last chance

Hey Split :)) .

Look it's not that I'm not happy for you , I think it's fantastic that youv'e maintained a gamble free existence for the last few months and all credit to you for achieving that and I know it's not easy , it's blo..oody hard but I just can't get my head around this whole " Veil of secrecy " at least where your partner's concerned , you say you know " She would stand by you " but won't be honest with her , which is fine in itself if that's the way you want it but your forgetting the fact that your lying to the closest person to you and I'm not sure if that's to protect her or you ? but all I'm saying is what happens if she later find's out and how would you feel if the boot were on the other foot ?.

You probably feel that I'm just trying to wind you up over this but I'm not, far from it in fact , I've had that conversation with my loved ones and it doesn't make you feel like a great person but that said , if I wanted a new open honest life instead of the Gambling fuelled existance I used to have I had to be Honest from day one .

I'll leave it there Split , unless you choose to respond ? But I'll alway's support you on your journey even if we don't alway's agree on the best method :))

Look after yourself Buddy :))

Hi Alan. Thanks for the post.

The above reply from myself wasn't aimed at you. I respect what you have said. You stated what you believe. And why. And it was all good reason.

i dont want to do it. And there's a difference in opinion of what we all think is the best way.

But that's fine, its good to c different views. Once again thanks for sharing.

My comment above was aimed at cardhue. If you read back over the comment i just felt it was a little sarcastic. I understand that people view i should tell. But it sounded a little bitter. Maybe its how i read it. A dunno.

But thanks Alan, and once again you have caused no offence or anything. I do take on board what you have said. Its differcult, but I cant live in my bubble.

I nearly told my partner just an hour ago.

I want to sort this out myself. Am proving that I am.

Your choice Split. Your path. Best wishes, Phil.

Thanks phil!

just read a brilliant post! by beany!

7 years gamble free. And didnt tell a soul. no one!

I know this has always been a strong topic of debate in my diary.

To tell or not too.

many have shared their views on here suggesting i should tell etc.i thank you all for your input and your advice was considered for a while.

But there was a small few who where making very harsh statements. And read in context i feel many would agree.

I am susprised that people will go to such lengths to prove there hypothesis on which way is the only way to be gamble free.

we share our views which are gonna be different. that's ok. Its good in fact.

But why must we tell someone they cant do it, can't be happy, takeaway there positive mood.

Sarcastic comments and pure bitterness.

i am delighted with my progress, gamble free at 111 days. I believe this is a personal best!!!

I will prove those people wrong. I am sorry that your dont want me too. And you want me too fail.

What a shame!

Morning, Split,

Personally, I don't wish to bring you down or see you fail. Cardhue is well able to speak for himself but his posts have never struck me as malicious. What is said is what you don't want to hear - that long term deception of nearest and dearest, with whatever intention, is not a recipe for happiness. In any context (affairs, identity of parents, addiction, abuse, illness, to name but some). And gambling is easier where you are accountable only to yourself. You may not like hearing it but it's valid and based on the hard experience of those who say it to you.

If you can bring yourself to do it, look at the first posts on the various threads on the f&f section. Secrecy and deception do hurt.

CW

At the end of the day it's your choice (which I respect) Split if you have specific reasons. Personally I found getting it out in the open was a bitter pill to swallow but it has had many benefits.

My wife (most importantly), mum, and small circle of friends know I'm a recovering gambling addict and although my wife was and is still to some extent horrified with some of the things I did, I had to tell her and she is starting to trust me again. The smile from a wife who you love and is starting to trust you again is worth a million bets to me.

Best wishes on your ongoing journey. Phil

Of course you think it's a brilliant post,split. What's not to like about having your own view validated and reinforced?

No-one wants you or anyone else to fail but it's worth pointing out once again that secrets are corrosive and that applies however long they're kept.

Split I'm proud of you man ! You're doing great ! Yes again Yes! EVERYONE IS AN INDIVIDUAL ! If it's works for you good for you man ! It's no good to make you do something you're not comfortable or not ready to do so ! Phil is right you're path your life ! And as always ONE DAY AT A TIME ! I know exactly we're you're coming from buddy ...

All the best ,

Sars

Lethe,

Of course people like things what they wanna hear. You said it perfectly it reinforces my belief. Of course i am to like it.

But why not... Here's why..

theres a guy that has been gamble free for 7 years. Granted i am sure he has lied etc. But what an achievement. Regardless of how he got there i am sure we can agree that its a good thing on some level.

My point was this.. I felt that it was suggested i couldn't achieve being gamble free for the rest of my life unless I told people.

I was delighted that someone proved that you can do it.

that was it.

there are two main points to this i feel.

1. Being gamble free, paying back my debts. Making life better.

2. Confession to my family and partner of everything.

for some the two go hand in hand. I dont believe they have too. And whislt its a common view that I am wrong for doing it this way. Please acknowledge something. I am achieving all set out as point 1 and I am actually achieving something.

I know I am wrong for keeping this a secret. And do feel guilty. I dont wanna hurt my partner and family. This hurt... Is the driver in my life. Protecting them from the mess i created. And yes its my fault for doing that. But I am clearing it up. I am proving i am. They cant be hurt if they don't know.

The question of what if they found out... Well exactly. Its a worry indeed. But the question is hypothetical. And they may never.

The guilt will always live with me. And indeed Lethe it doesn't matter how long gamble free it will feel wrong.

The waves of guilt are never going to go away. I feel its better then the hurt i would cause them. I have to accept that we are going to disagree on this part. And I can understand your views. I have often thought of many of your posts and want to state that I didnt just dismiss them because i simply didnt wanna hear it.

It would be nice if we could agree on the first point however. I am a gambling addict, proven so far to stay gamble free and slowly making my life better. This is why I got so upset. I felt as if this point wasn't being notice. I was dissappointed from the community and the negative posts did burst my bubble a bit.

I may be expecting too much and as always I will consider everything that is wrote. Thanks guys

I have had a few weeks of me time Split and am now back in the game of life.

I am trying to look at this from a few angles. Personally, and i think I have said this to you before. If I was with someone and they hid this from me, and we started a life together and it came out. I don't think there would be a lot of room for understanding and forgiveness on my behalf. Your not living authentically and I believe in a relationship, you need to do that. The other person needs to know exactly what is in their relationship.

Neutrally, i think it is absolutely none of anyone's business here ore anywhere else what you do with your journey. Some people that have been affected by gambling issues, have been burnt so badly, that all they can see is thr truth should always be told. It is that feeling of being lied to. I get that. However, there is no magic formula, what works for me may not work for you. I read some of the comments above and there is some emotion there.

If you choose to tell your girlfriend, that is your business....but can I make a suggestion. If you choose not to tell her, constantly debating it on here, is not going to help your mental state. You need to make a decision and stick to it.

A few weeks ago, you mentioned chasing money. Money does not like being chased, as nothing in this world does really. You attract things into your life. Not by chasing them, the more you do that, the more they run away.Just a thought.

People are always going to be divided about the truth. I know what my heart is telling me to tell you, but that decision is yours to make.

Julie x

Thank you all for your posts. I know its wrong. How can i possibly

defend that lieing in a reltionship is the right thing to do. Its not.

My girlfriend would hate the fact she has been lied too about all of this. Everything wrote above really does hit hard but I know that its true.

I hate gambling! I have never felt this way about it in my life. The mess and the thought of getting found out is something that motivates me to stay gamble free. I know many will have there views on this. And it shouldn't be that way. But once again its keeping me gamble free. And in 10 years i have never been able to do this. I have hit my personal best. Seen my life improve a little. And genuinely looking forward to the future.

I dont feel that I will ever tell my partner. The very fact i was thinking of suicicide in the beginning and for so long. That was a very dark time for me. I got thru it alone (just this dairy). And i think if there was ever a time I was to tell her it would of been then.

Once the debt is paid i will get a joint bank account just as further protection. But I am confident I can and will be gamble free.

Finally I will draw a line under this and state once more. I know I am wrong! And to my girlfriend i am sorry for everything. I am going to make this better, and I am never going to bet again!

Today is 113 days gamble free. And is a very small dent in what I have to achieve. Some things have really changed.

I have more time, to relax or just do other and more enjoyable things.

I have said this before but life is not so up and down. Its nice! If I have £50 i know its petrol and food for work for the week. Its a simple thing most take for granted but its just so so nice!!! Am really happy about this!

I feel I am better at my job, i deal with the stresses better and perform better. I am more focused and like that work is a good discretion when things play on my mind.

I see my family a little more. Its still should be more however.

Sounds werid haha! But i feel like a normal human- most of the time!

I like that i go to work, its honest hard work. I earn my money. I spend it on things i need. And i dont waste it. Well to some degree.

I had a loan not from gambling. But was in arrears due to my gambling with it.

This is now fully paid.

i had an arrangement with a payday loan company.

This is now fully paid

i owed my dad over £1100

its now half that amount.

I still have 2 credit cards and a loan.

They come to £9900 plus the money i owe my dad which equals about £10.5k

my total debt started at 12.5 k

In the 113 days i have been gamble free i have paid by 16% of my debt.

Will shortly manage to get £1500 for spending money for a beautiful hoilday.

Bought clothes. For myself and the missus. Bought clothes! I looked a mess before!!

Bought a beautiful engagement ring! Its really nice!

And stopped thinking about sucicide and all the negativity of gambling.

It's been a hard but good 113days!

118 days. It feels like a long time. But also a short time. Makes no sense that sentence but it is the only way I can explain it. It feels like ages ago that I gambled, and was so in need for the pain to go away.

And yet it feels like just yesterday at the same time. I think its because a lot had changed in my life i feel. Despite it being such a short time really. Once again its just the debt that gets me down from time to time. But the positive is that its going down and its less than it was. Time will do the rest. Trying to learn patience! And enjoy the good in every day from now till then.

Have been working really really hard. Despite for a day off, a lie in. And some good food and a film. I dont know how i got the time to gamble before. Its had me puzzled. I think I am filling my life with other things which is good.

Hi Split,

Reading your story I draw so many similarities its crazy, my partner also has no idea about my addiction. My views are very much the same as yours, I am dealing with this my way and doing well but every day is a struggle. I fully understand what a lot of people say on here about getting everything out in the open but everyones situation is different. Being super honest laying all your cards on the table is the traditional route but again not for everyone. Personally if i came clean now my partner could leave me i could become depressed and then start gambling again so being honest could actually lead to self destruction. I have lied so much over the years (i'm an expert at it, not proud of it) and if i told her now she would be sickened by my deceit especially as we have a son.

Split you are doing so well, how you get through your months with next to no money is a common scenario for me, how do we get through it god knows? I'm new to this so i'm gonna start my own thread and tell my own story in full, please search for me in a when you get the chance.

Stay strong!!

Chance

Thanks for the comment chance. I will look ur posts up.

i have past the 4 month mark. 123 days. Felt a bit down earlier. Looked at my bank balance and was in my overdraft more than I wanted to be. But then felt better that I realised I had exchanged a large amount of my holiday money. Bought clothes, and the money i owe my dad will be done with in the next few month or so, as I have paid a lot off lately. Its nice i have things to show with my money now. The debts are more manageable. And if I choose to pay them off as per the original agreement (3.5 years) I could have a small fortune left every month. I do think that this would not be wise however. And should really try and pay them off quicker.

I still struggle with the value of money, the whole concept of the thing. I am a greedy person when it comes to money. I will give to anyone, but then would be happy to work 90 hour weeks if i could get paid more. Its never enough.

Its certainly a trigger for gambling. And I am trying to understand why I am like this. I love money. I like having it. And I wish I could have more. Its a very shallow view. And I worry if I am making the right choices in my life. I work so so hard!!

Tonight gambling played on my mind. It would usually be a trigger as my girlfriend is out with friends. Am alone, bored or whatever. I didnt gamble. And I knew I wouldn't. I bought a shirt, and paid some more towards my debts.

It felt better than gambling.

I am worried that this month is the first month i have had access to credit and money from my wages.

I worry I am spending to subtitute for my gambling or my debt or something. I have to be more careful i feel.

Great to see your 124 days gamble free , brilliant . Really helps me to see GamCare friends winning their battles with the gambling addiction , getting some GF time under their belt .

To me the urge to spend money unnecessarily is like a smoker wearing a nicotine patch so within reason i go along with it .

The addiction is such a conniving so and so . It occasionally says to me ' Life is looking quite rosy now , if we won.a bit of money it would be perfect ' ! .... No way am I falling for that old chestnut again .

Stay strong Split . Wishing you every happiness on your journey ..... stephen