Killing the Zombie

and so my journey into identifying what is wrong with me continues. This time I think I have it.

Social anxiety

It began with thinking I had issues with esteem, validation and fear of rejection. After a weekend with my GF's parents where I was able to consider these factors in a more objective way, it became clear that excessive, at times painful, self-consciousness was a big problem. Further research led me to identify social anxiety and to buying a seemingly incredible book on overcoming this problem.

The book basically uses CBT, a therapy completely new to me. Social anxiety takes many different forms of behaviour and thoughts, many of which I don't have. However, there is a direct hit on a number of apects which come into play in 'socially threatening situations': excessive self consciousness (over thinking what I am going to say to make sure it's 'correct'), preparing what I am going to say, conducting (fairly brutal) 'post mortems' in relation to interactions, taking things too personally.

It's strange that identifying with essentially a mental health problem should be a relief, but it is. It means that I can isolate the issue rather than feel like my core personality is at fault. I'm not a bad person, I have good relationships, I can perfectly be myself, so long as I am not being socially anxious. Furthermore, this book is all about tackling this through changing your thought processes and behaviours. It's clearly a challenge and requires effort - I have to write stuff down and update charts. I can't get away with just 'reading'. This is important as by writing stuff down we crystallise things. However, the fact that it requires effort reassures me - it makes me more confident that the writer of this book, and CBT itself, is not just waffle.

Social anxiety might be a relatively minor mental health issue. However, it's effects can be debilitating and have serious consequences on relationships and general well-being. Perhaps the saddest aspect is how it affects (my perception of my) relationship with my own family. They are incredilby loving, great in many ways people. I live quite a long way away from them and so meet up periodically. I don't have anxiety when I'm just with parents but when mixed with other FMs, old friends and 'new people' (as usually is the case when I go back) I invariably become anxious. My perception that I've 'performed bad', erodes my confidence as I don't know why I am like this, I start dreading going to visit - there's a terrible cycle.

I have a family holiday in August. I haven't actually had such a thing for a very long time - it should be a lovely ocassion and my aim is to be in a position to enjoy it for what it is.

Is this the cause of my gambling? Well I might never be able to answer that. However, what I can say is that stopping gambling has enabled me to identify what my problem is. Before I stopped, in Feb 2013, and with the benefit of hindsight, I was clearly socially anxious. However, when you're also a gambling addict its too easy to bury your head, or in more lucid moments to just blame gambling as the problem in and of itself.

It's so true that the extra money is just one aspect of the rewards to be had. To be rid of the feeling that I might live my whole life feeling held back. That is priceless.

Still working through my book to tackle my social anxiety. I'm getting a lot out of it.

It's generally been, simply, a great experience so far. On Tuesday I looked into a section on beliefs - an attempt to look into the past to consider what core, negative belief it is behind my social anxiety. I thought I might find this difficult as from what I thought I had no obvious issues. However, by using a technique I was able to identify strongly with a core belief, which I think has affected my general thoughts and behaviour: 'people don't like who I am'.

It was really strange but as soon as I identified that I was suddenly hit by this powerful sense of sadness - sadness for myself. I'm not sure I have ever had such a feeling, of sadness directed not to anyone else but myself. It actually affected the rest of the next two days. I had read that the more upset you are then the more likely you have correctly identified the belief. So there we are, it must be right.

I think I can trace it back to a couple of factors which maybe combined, 1) going to secondary school which I remember finding a huge shock, it was a qutie a violent school where suddenly the only things that mattered were being 'hard' and confident with girls. I wasn't ready for it and my only way of coping was defence mode. The other thing might have been playing second fiddle to my (at that time) incredibly gregarious older sister, whilst I was a typical moody, sullen teenager - I remember thinking how I could never make my parents' faces beam with smiles like she could.

Today I focussed on 'changing behaviours' and I do find this bit fun. Basically it involves confronting your fears. Some of it is little stuff, particularly in these early days, like avoiding areas of work where you might bump into someone and have to make (akwkard) convo, avoiding eye contact, avoiding speaking on the phone when in another's company, etc etc. So today I just did some small things at work, like greeting people properly, talking to shop assistants making sure that I go wherever I want to and resisting any urge to 'hide'. I also tried to express how I was feeling about stuff.

Even in the short time I've been doing this I've had a very positive reaction. I'm sure it might be like the honeymoon equivalent to stopping gambling - but that's fine. I'm loving the challenge, I'm so relieved that, at the age of 37, there seems a real chance of change and saying goodbye to these kind of subconscious fears which have held me back (and caused me to escape to gambling, or to question other aspects of my personality which are actually fine).

I've obviously still got a long way to go - I basically need to reprogramme myself and get rid of beliefs that have been embedded in me for a long time. I'm sure it can be done though. As when I stopped gambling, I have that feeling of 'why didn't I do this 15 years ago!

Cardhue

Finding a healthier sense of self is a cornerstone of recovery. Once we learn to talk to ourselves with kindness, addiction no longer holds the same power. As you say changing our core beliefs about ourselves is empowering. Once we feel safe & content within, we no longer feel anxious amongst others. We can greet people with a smile on our face without the terror of feeling they may judge or dislike us.

Dan

Talked more to GF about what I'm doing in terms of combatting social anxiety. I'd sensed she was kind of uneasy about what I was doing but I didn't know why. Surely, I thought, this is a good thing?

Originally she was saying I don't have a problem. But when I pushed her more, it seems that her concerns are this - 'what if it doesn't work'? I've now made it common knowledge between us that I have social anxiety in situations including, meeting her parents. If I don't change then all that's left is this mutual knowledge of my akwardness.

Sheesh. That's a bit negative. To be fair, her point underlying point is 'things are fine as they are - people have ups and downs'. ...the problem with social anxiety (as with gambling) is that we become masters of deception.

.Anyway, I have faith in myself.

Cardhue

Fella as I wrote previously upon your thread, it's inspiring to seek active change that will have a profoundly positive effect upon your life.

Recovery from gambling addiction is not a punishment, it brings opportunity.

Great to see you taking it.

From acorns grow mighty oaks.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Another poster posted a link to 'hardwiring hapiness' https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpuDyGgIeh0

I ended up getting a free audio book taking advantage of Amazon free trial for audio books. Interesting as the guy who writes it is a neuroscientist/psychologist. He has specific techniques of basically submerging in positive experiences and linking them to issues you have. Sounds worryingly similar to 'positive thinking' (which I presume to be a bit naff and shallow) although he seems to draw a lot on meditation/mindfulness but with a pretty solid neuro-science behind it.

I've been feeling really quite good recently. It might be this 'hardwiring' or my more traditional CBT approach to social anxiety. I've been on study leave so had time to myself rather than actually be in 'threatening' situations, but so far so positive

I've been a long time admirer of the poster now known as GT, formerly known as NT (and I think maybe known before that as GT?). This got me thinking of whether at some point he will change his name to just 'T', as in 'There' (as in when he makes it to 'there').

In terms of the financial aspects/the day counting, a CG can never say they have 'made it', as he/she is only one slip away from being an addicted gambler again. But leaving that aside, even in the wider sense of recovery, I don't think we can ever really 'make it'. Myself, I haven't gambled for nearly 2.5 years. However, it is only in last 2 months or so that I've taken recovery to a new level by going to the root cause of why I gamble, rather than just cutting out gambling.

So for around 2 years my self-awareness, in respect of gambling, was limited to an awareness that gambling was linked to escapism. I then identified I have a degree of social anxiety and in particular can be very self-conscious in certain situations. This in turn led to me identifying issues of rejection and acceptance - and that I held core negative beliefs which related to childhood. Now I am using CBT techniques to address these and to change.

I am finding this capacity to change incredibly uplifting and it is almost like reigniting the feel-good factor of when I stopped gambling - but this time on a more sustainable level. I feel like by addressing my issues I'm freeing myself from the self-limiting burdens I placed on myself. Furthermore, I am picking up very positive things which are more removed from my obvious gambling issues, for example by looking into my things such as relaxation, love, living in the moment and contentment.

So back on point, it seems like recovery is endless and now I can say with some sincerity, that my addiction was a good thing - at least if the alternative was simply my previous existence minus the gambling element. Without the gambling, and the recovery, I think I would have gone on struggling against myself for god knows how long.

Great post cardhue. I identify with it all, i too am so grateful to my gambling addiction as it took me to a place where the only option was change.

Difficult day today and in fact difficult few days.
Felt like I'd been making huge strides re social anxiety, albeit in not overly testing circs.

This weekend had a wedding-a 12 hour do, something that posed an obvious test. Had some struggles but not too bad but the booze is flowing so not a true test.

Woke up feeling anxious but was able to turn negative thoughts on head. However there were vague plans to meet bride and groom next morning but I said couldn't be arsed. Gf bit surprised but accepting

This depressed me a bit as it showed difference between me and gf. I felt i'd 'done my bit' whereas she genuinely wanted to see them. It's that difference between her getting energy through being more outgoing, amd me treating with fear.

However thing is I'm at start so can't expect miracles, however much I want it. It's a classic trap to fall into -the negativity bias, not crediting yourself with progress but dwelling on negatives. Well at least I caught myself before falling further!

I was reading today about introversion vs extroversion. That led to think am I just 'shy'. This seemed like the worse thing to be as at least introversion implied some kind of geeky cool-maybe like David whatsit off peep show. Shyness just seems like wanting to be extrovert but being too worried to be that person. Maybe that is me. Thing us though if I am shy I'm only so in certain situs and otherwise score quite high in confidence and assertiveness.

I'm im danger of drowning in a sea of self analysis and self help.

I need to get back to core values of confidence building through extending my comfort zone and challenging negative thoughts-cbt style.

And live by the mantra of seeing myself through my own eyes, not someone else's!

That feels better. Must post more often when I'm having difficulties

Back from a wonderful holiday and most definitely not gambling.

Family holiday went really well. I've been getting into ACT for the last few months. I thought I wouldn't big it up until I'd given it a proper shot. It's great. I imagine it would be incredibly useful for combatting gambling, as well as addressing more deep seated issues - in my case social anxiety.

Unlike CBT where you kind of pretend things are good when they're not, ACT seems a lot more natural. This is the book to get in case of interest.

http://www.thehappinesstrap.com/

903 days GF

Hi Card,
Dont know too much about ACT is it a bit like mindfullness?
Anythings got to be better than the thin positive polish that CBT offers. Its always been of great concern to me that CBT is offered to almost everyone on here from gamcare. It doesnt work for addiction long term because as you say its about pretending. It doesnt even attempt to get to real emotional issues. So why is it pushed on addicts?
1. Because the government have helped fund
2. Most importantly, its the cheapest type of therapy out there.

Have you considered a therapist qualified in psychodynamics?

Dan

This weekend feels like the end of the summer period. A period marked by high sociability and a time when I have repeatedly been taken me out of my comfort zone. This weekend is the first weekend I've had to myself in 2 months. The first time I have not been with family or friends.

I continue to practice ACT which is making a real difference to my life. I recently spent a weekend with my gf's extended family. This would traditionally be something which I would dread. I would have the feeling of dread for a number of weeks before and often try to block out my feelings and thoughts of dread. However, by struggling with my emotions like this I was multiplying my problems - I would get anxious about my social anxiety. I would get depressed about my anxiety. All this was mentally so tiring. The thing is, it isn't possible to block out an emotion ( and that is a limitation of the CBT approach ). Another avoidance method would be to lie to myself and tell myself I was great with families, highly sociable and that there would be no problem. I could buy into this to an extent but a) I could never really buy into it with any degree of honesty, and b) when the reality turned out to be very different to my 'positive attitude' I would become depressed. Depressed about how I was getting older yet I was still having the same problems with social anxiety.

This time I didn't have any anxiety until I was on the train and about an hour from arrival. I was stil a bit shy in the company of the extended family. But unlike previous times, when I would beating myself up about my 'performance', I accepted things the way they are. OK, it would nice to feel less inhibited and to express myself more openly. This is something I continue to work on. But at least now I see real progress and the whole weekend was most importantly, a fundamentally more enjoyable experience. This time I was much more engaged as I was actually able to give people my full attention. It's amazing how when the social anxiety struggle kicks in, how I will get so preoccupied with my internal thoughts (such as - will they like what I am going to say/ I've just thought of something 'clever' or funny I must get remember to say it/ I'm being quiet they must think I'm weird etc etc) that I'm not actually listening properly to what's going on and I'm disconnected from my environment.

Developing loving relationships is a core value of mine, paricularly in relation to my family (and I include my GF's family as 'family'). So this summer has been great for that. It's been a great summer for connecting with my negative emotions. And finding that, hey, guess what, it turns out most of the scary feelings and thoughts I was hiding from turned out to be paper tigers.

Interesting link shared by Freda

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PY9DcIMGxMs

It's only 15 mins long and worth a look. Premise is that addiction is less to do with the inherent addictiveness of a particular substance or activity (such as drugs, gambling), but about a lack of connection with others/life. This causes us to 'bond' with something that gives us some (temporary) relief.

I believe that gambling is always about escapism - but that's really a different side of the same coin. Whether it's escapsim or 'bonding' with a temporary relief, in either case this is a reaction to something in our selves we are deeply unhappy with.

During my gambling years, I barely admitted to myself I was an addict. But even when I did, and for quite a while after I gave up, I never really addressed why I was gambling. I would get as far as concluding I have an 'addictive personality' and leave it there. This explained the gambling, the smoking etc. Well that's true, but I needed to go further, which I finally did. I now know that I have major issues to do with rejection, which manifests itself in a quite intense fear of being judged by others. I don't seem to read many other people posts from people laying it out like that.

I'm pretty sure the psych evidence would strongly support the idea that addiction is always directly related to major personality issues. Yet this seems not to be a recognised issue on the message board? This specific cause/effect doesn't seem to be made explicit and people don't really talk about there issues in that kind of way - whether that's becuase they've not been identified or folk don't seem comfortable, I don't know.

I think it would've helped me to be thinking in those clearer terms earlier on. Maybe that's the way I think - always trying to find an 'answer'. When I was living in Australia I was spending loads on the 'pokies' and in despair phoned up the Gamcare equivalent. I wanted to be able to talk about what was wrong with me - but all I was told was to not take my debit card out. Although now I see this as 'time money location' advice, at the time I just thought this was beyond superficial and in fact turned me off seeking help for a further 8 years!

Gamblers Anonymous has been telling people for 51 years it aint never about the money! Pity more cant face their truth. But much easier to believe its financial than emotional isnt it? I enjoy Hari`s talk it is i believe pretty much spot on. What he is saying is pretty much a re-hash of what people like Gabor Mate have been saying for decades. Good to see you getting to know yourself Cardhue, all the answers can be found when we ask ourselves the right questions.

Dan

New steps taken.

Previously the only 'real' person I'd told about my gambling addiction was my partner. I hadn't been felt comfortable telling others as I thought they would judge me negatively. Unfortunately this fed my deep seated fear I have of being judged by others, a fear which I believe led me to seek escapism through gambling.

One of the core values I now hold, however, is to 'let my true self out'. This includes being more honest and open. This led me to think I shouldn't hide my past. So last Friday I told one of my partner's friends. I said it in the context of therapy talk so it wasn't a big deal.

The following day I went to one of my best friend's party. After admittedly a few drinks, but still feeling perfectly lucid, I separately told two of my best friends about my addiction as well as the ACT I've been doing. Both were not only nice about it, but the first friend I told started talking about an addiction he had, whilst my other friend I reveled to told me he thinks he's ***!

Strange how often we're scared to reveal a vulnerability or weakness, yet when we do people are often grateful as it's a green light for them to open up too. By doing so we can strip away some more layers of b*llshit between us and get more connected with each other.