Killing the Zombie

Hiya!

Haven't been on here for quite some time.

I'm delighted to say that I remain resolute and haven't gambled since back last February.

I haven't had any inclination to do so really. I'm not sure why that is - I kept my secret entirely to myself for 16/17 years (mental!) without ever hitting a rock bottom which manifested itself to others, at least. Clearly I wasn't as bad as some, but I was still blowing a quarter or a third of my salary, every month for that time (and I've never earned much). It could be that I refrained from properly addressing my problem for so long that by the time I did it was like popping a pin into some giant ballooon. The relief was so great, the focus it gave, the realisation of what I had done, that I couldn't possibly go back.

I did do it at a good time in the sense of things being otherwise in a good place. In particular meeting my current GF. Was I subconsciously waiting for the right situ?

Anyway, it's no surprise to report that life has improved dramatically since I stopped. I hated having my dirty little secret and all the sneaking around. That went, particularly after telling my GF - something I would never have imagined doing.

I've also been able to move to a job which is a massive pay cut but a dream job with long terms goodness.

Wishing people all the best on the journey.

It's been 9 months gamble free - I stopped I think on the 18th January this year.

I hope to continue on this path. The rewards are huge. I had around £65000 odd of debt when I stopped - £4500 overdrawn and a loan of £2000. I'm now about £500 overdrawn, at my lowest, and the loan is about £350. I've started a new job which long term has good prospects but an immediate £8k per year pay cut - this simply wouldn't have been possible before.

I have more time to do the load of study which I have to do.

I don't carry a secret any more with my girlfriend who I told all to. I don't carry shame when I'm with my parents - who just thought that 'modern life' is hard

I'm not having the weekly horror show - depositing more (whilst drinking and smoking) and more until I've lost £500 straight after pay day. Waking the next day in a panic. Readjusting my balance - realising I can live on £500 for the rest of the month. Losing another £300 then thinking £200 is OK. Losing another £100, then finally stopping until next pay day.

Never going on holiday. Not going on my good friend's stag do because I couldn't afford it. Tricking myself into thinking he's not such a good friend.

It's really sad that it took me such a long time to do something about my problem. Too be honest about it. To open up to people - in my case this forum and my girlfriend.

Wishing people all the best

Its been 11 months since I last gambled. I've been feeling a bit disturbed by gambling recently. As you get more distance you start to feel different from people on a more recent path.

But reading through people's diaries recently has made me more scared of a potential relapse. I gambled for about 16 years before I stopped. It's obviously in my blood.

Slipping would be awful. I've moved in with my GF having not gambled. I've lived with previous and managed to hide - so I'm probably capable of doing it again.

The diary is really useful for keeping my feet on the ground. Not forgetting my 'roots'.

Hey cardhue

Lovely to hear from you again and even more so, to hear you still remain gamble free!! Not sure if you remember but my last gamble free day before coming on here was also 18th Jan. Unfortunately I slipped in August after shall I say "A moment of madness" for a few hours. It's been tough but I am back onto week 17 again now (I decided to count in weeks after my slip) and know that everything is much better when I am not gambling.

Well done again and stay strong and committed - it's the best way, believe you me!!

Take care.

Feb.

A lot of people say they miss the excitement of gambling.

I question how true this can be - for a long term compulsive gambler at least. Or, maybe I should just stick to my own view on the excitement issue rather than question anyone else. Bespoke blah de blah.

For me, the strange thing about compulsive gambling is how it created this notion of excitement, in my addicted mind, but which never delivered at the time. I'd long for a quiet evening on my own, to get 'on it'. This was like some kind of holy grail - but would end up with me depositing more and more, as the hours ticked by, recalibrating my losses. Then I'd try to cry, but just feel pathetic. I

For the few years before I stopped, I was doing more online slots. But before that it was all about good old fashioned fruit machines. My career spanned the evolution from the £10-£70 jackpot. At least with them you had the shame of being an obvious addict to others. I remember my routine of 5 years of finishing work and getting the train back to Leeds train station. I'd then go on the station amusements, and, in the unusual event that I 'won' (a bit) or broke even, I'd then have to move on to pub fruit machines. There was a city centre circuit of mostly weatherspoons, Lloyds type of faceless pubs which I used to 'tour' ( scuttle into). These had the advantage of having a large number of machines and generally not having anyone I'd recognise in them. In the event that I didn't lose I'd re-do the circuit until I did. It really was only very, very occasionally that I would end the day 'up'. I would imagine about 1 in 20.

I had a number of relationships during my gambling years (18-35, years that is, 4 relationships). Although I think I gambled around £120k in that time (and always being on lowish wage), I used to be of the view that none of my relationships suffered because of my gambling - I'd always kept it my dirty secret and 'paid my way'.

In fact actual fact that's firstly just not true. The 'pay my way' thing was only true on a superficial level, not in a real way. But also there's the time, energy, focus thing, which simply must have been detrimental. Pervasive. To be honest I think that what my gambling did was to numb my general living and approach to life. But it never put out the flame of life's problems, instead it made me be dependent on relationships. As a way of life. I do feel guilty for wasted relationships with people that I should never have got involved with. So whilst I never stole from a relationship I did something very bad - wasted people's time.

Ironically, it is only now, that I've told my GF about my addiction, and not gambled for nearly a year, that she openly pays more than me. However, we talk about this and it's up front. I felt bad about it when she brought it up - she basically didn't want to be dragged down to my standard of living as she earns a lot more than what I do. So she pays a bit more, but it's up front at least. I'm earning less than I have for a long time as I'm starting at the bottom of a new career, but I hope it will be a swings and roundabouts thing.

I don't post often now as I don't feel I have anything of great interest to say. I read a lot and this seems to give me my fix - to remind me of my 'roots'!

Sitting on my own on a Friday night with a beer and cig in hand, girlfriend out for the night, laptop in my lap with a guaranteed 4 free hours. This would be ultimate, prime chance for a solid dose of escapism into the world of sh*tty slots.

In the face of cr** tele and nothing else to do, choosing to log on here and read peoples as ever thought provoking experiences instead.

15 days to go until the year anniversary and no intention of gambling again. I feel like I've made a clear connection between 'one gamble' equaling 'massive loss'. I just need to watch out for any conscious self destruction. As an aside - I really do need to apply myself to the cigs - starting on Monday! Is there an equivalent site for cigs?!

Happy to see you are doing so good and staying out of the gambling. Just 2 weeks until 1 year free is amazing!

I have never been regular smoker myself so can't relate to that problem like the gambling but I wish you well getting out of that habit too! And after year of no gambling sounds like good time to start getting rid of that too since you know already have beaten one addiction. Must be some good sites out there for that one too!

Well that's one year of abstinence complete. It seems like such a long time ago since I stopped.

Positives:

Debt at the time I stopped gambling=£6035, current debt £470.

I've been able to take a huge pay cut for the long term good of my career. This would've been impossible previously

I told my GF about my problem. I have no secrets from her

It looks like I'll avoid my parents ever having to find out about my shameful past. I think things were getting close to being exposed

I have more confidence in myself because I'm not acting irrationally against my own best interests.

Negatives: none

Here's to another year!

Cardhue

fella simply a huge well done from me.

statistically you today join the 3% club as only 3 out of 100 hundred make it to a years continued abstinence.

Be proud a huge achievement.

keep making the right choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Cardhue,

Awesome work pal - congratulations.

Enjoy this landmark, you deserve it.

All the best,

D123

Hey cardhue

SNAP!! Both you and me together!! (Well minus a few hours gambling for me) but I still share with you, the day we both reached rock bottom and decided to do something positive about it! I am hoping that we can both march on together to complete another year free from gambling.

Take care, enjoy and celebrate you amazing achievement.

Feb.

Thanks to those wishing me well on the anniversary. It means a lot.

My next abstinence target is July.

The other addiction I have is smoking- with a history going back even further than my gambling. My target for that is to get to 1 month.

I stopped smoking at New year but buckled 8 days ago when out with a friend. Ridiculous as said friend wasn't smoking - I just got this internal dialogue going on and on, and gave in quite lamely. Going to start counting days as I feel like I need to build up some daylight.

In fact when I read about people's problems giving up gambling I relate far more closely to that in terms of my smoking struggles than my gambling addiction. My gambling approach seems to have been 'live in denial and do nothing for 16 years and then admit on Gamcare and to g/f I have a problem thus causing a light bulb moment, and then stop without any bother'. My smoking however has been much more a case of a perpetual battle - perhaps reflecting the fact that one is a socially acceptable addiction, it being more acceptable to try to abstain and fail.

372 gamble free days

8 smoke free days

I continue to abstain from gambling which right now is not a struggle at all. No urges, occasional banter with my GF about my gambling but that's the only relevance in my life..apart from the large amount of time I spend on these forums.

Recently I've been reading a lot of diaries and I don't know whether I'm doing this to give myself positive reinforcement on the gambling front, or whether I've just developed a 'habit' of perusing online posts here - sort of like the mindless intrigue/escapism of watching soap operas. (with the Captain/Tomso set-to being the most exciting sub plot in years ; ) ) If it's the latter then it's no major concern, albeit possibly symptomatic of a lack of spark in me at the mo.

More than the non-gambing, I'm proud that I haven't smoked now for 15 days. I survived a Friday night after work at the pub, which is a big achievement. I'm desperate to get to the stage where I really don't care about smoking. I think that happens after about 6 months so some way to go. I know it can be done as I've done it before.

15 days smoke free

A year and 2 weeks gamble free

Major mile stone achieved

This time 13 months ago I spun my last reel, bet my last bet. My total debt was £6035 - I had 3 days to go until pay day and not a penny to my name. I'd just tried to increase my max overdraft above £4500 and been rejected. I'd been gambling persistently for 16 + years without as much as a month off. I'd been recording my estimated losses over the previous year and that month had 'just' lost £500, which was my average.

Fast forward to last Thursday, the day before pay day. It was the first time in 17 years that I was out of debt. The first time, the first day before pay day, that I was in credit. I'm 36 and it's basically the first time since childhood that I've been out of debt. Childhood seems like an intangibly distant past.

Ticket bought to go to Germany for a long weekend - whole weekend will cost about £400 and this type of 'non essential' thing would've been unthinkable before. I feel like I missed out on a lot of social events like this and it feels so good to be able to finally be taking part.

29 days smoke free too. This is where the day to day battle lies with me.

Hey Cardhue

Lovely to hear from you again. How lovely to read also that you are spending your money on other things you really enjoy. I can only imagine how quitting smoking can be hard (I personally have a pet hate for it)!! You are doing great though and it sounds like you have a great thing on your side - WILLPOWER!!

Take care and continue to march ahead doing all the things you wish to do and achieve.

Feb.