Killing the Zombie

I read a comment that gambling is an anethetizer. That it numbs internal pain. By internal pain we realy mean difficult thoughts or uncomfortable feelings. Generally the pain that people refer to on here is purely internal - I don't often hear about people gambling because they are in severe physical pain. The impulse in that situation would be to reach for painkillers.

But any gambling anesthesia is purely temporary. You generally can't run and the thoughts and feelings return with avengance. If you try really, really hard, you might be able to repress your emotions, so that you become deadened and emotionally repressed. This is a switching off from life and a narrowing of your world. Hardly something to aspire to. The costs of avoidance run high.

But I was thinking that anesthesia works in a second way, in addition to general, tempoary numbing. It also confuses us about what we are running from. We think that we are suffering because we lost money. We think that our problems would stop if we could just get a handle on the gambling. We think it's greed that drives us.

So addiction also numbs the reasons behind why we gamble. And leaves us being confused.

To be open and reveal myself (in spite of any self-consciousness)

To value and develop friendships

Persistence

To help others

Intimacy

Creativity

To be grateful for who and what I have

———

These are my values. 18 June 2018

Louis, Not sure if this is your active thread but wanted to thank you for your post over the weekend. I will make a point of watching that TED Talk. I hear you loud and clear. I know full well that defeating this addiction is more than simply stifling the urges. We do need to get to the root cause of the urges, which I suppose involves understanding ourselves and what drives us to gamble. This is the difficult part. For me it likely owes itself to a perpetual state of depression and latent traumatic stress from the horrors I witnessed as a child and through my youth. Maybe the TED Talk will be useful. Anyway, Louis, thank you for thinking about me and for even spending any time writing to me. It means more than you know. Kudos on 2000 plus days gamble free. You are truly an inspiration.

Best wishes, Mark

New era for me. Both in my actual life and my GC life.

So, I track down a psych who will take me on. I've been practicing Acceptance and Commitment Therapy which addresses how you behave and respond to stuff. But this guy I find is a proper armchair psych - specalises in relational and existential therapy. Pretty deep stuff.

He asks why I've come to see him. I explain how I get really self-conscious in certain/many social situations, so I lose a sense of who I am - basically, I have a social anxiety variant which I want to be cured. What REALLY bugs me is how I feel this anxiety with my own family and with my partner's family. Both familys are great and so there's no rational reason to go into this state. It REALLY gets in the way.

After that session I reflect pretty deeply about historical stuff - family life in particular. A large character, highly actualised, highly intelligent, highly sociable. A dominant character without being domineering. My father.

It didn't take long to focus in on the dad issue.

Really emotional delving deeply. Really strong 'feelings' - I'd almost forgotten what feelings are.

I talk all the historical stuff through with the psych. He dutifully listens - but doesn't seem too bent on delving ever deeper into the past. He rightly says that we can conjecture about causes but we might never really know. This slightly knocks me as I guess I thought going to a pscyh would be endlessly about delving into childhood stuff. But apparently not.

At the next one, he will ask what's been happening. My main thoughts now are about what will happen next with therapy. How does it work? How does me talking magically change stuff. Does he have a plan? I hope so - he seems like a very wise chap.

I want to exlore further - how in social situations I'm always looking for what the parameters are of how to engage. Obsessed with the rules. I'm thinking this is something to do with being scared of, or not knowing what is, the real me. I've kept it hidden because I don't think it's good enough.

But I've kept it so well hidden that it's hard to get back out. It's not been allowed to grow. It's stunted. How do you 'find yourself' when your 41?

...and so that's the background. Back to the present....

So I'm getting lost in wilderness of parameter searching. But the antidote to this isn't just to ignore any kind of social parameters as that surely is wrong. I wouldn't, and surely shouldn't, have the same type of care free, deviantly-minded convo with my partner's great aunt, as I would with a best mate. Or with all colleagues at my new work.... Or at a funeral.

All these norms and boundaries are important. But I think there's a difference between choosing to observe A paramater, and being dictated to by them. Or of just mirroring other people.

There's something there but I'm tired. And making less and less sense.

How do I find myself when I'm 41? Brilliant stuff. You do it the same way as if you are 11 or 91. By stopping conforming to what you think others want of you Louis. Acceptance of oneself is paramount to living without addiction be that good bad or ugly. I loved your last couple of posts. True recovery is to push past what is comfortable today for the betterment of tomorrow. Kudos to you. It's impressive

I’m all in as always too...Thanks for opening up!

I was still gambling, heavily @ 41 & 5 years on I wouldn’t go as far as saying I’ve found myself but I’m certainly more aware these not to mention grateful & accepting.

Kudos to you for embarking on this voyage...I hope you continue to share the wonders & wish you well on your travels - ODAAT

Thanks both - means a lot to hear your support.

good session today - slightly exhilerating. Until now the counsellor had almost solely listened - as I shot off in a million directions, blurting out anything and everything that has been on my mind for the past 6 years.

But today we really narrowed in on a few issues and he came out with some interesting stuff.

More talk about my sense of getting lost in social settings in a wilderness of social norms and boundaries. I talk about how if I'm on the fringes of a convo I feel isolated and anxious. If i'm the centre of attention - then no problem.

A common scenario where a certain group of friends, who work in IT, talk techy and how this really frustrates and bores me. And how I should be able to deal with this better. He picks me up on another 'should' - and, lo and behold! My demanding of myself to 'be better' in this situation is just setting myself against yet another parameter, another should. Maybe there's nothing wrong in finding this kind of situation boring and frustrating- I like the sound of that.

Wider discussion about the need to be accepting of anxious feelings rather than seek to make these feelings and sensations 'go away'- this makes sense as you can't CONTROL how you feel. And this is something I totally agree with through my ACT practice. Trying to rationalise (think) your way around feelings is fitting a square peg into a round hole.

I talk about how I find it hard to 'be myself' with others. But I explain I don't have this problem with my partner - I'd mentoned this before but this time he seemed to get it. And it felt important that he understood that - one of the reasons I am not more concerned about my issue is that it doesn't appear to have a great bearing on my relationship with my partner or children. And that's certainly a good thing. Just everyone else in the whole wide world. But it's certainly a source of comfort that if there's SOMEONE I can be myself with, then at least it shows it can be done.

We were then able to usefully contrast my behaviour with my partner Vs others. Maybe it's not so much that I can 'be myself' with her - but that I don't need to be anything with her. Any self with her.

My fears about 'who am I' - if I'm not following what I think are the rules and expectations of others. How I've hidden the real me for so long I might've got lost. He raises the point that this is a reflection of how I hide form myself. This old chestnut again - a variant of 'my struggle with others is a reflection of a struggle with myself'. This intuitively makes sense - but then when I try and clarify in my mind what this means, I struggle to compute.

What does hiding from myself mean? I get glimpses but now can't quite get to grips with this. I'm lacking the processing power just now for this abstract reasoning. But this feels really important.

It ties in with why I enjoy the 'loosening effect' of alcohol, or particularly in years gone by, the heightened feelings of love, serenity and companionship, achieved through MDMA. The liberation of intoxication is appealing as it offers an outlet to be unshackled. And the fact it is premised on chemical stimulation doesn't make these experiences invalid - it just comes at a price and I want to be getting at least some of this experience in 'normal' life.

This is quite different from the pull of gambling - which I see as pure escapism. For me drinking/drugs is about 'letting myself go' around others and myself. I can find myself funny - I am funny. Yet gambling doesn't offer any of this and is why it's such an ultimate dead end.

Gets philosophical. He explains about how there are two ways of looking at things. The Westernised way - where everyone's a distinct individual and has a 'self' which is unchanging, regardless of who we're with. And another way (cant remember what he called this) where there's no real self but you just a have a series of relationshis with individuals. I REALLY like this. As I think I've been too concerned with having an unwavering self, or this distinct personality.

I think this is perhaps because I look at people who I find appealing - and think their appeal lies with their conveying an unchanging, unflinching sense of themselves. But in actual fact what I find appealing is people who are 'actualised' - people whose personalities are spontaneous and unrestrained - and being different things to different people, without really following any rule book.

And who's watching, that says I have to be this unique and clearly definited self? Who's the all-seeing? who hands out the brownie points at the end of the day? Perhaps the all-seeing is dad? But we seem to be done for now with the conjecture of examining root causes.

I definitely want to look into this idea that who we are just amounts to a series of relationships with different people. This seems to fit really well with some of the meditation practice I've been into - which focuses on the self as an ego and the self as something which disolves on examination.

WOW...How easy to see problems when someone else holds up a mirror by articulating them! Thank-you so much for this Louis...I am rarely comfortable around other people including people I deem to be friends & my family & yet I too am perfectly happy in my partner’s company!? It got me thinking about why this could be & it looks like I have a similar subconscious expectation of myself.

When I think hard:

I can recognise that when I used to climb on my soapbox @ work & drop the f bomb like it was confetti I coped fine...Now I’m more aware I struggle, even with stuff I can do from muscle memory?! I often feel on edge @ the thought of pressing send on an email or ending a phonecall (not that I’ve ever been good on the phone) & I’m constantly judging myself because I don’t have the confidence (nay bravado) I used to have.

I can also recognise that I do get nervous in the rooms but less so when I have stuff I really need to get out. When I have something troubling me, I don’t stop to wonder who is there, what they will make of it, whether it makes me look weak I just get it out...I don’t care if people judge me, I need to expunge it. If I have nothing worrying me, then I want to come over as having something useful to share, maybe be a little light hearted & hoping against hope that people understand recovery is worth it!

This should probably be on my diary (so if someone could re-post it for me that would be lovely thanks) but I just wanted to acknowledge that you are not alone & thank you for turning this recovery light on for me.

Hi Thankyou for sharing that. 'The struggle with others is really the struggle with ourselves ' food for thought, so true. Also control of our feelings is a common problem. It's important how we feel. We are important!

Yo, could so relate to your post . Made me think of a comment made to many years ago at a counciling session , have focused so much of my energy on how others perviced me , feeling that I always fell short . I was told that I have no control over other thoughts , they will feel think what they will think, good bad or ugly . That instead of focusing on what they thought which I always concluded was negative and beat myself up when I actually did not know what they thought . Totally bonkers , almost looking for way to mentally self harm . I was reminded about that when reading your post and reinforced how unhealthy that behaviour was, so many times I could be my own worst enemy . thank you for that ........Shiny:-)

Thanks guys.

Spent much of the weekend with the kids, in a sense of knackered entrapment. A sense of needing to escape from the never-ending demands of a baby and a toddler. In fact those demands do end, when I return to work on a Monday morning. That's my escape. My partner literally has none.

Everything just seemed like a chore - ranging from minor to major. Literally clock watching until the kids went to bed. Mulled over something I heard once, I think it's called survival bias, and I'm probably not getting this quite right, but it's an idea that humans have evolved a trait to survive and kind of think that life's good, even in the face of evidence to the contrary, as you have to think life's good in order to fulfill your role - to procreate and pass on your genes. Anyway, no doubt my counsellor would be seen furiously taking notes if I said this to him - 'depressive thought', encircled.

But then something good happened. I spoke about this with my partner. She talked about getting more of my friends round during the weekend to break up the day.

In terms of my social life with friends, it's always involved the pub. And it's never really graduated beyond that properly. We talked about why I don't have friends round so often during the day time. The truth is that this goes down to the root issue. It's much easier to go to the pub where there's the 'looseners' - I can spend endless hours in that situation. I kind of fudged it by saying that I haven't really adapted to the non-pub life.

But it's weird how some simple company with friends, without the distraction of sport, without alcohol, can become a source of anxiety. More so when my partner is there, as I 'manage' a three way situation. Even though my partner is totally relaxed and doesn't need my 'management' (and the management is really an internal thing). I think it's to do with an increased sense of a loss of control if there are more people about.

Anyway, it was good to actually talk stuff through with my partner. Made all the difference.

Thinking about stuff to raise tomorrow with counsellor. I went to partner's parents weekend before last. This has traditionally been a major struggle. And although it gradually gets easier, it's still there. And, no, counselling and wisdom hasn't magically transformed the day-to-day issues. I remembered that when I'm with them, I always feel like I have to say something. I know this is a common concern, but it really does weigh me down nonetheless. Actually, as I write I realise this might not be a common concern. One of the reasons for realising I have issues is seeing my healthy partner - I used to genuinely think that everyone had the same feelings and struggles like I do. It was really a surprise to know many, or most, are not like this. I guess there's solace in thinking we all have the same hangups.

It's all part of the same thing of parameters and revealing myself. Looking forward to exploring further tomorrow.....

I remember being king of the hill at primary school. I know there's a risk of false memory, but I do feel pretty certain about this. Perhaps it's more common to be care free at primary school, pre-adolescence. But I remember being extremely popular and lacking any sense of self-consciousness.

Then going to secondary school suddenly changed everything. Suddenly there was a rule book. And it was completely alien to me. It seemed you needed to excel at as many of the following as possible: being 'hard', wearing designer/expensive clothes, being sexually active, and perhaps the one continuoum from before, being good at sport.

Suddenly the world seemed a scary place as I struggled to adapt. Struggling to be accepted by those who had mastered the rules.

I barely raised this as I thought that this must be fairly standard. But what is more interesting is how I dealt with this. I dealt with this all alone. I told no one that my first 4 years at school were a complete misery. I learned to cope by doing things my own way.

I can't say for sure that this trait was learned there and then. Maybe, probably, it predated this. But looking back I can see that I developed a coping mechanism which I was to carry on into adult life. A sense of there being a set of rules which I struggled to work around. Rules which were not MYrules and were alien to who I am. Which is why I could never properly work to them. Which is why it was, and is, such a struggle.

So as I write, I feel enlightenment that this is more of an issue about my own values, who I want to be, as much as anything else. How the pain can come from a mismatch between the rules (values) I try to follow, but never quite attain. Because they are not my own.

I talked about how I've found it difficult to reach out for help when I'm actually low. I said that, even now, I was getting counselling some 6 years after I stopped gambling. So it was almost like I was seeking help at a point when I was less exposed, less raw.

When I made this point, for some reason I reiterated the fact that when I stopped gambling, I just stopped without any further urges whatsoever and that I'm lucky in that regard as a lot of people struggle. My counsellor then picked me up on this. He said that, although I was putting this down to luck, it wasn't luck. And that I'd been doing a lot of processing and work around this prior to stopping and had put myself in this position. For some reason, this made me extremely emotional. To the point I was holding back tears. I still don't totally know why, but I think it's something to do with this being pointed out to me, and this highlighting how I have not crediting myself. How I haven't given myself a break.

I told my parents by phone, a few days ago, that I was having a really difficult time due to work. My mum looked to console but my dad swiftly moved things on with some practical stuff.

"There is a mismatch between how I perceive myself and how I feel others perceive me."

"It's about what's known and unknown"

...he has said. At the moment these words feel like a riddle. Onwards..