Killing the Zombie

Well said Louis... BTW I am reading the Happiness Trap ( and doing the worksheets). Really enjoying!

Cathyx

Hi

I've just spent the last hour or so reading through your diary. I was amazed at the ease you managed to give up & although I've still got a bit of reading to go. I find it hard to fathom that you have relapsed. Sadly that's not the case for me. I've been doing okay for the last couple of years but since putting a couple of pennies Brighton arcade at the end of last year. it’s been a roller-coaster ride.

I like how you started to write about healing yourself in other way aside from not gambling. I know this is a common theme in quite a few diaries but you have really got me thinking about going in deep, leaving no stone unturned trying to figure out why I am like I am and how recovery can help me heal all aspects of myself not just my addictions. I'm going to sign up to some free counselling at work after I've finished writing this and really try to find the route of my suffering. I have a heavy suspicion that it's linked to fear of rejection but I want to know what's going on! Thanks for kindling the flames.

Peace out

Hi Louis,

Read you post to Ryan! Wow..found it very inspiring so thank you for sharing ☺

Keep doing what you're doing - it's clearly working!

S x

Hi Louis,

Thanks for your post today. It was very kind and thoughtful, and I think my thoughts that I am quite guarded and play my cards close to my chest on here are clearly not accurate!

You highlight some of the things that I know for myself, its just time for me to stop making excuses not to make those changes (like time, my favourite excuse over the last few months). As HS said, it is inspiring and a proper kick up the you know where in another way too.

Thanks again,

Ryan

Hi Louis

Am enjoying the book but it is a lot of work (which makes sense... changing years of dysfunctional coping methods is going to take time!). Defusion is a very difficult concept...just accepting the thought or emotion without putting a "spin" on it.

My recovery from being an enabling (hate that word) mom has been both exhausting and enlightening. I continue to use Gam Anon as though I am the furthest thing from religious I do feel a definite spirtual conection which was definitely lacking. I am enjoying the ACT also as it is tangible which also suits my personality.

I so admire your commitment to both recovery and yourself!

Cathyx

Random thoughts.

Son's first bday party yest. Great occasion, highlight of which was an opera singing friend singing happy bday, Pavarotti style.

Afterwards I'm feeling sad though. I don't why it is. It feels like insecurity and that's annoying me as I didn't want insecurity to seep into the world, of fatherhood. Obviously it was artificial to think things would automatically change.

Insecure thoughts include...my son's really clingy to his mum and yesterday was particularly so. Given I play a full role and do 50/50- this seems 'unfair' -I'm not getting the same bond and, I'm ashamed to admit, I wonder of people think I'm a bad father. Basically fear I'm being judged badly.

I'm possibly jealous of my partner having a huge number of very old, close friends, whilst I've got less friends in London and have struggled to make friends down here for whatever reason.

I know these are daft fears. But then I get annoyed for having these thoughts. Double punishment.

I'm torn between admitting these to my partner and thinking I should just 'man up'. And a part of me knows this is not a big deal.

I'm the annoyed at my indecison about how to react. Woa is me!

Is that a microcosm of the whole gambling secrecy argument? Or is it right to sometimes not reveal our minute insecurities. Maybe, but if I'm being grumpy, which I was, that deserves an honest explanation.

Hoping that writing this helps. I feel it does

Louis

Been watching 'Broken' on BBC. Great programme - i'm an episode or 2 behind so no spoilers please!

Really like Jimmy Mcgovern's stuff. Quite gritty, everyday life stories but packed with an emotional side, which borderlines on being sentimental at times, but is really moving. The key characters are almost always heavily flawed but also deeply relatable in spite of these flaws.

Anyway, I like that this series, amongst the various intertwined stories, has one story revolves around a woman's secret gambling addiction. In particular, it explores in detail this woman's shame of secrecy and how it completely consumes her. It also unequivicolly has a massive pop at the gambling industry, and FOBTs in particular. Massive kudos to McGovern for bringing this into the public light.

It's not perfect - I don't really believe the woman who's addicted, she doesn't seem like someone on the edge of suicide. It also seems to suggest that people otherwise competely healthy become addicted. Which I don't agree with. But fair play nonetheless.

Had a quick look at McGovern's profile. Clearly the gambling comes from personal experience - and the article I read clear he was a bit of a drinker and smoked heavily. So clearly there's some personal experience there. But great, we should have more people writing from experience, writing about what is 'real life' for most people.

Its good Hai Louis.

I trust you, little fella are doing well today, i'm sure you dont need this chap to say, but a good idea todo what i'm about to do and get out to enjoy the Sun. Im bugg..ered to be honest and was toying with the idea of a day of siesta's, then i realised that A) im not spanish and B) I really want to start the next week on a even keel.

Thanks for your comments on my diary the other day, the 2nd part made me think and now early days in this new friendship i've made but an enjoyable evening last evening and now nicely focused on myself today.

Have a goodie.

I see your fan club isn't as big as LUFC's

cardhue wrote: Random thoughts. Son's first bday party yest. Great occasion, highlight of which was an opera singing friend singing happy bday, Pavarotti style. Afterwards I'm feeling sad though. I don't why it is. It feels like insecurity and that's annoying me as I didn't want insecurity to seep into the world, of fatherhood. Obviously it was artificial to think things would automatically change. Insecure thoughts include...my son's really clingy to his mum and yesterday was particularly so. Given I play a full role and do 50/50- this seems 'unfair' -I'm not getting the same bond and, I'm ashamed to admit, I wonder of people think I'm a bad father. Basically fear I'm being judged badly. I'm possibly jealous of my partner having a huge number of very old, close friends, whilst I've got less friends in London and have struggled to make friends down here for whatever reason. I know these are daft fears. But then I get annoyed for having these thoughts. Double punishment. I'm torn between admitting these to my partner and thinking I should just 'man up'. And a part of me knows this is not a big deal. I'm the annoyed at my indecison about how to react. Woa is me! Is that a microcosm of the whole gambling secrecy argument? Or is it right to sometimes not reveal our minute insecurities. Maybe, but if I'm being grumpy, which I was, that deserves an honest explanation. Hoping that writing this helps. I feel it does Louis

I missed that post from the other day. Iv'e had similar experiences, especially in the last couple of weeks, and then remembered that iv'e been avoiding an important ingredient and thats good sleep. And i'm not even a dad. Natural wellbeing comes under many guises, so in between holidays where we become human again, make sure you look after yout self.

Remind me when we have a drink a simple theory i have

Hi Louis, thanks for you comments on my diary. I agree we should all be able to talk about what's important to us without having to worry what others think. Hope you're keeping well!

All the best

Hi Louis.

Thanks for your interest. I will catch up with your diary on one of my sleepless nights. I will eventually go back to the sports again and be excited without a bet but for now it's got to go. I've realised that I love to gamble in all walks of life. To have secrets. That need to not get caught. Today I vow to be honest. I was itching for a bet this morning. Instead I hit my online accounts and excluded for the maximum terms. It felt good. Thank you.

Louis - just wanted to thank you for taking the time to add thoughts to my diary. I've been taking some time to review yours... it's clear you and I have a lot in common (not only the fact we joined here approximately the same time).

Your thoughts on labelling around social anxiety are particularly close-to-home, as it's something I really relate to. In certain company, I'm confident, outgoing, authoritative - past colleagues at work would describe me as being sure of myself. Yet, with some people - and in particular situations - I am anxious to the point of distraction. Equally, I know I'm an introvert, albeit a potentially sociable one. For some time now, I've labelled myself 'socially-anxious' and 'introverted'... and this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more you tell yourself it's true, the more it becomes reality. Like you, my Mrs is the complete opposite; relaxed, comfortable and engaging regardless of company.

Keep up the good work on here mate.

D123

Hi Louis just wanted to say thanks for posting on my diary , much appreciated hope things continue to go well for yourself.

Back from an enjoyable family holiday - 9 of us including my own partner, son, sister and her family, and my parents.

Noticed my 'self-monintoring' (the internal process of continual feedback, evaluation, post-mortem, prediction etc - in relation to interactions) was in full-flow in the family environment.

The self-monitoring comes out in situations where I struggle to be myself. And I struggle to be myself with my own family , especially during a 2 week holiday. I feel constrained by the old family dynamics which were around when I was a child, like living in the shade of the more effervescent older sister. Why can't I 'break free'? Do I not want to break free? Am I really getting some kind of security through sticking to the tried and tested? That sounds right.

About half way through the holiday I realised that I needed to completely move away from the self-monitoring. Sounds very obvious now, given that I had been aware of the self-monitoring for a good wee while now. But on deciding to stop, I felt fear. The fear was of letting go of an established way of doing things - of the constant judging/evaluating/predicting etc. My mind even said - 'but you need the ability to analyse for your job and it served you well for studies'...and 'self-monitoring stops you being a t&*t'. Clearly my mind felt threatened by this change and started heavy 'rationalising' to keep the status quo.

This is all about living by fear and the comfort which old tried and tested behaviours bring.

It's true that I still do need to be able to self-evaluate, sometimes. But it's currently out of control and it's lessening the quality of my life. For all the time I'm self-monitoring I'm not 'present'. I'm reactive. I'm trying to fit in. I'm cautious. I'm never silly. I'm being dictated to by people's reactions rather than what I believe in.

Anyway, just making that conscious decision during the holiday to 'unhook' from the stream of self-monitoring thoughts. That decreased my internal suffering and the holiday definitely picked up for me.

The answer seems to be all about living according to values. And if I'm truly doing this then there isn't the need to evaluate all the time. If I make a commitment act according to my values, I un-do the good work by taking it all to pieces and judging how things went. I'm then back in the trap of being reactive rather than doing what matters.

Do what matters and then move on. Don't unpick and even if it goes well, don't even bask. Just do it, and keep on doing it.

Louis

Louis.
Fella I emulate greatly with that post, I can fully understand the restrictive nature of that mindset.
A great share my friend.
I am glad the outcome meant you created change,positive change at that.
Regards.
Duncs.