've always had an interest in poker and do very well when I play. Over the years I'm probably up thousands on poker alone. It's roulette and sports bets that get me. I guess I can't do one without the other.

How much help did Stepchange give you? As it stands, I'm able to pay off my debts monthly and still save a bit of money. Maybe contacting them would be the kick in the a**e I need. The problem is that it'll take about 3 years to pay off, so everytime I look at my bank, I'm reminded of my gambling debt and that makes me think about gambling again. Can't win either way,

I've read your blog, and it's scary how similair your story sounds to mine, I suppose most addicts will have the same story but it was like I was reading my autobiography lol.

Hello Peter,

I'd probably say you can't be both but that's just my opinion. I love football betting and didn't have a problem with it but there isn't a place where i can go and bet on football and football only. I learned that i wanted my freedom and my relationships back more than i wanted to bet on football.

Stepchange have helped me massively they set in place agreed payments to my lenders and i don't have to deal them directly they do it all for me. Now I have affordable payments in place. Not much you can do about that unfortunately Peter i still see the monthly payments and wonder what i could do with that money if i hadn't gambled it away but it's a small price to pay and it won't be forever.

I agree most of our stories are similar and it's a shame so many of us have these addictions.

Conradnose