Killing the Zombie

My girlfriend is out tonight so I've had a rare chance to read through a lot of diaries but also get a chance to write my own post. I don't like the obvious secracy of being on this site on the sly. My girlfiend knows about my gambling but I don't want her reading through this. Some of you share with your OH's - respect to that as that's geniune honesty. But I like my diary to be personal.

Impressed by a lot of the new members who have joined in the last month or so. Impressed by the honesty and support they are bringing to the forum. No bullsh!tters just sincere and caring. I'm willing people on those who are showing great courage to face up to their deamons.

Reading a few diaries where people talking about being in a bad place having gambled for 20 years and wanting to get back to that period back in XXXX when they stopped for 2 years. This frightens me as I'll have hit the 2 year mark on 15th Jan and I kind of feel like I've cracked it. Well, I feel stupid writing that down but I do feel like I've gone through some fundamental change, yet why should I be any different to the other people who relapse. I could be living a positive blip in an otherwise unfulfilled, grey adult life (my adiction started when I was 19).

Saying that. relapsing itself isn't bad as long as you get back on it reasonably quickly. What terrifies me is the idea of going back into a zombified state over a long period. Knowing what I know now, I just think that would be unbearable. At least before I hadn't really admitted the full extent of my addiction , didn't know about this online community of like minded people with like minded problems.

It simply musn't be allowed back in. I've knocked back quite a few offers from friends for games of poker - something which I'm I used to play pre-addiction and not something which has given me that compulsion. But f**k it, if I'm serious then little things like this are a minimum requirement.

Haven't had a f*g since early May so delighted with how that's going. I remember wondering, whilst I was still smoking, whether I could ever truly be happy, ever be properly relaxed etc. Ha ha what a load of self-deceiving b****x you tell yourself as an addict.

Anyone out there recently stopped or stuggling, you can do it. This is an addiciton. Yes, it probalby does relate to underlying issues of some sort but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter why we get addicted we need to cut those strings and get some distance. The spell can be broken and normality then resumes.

*boring money post alert*

It's now been almost exactly 1 year and 11 months since I last gambled. I don't tend to focus on the money situation as it's boring and I know it can bring bad will. However, want to record my good news in how I've managed to turn around my debt situation.

For quite a while before I'd stopped gambling I had been trying to record a fairly precise figure for how much I'd gambled each month - as a serial gambler this is quite difficult to do. Incidentally, I also think this was a good precurser to me stopping as it meant I couldn't lie to myself about my losses - but I realise everyone is different and that the numbers game could put people off.

In the last month before I stopped gambling I had maxed out my overdraft at £4,500 and was repaying another loan which meant that my debt was at £6,100. Shortly after stopping I switched into a much lower paid job so I was earning £22,000. I realise this number is highly relative to lifestyle etc but for me this was a low wage, epecially as I was/am now living in London.

In spite of this, I have managed to completey clear my overdraft and loan, so that now, by the end of the month I am £1500 in credit. I've also been able to generally buy stuff more at will. Amazing turnaround.

Before I stopped I was spending about £500 a month on gambling and had done so for 17 years. So in a sense this turnaround shouldn't be surprising but its good to see such an obvious benefit....and money is only an element of the benefits which recovery brings,not the most important by any means.

Passed my 2 year anniversary last week. It's funny I don't think it's a great achievement as I was gambling for so long..more like about time. Still feel content.

That said it's great to know that this addiction can be arrsted. Don't miss gambling at all and life has improved in obvious money-ways but many more subtle ways affecting general personality -the ability to face life and try yo deal with problems...opens up a lot of new avenues

Not smoked for 8 months. I remember thinking I could never properly be happy without f**s. Load of b***x-just as with lies I/we use to tell us we can't stop gambling.

Anyone thinking bout stopping...do it now, no half measures. Set yourself free!!

Over 2 years without a bet but still had a very vivid dream about gambling and winning some mega jackpot.

I had been mulling over some of the times I was 'on it' which probably triggered this. I gambled from aged around 19/20 until 35 and I was gambling daily, initially on fruit machines and latterly on online slots. Unfortunately I was not a 'binge' gambler but a constant one. Therefore I wasn't blowing out the 1000s that some did but I would spend a max of 500 though more commonly 30-80, but almost every day.

I remember missing one of my best friend's stag do because I was too skint. I remember then blowing a couple of hundred over the days that the event was happening thus proving the money was there - being addicted meant there was often reserves which were locked away for more gambling.

I remember getting a cheap round-the-world ticket and thinking that this would be the end of my gambling. Ended up spening almost all of my time in Australia which is the absolute worst place for slots - every pub has a separate gambling room with what where to me 'state of the art' machines. This meant I got stuck in Sydney working two jobs, toiling to get money to get moving again but spending it on gambling.

In the early days, I remember my first real girlfriend, going up with her to stay with family, me driving her to the pub to play fruit machines. She thought it was weird but as I was in the process of becoming addicted it wasn't my dirty secret. She was the only one to know - apart from my current partner (I stopped gambling early on in our relationship so she never really was involved in the deception).

I remember coming home from work, getting into the train station and going immediately to the arcade in the station. In the unlikely event I came out 'up', I remember then doing a tour of Weatherspoon/Lloyds style pubs doing the FMs. In the very unlikely event I completed the 'tour' up, I would then do another tour. I remember the shame of walking into these pubs and scuttling, head down to the FMs. This routine in particular seemed to go on for a very, very long time - maybe 5 years.

I remember living in Hull with a live-in landlord and another girl. Pretty much from when I moved in the general state of the flat deteriorated over the period of a year. The landlord stopped maintaining the place and just hid in his room all the time being a weirdo. Turned out he had a major gambling problem - what a loser was the consensus. Meanwhile I'm upstairs spinning away.

Going to stop now. Truth is that if I was going to piece togehter all of the time I was 'on it' then you would probably have a continua period of maybe up to a year! Nuts.

Anyway, in a very good place now but don't want to forget where I've come from

Still no gambling and feel under control in that respect. Still think about it - yesterday had a typical thought of, 'but why I can't just have a small bet'. However, now I can rationalise this pretty quickly so the thought is quashed in a matter of seconds. Feel it would take some act of effective 'self harm' to gamble again as I have a good understanding of the addictive side of it so can't see myself 'slipping' into it.

Proud that I have also not smoked since around May last year. My newest addiction I am trying to break is an unusual one. I support a football team, not massively, but nonetheless weirdly developed a quite secretive compulsion to view the forum of a supporters website. Harmless in a sense, but also very weird and, I think, unhealthy. I can't really explain why I spend so much time on it - I don't even post. I am to an extent interested in the football team aspect, but not THAT much. It's definitely become a compulsion. As my thread title suggests, one of my big problems with gambling was the zombification effect. My style of gambling was quite constant at low stakes, over a long period of time (with major long term effects). My gambling addiction thefore was an escape from reality and (at its best) a numbing of various negative factors such as boredom and loneliness. What is terrible about of 'zombification' is that although I try to escape, I never really do. By doing this I avoided facing up to my problems and thereby stunting my personal development and fulfillment. I strongly believe we reap what we sow.

So back on track to my lastest thing of completely stopping this football messageboard thing, I do see parrells to gambling. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it's major difference is that it is not fundamentally and devastating in its destructiveness. However, the messageboard compulsion is totally mindless and a means to zone out. Also, I am very secretive about it - although I know it's not a big deal I would be embarrassed if people, espeically my partner knew how I was on it all the time. I've also been doing this for about 11 years so it has become entrenched like my gambling was. At present I am studying for exams and the temptation to 'log in and zone out' is particularly tempting. Of course I still remain active on this forum but this can obviously be justified and has a clear positive value - indeed it was by opening up on this forum which prompted an instantaneous 'light bulb' moment. Appreciate my latest mission might seem, and probably is relatively, trivial. However, I see it as (I think) my last vice (apart from driking alcohol which is different as social drinking I don't see as bad) and also I see this as my making further positive changes, post gambling era.

I think you are entirely right. You are still using the same coping mechanism all be it a less destructive one, to combat facing lifes trials & tribulations. Its fantastic you recognize this & realize you need new solutions on how to deal with reality. That is the eternal quest i guess to true recovery. The recognition that gambling & addictive behaviours are our solution & not the cause of our problems is an important realization on understanding what we need to work towards for a happier healthier self.

Many thanks to day@time. Really do find his posts useful. After a while the posts become similar (v useful nonetheless) but his are more challenging and stimulating.

Reference on here is often made to inherent 'addictive personalities'. This seems true, self included. But this can't be some kind of stand alone characteristic but the symptom of other problems.

This is what I need to address. I haven't gambled for 14 months and it's time for the new challenge of somehow effecting change to my person

The crux: I find in a lot of people's close company I become anxious and kind of uptight. (With my partner, v good friends and parents i'm fine) The result of this is I am less good company/get more negative vibes. Unfortunately I can be v sensitive and so pick the bad vibes too readily which then feeds my anxiety...and this negativity perpetuates.

I'm not sure this is a straight forward self confidence thing as in certain ways I'm very confident, eg I can give a talk to large audience, Or I've been professionally quite successful inrecent years.

That said I think there is a confidence problem when I'm with people in that I am too desperate for people's validation. This makes me too cautious and just makes me think too much- however I know I'm at my best friend (socially at least) when I'm not 'thinking' (about what I say or the effect of what I say). This ia why I am probably better 'after a few drinks'.

Although it's not necessarily a clear cut confidence issue, in my desperation to 'change' ive looked up strategies including writing down a list of achievements/strengthas etc.

Found that helpful but maybe aimed at low self esteem? But not sure that's an issue.

It also helped to.write down goals and am now focussing on improving a number of personal relationships.

Would welcome any thoughts sorry for rant.

Ps. Told gf about gambling and she was great. I guess I should speak to her I just feel a bit weak and stupid- (she defintely doesnt have tgus issue) and me revealing my deepest insecurities make her either think less of me or alter how she handles my intetacting with others. .?

Carrying on from my previous post I continue to delve into the deeper reasons behind why I gamble.

I've been further considering what I see as my social awkwardness amongst (many) people. I think I see validation and having read up more about it I see it is a common trait and I definitely recognise myself seeking it. This behaviour of seeking validation or reassurance has very negative consequences. It stifles not only myself but others around me too.

I went for a meal with my gf last night and, somewhat under the influence of a few glasses of wine, took the plunge and told her about my insecurity based on this need for my validation. To my superprise she started a robust defence of my character! Trying to say such behaviour is normal, or that I was only feeling this way as a temporary thing. I actually ended up upsetting her by protesting so much against her attempts to defend me. Quite weird as I thought she would likely recognise my concerns.

Anyway, so it looks like I'm back to it just being me and my online research. I'm really keen to make the move from 'recognition' to 'change'. I need to do more research about this but I think self-realisation is half the battle. Any tips welcome.

Thanks

Hi Cardhue,
I spent a lifetime seeking validation from others because i could never find it within myself. Try & see the bigger picture. What is it you want from life? When you find that answer put your best efforts into creating it. If you can focus on what you want rather than what you think others expectations of you are, you will feel less resentful about their reactions. Happyness can only come from within it can not be given to you by someone else. Good luck & try to enjoy the difficult road ahead.

Dan

Looking and researching further into my validation issue, I came across an article which included the following traits as signs of seeking validation: withholding an opinion for fear of rejection, not properly listening to a conversation proprely but instead thinking of something to say which makes me seems clever or funny, excessively self conscious or worrying about what to say. Tick tick tick!!

It seems like by seeking validation I am trying to get someone to sooth some weakness (or pain/fear) I have. And the correct approach is to address this issue directly rather than seeking a band-aid approach through temporary validation of others. I think this must be right. I am less clear on specifically what my own fears are - I can't be explicit about them although I know they exist. I I do want to be both clever and funny, surely this isn't bad. I guess some things to bear in mind are a) I am to an extent both of these and they will come out, dont force it b) I am what I am.

I think amongst my favourite people are those who are honest, uncontrived, genuine and witty. With the exception of the last one of these, these are traits which can surely be realistically learned. It's a case of practising what you preach - which I think I can do by being more conscious of my own weaknesses.

Aside from better self-awareness, I can try and effect change by a) being less judgemental about people - seriously I am bad at this and all I'm doing is creating barriers between me and others b) don't actively try to impress anyone - I miss out on what others are saying and it just comes across as being a tw&t c) Live and let live/each to their own.

This might seem like d-grade psychology but I'm liking trying to get to the root of things. I always hoped that when I stopped gambling I would be effecting greater change beyond just removing gambling itself but otherwise continuing 'as is'. I think now I am starting to go deeper and it feels right.

Interesting couple of days for me.

I'm still on this consciousness trip, exploring my issues of validation and rejection. My plan is to be able to identify how these issues permeate my life and in particular my social interactions. My plan is to then these negative traits which negatively affect both me and others.

So firstly I have been reading up into how to identify these issues. I am going to try and remember them now:

- Waiting for guidance from others to talk about an issue (needing permission)

- thinking about a clever or witty response and not actually listening to the person I am with

- Not 'speaking up'.

-Taking any kind of negative response too much to heart - lack of 'thick skin'

- Realising that I cannot truly affect what others think about me. Furthermore, what others think is none of my business.

- Mulling over how I 'performed' socially

These are the problems which centre around issues of validation and rejection and which cause me to be quite often socially akward and repressed.
Simply being 'aware' of the above, is said to be half the battle. But other antidotes might include increasing the boundaries of my comfort zone - this could be done by doing spontaneous random acts (singing on a bus) or by deliberately being rejected by someone to develop a thicker skin.

Well, all very good but this weekend I have actually started to trying to put things into practice. The biggest thing I've been working on is being conscious of how my thoughts and actions are being driven by validation and rejection issues. I went to a Ceilidh last night with work people - something which could ordinarily lead me to being negatively repressed. However, I definitely felt that by being mindful of the above made a difference. Unfortuantely by the end I was quite drunk and starting to get negative. However I woke up today and went *u*k it, who cares. Normally I would be remorseful and worrying but this time I seemed able to write it off easily.

Today spent in the company of people I'm not too familiar with. Again by being mindful I was much less anxious and I think I was better company. When people I'd say something stupid or that someone disagreed with - rather than feel stupid I was able to go with the rejection and see it meant 'f&ck all'. Yesterday I was in Sainsbury's and complimented the cashier on her hair - not a big deal but a minute step towards greater spontaneity.

I'm not there but I feel revitalised.

Great post Card,

When we communicate with others, do we do so to understand, or do we do it to reply. I know how i used to communicate with others. It was always to reply. I never really listened or was genuinely interested in what they were saying, only in what my more interesting reply would be. As you have identified a need to be heard & validation from others is important to lots of us.

Dan

People talk of fighting. That doesn't sound right to me. This isn't something we can summon our strength for some confrontation. Its about our willingness to change.

In the early days it might be using the triangle, or for me opening up on here and to my partner.

Once you've stemmed the flow it's about looking deeper into what caused us to be this way. What are we hiding from?

Then once you identify thus you move to change again.

It's been 28 months since i gambled and only now am I at this last stage. I've identified validation and rejection issues. This week at work has been hectic with little chance to think. This long weekend is with the in laws (out laws!). A time of traditional anxiety during which my self identified issues would be out in force.

I need to keep my awareness. But I need patience too, stopping gambling, smoking -that's great but you're refraining from a negative, so the goal is actually quite easily identified. My current goals are less clear but hugely important to me

Well made it through a long weekend with my girlfriend's family. This is a classic time where I would have social anxiety. I had previously linked this with underlying issues to do with the frequent need for validation and rejection.

I was fairly dogged in 'trying' to adopt my new principles (self-awareness of validation needs, appreciating I can't control others' opinion, having thicker skin, speaking up).

I think there was some success. It has definitely been a lot worse than that before. That said, it was often a painful experience. Just to set the scene, these long weekends are spent primarily in GF's parents house, with an ocassional venture outside for a walk. Otherwise it's pretty much full on constant time spent with parents in the sitting room. Her parents, and sister and sister's BF are fortuantely very nice. However, I still find I get anxious in this situation and struggle to 'be myself'.

I felt progress but I felt very like I was being very quiet. I don't see GF's family often so I worry that I am (understandably) kind of considered as being really quite quiet (as I don't see them very often apart from these intense situ's I wouldn't blame them for thinking that). So, I do think my new self-awareness has made me generally be less socially awkward However, I still have this fundamental problem of being beset by self-consciousness. I can't relax and I can't be my normal spontaneous self.

So my new issue I've identified (again linked) is that I'm just too self-conscious (of how I am coming across and interacting) - although only in sitiations where I am sociallly anxious. What are those situations? Well here are some examples: Aforementioned GF's family, my own family when with extended family members, certain old friends I no longer regularly see but conisder very good friends, some people from work. In these situations I am over-analysing the conversation, internalising it rather than being myself and going with it. This weekend I felt mentally exhausted from trying to fit in, or worrying that I was being perceived as being quiet. Unfortunately, my strategies didn't releave me from my familiar feelings of claustrophobia and over-analysis.

I don't want to be too hard on myself because I know I can't expect dramatic turnarounds straight away. There was definite improvement and so that's a start. I am motivated though to continue my quest to really identify what is wrong to fix the problem.

I think I would really like to speak to a psych - I have never done this before. I just think it would be helpul. I contacted 'Netline' and they gave me a contact for a place quite far away from me in London. The advisor then seemed to backtrack and suggest if I wanted more of a psycho-analysis then I would have pay privately for this. My problem is that I can't afford to pay the no doubt huge fees for this. There is another issue which is that I am not sure I would tell my GF about this - I've told her about gambing and she's cool with that. But, as I've mentioned before in my diary, when I mentioned I thought I had 'issues' she kind of got really defensive saying I had no problems. On the one hand this kind of endearing but also unhelpful as I feel I have issues to resolve..

So, in case anyone has made it thus far, any suggestions for cheap psych's in London I'd be grateful fo hea of

Thanks

Cardhue

Fella I have as long as I remember had a very hard time when confronted with social situations and would find myself withdrawing or all through my gambling life seeking escapism either through gambling or excessive drinking often resulting in me becoming the jester, putting on a front to avoid anyone questioning the real me.

I believed that the secret to being happy was to seek constantly to make everyone else happy, a people pleaser,the result always the same, through trying to read between the lines I would leave myself full of self hatred, the feeling of abject failure.

Seek help my friend,go see your gp,be totally honest with them, they are able to refer you to mental health services, which will open many doors.

I have spoken to some amazing professional people who understand my own mindset, cbt therapy helped me to put things into better perspective. Recovery is an ongoing process, my own wellbeing has to take priority.

Please do the same for yourself.

You won't have to pay for it other than a commitment of time if you go through your gp.

As the honourable smiler used to write

Be kind to yourself

Something today I fully understand the importance and value of.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.