DAY 0
Hello everybody my name is John. I am 48 years old, professional with a family. I started gambling about two years ago, an encounter over a day with an FOBT machine got me hooked and then it was on to the Casino and online gambling on slots. The financial ripping apart happened quickly. I always have had a compulsive personality and had spent a lot of money on holidays and other things previously and so the debt increased. Although I am on a high salary my credit rating is completely shot. I did manage to give up for over 100 days and managed this by writing a blog of my recovery. I am not sure I can give the web address here. Everything was good and then I heard that my Mum was in hospital with a broken leg so I went up to see her. My Dad is very selfish (a bit like me) and so he was not coping at all and just wondering who would iron his shirts for golf. During the afternoon I went into several betting shops in the town between hospital visits and did about £500. I was back on the addiction, using it in a weak way to numb some kind of pain, I suppose, but I do not want to let myself off the hook. Since then it has been more of the same, with borrowing now of £1000, payday loans and cheque cashing, which will be a drain on my salary for a couple of months at least.
I liken betting to having an alien in your head that has a need. The only way to make it stop is to starve it of attention, which I have day by day. I seem to be going through a whole bunch of self inflicted issues including alcoholism (have given up for two weeks, going to AA meetings), I have neglected my family, hurt a close friend with my behaviour, have bad consequences through former drinking and can not make decisions. My mind feels wiped. I also have a health problem that I need to do something about. I am seeing a therapist to top it all off.
What worked last time was keeping a blog, so I am going to do that. Also carrying hardly any money with me, so I am doing that as well. I have been negative about group therapy, but AA has opened my eyes to that as well.
I k ow the next few days, and the rest of my life, is going to be hard, but only I can do this. I will write here every day and make sure I can kick this thing out into space. Thanks for reading.
John
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Hi John,
The fact that using a diary has proved successful in the past is positive. I hope that this diary proves even more successful. You sound like you're dealing with a few things all at once, which may feel overwhelming. Use this as incentive: Imagine your life 5 years from now, after being gamble and alcohol free for the duration. Now compare it with a five year stretch where you have continued to gamble. The lives are incomparable. Take it day by day, post here regularly, and I'm sure you will receive a ton of support and advice.
Stay strong.
Day 1 am
Thanks TheMask for your words, it does mean a lot to know we are all in this together. I have been a long term reader of this site and it is only now that I have started to post. In the old days of my addiction I would be thinking about online slots. I cut those out, and originally stopped, because we were going for a remortgage. We got rejected, I assume it was due to my credit rating. So in the reappeared addiction it was FOBT slots and arcades. I know that physically keeping out of bookmakers is the best thing for me, last time it stuck how stupid the whole thing was, eventually. I will keep writing.
No urges yet, but that mind blank and sweaty feeling comes across me sometimes.
John
You should look into self excluding from every bookie within a sensible distance. If you can't access the places, you won't gamble. I put this off for ages, before swallowing my pride and doing just that. it's early days, but it's working. There is no website or bookie within sensible distance that I can use...therefore no gambling. Perhaps something to consider.
I will think about that. So far day 1 has been OK as I have not been within 500 metres of an infernal machine. Put together a budget today to make sure I can survive AS LONG AS I do not gamble. That is the crucial thing. My mood is low so that puts me in a dangerous place, but my resolve is strong.
Went into town to vote and to a meeting, would normally have spent on FOBT but I didn't. So ends day 1 - using the AA moto of just for one day...
DAY 2
Spent a lot of the night up watching the election which stopped me from thinking about gambling. I don't do online anymore, but went out into town for a counselling meetiing. Had a few pangs but managed to get back. The problem is not that gambling opportunties are everywhere, but the problem is in me. As I travel a lot for work, I just need to stay out of every gambling establishment. That is the only way to do it for me.
Still day 2 no gambling. This is all part of a bigger thing about getting my act together. I have got through day 2 and so I am going for 90 days and then I hope I have cracked it. Pragmatic, me.
Hi John
I dont think we can ever crack it, the moment we think that way, we let our guard down. We are wierdly wired people that have a problem dealing with reality, not bad just weird. I am learning to accept me for me and also how to starve that voice, everyday is a battle some harder than others, but I am grateful for everyday I am aware of who I am, keep walking and hope you get to day 7 and beyond.
DAY 3
The longer you go, the easier it becomes, I know that by experience. One day at a time. Putting psychological barriers in place, basically just for one day. Enjoying not spending money. The alien in me knows that if I won a grand it would go in and more.
DAY 3 PM
End of day 3 coming and I have not gambled which is fhe main thing. Two main triggers, I think. One is when things are bad, hardship. I am currently wondering about a friend of mine, if she is alright, what has happened to her. There is a lot of sadness there. Another is lack of money, caused by gambling. Doing therapy for 1 and 2 will get better over time. Another is boredom so stay positive folks, I will start again at the gym tomorrow.
DAY 4
Been to gym, had a flicker of an urge walking past usual haunts and then decided NO. Rather have a coffee and sandwich in the sun. Life can be good away from this addiction.
DAY 4
End of day 4 no gambling. Next week back at work. That can be hard so need to keep resolve.
DAY 5
Went to Gym at 6am. Had a few urges today. The thing that kept me going is the PROMISE of recovery, that if you keep going your situation improves. Psycholgically and financially. Still, early days.
6 days is good. Well done. I look forward to seeing you get to double figures John.
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