Killing the Zombie

So first real day of consciously trying not to lie - given I didn't have much contact yest.

First friend I spoke to at work asked me what I did on my day off yest. I mentioned the good stuff - the tennis lesson and the bike ride but deliberately didn't say that the bike ride led to a pub.

So there's the first one that's slipped out. Pretty nuts that I'm covering up going for a pint on a day off, but there we go.

Old habits will clearly die hard

Is that the truth Louis or did you just make that up ? :))

OK you got me - I went on a bike ride then stopped off for a hit of smack.

Oh no, that was meant to be a joke, but now I've lied. Arghhh ; )

You posted on my diary so I'm posting on yours. I have ultimate respect for your recovery but I don't believe we have anything in common so I'm asking again respectfully after disagreements and comments please can you stay away from my diary. Thank you, Phil.

My partner and wee man have went away a few days ago and are away for 8 days in total. Unheard of.

I confess to initial strong feelings of excitment at a chance to have 'free' time. My first time since his birth. To do whatever I want. Anything at all is possible. Absolutely anything.

Funny then that in this same period I find my internet time is way up. I even got my first ever moderated post (which I believe is in respect of comments about Conradnose's website promotion), which is kind of symoblic of where I am - slightly lost.

I can't imagine being single. I miss my partner and my wee boy. I feel lonely. That's good. Feel it. Breath into it. It's a sunny day here and there IS actually a lot I want to do!

Louis

Hey Congratulations on joining the " Moderated post " Club Louis :)) .

I empathise with the whole " Yeah ! I can do what I want " " hang on I'm on my own " " What shall I do " feeling :((

It's one of those " Bitersweet " moment's but in my mind proves that you love having your family unit around :))

Take care and enjoy the free moment's :))

You don't need to rewrite the rulebook but just do a couple of things that otherwise would be harder to do. Meet up with a friend and have a few beers. Get the guitar out and make some noise? Make up a welcome back present for when they do return. Something original and something they would get. Enjoy the time you have alone but be thankful for what you have. I am alone all the time, thank yourself lucky you have a partner you feel connected too. Not everyone gets that in life.

Your walking the Gamcare line Louis with your moderation, I find that amusing.

I completely get what you say in your post, feel the lonely, yet make the most of your quiet time, I think it's so important. Coupledom is good, yet singledom can also be good, so despite being social creatures, a balance is always needed.

Something I'm trying to work on..

Have a good one Louis and lay of the smack..

Thanks Alan, Rob and Paul, I appreciate each of your posts. Feels good breaking my moderation seal. Edgy, rebel without a cause. Smack next.

Me saying 'I can't imagine being single' etc was an insensitive thing to say so I apologise for that.

As you say Rob, I'm unbelievably lucky. Because....

I'm born into a country where there is basic respect for human rights and democracy. I believe that in terms of world population, a country such as the UK makes up a small proportion. We are somehow free from dictatorship, theocracy and religious dogma. That's very lucky.

Related to the above, we live in a country where there is comparatively a very high standard of living.

We could've been born at any point but we'e*e born in this period. At a time of long life expectation, no wars which really impact the general population, excellent education, medical care and pain management. Given the planet's on-going ecoside - environmental disaster looms. It could be a very short golden era of about 100-150 years, in which to be born. Humans have been around for 1-2 million years. It's insanely lucky I was born now.

So even before I look at any personal issues, the odds of simply being alive now must be staggering. Perhaps akin to winning the lottery yet immeasurably more valuable than winning the lottery.

Louis

One of the things that I think would surprise non CGs is the drudgery of addiction and how far removed, in fact completely opposite it is, from the Casino Royale, exciting aura which sometimes surrounds gambling. I do think this might be one thing which genuinely shocks non-CGs, almost as much as the staggering losses of money. Certainly the thing I find harder today is explaining the reality of my action - it's easier to say I lost £125k or whatever it was.

No Monte Carlo, going down the river for me.

My gambling action changed through the years. Much of it was spent sneaking into pubs on my own to play on the fruit machines. I soon established that Weatherspoon pubs were ideal. As a chain of pubs, their lack of individual character, and locals, gave an air of anonymity and safety. I felt I could easily slip and out without anyone noticing too much. I used to finish work and then quite often do a tour of Weatherspoon pubs around the centre of the city I used to live in, Leeds.

I had two broad modes. Reckless or prudent. Neither satisfied. The reckless mode meant I ran out of tokens quickly - in reckless mode I might be looking at a seriously low prospects of winning 'big' (ie, a couple of hundred). Maybe a 1 in 20 shot.

The prudent mode meant not gambling too much, taking a couple of £ here and there, not pushing the boat out. Just testing with the odd £. This method allowed the show to go on for quite a while. But even in action it was boring. This was really just going through the motions. When in prudent mode, I would often complete my Weatherspoon circuit, and then recommence the circuit. As I hadn't had a fix. By the time of the second circuit I would turn reckless just so I could go home.

Somehow, in spite of doing this sneaking around pubs for maybe 10 years, I never got exposed. I never really saw anyone I knew. I had become so adept at sneaking around, checking the coast is clear, avoiding hot spots and risky times of the day.

Another totally banal memory which sticks withe me is my tendancy to 'hit' the FMs in train stations. There was something about the 'freedom' of travel, the freedom of being inbetween places. Maybe of being free from the shackles temporarily, the shackles of where I was coming from and going to. If I was lucky the train station had an arcade. These were great as they totally transient and anonymous. But most stations didn't have this. So instead, my rock n roll outlet was the FM in the corner of an Upper Crust cafe.

Nothing summed up the drudgery more than hammering an FM, in the corner of an Upper Crust whilst old ladies supped their tea from polystyrene cups - wondering why this person kept putting coins in - disappearing (to get more money) and returning. Repeat.

I remember getting a train on my own from Edinburgh to London, and establishing with the train conductor that, with my open return, I could get off the train at Newcastle for an hour and hop back on the next one. I did this. Just so I could have a gamble. I think Newcastle station had a pub - no need for the Upper Crust.

Gambling's sometimes seen as being seedy. In the same kind of world as prostitution and drugs. But the reality of gambling isn't even that exciting. It's state sponsored, fully legal, sanitised stuff of dullards. Smack addicts ghost around, missing teeth and smelling foul. Gambling addicts ghost around, in normal clothes and relatively clean, self-absorbed on a machine. Always keeping it together. Never let it show.

Towards the end of my career, attention had of course turned to the online world. Which is sad really as it cuts out all of the public humiliation aspect. Now you just do your nuts in on your own, on your own bed. There's no public danger of humiliation - just inwards. It's just numbers on a screen going down. The bursting head the next day when you remember what you've done. It's more internalised than ever.

Hi Louis,

Just popped in to say thanks for your reply on my thread, much appreciated and makes lots of sense. Much like your post above, we are so lucky to be alive in this era. Maybe time to stop judging and concentrate on myself and the present time. As you say, its mindfulness, something I need to work on along with my own self esteem.

I read through a little of your thread. I was on my own for 3 nights last month when my wife took the kids camping and like you was so looking forward to the "peace and quiet". I usually get in from work at 5.30 and it's bedlam until the kids go to bed at 8ish. When they were all away I didn't know what to do with myself by 8pm!! It was far too quiet and made me realise that I probably take them for granted.

I never played fruit machines, all of my gambling was online bookies, hidden away from the world and basically living a double life, that's how I think of it anyway. Only issue was my second life was slowly but surely having a massive impact on my normal life. So glad I don't do any of that sneaking around anymore, life is much simpler.

Have a nice weekend Louis. PA

Back from a self imposed exile of 5 months. Accepted that my activity on here was, itself, compulsive behaviour.

Feel better for it. I had some superstition that this forum was linked to my abstention but that's fallen away. Values based decisions, and honesty, keep me straight. It will be 5 years next week.

Been meditating regularly. No stats but regular meditation must help tackle addiction. Learning we are not our thoughts, sitting with the pull of urges but not biting. All pretty useful stuff.

Big changes afoot. Gambling doesn't fit into them

Hi Louis

Great to read you are well and you are still following your values. I still read the act book you kindly sent me.

I am currently meditating and finding it hard as just starting. Still trying to pop those thoughts like bubbles and realise its a learnt skill and need to keep at it.

Moving out of the big smoke is a wise move, i work in Leeds so maybe a beer at some point in the future.

All the best

Rob

Good to hear from you Louis, had been meaning to say hi, but hai as you know london life seems to suck up all time. Think it’s superb you moving your family upto Leeds, no doubt will take a bit of getting use too but once in the groove you’ll realise that you’ve gone from surviving to living.

A beer in Leeds sounds cool and no doubt Rob can show us some of the cool spit and saw dust cool venues.

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. The danger lies in refusing to face the fear, in daring not to come to grips with it

Roosevelt