cardhue wrote: Society/the human condition says we can't be average or below average at something. Even though statistically that's where we fall, in most aspects of life.
No way, if we're not gona excel, it's better we fail spectacularly. That way we can still be exceptional.
Accept a 5
I'm an avid reader Louis but tend to absorb rather than bump your diary up.
Exceptional post Louis....... Society is really a b.itch with which we put needless pressure on ourselves.
A belated thought on your pops and my pops. We're products, just like respective poppa ' s and rinse repeat. In our own unique way we struggle through our own confusion but morph into our folks but with our own identities. And as the years go on, the roles reverse and we start seeing these strong characters vulnerabilities .
Society tells us vulnerability is a weakness. Yet in reality in showing it, is really a human quality .....
2 pints and a glass of red post...
Trust your well
Enthused that my partner has started working through an ACT for couples book. Only done the first few chapters which are basically just going through what we think p155e3 the other off. Which even if we stop there, is so helpful.
Not been having big problems, probably pretty standard disconnection caused by having an all consuming 8 month old boy. But I'd become a bit worried and so got this book with the idea of working through it myself. I guiltily admitted my purchase to my partner. Once she'd got over the shock of me buying a 'relationship' book (and stopped rolling her eyes at another ACT book), and I'd assured her that things weren't THAT bad just that I want to make things better, she not only stopped her slightly sneering tone, but suggested we go through the book together. Which is really exciting for me as I've never pushed ACT on her as she doesn't have any obvious 'things', but I'm convinced that almost everyone can benefit from it as it brings you and relationships ALIVE.
What brought us alive, even after just going through a few chapters was honesty, admission of faults - this brings about instant connection, empathy and love. A dramatic turnaround from what was going on before - toiling just to get by, over-defensive, paranoid.
Looked ahead in the book and it talks about mindful cuddling - sounds brilliant. Like the intimacy of taking an E with your girlfriend, but without the comedown..I hope.
Got me thinking - before we had this breakthrough, I had been trying a lot to make the relationship better, in my own internalised way. I was certainly 'trying' pretty hard, but I wasn't being effective. I'd tell myself I'd get home and really try and listen, be less sensitive, be more caring etc - yet pretty quickly these 'good' intentions were being taken over by petty squabbles, or, a sense of being too tired to do anything, too flat to really bother taking...might as well just go online for a bit...
My approach to fix things was- more of the same but try harder. Yet an hour spent being honest about ourselves, doing an exercise in this book and suddenly it's all changed.
And (with reference to a couple of mini-debates around the forum), this seems to apply to my life struggles. I can try very hard, be determined, really grit myteeth - but if I'm coming at things from the wrong angle, from the same mindset, I'm hitting my head against a brick wall. I'm defeating myself. Or, in my case, it became poor me - all my sterling efforts, mostly just stuff going on in my head, were for nowt.
That's partly why I previously posted in respect of being strong/weak. If it's brute force, then my instinct is that somethings not right and you're probably struggling against yourself. Perseverence is really important but it's more important to get on the right tracks before you push on. It's not about force, it's about doing things differently and almost certainly in a way which will, at least initially, take you out of your comfort zone.
Louis
Hi Louis,
Nice post! All the best for you and Mrs Louis going forward..recovery may as well come in the form of discovery ☺
S x
Noticed a little bit of frustration in your posts over the last few months. You ok?
Hello Louis, hadn't noticed what Dan had perceived...
Anyway, a little late in responding, but now coming to an end of working in sticks and back to London soon. So, quite looking forward to catching up for a beer.
Best to you, lal fella and Mrs
Hi, don't know whether I should say Cardhue or Louis, don't know if I have the right to use your name. I have just read your comment on Days diary. From a selfish point of view, I value the more experienced on here, without you it would be all newbies and nearly newbies, talking blocks and debts and days. And that is important, but it is not enough. I need the thoughts of people like you, you make me think....comment about 'turning up' further up this page struck a chord.
Ha,
I get what youre saying. I often feel whats the point in posting anything & i rarely do on other diaries. I tend to have a gamcare crisis about every 6 months, where i just want to scream & throw my toys out of the pram!
One thing I have learnt is you cant convince anybody anything they dont want to hear. People generally come here to give advice & arent particularly interested in taking any. They would rather spend time trying to help others than helping themselves. Its easier isnt it?
A question.
You are gamble free for over 4 years, how many times has anyone asked your opinion on here? Or any of the other people who havnt had a punt for a decent amount of time?
They dont, because they are not interested. They want what we all want when we first try to stop. To prove to themselves they can control this on their own.
By the way. Newborn in the house is a free pass to being a grumpy fecker
Thank you Louis, I grew up in an age where it was Mr or Mrs, until invited to use first name. I'm Helen.
Hi Louis. I have been meaning to write this post to you for a while and now seems like an opportune time. It's really a simple thank you. Thank you for introducing me to ACT. The things you've shared, the insight you've given and the simple concept of "feeling the feelings" have, and are, making a very big difference for me. As you well know, I've spent many an hour thinking about and understanding my thoughts, feelings and behaviours. The time in counselling has all been useful and the psycho- dynamic part of it particularly so. But I think I got caught up somewhere in the idea of changing how I was feeling. The goal of counselling became not just to understand why but to alter the feelings. The idea that we can choose how we respond became mixed for me with the idea that we can also choose how we feel. And that if I really understood where the feelings stemmed from then I would therefore stop feeling them. That somehow I could stop difficult feelings and emotions from being triggered. And over and over I kept trying, but still those difficult feelings kept coming. And so I kept digging and thinking and trying to find the key that would make me feel happy. To get to the point when things no longer upset me. But somehow what you said sunk in, and it started to make sense. And at first I don't think I really wanted to hear it because that kinda meant that what I'd been doing wasn't right and I was heavily invested in it so er, maybe not. And then I didn't really want to hear it because when I tried it, it was bloody difficult and feeling those feelings was something I've spent years purposely not doing, so again, er maybe not. But I just kept coming back to it. That it was the missing part. This was the part that no therapist, counsellor, friend or book had ever told me. This is the bit that has made the difference. And for that (and for you) I am truely grateful.
And so many times now I hear myself saying just sit with it, just feel it. And a little while later I hear a little thanks Louis 🙂
Been thinking about the labels we give ourselves.
I recognised 'social anxiety' as being an issue for me and a likely driver behind addiction. It caused misfiring as I would often fail to connect in certain situations and with certain people. I think it was partly being with my GF and realising that she was genuinely at ease in most situations, yet sheis also totally relatable to me. Ah...so how I feel isn't totally normal.
I really thought that the way I was, was just normal - I thought, sure some people are 'extraverts', but my social discomfort was standard. Everyone experienced it just that some people covered up better than others.
I's been really useful to acknowledge what's going on and, mainly through ACT, learn to live a pretty healthy and fulfilling life in spite of it (and, bonus, as I act in spite of uncomfortable feelings, those feeling tend to lose their bite anyway). Basically moving towards what matters rather than avoiding what matters.
But I don't think saying, or more importantly, thinking, 'I have social anxiety' is helpful. For starters, it's a really broad term and I definitely don't share a lot of traits with many social anxious character traits - I'm not shy/quiet, I always speak up at work and public speaking I'm fine with. That said, people like my GF's parents or certain friends of friends I can get really self-conscious around. But any label we give ourselves is never properly accurate.
So it's too broad but it's also limiting. Once you 'are' this person, then you're obviously going to act within that label. Crazy how words can affect us in this way.
And it's not just negative labels. Positive ones are an a r se too. I'm happy bubbly/outgoing - great but if you really buy into this then it's a bit of b ummer when you really you're really not in the mood and rather than going with how you feel, you struggle to be the person you've been telling yourself you are. Tis where meltdown leads...
In my work there are quite a few who I can see who pride themselves on considering themselves sharp/intelligent - they probably are pretty smart. But then I can see sometimes they have to force it and rather than admitting to not having a clue, they blag it... whilst their cheeks turn a bit pink. I just think what a hassle having to live up to that.
Can sometimes seem like a fine line. You want to be honest with yourself and acknowledge what's going on and what's limiting you. But you don't want to be constrained by it. In the case of stuff falling under 'social anxiety', acknowledging that sometimes I feel uncomfortable in certain situations will do.
I saw this amazing post today by a guy called Steven Hayes who is one of the guys created ACT:
Read your post Louis,
Put the lap top down,
digested the post...
Read again....
And then looked at my one-sided sheet of paper.
Superb post, thanks
People tend to realise the importance of self-compassion but how do we put this into practice?
I heard an interesting exercise that goes something like this. Take the negative thought or belief that you have - something you keep beating yourself over the head with. Now imagine yourself as a child, perhaps by picturing a childhood photo. Now imagine saying those same, harsh words, to you as a child. You might get a glimpse of the hurt you're causing yourself.
Taken from....
Bu....,gger Louis, I just sent post and it disappeared into cyber space......So, Take 2!
Thanks for your post! So, will start with, how's about giving the lil fella some gin until the Mrs comes home.... bad joke ! Or, you could play him your latest number 1 and watch him break dance in ryrhmn to the beat. Either way I think your gonna have a good day!!
As for singing I won't totally dismiss it, OH yes I will ;-), I've never seemed to have had a sound control so would need a room of lip readers to understand what I'm singing. Also I'm sure it would sound good to me!!
I've been sat on a river bank for a couple of hours, musing away with a paper and a phone, I've realised that birds are also on auto pilot just like us. The addicts would be the pigeons, so I've concluded that we're birds after all and it's all about energy....kerchinggg!
Anyway I know your gonna have a good day so will finish with ciou
Article about a large gambling Co which told it's staff vote Tory or lose your job.
Seriously!
Tells you all you need to know about who NOT to vote for, when the next early GE comes around
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