Killing the Zombie

Spot on Louis( glad to see you revealing your name).

When we lose the fear that what we give will be rejected, life becomes so much more than we could have ever imagined

Dan

Thanks Dan. Yeah about time I revealed my name. I mean who's gona find out? At most another person who knows me, who's also a secret gambling addict.

On subject of names - few people here referred to me as Hue, perhaps thinking me as a guy called Hue who liked to 'play cards' (hence Cardhue). Actually the reason for my online name was that I was starring at a bottle of Deuchars when trying to decide - so just mixed up the letters. Unfortunate.

Anyway, as I can't afford private counselling in ACT (and the only NHS offer seems to be CBT, which I don't want), I've been trying my best to do self-therapy. There's quite a good exercise in the book I'm working through called the 'Tin can monster'. So you have to start by identifying what your core issue is - I appreciate this could be a stumbling block for some. I've done quite a lot of work on identifying my issues so know my core fears relate to a fear of judgement by others/fear of rejection.

Bring whatever your issue is to mind - get immersed in it. Then basically go through your memories from the present back in time. Go through the memories like you're flicking your way through a series of index cards. If any memory causes a particular reaction then stop. Expand on that memory. See if you can let go of any struggle associated with the memory, perhaps pain. Allow yourself to be willing to experience any emotion associated with the memory - doesn't mean you have to enjoy it but be willing to have it. Make space for it. Stop struggling against it. Then, let go of the memory and carry on flicking through those memory cards.

I found this a fascinating experiment. I massively connected with one particular thing in my past - splitting up my first serious, long term GF. I clearly had massively unresolved issues as I found it quite overwhelming. The emotions caused strong physical sensations in my body, particularly around my face. I had assumed that doing this exercise would bring up major issues to do with my childhood - in particular early secondary school. But no, it was much more my early adulthood up to late twenties which did. The exercise really helps with trying to deal with repressed feelings - something I'm increasingly seeing as a root cause. Repressed feelings = disconnection with life = escapism by fusing with unhealthy habits as a source of pleasure = addiction

It brought up such strong feelings that I felt compelled to email my ex-girlfriend, some 14 years after we broke up, to admit I was a gambling addict and to hope to offer an explanation of why I was so disconnected in our relationship. It felt like the right thing to do as it is line with my core value of letting my true self out. Some time afterwards I had thoughts that I had embarrassed myself by doing this. I wasn't buying into those thoughts though - something else I've been working which is not fusing with all thoughts as 'real'.

Maybe not for everyone but I'm grateful for discovering it.

Hi Louis , Thanks for your comment , I def think self exploration is the way forward , the more I learn about myself , the more I understand why I had gambled the way I did . Well done Buddy on some seriously high numbers ! . youre an inspiration !! . All the best for now Alan .

Considering going to GA. I have some reservations....

I haven't gambled for 2.5 years and TBH have no inclination to do so whatsover. In fact, the moment I stopped I had a severe lightbulb moment and so have barely had any urges.

So, as I bang on about a lot (!), my mission at the moment is self-exploration. Addressing my fears - the fears that led me to gamble. So, very related to gambling but I don't feel the need to cement my commitment to not-gambling.

So I have a bit of a fear that I might be out of place. Ive always been a bit reluctant to give advice on here as my stopping-gambling seems different from others. I really have no urges - I didn't go with the 'triangle' as it wasn't necessary. I think that I might P**s of others by being more sorted than others (in a gamble free sense). But then again, am I just creating excuses by 'rationalising', when in fact I'm just apprehensive like everyone is before attending.

I want to go because I want to explore my fears - with others. GA seems similar to the therapy I'm doing through books I speak to my GF but it can seem a bit like naval gazing as she's pretty sorted and I guess it could get a bit boring.

Welcome any views

Louis

Hi Louis , Fair play to you for wanting to explore what makes you tick , so to speak ! You have to go along with what you feel is right and if after two and a half years thats attending GA , then good for you . Your now the master of your own destiny , so search untill you find the answers to the questions that you have !. I can fully understand when you say that you feel different in some way from others on the site . I too dont have any real urges to gamble anymore , I still have the opportunity , as do we all but I made a promise to myself a month ago that I would change my life for good and no longer gamble , not just cut down but never gamble again . As far as I',m concerned this is set in stone , I've got my mentallity right and It's not going to happen anymore. I don't want to sound complaicent nor flippant but I've done a lot of soul searching and analyzed myself quite deeply over the last 4 weeks . I've got to a place where I'm happy with who I am , and I think I've got to the root of my gambling problem . People might say it's to early in recovery for me to be talking this way ,they may be right? but again at the risk of upsetting others , everyones different!! and everyones entitled to their opinions . Some may relapse and return time and time again to the site and for others , well ! they never return to their old gambling ways !! It's whatever works , whatever you need , and as long as you get the end result of not gambling again , thats all that matters my friend . Good luck on your journey of self discovery Louis , I hope you find what you seek !!!! Alan

It's now been 1000 days since I stopped gambling.

I no longer have urges to gamble and gambling is only part of my life now, because I remain keenly interested in exploring the nature of my addiction - finding out 'what the hell happened?!'. In doing so I have learnt a lot about myself and my insecurities. I don't think I would ever have gone on such a journey if I hadn't had this gambling addiction. My journey has involved identifying my fears, sitting with my fears, doing things differently and living according to my values. This has had a profoundly positive effect on my life.

So I can honeslty say that some good has come from my addiction - as without this painful symptom I might not have felt compelled to go on my journey (other smokings such as smoking/drinking excessively or constant internet use might have been too socially acceptable).

The past half year has been particularly good as I have embraced self change guided by Acceptance and Committment Therapy. (ACT) I intentionally do not bang on about ACT as I don't want to preach - but seeing as it's my 'birthday' I will go on about it, this once. ACT has a range of techniques for handling emotions and thoughts - a key to which is learning to accept difficult emotions. This is particularly useful for addicts as addiction is directly linked to an inability to deal with emotions. When we struggle with emotions we create secondary problems - for example, I felt I needed to avoid feeling 'social anxiety' at all costs. I now realise that this led me to 'escape' through gambling. This gambling created chemicals which would offer me some salvation from my fears. I became dependent on the chemical release and, unfortunately, the side effects of this addiction were terrible - depression/anxiety at losing money, loss of self-esteem at becoming an addict/liar, lonely/disconnected as I spent my time gambling at the expense of being sociable/doing things I like, embarrassed etc. Of course meanwhile, the original issue of social anxiety got worse - as by constantly hiding away, my fears got bigger. Thus there was a real lose - lose scenario going on.

So a key technique of ACT is learning to sit with my emotions (and when I can do this - I realise my fear are 'paper tigers' ). Another technique is to learn to distance oneself from negative thoughts or judgements about oneself. However, these techniques are not a means unto themselves, but a way of enabling yourelf to lead a life guided by values (values dear to me - not values I 'should' hold dear).

I would strongly recommend 'Get Out Of Your Mind and Into Your Life' or 'The Happiness Trap' as seminal self-help books on ACT - they require significant commitment as does anything which will profoundly change your life.

Preach over.

In the past few months I have told quite a lot of people about my addiction - for 16 years I had told no one. In a sense, by telling people I am now labelling myself as a (former) gambler . Yet by opening up, my personal sense of distance from my gambling life seems further than ever. As a side issue - it never ceases to amaze me how receptive others are when I open up to my vulnerabilities. Often, I have barely finished my disclosure before the other person sees a 'green light' to talk about their own issues. One of my 'values' is connecting with others - so this is a win-win situation.

It really is possible to create a new life but you have to change. Will power and blocks are good for geting immediate distance, but you need to tackle the root causes. Changing your ways can seem scary but if you embrace it, the fears fall away.

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Hi Cardhue, just wanted to say a huge congratulations on your 1000 days gamble free . !!

You must be so happy to have turned your life around , and in such dramatic fashion !

Well done on getting your life back !!

Best wishes Alan !

Thanks both - appreciate the support

Great stuff Louis. I'm not sure it warranted someone very much wanting s*x but each to their own! ACT seems very akin to 12 step, as are pretty much any successful recovery modules. Acceptance, surrender, perspective, value based choice's rather addiction and fear based ones. Well done on your continued motivation for change. It's an exciting discovery is it not? Dan

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Hey Louis. You can't hear or see me clapping but, I'm clapping!! Hooray!! And, great post by the way. Tons of helpful information. -joan

Great to see you at 1,000 days!

Congrats, you have done so well.

Suzy

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Cardhue.

Fella what a fantastic post to read because for me it further concretes the fact in my mind that recovery offers an amazing opportunity to bring change to life, the profound effect that taking all from that opportunity is plain to see.

I hope your journey continues as you peel back the layers and you feel ever more at home in your own skin.

1000 days of the joys of accepting and embracing recovery is indeed something to behold.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Louis,

1000 days, inspirational, lovely post to read.

Well done you

Suzanne xx

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