Killing the Zombie

Not particularly in a posting mood. Tired and a bit down. Not sure why. Maybe it's because its Friday and I'm in for a night of studying after a days work. Got exams in May and now have to cram a years study I should've done into the next 5 weeks.

Anyway want to post as I completed 3 pay day to pay day's today. That was always going to be a big mile stone for me. Think its 91 days now too so not far off 100 days. Since stopping i've brought down my debt from 6k to 4.5. Just done by diverting money from gambling to my overdraft.

Have a good night everyone

Hey Cardhue,

Be proud of yourself! Much congrats on your outstanding achievement. Stay strong.

Chicagoguy

Moodyness. How do you lift yourself out of a mood or a spell of bleak(er) outlook on life?

When times were good I would just live and forget that the good times aren't permanent. When I felt low I would see the good times as a different person untouchable by me.

Now when the good times flow I can appreciate that its not permanent and try to think about what I can take into the bad times - 'this good time is transitory, the bad times are transitory and will pass' or I try to encapsulate why things are good, frame it, and then reach back to it when things are bad.

Still doesn't really work. I can say it will pass but I can't touch the good times I've tried to frame. Not sure if this is something you can train yourself out of, obviously I'd like to think it is. Or is it just dopamine levels running low and things need to run their course? Even now, I think the only reason I'm able to reflect like this is because possibly the mist is lifting and these are the first steps towards light. I know I wouldn't feel like writing this when I'm in the midst of the mist...

Hey Card,

Your reaping the benefits of sobriety, your mind does start thinking more clearly, and you look at that glass as half full not half empty anymore. Much congrats to your outstanding perseverance!

chicagoguy

Today I’ve been trying to exercise self control of the mind, boy has it been hard.

I think I’ve mentioned before some problems I’ve been having with my flat mate/ also actual mate from pre flat sharing days.

We had an option to take an extra month on our joint tenancy but he’s got an offer of a freeby crash for a month so is jumping ship and f*****G me over as I now have to move right in the middle of my exams. We’re both doing the same part time course which is pretty much entirely dependent on these exams, whilst working full time, so it’s not like he doesn’t realise this would put me out. This is the guy who hasn’t lifted a finger in the house all year - has literally never cleaned the house once, all bills come from my account (for some reason-reason being he doesn’t do anything like that) and I’m constantly chasing him for money he owes.

Tried to clear the air with him and explain to him about why I was P***** off, ie that I was hurt etc but he immediately goes on the offensive saying I’m being selfish, for ‘thinking’ he should stay another month. On the rare occasion I’ve previously tried talking to him about cleaning etc he always does this ‘on the offensive’ thing. I don’t know if he realises he contributes f*** all or if he tells himself he’s in the right all the time. Suspect the latter. There’s a third flat mate who agrees he does B*****r all so it’s not me imagining things.

I realise this is all very childish and tedious, apols, but I’m getting to my laboured point - when I feel wronged by someone, particularly a friend, I take it really badly. I literally can’t stop thinking about what a tw&t that person’s been. My GF says I over analyse but that’s giving me too much credit. I’m just recycling the same negative thoughts over and over- reaching new depths of disdain for the person. What’s particularly annoying is that this friend is, for various reasons, on this massive high at the moment and I think he doesn’t really give a s**t about things. Meanwhile I’m stewing.

I know that being incessantly introverted and negative about someone like this is bad for me. So today I tried to force myself not to think about this person. It involved me having to tell myself repeatedly to shut up - taking on this split personality of telling myself to shut up as I’m boring myself.

I mean it’s really not that big a deal in the grand scheme.

I know I need to let go, I just need to actually do so! Advice welcome - as would be the donation of some thicker skin.

Anyway, no gambling, no f**s (albeit cheating with patches)

Hi cardhue

Can feel ur frustration in that post and been feeling similart myself recently , as hard as it is just try to control what u only can and dont stress bout what u can't sort out , I av good days and bad days on that front but I know too much stress is not good for me as it triggers the urges to gamble

Stay strong it will soon get sorted

Castle2

Feeling a lot better about things. My troublesome flat mate has moved out. Barely managed a good bye - bit mental as we've lived together for a year and have been mates for 5.

Anyway, instantly the bad vibe's removed and flat is nice to be in, and clean. After I cleaned up all his dishes - an apt parting shot.

Got quite P***** last night and was a bit of an insecure d**k to my GF. Sorted stuff out though - she's amazing, I can actually fully reveal my insecurities and it's OK. Never been in that situation before.

99 days, the big 100 tomorrow.

Hi Cardhue

If you say your last gambling day was 18th Jan - same as me, i think you will find it is your 100th day today. Double check but unless my calculatuis are wrong,, you are definitely on 100 days yourself and a very well done to you also.

Take care.

Feb.

Hey Cardhue,

Great job on the 100 day mark, Were close in recovery time, glad to hear your doing better. I just recently moved into my own place myself, and love it, no tension anymore and tranquility. Keep up the good work my friend your doing super.

Chicagoguy

Well, one way or another I can definitely celebrate my 100th day now.

Thanks for people's support. Starting a diary was without doubt the big turning point for me. Reading other people's diaries and their comments on mine has been given me much determination.

I'll set a next mini target of 11th August which is when I'm hopefully going on holiday.

Good night

It's been 15 weeks today since my last day of gambling. On that last day of gambling I'd taken out two pay day loans as my overdraft was maxed out at £4,500 and I needed money to get me through another 3 days until I got paid.

Haven't had any urges since I stopped. I guess that for now at least, I fall into the annoying category of people who can stop relatively easily. Thing is I gambled for 17 years without ever trying to stop-so I'm not feeling too smug or anything. Would've made a lot more sense to TRY and stop 15 years ago as I might've had some struggles but nailed it a lot sooner.

Going with some friends to Rome to watch a Six Nations game next Feb. Even though it's by Easyjet and cheap, it's the kind of thing which I would've automatically ruled out before. Even if I'd just been paid and had money I wouldn't consider it - I'd instantly rule myself out as it would be a definite non-essential.

I've got my final exams on my law conversion coming up at the end of the month so I really need to go on lock down. It's not difficult there's just s**t loads to memorise. It's a memory test more than anything else. Think I'm really writing this to procrastinate a little more. It's so boring and it looks like it's going to be a lovely day too!

Day 107 passes and I still have no urge to gamble. My girlfriend jokes when we walk past a bookies 'shouldn't I be going in there'. If I relapsed then her jovial attitude would change pretty sharpish. Managing to bring my overdraft down by over a grand so it's in the -£3000s. Natfuck are now offering me a £6k overdraft so guess my credit's improving. Can't wait to get rid of my OD so that I can go to a new bank.

No f**s for 3 weeks though cheating by using patches.

So all good on the addictions front. If only I wasn't studying for exams life would be great! I wouldn't mind so much if I was studying something interesting. It's just so b.o.r.i....

Cardhue,

Thanks for your post on my diary mate - much appreciated. Congratulations on 15-weeks gamble-free.

Couple of things I noted from your last post. The more time goes by following a 'lapse,' the more my Mrs feels comfortable making jokes about gambling / my addiction etc. In truth, I like this - and wouldn't want it to be forever some horrible akwardness we can never mention. But, each and every time in the past... I've slipped up again, which has swiftly wiped the smile off her face. This will not happen this time.

Amazing thing about the banks is the more reckless I get - and the more money I throw recklessly at gambling - the more they want me. They seem to lose interest when I'm abstaining, but I've lost count of the number of promotions I get asking me to increase credit limits/overdrafts etc. What a perverse world we live in.

Anyway, well done on your continued abstinence mate; you're doing a great thing. Keep off the tabs as well (I wouldn't call patches 'cheating' anyway). I definitely need to quit as well...

D123

Day 118. Off on leave now in full study mode for my exams.

Had a horrible nicotine patch induced dream last night (these patches give you incredibly vivid dreams for some reason). I found myself at one of these £500 machines. I'd put in £100 and was thinking, I know, if I spin then I'll be back to square one. I thought about this, thought about having to come back on here and admit defeat and start on day 1 again. In spite of all this I thought f*** it and went ahead and started doing spin after spin.

Quite strange as after I'd woken up, lying in bead, I still felt like I'd broken my abstinence by making a clear choice in my dream to gamble. Now I can ratonalise it and see it as just a dream where I might not have control over my actions.

Serves as a useful indication of how terrible I'd feel if I started again - not so much the loss of money but loss of pride.

Your last post was interesting since I had almost excatly that kind of dreams too. Not too often but maybe 3-4 times during these gamble free months. In those dreams I was aware too that if I make that first bet I go back to square one, but I still did it, and then gambled more and more. Always very weird waking up from those. One part huge relief it was just a dream but other part very uneasy and 'scared' feeling when I think if that might happen in real life too.

I think those kind of dreams are just one more proof how strong this addiction can be and how deep it goes. But like you said those are great reminders how it would feel to slip. So, at least for me, they just make determination not to gamble even stronger.

Good luck with exams and your battle with quitting smoking too!