Join me on my road to recovery

Im totally gutted and SO disappointed in myself. 41 days GF no urges, life going great then for some ridiculous reason I went and lost £300 online.

It was stupid I have self excluded from all my online accounts and have never been tempted once tto bet since I stoped 41 days ago. Then in bed tonight I was sending an email and I saw an online offer for a new site and I thought I would just look then this is the part I'm so let down about I actually opened the account and did the offer!! Of course then placing a few more bets and before I knew it £300 down. I quickly stoped and self excluded but I can't believe I did it. I seriously haven't even considered gambling since I started my recovery diary. Now back to square one and I feel so down & P***ed off with myself.

I guess I will have to start over again as I know I have the will power but still shocked I gambled after so long & it felt so c**P and I feel the last 6 weeks have been ruined.

Paul

Morning after my stupid relapse and still can't believe I gambled after so long of being GF. Anyway I can keep beating myself up over it or start day 1 again and do what I've been doing before that ridiculous mistake lastnight. If anything this is the wake up call I needed as the previous weeks of being GF I found reall easy so I'm more determined than ever now.

Paul

After having to go back to day 1 (please check last 2 posts they explain all) I have had a good day completely GF & determined as ever to stay that way.

Paul

Hi Paul can I suggest you change your email address. That would stop you getting unwanted bonus offers. Don't look at the six weeks as failure look at them as what life could be like if you chose recovery over addiction.

Relapses are the pits but a valuable lesson comes at a price learn from it and continue the journey where you left off

Deano

Thanks for the kind words Deano! Your 100% right regarding the email. That was an oversight by myself but have got rid of my old email connected with any form of gambling now. As you say I fully now intend to continue where I left off.

Paul

Hi Paul,

Just wanted to nip in and say hello. Look, this has happened to most of us. Gambling is rife this week, for the week that is in it. All you can do, is get the chalk, and chalk up day 1 tomorrow, and move. I firmly believe you will do it. Don't be too hard on yourself Paul, it doesn't help, lift yourself up, and if you cannot do that alone, harness yourself to some of us here, and we will lift you up.

Thinking of you.

Julie x

Hi Julie,

As always your comments always make me feel more positive. As you say I think this week with all the coverage of gambling etc it got to me! No excuses after going 6 weeks GF I have to now just put it behind me and start again. I will pop into chat hopefully tomorrow.

Thanks again

Paul

Well had a great day today and it was completely GF!! Would be approaching 50 days GF if it wasn't for that stupid slip up a few days ago but it's pointless dwelling on 1 mistake & I have to take all the positives that I've made in the last 6/7 weeks. I've only had that blip & I really do think that was down to the all the Cheltenham coverage & promotions etc and got caught up in it. As I said I've dusted myself off and that was the end of day 2 GF & feeling good.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Paul

Been 4 days since my minor relapse and completely GF. I like to think of it it as only one silly mistake in the last 50 days which isn't bad I don't think!

I do think the intense Cheltenham coverage & offers were the catalyst lastweek of my relapse as had no urges at all in the previous 7 weeks but even so I have to learn to deal with things better when the temptation ever comes back in the future.

On a positive note though no urges to gamble since and enjoying my day to day life again. Having a 1-1 counciling session on Wednesday from Gamcare which will be good to maybe talk about the stupid relapse I had during Cheltenham & maybe talk strategies to help cope if that situation arises again.

Hope everyone else's weekend has gone well & you start the week in a positive GF mood.

Takecare Paul

Good luck with your 1:1 on Wednesday, mine is Tuesday, we are in 'therapy together' and on this journey together...Your doing so well, keep moving forward.

Julie x

Thanks Julie! Hope your session goes well on Tuesday! I'm sure it will as everyone speaks highly of the 1-1 sessions saying you get a lot out of them. We will move forward together 🙂

Takecare Paul

End of another GF day!! Everything is just so much better without gambling. Hope everyone else is doing well.

Paul

Sorry I haven't done my daily update in a few days but regretfully had a setback. When I started my recovery diary around 55 days ago I was so determined and it was going so well 42 days GF no problem and then Cheltenham week came with all the ads, media coverage etc. I thought this is fine I can handle it but of course had a minor relapse last week.

I was hugely disappointed in myself but told myself and others told me I've done so well it was a blip don't worry just get back doing what you did in the previous 6 weeks. All going well again then for no reason at all I was online and again I had an urge to gamble. I never gamble in betting shops etc only online casino/slots is my problem. I have self excluded from all my accounts but I saw an ad for a new one and I convinced myself that because I lost lastweek I would win this week if I just had a little bet (chasing my losses from lastweek), of course I lost!! The one positive i suppose if there is one is that I stopped after losing £50 (before I would just keep gambling to I spent hundreds & hundreds) so I at least have improved a bit on that front. I self excluded and I've now took the step of installing blocking software so this really can't happen again.

I know £50 is a relatavly small amount but it's not the money lost that's hurt me it's the fact I allow the urge to get the better of my common sense and progress I've made and feel the previous 2 months hard work count for nothing. But hopefully this won't happen again and I'm sure we all have blips, it's how you recover and move on from them.

Thanks for reading as I know I've gone on a bit in this post but i feel determined as always to battle everyday to get on top of this horrible addiction.

Paul

Hi Paul

Those blocks need to be tighter and using blocking software is a good call . That said if it's only blocks stopping you from gambling then unfortunately relapses are going to be common you need to address the why you need to gamble. What drives you to gamble? Replace the desire to gamble with something else . Take back control and say no more , you can't say 50 pound is only small you have to think 50 pounds is to much .

Get on it Paul and don't let it beat ya

Deano

Hi Deano,

I agree the blocking software only deals with part of it. But I'm doing 1-1 counciling to help hopefully with the reasons why I gamble etc. Regarding the "only 50 pound" comment, I meant it was a small amount in comparison to what I would normally gamble!! Obviously I don't want to ever be spending another penny on this stupid habit.

Thanks for the support I really do appreciate it. I will never let it beat me.

Paul