Killing the Zombie

Hi Cardhue,

very interesting and analytical post. As painful as this can be sometimes, it is also incredibly valuable, as your counsellor said - it helped you immensely in your recovery.

I think you dad might have been talking about Johari window: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johari_window

Wishing you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

thanks Eva - that sounds like the one.

I wanted to talk about my work struggles, but these seem like normal life woes, rather than my issue. But I came out with it all nonetheless. How I'm struggling to bring in new business in the department I've set up. How the new firm doesn't really have any values - it doesn't stand for anything, beyond being bigger. Making money.

My work is ridiculously hierarchical and status based. He makes a wider point about status and how I react to people with perceived status. When I see this status, I reflect back on my lack of status. This can be status in respect of any quality. With me it's not status in the sense of money or professional standing. But a status I accord people through qualities like someone who's uninhibited and breaks the mold of convention. I reflect back on myself and FEEL inadequate. Followed by a loss of identity and who I am.

He said it's about a 'compound approach', or something like that. And here we were talking about relationships.....It's not about sudden eureka moments. It's about what might seem like a subtle change, slightly different ways of doing things, a slightly different interaction with someone. Based on seeing things from a different perspective. This brings about a different reaction from the other person - a positive reinforcement. And you build it up this way.

I'd just had this experience the day before and was keen to disclose. I don't have proper friends at my new work yet. But there's an older guy I go for lunch with sometimes. This time I was like, f**k it - I'm going to tell him about how worried I am about work, how I could get sacked, how I'm about to buy a first time house. How I've got a 2 year old and 4 month old baby. He reacted well. It seemed pretty normal. He tried to reassure. He seemed particuarly friendly after that.

He talked about the importance of taking risks in social situations. Of being more open. Having felt under quite some work pressure it certainly helps to be sharing it with people.

I talked about how I've always felt like I've been a deep thinker. But at some point I decided that was bad - that thinking deeply was introverted and somehow indicative of an unlived life. Another of those rules which seem unhelpful. I now see that I can think deeply, and be expressive, have fun, be spontaneous. He had an interesting take - that I was previously inclined to look deep into myself, but was scared by what I saw and so backed off.

My parents visited recently. I was generally less anxious. A lot less spin-off suffering. Which is progress.

But still a feeling of constraint. I had a rare moment to sit with my dad. Thinking now, there are a million things I could say or ask. But at the time I had nothing to say. A strange paradox.

My counsellor seemed to gingerly raise an issue around approval from my father. Hell yes! No need to pussyfoot around that mate. It's really obvious to me how much I seek approval. Still. After all these years.

We talked about the tensions between different emotions I feel towards my dad. Love, liking and a bit of resentment. How it's ok to have negative feelings - it doesn't undo the positive ones. I kind of wished I'd gone through a majorly rebellious stage in my adolescence. Got that out of my system and then reset - reset more on my terms and then we all readjust and carry on. Instead, I withdrew, I hid. And withdrawing really is one of the most worst things to do.

I resent my father for not showing more of his suffering or struggles. He must have had his fair share of both - he is a human after all. He would be more relatable. I would feel less alienated when I would have my own struggles.

But then again I know it's not really fair to expect perfection from him. Particularly as he's from a less open era. And he's allowed some weakness in his character. The reason why this defect would affect me so much is because I love and admire him so much.

But this might be why I strive to be right all the time. Perhaps why, at some point, or perhaps from the earliest days, I couldn't tolerate not being right. The cost of perfection.

I mentioned that I was determined to be open with Keir (although I haven't cried in front of him yet- as my partner pointed out recently!). This seemed to kind of excite my counsellor - he talked about how character traits tend to pass down through the generations - but that I was doing something to turn it on its head. Yes I suppose that is a positive. It's so interesting how having your own kids brings my own relationship with my parents into a different light.

Some of these moments of realisastion and clarity were emotional. And are again now.

I asked him again, whether new-found knowledge actually CHANGES anything. To put it crudely, am I going to stop feeling really self-conscious when I'm with my partner's parents? Or do I just have additional knowledge. And he insists it does chage things. And I thought - when you have a understanding which is backed up by a surge of strong emotion, then it seems different. It feels like maybe new avenues open with the emotion.

The person I admire most has seemed infallible, always right, unequivicol and pain free. When I ran into my own problems I felt like a failure, by contrast. It's not about blaming someone but making sense of who and how I am.

Nice piece by a John grace in the guardian today

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/mar/25/how-i-overcame-my-heroin-addiction-and-started-to-live

I talked about my weekend. The strange contrast....we had two sets of friends visiting with their family, one friend had a new partner in tow. For the first part, we went to a wildlife park - I had a great time. I'd been a few times and so was playing leader a bit, and happily interacting with the various folk.

We then all came back to our house - we were hosting. I was busying getting food ready. But then when it finally came time to just relax and chilll, in the sitting room, a familiar fear crept up on me. Soon I was thinking about what I was going to say, feeling distant yet trying to get involved. Checking for for a laugh, for approval. Things were taking a turn for the worse.

But things were also turning out as I'd (semi-consciously) predicted. For a long time I've had a fear of simply sitting around in a sitting room in a group, chatting, devoid of distraction and something to divert attention.

So there was a real contrast between the two parts of the day, and my experience. The first part I enjoyed, I actually looked forward to engaging with people. The second part I was pre-occupied with my peformance.

We talked about my mindset going into each scenario- suprise surprise! the end result in both cases very much bore out my expectations. We talked about how my confidence and expectations going into each part correlated with the outcome. A suggestion that the former caused the latter. Although on reflection I've thought of another theory - perhaps I'm just a very good judge, through experience. Who knows - it seems that both could be right.

Talked about they cycle, or was it circle, of anxiety. I go in with an inner belief that I'm not good enough. This manifests itself with constantly checking for clues. For reassurance. This can be backed up with physical sensations - I don't get too much of this although surely can get a bit hot. This is 'fight of flight' kicking in. Suddenly I'm obsessed with my own internal machinations rather than my interactions with other people. In a world of my own, I lose my skills around empathy, creativity, engagement. This in turn means I get a less positive response from others. This in turn makes me more alarmed, more on edge, more obsessed with clues etc etc. All the time the low self-belief hardens.

This is also a classic driver behind avoidance (addiction). It's all the same - except you add in the toxic behaviour of just not showing up. And the less you show up, the harder it all seems, the higher the walls seem.

Good god, it's tiring just thinking about it. But that really does seem to describe what's happening.

But the converse is true. The more you can break the cycle, the more I can make a breakthrough and have more positive experiences, in areas I've previously struggled, then the more confident I get. It seems you can positive up-cycle as much as a down-cycle.

So the question - what to do when a lack of self-belief arises. How to interrupt the cycle?

The answer he gave seems to be exposure and mindfulness. If he'd said that early on I would've been disappointed. Not because I disagree, but because this wouldn't be telling me anything new. But I think maybe this, on top of new-found insight, seems sensible enough.

He suggeted my anxiety could be to do with me having a reduced window of tolerance, when my self-belief is low. Maybe I struggle to deal with a lack of certainty. I didn't totally get this, just a glimpse of what he means, but then it fades.

But then today I spoke to my foks on the phone. They asked about my work. I said it's still really quiet - I had this strange compulsion to say something along the lines of 'but I'm sure it'll be alright' and give some positive spin. I do that quite a lot. I know in a sense it's good to be upbeat. But the issue here was more about how I relate to people and how I can communicate on stuff which is difficult or ambigous. Maybe this is to do with my 'window of tolerance'.

Anyway, I managed to catch myself from putting a false gloss on my job and said 'yeah it remains a pretty constant source of stress and worry, but nothing particularly terrible has happened recently'. Which felt better.

An experience at work yesterday. We'd been promised pizza and drinks, in the office, as a reward for the year's end.

I'd been thinking about this a bit - and when the time came, I wolfed down a load of pizza. A little bit of chat...not sure what's going on...what is this social thing....and so slinked off back to my seat to do 'work' (I'd had nothing to do all day).

So I stayed at my seat, clock watching until I could leave the office. Whilst others were sociable.

Two things I have through counselling were at the fore. First up, this was an example of not being able to handle an ambigous situation - what was this social thing which I'd not seen before. What should I do? Secondly, this seemed to be another case of... - worry about something and then, hey ho, it doesn't turn out so well.

By contrast, I went to a kids party with adults I didn't know so well. Before going I 'decided' it was going to be fine. I thought about how I wasn't necessarily bad at these things - sometimes I am good. And that I'm capable of being good. And lo and behold it was a breeze. I had some really good chats with strangers.

So, it seems ridiculously simple, and obvious, but is this is all about the attitude I take into a situation?

I'm a firm non-believer in positive thinking. And I think, if before I'd tried to 'go in with a positive attitude' then it would've been a frustrating experience. You can't necessarily just spin yourself a positive message - after all, if it was that easy then no one would have any problems. But the thing is you have to believe it. Belief is quite different from a transitory thought.

Somehow, breaking stuff down through a counsellor - the understanding of what probably caused me to internalise stuff so much - idolising my dad who appeared not to have emotional difficulties, and trying to sort stuff out my way as a coping mechanism.

Then looking at contrasting ways I react in different situations. There are these difficult situations, but then my ease at home life. There is one half of the day which is great followed by the second half which is difficult. There's the realisation that it's what I'm taking into it that counts.

Somehow breaking this down seems to bring clarity and, whisper it, some deeper changes.

To me, going into something positively before it turning into a negative is far worse than going into something negatively with a good chance of it being turned into something positive.

Hope that makes sense!

NT

NT wrote:

To me, going into something positively before it turning into a negative is far worse than going into something negatively with a good chance of it being turned into something positive.

Hope that makes sense!

NT

Think I understand. But that's not really my point. Which is that your mindset and approach actually affects the outcome. And in fact your point seems to prioritise security and safety at the expense of realising one's potential.

Anyway, I'm still experiencing lots of eye opening stuff - and that's a good metaphor as the stuff I'm learning isn't revolutionary but kind of obvious - I've opened my eyes and it's there.

It really all is about relationships. And not about how we perform in front of others - but what is created together. And that applies even in the more trival and less important interactions. I mean even if a most brilliant individual displays their brilliance to you - it doesn't bring you real satisfaction unless it's a two-way street. That just seems like an important difference to how I evaluate stuff. Doesn't necessarily mean it's easy - but it's a change of focus in how I relate to people.

I talked about my contrast in fortunes betwen two social occasions last week, as described in my previous post. The counsellor seemed pretty interested in this. It seems that, in many social interactions, I will feel like the responsibility is all mine. This can turn into a burden. I feel the need to impress, to strain - qualities which are really not conducive to a good relationship. Certainly not goo for finding one's authentic-self.

The responsibility is with both people. That's an important point.

The awkwardness of being in a busy social setting, and being on your own, whilst others chat around you. This is a common cause of awkwardness amongst many, if not most. But with me it's 'intolerable'. At least this was how I felt the other day and it caused me to leave the social environment. I couldn't bear this.

Another more leftfield approach - why does any of this matter? Why does it matter if people see me standing on my own in a busy social crowd?

Compound theory. Can there be profound shift? Probably not, Build up ..show myself I can do it.

There is a major difference from what I see inside to what I see outside. In fact, there is no difference. But ways of being in the past feed into this unhelpful chasm.

Noticing helpful, analysing less so.  Need to trust my instincts more.  What I perceive as a risk, it’s really a fantasy.

It’s so easy to castigate the past and say we were bad people. But I look back to a period of peak addiction. Yes social anxiety caused me to be a bit of a obnoxious so-and-so as I hid from my Demons.

However a lot of good relationships came from this period as well. Most of my best friends now, friendships were forged then. There was a cheekiness which might of got lost somewhere. Chucked out with the bathwater.

#Finding strength and qualities from unusual sources

 Interesting session today. As ever.

I talked about the paradox between the best me being spontaneous, and the fact I can't 'make yourself' spontaneous. As soon I coach myself to be spontaneous, I've kind of lost the battle - as I'm immediately striving to be something. Rather than going with the flow.

Off for a long weekend with the folks this weekend. I talked about how I feel that my constraints seem to be linked with my relationship with dad. I want to have a heart to heart with him this weekend.

The counsellor had the idea of us going for a pint after the kids are in bed. Nice idea. Get away from the all too familiar surrounds and constraints of the family home.

This induces some fear in me. I'm used to being led by my dad - not through being domineering but through being a fairly big, out there character, which takes up space.  And me having got in a comfort zone of kind of being a receiver.

But aside from this, I'm thinking  - what do we actually talk about when I get him in the pub situ? It's like, I want him to tap into how I've been feeling, what I've gone through. I want him to understand everything. But it's not like there's some window into your soul you can just open and let him enter into.

I want to talk about how I felt like I opened a door when I told him about my addiction - a door which he seems to have chosen not to have walked through. But this is really not that big-a-deal - more of an example.

Maybe he thought there was no need to talk further - he 'accepted' what had happened. If this is right, then I guess it's good that he accepted things in some kind of a way, but I wanted more.  I saw it as an opportunity to explore new areas. To be more open.

I tend to think he's just not up for the open chat. But then maybe I've not given him enough encouragement. Not shown enough leg.  From my point of view 'everything's changed' - I want openness and connection. But for him I'm just the same guy - the same son.

I suppose what I want to know is whether he has struggles. How he copes with stuff. What's really going on. I want him to know more about what's been going on with me. Beyond the headlines.

That all seems fair enough. But it's scary because it's outside of both of our comfort zones. I don't think I'm alone in finding that, with my family, there are all too familiar roles that we fit into. Taking this step would be really breaking those moulds.

It feels quite like how I felt before I told both my parents for the first time, 2 or 3 years ago, about my gambling addiction. Not quite the same degree of apprehension/excitement, but also this time not quite the same degree of purpose. Before there was a pretty clear job to do - to confess. Now it feels there's more to say but with less clear paramaters.

Hopefully I can make it happen.

So, got to folks house on Thursday. Asked dad for a pint that eve. I felt I had to ask early on or I might bottle it.

after half an hour of chit chat- finally bit the bullet and dived in. Asked why  gambling was never mentioned. Would he rather I’d never mentioned it - he wouldn’t answer directly but the implication was that I should’ve kept shtum.

Talked about me getting counselling. Talked about social anxiety. Got out all the big stuff.

it was good to be talking. Yet there was a burning emotion of disappointment, disappointment that he doesn’t really get it. He doesn’t understand. He thought I was ‘just addicted’ but had ‘just got over it’. Like addiction happens in a vacuum.

next day was really angry and emotional that he couldn’t understand. But after a while thought more practically- that I’ve got to get through another 3 days with family and I can’t carry on like this.

so now, here I am. The eve before we set off. This will be a long-term project. But I feel it’s key.

i want to say - you can sweep this under the carpet but it won’t go away. I’ll just resent you.

but that’s a bit of a threat- threats can’t be the way forward. And maybe I’m done for now.

How weird that this new site has absolutely killed user engagement.

I get that it's a bit annoying - but it's not THAT bad?! Fairly typical of us addicts to go in a mard...that said, if people continue to vote with their feet then Gamcare will have little choice but to revert to the old site - or cease to exist.

Back at my home now - with a final twist to the weekend this morning, as we set off from my parents' home. Following yet another awful night's sleep, caused in part by my ruminating over events, I woke up in a bad mood and in no mood to be civil.

As we were packing the car I finally told my dad that he couldn't ignore this. He couldn't sweep this under the carpet as to do so is just going to cause resentment. My voice was faltering, I was visibly upset. And this finally seemed to hit home.

Tbc

Pretty f&*ked off with my dad. His way of dealing with our difficulties is to 'leave it' until we see each other in 6 weeks time. So basically bury it, kick it into the long grass. Like normal. Burying it, setting timelines. Feels like an attempt at control as much as an attempt to not deal with something.

He's now claiming to have 'no idea' what I'm talking about. Which can't be true.

Surely not talking about stuff is never good.

Perhaps He genuinely doesn't how to respond or  what it is that you really want from him ? 

I believe the older generation particularly the males can find it very difficult to express their feeling's?, Im 58 and come from a time where it was sometimes " Better not said " and any form of therapy was for " Loonies " pardon the expression but I'm with you on the " It's better to talk front " :)) .

It's tough and frustrating at times Louis but stick with and keep pushing and maybe in time ? 

All the best Buddy :)) 

Thanks Alan. There undoubtedly a lot of truth in what you say - particularly about him not knowing what I want.

But on the other hand - if that's really the issue, then the answer is to find out. Which I suppose he is offering - buf only in 6 weeks time.

Yet given I was clearly upset about this only 3 days ago (and I dont think I've ever cried before in my adult life in front of him before then), and talked about the need to talk more about this, I would think that might impress on him that whatever is going on with me - it's important.

It's tricky now. As if I do nothing and agree to his terms, do we just avoid the subject when we talk between now and then. That just seems really pathetic.

It's not even like he's a bad guy. He's really good guy - who just is a bit stiff upper lip when it comes to emotions. That's the way he's brought up. It's not crime of the century. It's not even like there's any skeletons in the closet which could come out. At least not from my side.

He's probably sensing anger and is wary - thinks it might die down if he kicks it down the line.  I do wonder if I have some repressed anger from my 40 odd years which is finally coming out. My anger/sadness is focussed around his non-reaction to my addiction and associated revelations. But maybe that's just something more tangible to hang my frustration on.

So weird but I think this is the first time I've ever thought properly negatively towards him.

That's probably good thing - as somone who's probably spent a long time aspiring for his approval.