Killing the Zombie

Hi Louis,

I've had a similar conversation with my counsellor. In an early session I told him that all I watched on tv was sports and I was sports mad. A lot of it I had bets on but even when I didn't I just watched would I could....was still a distraction as you say.

Since I've stopped gambling and started dealing with my problems I have found I watch a lot less sport and a lot less tv as a whole.

Still love to follow the teams I support but I used to watch anything and everything that was on. Most of it bores me now.

Damo

Hi U.O and Damo

UO -You say that CG is a substitute for emotions that don't happen in every day life. I totally agree - the next logical step is that CGs are repressing their emotions in real life. This is the key driver behind addiction - an inability to express emotions in every day life. I suppose in football you get highs and lows but ultimately it doesn't really matter, no matter how much you are into it - so in that sense there's little real risk.

Of course a degree of zoning out is fine - but CGs tend to take this bit too far. I agree that it's the lack of investment that is the problem. Getting have an interest in something which requires active participation/is social/creative/helps others or is good for your well being - this is good. Of course, the football obsession thing has parrallels in stuff like computer gaming - but if you are spending half of your life doing this, it's not really socially normal. You're a geek or saddo. If you were to watch Eastenders for 30 hours a week you would be a total bore. Yet, because sport, football in particular, is a more macho thing to do, it's fine. Your girlfriend might think you're boring - but she's a bird, what does she know.

UO - the 100 day challenge to get outside of your comfort zone sounds like a brilliant idea. I've been trying to step outside my comfort zone for that the last year do that and have found it rewarding. Yes, it's hard work at times but the benefits are great and in not much time you simply have a wider zone of what you're interested in. Stuff which was a challenge becomes normal. I think that's really important in recovery but maybe not discussed enough on this board.

Damo - Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think it's got to be healthy that you're getting persepctive on the sport thing and realising the distrction of it.

Louis

Hi Louis

The open mic sessions have been going great. I think at this stage I just worry about getting up there and performing and don't stress or worry too much of how good I am. That's not to say I don't want to perform well I think at this stage is just building the confidence and pushing through that fear of getting up and potentially have everything go wrong, but do it anyway.

I feel the performance are getting better. I think my song selections have helped, not too obvious but not too hard. So I have been doing things like Tighten up - Black Keys, Someday - The Strokes, Crazy - Gnarls Barkley (always goes down well). Last one on Wednesday by friend commented I am starting to get a swagger so I will take that! There are a couple of songs I am working on that are a bit different, one which is a heavy metal song. I have decided not to tone it down or quieten it so its gonna be a challenge doing some of the growls and screams!

Its fantastic that you are finding a creative outlet and I have a lot of respect for anyone who does there own material on an open mic. Its pretty amazing where you are now from a year ago, you should be proud of yourself. I know I have taken alot from your posts over the last year and continue too.

For me football betting evokes happy memories of being a kid playing the pool's with my dad. And sitting watching the cfax results. Spot the ball was neon impossible. Also my next door neighbours actually won the pool's and my old man went on to win the lottery. Something that probably kept me in the belief that one day I to could beat the system. All though this past year I've realised there's no amount that would douse the fire inside. It would just make it burn brighter.
Might of gone of track a bit there
Great thought invoking post Louis
I hope you and the new family are doing well
All the best bud

Not updated for ages. Not too sure why - I normally post when something's on my mind which I need to get down whereas things have been ticking along quite nicely of late.

Little bababoo's now 19 weeks old and doing very well. Me and my GF have been doing a good double act for quite a while now - me going off to work during the week, coming back and having a somewhat token gesture at helping out in the evening. But then weekends come and I spring into full time dad mode. This means that weekends are weirdly more tiring than weeks. It's very very tiring looking after a baby all day. But, thank f**k he's got the most incredible cheeky smile which he's very generous with and it's imprinted in my thoughts now as I close my eyes.

I went through quite an insecure phase for a bit a while ago. I'd get this massive rush of connection and bonding at the weekend as I played full time dad, and then as I went back into part-time mode, and as the week dragged on I'd feel increasingly distant. Felt quite upset when, by Thursday evening, he wouldn't look at me. Rationally I knew it was stupid to be affected but it I felt how I felt, and that feeling was sadness. I mean - getting upset because my own baby wasn't giving me enough attention. Tried talking this through with some people without too much sympathy. It was a bit of confusing one - as I'm all against supressing emotions, as that what I used gambling for, and I'm convinced that leads to anxiety. So I really didn't want to pretend it was nothing and soldier on.

But glad I talked it through with my GF. She said maybe I was trying to force things too much when I was coming back to the withching hour and he's basically very tired. So talking stuff through led to subtle changes in how we do things, well mostly how I do things in practice, and it's had really positive results. So it's good not just to talk, but to then see how things can be done differently.

My gambling past is still a major reference point for me. I don't have any urges whatsover, but the reference point is still an incentive to self-develop. I know that some people figure they've got the addiction sorted and then want to totally move on and remove any further reference from their lives, including this place. That's fair enough - no idea if such an approach works as it's not the way I've gone but I can see a certain attractiveness to reinvention, on paper. But then I can also see a lot of attractiveness with acceptance of I am. I see the attractiveness in noticing I'm no better than anyone else. For someone who lived a life of comparisons and being desperate to convince myself I was better than others and special - it's really very attractive to be flawed and paradoxically it feels much more secure giving up the struggle to be better.

Need to remember that. One of the big thing about ACT is defining and then living by your values. I read some old notes and saw I'd written for a value 'remember I'm small'. Chuckled reading that as it looked silly. But the sentiment's right. The more I stop thinking I'm the centre of everything, that every action I take has a reaction from another, the more I can just be, and do what's important to me, live by my values. I guess psych's might call this ego. I dunno, I've heard ego's bad and if this is what is meant by ego, then I definitely am with it. I don't agree, I feel.

Great post cardhue - I know EXACTLY what you mean about being part-time during the week and full-time on the weekend. I'm my most tired on Monday morning...

Two random thoughts.

If you ventilate something it stops it smelling of poo. Same applies for addiction and secrecy.

The other thing was...I've stopped smoking for over 2 years now. I remember when I used to smoke, thinking that I would never really be comfortable, never really be relaxed, never really be happy - if I no longer smoked. Before I stopped gambling I wondered if the same was true. Would there always be an itch.

Haven't gambled now for over 3 years, I can now categorically say that any fears I had about stopping either vice have been unfounded. Zero urges, zero sense of loss, no missing link. Surprise surprise, my previous fears were addiction talking. Obvious point maybe. But worth making. It's not totally linear and we all work at different rates - but more days abstention directly = reduced addiction. This is surely a universal truth. Trust in this truth and know it will get easier.

Louis

Deeply depressing news to wake up to.

An anti - establishment president.....who's a billionaire. A man who consistently tells obvious lies.

Yet he's loved - at least by half. He'll no doubt rein by fear, by blaming vulnerable groups like immigrants.

What's most scary? That his finger's on the nuke button? That he wants to befriend Putin, or I think worst of all, he's a climate change denier -what chance of limiting the damage to our planet now?

Makes the UK's decision to leave the EU even more dodgy. We can add the USA to the list of dodgy places we're now got to cosy up to. Rather than our democratic, liberal neighbours. Great

Hi Louis, thanks for your post. As always, it seems to take me an age to get back to people....but I get there in the end. I'm feeling in a good spot at the moment and the vulnerability thing was more of an observation than anything else. This place is a bit of a microcosom in a way. I'm genuinely fascinated by the interactions between people...the way we respond to each other...the celebrations...the grudges...the honesty...the lies. The people who come and go and the (many) who stay the course all trying in various ways to achieve a better life. And this mirrors real life, over and over. The complex interactions, the stored up feelings, the different personalities.

Good to see all is well with you, baby and gf. It's really hard in the early days with a little one (actually, I'm not sure it gets any easier as time goes on, but no matter). Unsuprising that you were having a few difficult emotions, but great that you could talk it through together. That's the key isn't it? I was thinking of you and ACT the other day I read the book "Wonder" by RJ Palacio and one of it's central themes was about kindness. Just be kind. And I thought that could be a good value to live by. I've been really trying to go with that. It seems such a simple idea. Just be kind. God, it's hard! Simple kindness maybe...but to really put it into action it encompasses everything. Our thoughts, deeds, actions. I would have said I'm a kind person, but just seeing it and how my thoughts sometimes go off track. It's been eye opening.

Ok, signing off before this becomes too much of a ramble. Take care. LB x

Hi Cardcue/Louis, thanks for the drop-by on my diary.

I didn't realise you were in recovery for so long! Congrats on that, it just shows it can be done if you do the right things! Glad to see everything is well with your little family, cherrish these days my friend.

All the best

Hi, Louis,

Thanks for the post, hope things are ticking along for your family.

BW,

CW

Difficult night on Friday. Work xmas do. Not exactly unusual to struggle at a xmas do as they're quite weird at the best of times.

I'd been up since 6 on the morning of the do and was tired by the time it started. But rather than calling it a night reasonably early on, as is probably normal for people who have kids, I couldn't let it go and kept at it even though I really wasn't feeling it - and as everyone gets more P****d and starts dancing to cheesy she-ite music, my not being into it becomes more apparent. Probably not to anyone else - but in my head, where I am the centre of the world and everyone is now monitoring my every more, everything I do matters.

Started drinking more to try and get into it. Finally realised this is stupid and called it a night but didn't get back till 2am.

Think part of the reason I couldn't get into it was guilt of knowing I'd be a mess the next day. And knowing that hangover and having to entertain a 5 month old baby is literally the worst thing in the world.

Anyway, after getting back at 2, I then couldn't get to sleep all night, and then had to attempt to look after my baby from 7am.

My insomnia was linked to some kind of social anxiety in relation to the Xmas do. I think it's to do with a struggle with a new identity. Not totally sure about this. But I used to be the kind of the entertainer, outgoing, somtimes the crazy one, doing stuff which people think should be embarrassing but I was always alright with it. I know that in my area (law) people are really repressed and secretly want to be more outgoing so I always had a captive audience and a defined role.

This time people were trying to encourage me to do stuff - I wasn't feeling it at all. Yet I wanted to be the old me.

Everyone was asking baby related stuff. Which I like, but I also felt this was defining me, this is what I've become. This is why I put off becoming a dad until 39.

When I've got all this she-ite going round my head, one thing for sure is that I am far from 'present'. Suddenly I'm in red-mode and analysiing everything that's being said. I'm considering what I'm saying, I'm super sensitive to body language. I'm generally over-sensitive and obsessed with figuring out what is acceptable. I'm basically monitoring for almost subliminally for any signs of rejection. All I care about is rejection so I can't engage. I've stopped being 'me'- i've stopped being outgoing, independently minded, gregarious

I'm starting to monitor how other people are interacting with other people. What is normal. Dancing. I feel self-conscious, I look at others dancing freely and they're good dancers because they don't care. Or they appear not to care. Or because they're enjoying what they're doing. Why should it matter if you're a good dancer FFS.

If I drink more I might loosen up. Deep down I know this never works. I know that caning a whole more booze at this stage is going to do some real damage to the next day. But I can't see a way out, anything to relieve the discomfort I'm feeling. And it's a free bar after all....and anything to stop this sense of feeling lost.

The do finishes - everyone's trying to get me to go out for more drinks. I'm still feeling unconnected from people - peope seem hyper active and behaving weirdly. I'm not imagining this. Normally that's me.

My instinct has always been to keep going, last man standing. But I go to the toilet and it finally dawns on me. I CAN GO HOME. Phew, I break free. Why didn't I do this a long time ago?

I'm still feeling haunted by the whole thing by the time I get back. And then the insomnia kicks in as I start rehearsing events of the night. This classic, social anxiety symptom, which continues to kick you in the nuts even when I'm in bed alone: the post-mortem. I know it's pointless. But I don't seem able to switch my brain off.

I check the clock, 4 hours till I have to get up. More post-mortem, listen to a Radio 4 programme about 'Infinity' - think that it'll be too clever and I'll have to switch off. But instead I'm trying to understand it. 3 hours till I have to get up. 2 hours, 1 hour, waaahaaaa. baby awakes.

Tell myself that no matter how I feel, I can get through this Saturday. This is classic willingness. And I think in the end I do pretty well. I'm relieved to have my lovely partner and my baby. The hauntig feeling is still there from the night before but I feel a bit cocooned from it.

And today I feel more normal. But last Friday was telling me something I want to learn from. I'm getting bogged down with major self-conceptualisations about who I am. I have to be either a boring dad and a good father, or have fun and be a she-ite father.

I realised that recently I've become really cynical at work. I've always had a cynical side to me, which in small doses is healthy. But cynicism can also become a way of insulating me from hurt. When I am being overly cynical, I'm really SCARED. And when I'm cynical I can't be rejected because whoever might reject me is 'corrupted'. In fact, I feel worthless. I don't know how to bridge this gap into fatherhood and I feel scared. And I feel sad writing this but I feel relieved.

Louis

Morning Louis

I had to laugh as though it's my son thats the CG I can very much relate to your Friday night. The stories within the stories all going on at the same time in your head. It's all your ego trying to upset the apple cart:)

Sometimes it is worth looking into but sometimes I really think it's just best to call it a night.

"My mind is like a bad neighborhood. I try not to go into it alone." - Annie Lamott

Have a great gamble free day Louis and try not to be sad... you sound like you are doing a great job on all fronts.

Cathyx

Hi Louis. I read this at the weekend, but as always I'm tardy in my response. I can't guarantee it's worth waiitng for!!

Like Cathy, I get where you're coming from. I've been known to over analyze myself 🙂 If you've got something out of the post mortem then all well and good, but it may just be that this is how we (as humans) are. A slightly crazy mix of personalities and egos all towing the slightly absurd line that because it's christmas we have to put on stupid hats, pull crackers and dance to music that we'd otherwise poke ourselves in the eye to avoid. Does this happen in other countries? Do Italians have a version of Noddy Holder? Or is just an British thing?

The point I wanted to pick up on was this...

"I'm getting bogged down with major self-conceptualisations about who I am. I have to be either a boring dad and a good father, or have fun and be a she-ite father."

Seems to me that you're losing sight of reality. I don't think it's an either or. Cut yourself some slack. One drunken Christmas party and subsequent hangover does not a she-ite father make. It makes you a fairly average father...you join the legions of Dads who let their hair down every so often. If you were doing it weekly/daily then maybe the she-ite father tag applies. But you're not. Equally, not getting she-ite faced doesn't make you boring. You do open mics, you live a good life, have a good job, are open to new ideas etc. That doesn't sound like someone who's boring to me. And even if you are, so what?? Your baby cares not one jot.

Becoming a parent does change our perceptions of ourselves. Maybe you're still adjusting (My eldest is 23, I'm still adjusting too). It alters how we view ourselves, and that's ok. Just don't be striving for perfection. I wasted so much time second guessing every move, every decision...always trying to do the right thing. You're a good man. Hve faith in your abilites and please know that your best is good enough.

LB x

Thanks for the super nice and funny post LB. Very much appreciated and I feel you understand me well.

My post-Xmas do head funk carried on for a while, a haunted feeling. But then a weird thing happened.

I kind alluded to a friend at work that I was in a bad place. He asked me to go for a coffee to chat. In spite of various thoughts telling myself I shouldn't open up, it's an embarrasing nothing, weak etc. I went ahead and basically opened up all my inner most thoughts and fears I'd been having.

I think thats maybe the first time I've really done that when I'm in the midst of the mire, particularly someone neither my GF or a best friend. Talking it through, I realised my self-conceptualising about fatherhood was really a red-herring. All it was, was that I was no longer the 'main man' - which in turn is due to having less available time and a change in positions at work.

Basically, I was admitting to a person at work that I was having a loss of confidence. I know for a lot of people, admitting this is absolutely nothing - I'm guessing particularly so for women, who tend to be far more open and less pride-driven.

Anyway, it was powerfully therapeutic. I still felt sad afterwards, but it wasn't like suffering. Kind of peaceful sadness which weirdly felt warming. Would never have done that a while back. I find it hard to open up when I'm struggling - I suppose when it's a major rock-bottom it's easier as there's no escaping.

Although I've told lots of people about my gambling, that's been from a position of having stopped, for a while now. So, that's kind of airing vulnerabilities but from a safe position. In fact, I do that quite a lot - share my insecurities but from a position of safetly.

It's telling that I never told anyone about my gambling until I stopped. I couldn't present a live struggle. Yet I feel fairly sure that if I had told people before, I would've stopped much earlier.

Being able to detach yourself from thoughts is good, noticing them as thoughts and not facts has been a really useful skill to learn. Writing down thoughts goes one better. Sharing with a suitable person as they happen is the best.

Louis