last chance

Thank you for such a lovely comment our lady. Really appreciate that.

It's been a hard week at work. Basically doing my bosses job As he ain't there. And not getting any of the rewards. That said I received some nice praise from my bosses boss. And hopefully it will all be noted for a promotion in the future.

Got told it may be a while due to lack of positions. Think they are just trying to keep me motivated.

It's been taxing at work but feel a real sense of achievement some days. And it's all a welcome distraction. Have had very little home life time as it has been 70hours for the last 6 days still two shifts to do.

I can't wait to have a day off and cut my grass. A hope it's sunny!!! It's the simple things!!!

I feel very grateful of everything in my life at the moment. My family and my partner. My job and my home. My car and my future!!

It's the debt that is of course upsetting and it comes over in waves. Some days I feel very positive about it all. Others it really kills me and gets me down. That said after each direct debit comes a great sense of relief. I like that most of my bills are now paid for the month. A few to come out over the next week. But no money at all after that for lunch at work and petrol.

When I think of what my life could become I feel very happy. Dreaming and flowing with ambition. I also think of how I have massively hindered that I it makes me feel sad.

It's real good therapy that I can write and share my feelings like this. I feel that it's helping a lot!!

Today was day 34,35 or 36 am not sure. I know it's still gamble free.

Learning to be grateful of what I do have instead of being grateful of what I don't.

Debt and money worries aside I am very happy. Beauty is I know that there will come a time where money will not be an issue. What a sense of relief it will be.

Every time I add up my debts it feels like another lost. I can remember logging in to my online banking and adding up all the pending transactions when I would gamble. £100, £200 and £500 transactions one after another. Security checks all the time and my card getting blocked by my bank. I hope I don't ever have to relive that ever again.

Started at 12k of debt. Now at £11,400.

Another day done.

Yesterday I didn't gamble. The was opportunity as I was off work for the first time in 8 days. I have mentally prepared myself knowing I had the time, some funds and when popping to the shops the location was there. Dam betting shops and sratchcards are on every corner.

Instead I choose to enjoy my day, I couldn't really afford to do so but I got a nice pizza, rented a movie from sky and chilled on the sofa. I also got round to cutting that grass!

My morning was spent ringing around certain companies for the house. One being my gas and electricity supplier. Yet again they have not took payment via direct debit. The chap in the call centre finally sorted the matter. However it means it's a bill I don't have to pay for this month.

And so.... Out of nowhere I didn't know how I was to get by for the month. Usually I would of gambled. But I didn't and it turned out that because of a bit of luck (in a different form) I will reach the end of the month.

Lately I have felt like the wind has been in my face, I feel like it's behind me now.

Back to work in a few hours, off this Sunday and making dinner for the inlaws.

Day 39 or 40 not sure?

Well done split, you are doing so well under such tight circumstances and hopefully starting to feel the mental calm of a normal life

I think that's 40 days,

Can't say that am a different person, or that life is completely different. It's going take time right.

There's less shocks! Less highs, less real lows. And the highs were only short lived anyway.

Feel a little more secure, abit more certain of myself. And truly believe I can beat this addiction. Do worry, Ano that sounds cocky. I won't get too relaxed.

It's been a short space of time, but life is slowly taking over. There's less stress, tears and the emotional yo-yo ing that gambling creates.

Certainly it has left its mark. But as I struggle very slowly each month to pay back the debt I feel more positive.

Still over 11k to go, which is huge. Family coming over tomorrow, we are entertaining for Sunday lunch.

Didn't even realise it was the grand national today. Not that I ever really gambled on horses but it's an event I would always bet on.

Posting a lot lately so don't have much to say. Tomorrow there will be opportunity, funds and location to gamble as I go to the shops again. I will not gamble.

There are certainly highs and lows about this disease. And that's exactly what it is... A disease. By definition is a disorder of function with a human. That can result in Phyiscal and mental discomfort and pain..

Sounds rather fitting!

Anyways. Highs and lows. I have so far credited my gambling free period down to looking ahead and visioning how things will change down the line. One of the many ways is imaging what to do with all the money I will have left once my debts are paid. These types of thoughts have helped me so much. And have giving me some hope of highs in this very low and challenging time in my life.

In about three months due to a payrise and a hire purchase being paid me and my partner will be £450 better off! Every month.

It's something that has motivated me massively and today I am disheartend to learn that it may no longer be the case.

My partner has decided to go back to uni for a fourth and final year. Meaning for a year we wil be without her salary. Of course various student finance is available but it falls short of her salary.

I am fortunate that as the loan ends on the hire purchase it will come in good time as the money will be used for the reduction in wages. However I am still gutted that it's again in one hand and out the other.

I am very selfish for feeling this way. It's my partners education and something that will hopefully benefit us both in years to come. In theory she will earn more money when qualified then she does now. I should view it as an investment, and be happy knowing that we can get by at least.

I hate what I have done every day. It's like I have committed a crime, and every day is another day of my prison sentence. I don't feel normal. I don't act like normal people do. What on earth was I thinking when I did this to myself!

I can see why gambling is such a horrible disease. The aftermath of it all just goes on forever and ever!!!

If I was a alcoholic my body would start to recover by now. Same if I was a drug addict.

Still gamble free. Day 40 something? Still dreaming of a better time to come!

Day 48. Today I will not gamble I couldn't even if I wanted too. I transferred my last £20 to my partner before the 'contact less' payments came out my account. It is our last £20 before she gets paid in two days time. So we have getting by this month. A relief! Two more to go!

I got by this month by basically doing nothing. Had a few treats. One or two takeaways and that was it. I didn't pay off any debt to my dad off the money I owe him. I changed the direct debit date of my loan so I could defer it a month. And also my gas and electric company didn't take there direct debit a fault on there end yet again. I was short paid by my employer of £65 which I will receive next month. Bonus! I had no council tax to pay this month but it starts again next month. With all these different bills not paid and I just got by. How on earth will I do it next month!

Dad debt not paid £80

Loan moved date £119

Gas and electric £109

No council tax £133

£441 in addition to this months bills. My salary will be £130 more, so some how I have to find £311.

I know this may be boring for people to read but I am documenting it all down so I can relive this hard time down the line if I ever feel the need to gamble!

I am on payment arrangements with everyone. So I can't underpay on anything! I really need a helping hand from someone or something please!!!! Another 60 hour week at work next week I wish I got paid for overtime! I wish I could find a way to help make it easier!!! Hopefully the universe will see I am doing all I can. I really am!!! I hope it will help me along!

Literally spent the last two hours writing complaints to a pay day loan companies and various other companies that have loaned me money over the years. I am on reduced repayments with all of them. And whislt I acknowledge it is because of gambling that I am in financial hardship I believe some of them have broke the leading code as set out by the OFT.

Many payday loan companies and loan companies in my opinion didn't take into account my ability to pay back my loans based on what I make and what my current level of debt was. Granted gambling made it worse. But surely the maths at some point didn't add up to them. It is only now that I cannot get credit. That my credit score has suffered. And it is only 48 days ago( gamble free) that I realised the mess I was in. Surely they must of seen this coming. I do accept responsiblity of my actions guys. I am not putting blame on them all together. I think we will all be a little divided on this one.

Please let me know your thoughts cheers split!

Well done for facing up to what you have done I too borrowed money from my parents they have no income and are on pensions and benefits due to ill health I had to admit to payday loans which is why they helped but after I paid them off I went on a bender and borowed again so I had payday loans and my parents debt what an idiot they also don't know why I've got in a mess it would kill them.not gambling makes you a better person I am over limit on all my credit cards so step one is to get under limit within 6 months step 2 to be debt free in 2 years we can do it I know we can!

Day 53, one very differcult week at work. Work colleagues really P**s me off. People are so full of s and are all for themselves. Anyways. Have a weekend off work which I really need. Went out last night with family and pretty much sat quiet all night. Not like me as I am usually the life of the party. My dad was telling me not to get depressed and to face life head on. If only he knew my situation.

I wish I could share with you guys my job and explain more about the amount of hours and responsibility I have. But I won't. It's just very differcult as it takes so much from my life. And then my family take a little sometimes with their problems. And then this whole debt thing takes a lot. And in the end I think there's nothing left of me for me. If that makes sense.

I did, but should of enjoyed myself more last night. I just kept thinking how the £50 on the meal would be needed at the end of the month to get by. But my hand was forced and I had to go.

I am in part struggling with life at the moment. In work, and at home. The debt consumes my every thought and I am working harder than anyone I know for what feels like nothing. I do ackonledge that this is a build up of my gambling over the years. And the situation has been along time coming.

I read posts on here quite a lot and many people speak of debt or losing money and I can see the same mistakes going to be made like I did. Gambling gives you many warning shots! If you choose not to see them you end up where I am.

The amount of times I would lose massive amounts. And somehow win it back, my heart would be racing, I would feel sick and sweaty. But I never listened and always gambled until it had gone.

The hoilday which I booked ages ago (due to a brief win) I am no longer looking forward too. I just worry I won't have any money for anything. It's been 7 years since I last stepped on a plane. My salary has increased 4 fold and a lot of time has passed since then. I remember that last hoilday not having any money. All that time and all those years and hard work day in day out and I will be in the same position still.

I do have one positive at the moment. But I should just try and forget about it. As it may amount to nothing.

I have logged a complaint with many of my loan companies and I have stated that I believe the lending is irresponsible as per the lending code.

In very extreme and rare cases I have read that debt may be wiped off. Or reduced.

If so it would help me massively, but I doubt that it would ever happen. So I am trying to forget about it but dreaming of it happening is helping me thru atm.

Stay gamble free people!!!

I have never been on a proper holiday due to gambling. I am in a position where I might be booking somewhere soon but I just know I cannot be trusted to have any spending money nearer the time of the actual holiday. Friends are all able to book now and save a bit on a weekly basis. I cant do that.

The holiday is booked, so you have two choices, go and not have a good time, or go and have a good time, and make the best from what you have, even if this is very little. Holiday is a break from the day to day life, the getting up for work, the cooking, the mowing the lawn. Have read your diary from start to finish, and two things are leaping out at me. Who is supporting you Split, who is there to share it all with? Now this is not a 'someone telling me what to do' kind of conversation, far from it. I have my own journey to look after, but I just wanted to say, it seems lonely at your end. Your partner, your dad, your family, friends, no one knows what is really going on! That is your choice, but am just wondering why? Sometimes it is good to admit our faults, our weakness, and people understand this, because we are all human, and make mistakes. The other thing is money. That is why I started throwing money at an FOBT, because I was worried about money or lack of it (how that makes sense, I will never know)....but then it became a tool of self harm, show how worthless I was, to throw my last £20 at the thing. I am realising now, I actually have enough to be going on with, I just need to manage it all a bit better. That is me, not you btw. But am just wondering what has changed for you. If the deb t got 'wiped', what are you left with? Have you sorted out your addiction to gambling, have you answered it?

I wish you a beautiful weekend, a beautiful and enjoyable holiday, and peace.

Julie x

Day 54. In bed. My partner next to me. Lovely weekend off. Get paid in four days time. And once I make all my payments me debt will stand at £11'150. This means in less than 60 days I have paid off 7.08% of my debt. I know it's boring and a sad thing to work out. But I do this quiet a lot!

Julie to your question. I have no one directly there for me. No one that I can share my problem with. It's literally just you guys. Not to sound insulting! Haha!. Yeah it's just you lot!!!

All jokes aside, it's why I post so much and why I really do love it when people reply to my posts. You will never know how much it helps me!!! So thankyou!

Get paid soon. After that there will be one payment left on my silly loan of £466 quid every month!!!

Spent a lot of time on my phone looking at loft conversions. Would love to do that. Can't afford to wallpaper the stairs. But looking at loft conversions. We gotta dream!!

Don't know how I will make it till next payday. Last month was hard, this one will be harder. Tough s**t! It's gotta be done! Can't wait to read this back once it's over!!

It's that horrible feeling of anxiety the day and hours before work after a few days off. I hate leaving home and pulling in to the car park. Recieving texts on my day off is no good. Know I have a mountain of s*** to go into today. Hopefully I will be finished for 10pm start at 10:30am. Had to ask my partner for another bank transfer as some bills have came out before payday. I really am worried as to how I will make it to the end of the month. And I haven't been paid yet. Last month I was lucky. This month a dunno! When I get to work today I am gunna put in for a weeks hol in the next month or so. Just need a bit break from the place. Hopefully my car won't run out of fuel before I land at work. My partner won't make that transfer until she's on her break at work. Working so so hard. For what still feels like nothing. I will never gamble again! The pain I feel everyday is awful! It's went on and on and on! For months now. In 69 days time I will receive my wages and be 570 a month better off than I have been for the last two months. One loan paid of £466 a month and a payrise of a £100. Holiday is in 13 weeks time and have no spending money so hopefully it can be used towards that!

If your reading this! Please don't gamble! I can't express the pain I am in because of it all!!!

Just posted yesterday. But need this in my life at the moment. Sometimes I can go days without feeling the need to speak. But at the moment I need to post on nearly a daily basis. It's good therapy.

I have no real gambling urges. I do think of the stratchcards every time I pop to the shops or put fuel in my car. But will not buy them. I get to the counter and feel a sickly feeling in my stomach as my head says can I also get 2 number 1s. Usually the £10 ones!

On the plus side my car is cleaner to. They make a right mess.

Come home from work to a letter from one of my loans. Was day dreaming hoping it would be a cheque from my complaint about irresponsible leading. It was just a statement.

It's about 5 weeks until I am off work for a week. Look forward to spending that time off with more time gf under my belt!

68 days to go before life gamble free starts to show me some signs of looking better!