last chance

Hi Split,

I is here..Saying hey...I feel your pain about payday..I am paid in just over an hour....I feel anxious about it already but sure hey it has to be done and got through and it will be.

I ran out of fuel a few weeks ago, just around the corner from the hospital where I worked, a colleague loaned me £10 and another lady ran me up to the village witha petrol can, they both said I would do it for them, which I would, but nice all the same. Suggestion, don't try and break yourself to pay off the debts, I know you probably have your reasons for it...but can I ask you a direct straight question, if you got run over by a cattle truck (sorry I am Irish, this happens more than you think on country roads), what would be the point. Pay what you can afford, keep some money to live on. Life is bad, but it is meant to be enjoyed. Dream big about the loft, I keep looking at one bedroom apartments to live in. I am happy here, but would love to live in a place of my own, just my own space...shared is fine, but there comes a time when you just gotta call your own tune.

I don't think it is a bad thing that you use your diary as therapy, I use mine that way. I am not necessarily typing to anyone but me.

Keep your chin up, save your money on the scratch cards, they do make a mess of your car, all that scratchy dust is awful eh!!

Julie x

Thank you for your reply Julie! Very very kind.

In regards to paying debt I can not pay any less every month. All the arrangements have been set. And interest and pay plans set up.

But it is a sound bit of advice for anyone who may be able to read this and benefit from it. So thank you!

Last day tomorrow and off for the weekend. Jammy! Two weekends off in a row! Never happens!

About this time next month I will be making my final payment on my loan. Wil be great!

I am going to try and stop talking about the debt at least for a little. but instead my relationship with money. Like many of you my relationship with money is shocking. No respect and no value. I read a post on here recently and someone stated that most gamblers state they are broke and can't get by. However really they can, they have food, transport and although it may not be enough for luxuries they can get by. It's because a gambler desires more, more to gamble with. And it's never ever enuf.

I can tell you how many times I have added my bills up hoping to get a different answer. I realise on previous months how I would always spend a little on gambling if not loads. I don't know how I afforded it. I used to worry I wouldn't get by but then spend 100s on gambling. I wish I knew than what I do now. I do feel like my value for money and respect for it has improved massively over this last few month.

Hi, well done for clearing a good percentage of debt and I was thinking not only have you paid this you have also saved cash by not gambling!! I know it's hard to not think about what we owe 24/7, I spent about 2 hours awake last night stewing over how much I owe. But then I tried to reassure myself that as long as I don't gamble and make every effort to pay my debts that's all I can do. Sorry you blurb in now but I have found this site to be a lifeline and talking to people in the same boat is a massive help. Enjoy your weekend, take care S 🙂

Split, no worries on the kindness, we should all be kind to each other and support each other.

Your second to last paragraph could describe me accurately indeed. No value for money previously, and always thought I didn't have enough to get by on, when in fact I did. I never starved a day in my life...some days I will admit were worse than others, but hey ho. Keep going, enjoy your weekend...

Julie x

Thanks guys for the comments above!

At the end of today it will mark day 63. I have achieved this many times before and by now would be feeling a lot better about life.

Today I checked my bank account at early hours in the morning at 4am before heading off to work.

It still feels like a deep sickly pain in my stomach. As if I just lost the night before. You all know that feeling right?

I feel demotivated at work and I am putting on a constant act to the world. All day long. I do not have enough to pay my bills this month. I have cancelled the direct debit to sky. Hopefully they will give me a few weeks to pay it.

I had many temptations today. Feeling low about no money yet again. Despite doing everything 101%. I didn't gamble. I just visioned me winning a little something. But then I visioned losing backed up by the reality

Still more temptations. Altho I have no money. Literally what is there doesn't cover the bills. But its available and potential to gamble it has proven to be a killer in the past.

Every single day i think of this horrible disease. It eats away at me.

Life goes on and i slowly and very painfully continue to out one foot in front of the other.

Theres no way I will make it until payday. Not a chance. The gas and electric company didnt take there direct debit again. I am glad but in the same respect its a debt that is mounting. Just need to be able to have enough for petrol and food and I will be happy. It just shows how little i actually need to get by. Why did i risk it all?? I keep asking that and i cant think of a logical explantation other than I am a addict. And addicts put there addiction before everything. That's certainly what I have done. I question how and when it got so bad but i dont know.

I have one trick to get till pay day. And once again I am asking a higher power or the universe to help me out.

I dont have many things left but I can sell a bike i rarely use for £80 if i am lucky. It should be enough to get by. But have to sell it first!

Its my sisters birthday soon. I dont know how i will manage with that also.

I have been creative in the past and never been able to benefit truly from some money making by selling items etc. its my only shot of getting till the end of the month.

Its not nice to see your possessions sold but at the moment food comes before that. Its just something i have to do. And I wish I had more that I could sell.

Weekend at work. 8 days before my next day off. I sold the bike hours after making that lat post.

Its goina be a tough weekend at work. Am in charge of a few bits and there's a big boss coming to check on it all. Not only that I found out yesterday it may b a while before a promo comes up. There are already too many in the talent pool and not enuf positions. Which is fine i guess. Its just I have been promised to effect for the last 18 months. Sometime soon. Sometime soon.

My partner has a bit more in her account then what I thought. I am pretty confidence we will make it till her payday now. Its 2weeks away! Will still be hard but can be done.

And so life goes on. Keeping moving forward. Dont want to go to work. Stressed out, and gutted about it all still but no gambling will happen! Day 66

Keep the faith, and I don't mean that in a get on with it way. I need to tell myself that too. Just keep thinking something better will come along and it will...

Just remember in them bad times, and there will be them times, come on here and talk. When I see your diary pop up, I go into read it straight off. It will get better.

Julie x

Thanks Julie. I really appreciate your comments. I need to reply more to others on here in there diaries!

Today marks day 72 off being gf. Each month has been a struggle like i knew it would. And its been challenging mentally! Honestly I have felt at many times like i am going to lose my mind! Everyday like Groundhog Day. Work/ sleep / eat/repeat no quality of life really.

But it depends how you look at things. Glass half empty or glass half full. I think this has to do a lot with myself why I gamble. Certainly when urges come I am a glass half empty person. What I have is not enough. And well you know the rest.

Throughtout the 10 years i have spent gambling i would often stop like this. The longest i ever did was over 110 days. Life of course would massively improve and I would have money to go places buy things. And generally enjoy myself.

This time despite it beening a fair amount of time nothing has really changed yet. But the debts are coming down. Very slowly!! Very very slowly. And I have not made the situation any worse. Am goina call that progress.

My partner gets paid on friday next week. We have £30 between us. Its going to be so tight but as I have said in the past. All i need is fuel in my car and food. Looking for things to sell. But dont have anything. I have some gym equipment which I could get 100's for but I would be really upset if i did that! Its a welcome distraction from the day to day life. Its an ambition that I have wanted to achieve for a long long time to keep up at the gym. I bought it a few years ago to save on a membership.

Work has been a massive distraction lately! Its so stressful and busy but takes my mind off things abit. Still in pain. A lot of pain but it shouldn't be much longer now until things start to improve. And I see the fruits of my labour!

I will pay one of my loan payments for the last time the end of this month and i recieve a payrise shortly. That means from the end of June i will be £560 a month better off! Its just getting till June!

Focus!!!!

Hi split.

Lovely to read you are hanging in there despite being on a tight budget (like me for now)! Just remember, June is just around the corner!

Have a peaceful, g.f day.

Our Lady

Thanks our lady.

So am trying to document as much as I can about these hard times. Sure for anyone reading its boring. But I need this to look back too. If I ever want to gamble.

That £30 my partner had in her account that needs to last a week was a miscalculation on her part. Its not there. Pending transactions etc coming out.

So 6 days till payday. Quarta of a tank of fuel (not enuf for work) and nothing for food.

Its getting harder each month. Despite not gambling. But this is what happens when you bury your head in the sand right?.

Unfortunately it means its time to sell another possession. My house is going to be bare before long.

My playstation is worth £130 but the shop that buys them closes in 1 hour. Its taking hours to delete all my bank details etc on it. So I think I am going to miss the shop tonight. Gutted!

My partner said she feels like we are failing. Because we have to sell our things, she says its not fair on me. God if only she knew that its all my fault that we are in this mess. It really ate me up when she said that. I feel horrible inside.

Someone at work was doing a soonest for something or other. Everyone in my dept had put down to sponsor them for £5. I felt I had too also as didnt want to be the only one out. I dont have the money to even do that.

The loan complaints i raised have come back and told me I was lent the money according to the leading code. So I will raise the issue with the fos and see if they agree. Its a long shot but hoping they will wipe some of it off.

Have a lovely weekend off work. And cant do anything, eat anything. Really gutted. Asking the universe once more for some help please.

Sorry its not positive atm guys but its the truth that helps I guess!

Can anyone share any advice on finances? I am on min repayments with everyone. Selling all possessions and working 55 hours every week. And not gambling for nearly 3month. Is there anything i can do??

Hi Split...

Firstly, you need to stop some of the minimum payments.....a very wise person told me a very long time ago, that we need money for the basics, such as food, petrol, living, etc. From reading above, you do not have that. That has to stop and that has to be sorted. Now Split, I don't know you and you don't know me, but take it like this, I am not lecturing, I am looking outside the box, of which you cannot do. Get your list together of creditors, ring them up put two-three on hold for three months, what is the worst they can do "send the boys around" I think not. There is not a magistrate/judge debt company in the country that will put you on the road for putting a freeze on payments. There is many a person not paying a thing towards their loan's and they are okay. You will be okay. But you need to take that pressure of yourself Split. No one, not one person can live that way. I nurse people that took it a step too far.....and their mental health deteriorated to the point that the switch clicked...Don't think I am being dramatice, I see it everyday. Take a step back matey and get them payments sorted out, get a budget worked out, and go back to the drawing board. You need to eat, you need to pay utilities and you need to have an odd joyus moment, that you buy a chocolate bar and sit and eat it. Your stuff is your stuff, it must be heartbreaking to have to let it go. Can I test the water and ask, is there anyone that you can sub a few quid off...I know your probably like myself and don't like borrowing off anyone, I get that, but you cannot sit with no money until next Friday. Family/friend, all it would take is a un-expected bill came in, could you sub me £50. The work thing, scrub your name off the board for the money. Take it from me, people only put in what they can afford, it is for charity, and being very honest, you and your partner need it more than the charity right now.

I cannot offer any other advice, all I want is for you to realise Split that you cannot keep this pressure up. I am here whenever, am working tomorrow, but will reply if you want to chat a bit further. Must be a lonely time for you right now....Keep talking, this is what Gamcare is for......

The last thing I do at night, is deal my angel cards (a bit airy fairy I know), tonight I will deal a card for you and say a little prayer that things take a turn for you.

With the bestest of wishes and sending positive vibes.

Julie x

Hi split,

Julie has given you some really sound advice, and if you would like this re-affirmed from an expert, get in touch with the National Debtline. Here their website: https://www.nationaldebtline.org/

It does sound like the pressure you put yourself and your partner under is too much, and there are ways you can make this more managable for yourself. The National Debtline will be able to advise you on how to go about negotiating with your creditors the right way.

Keep up the good work in your recovery.

All the best,

Forum Admin

Julie your such a wonderful person. I was in tears as i read your last reply.

Its literally till June the 19th. Thats my partners payday after one big debt is paid. Its also the month when I see a payrise on my wages.

It is awful, I feel sick. I did do all the incomings and outgoings a few month back. Listed all the direct debits etc. It was managable back then. I then of course gambled. Ran up more debts, missed a few direct debits and the repayments have now been differcult for the whole duration i have been gamble free. I am very close to the point where it will massively improve. As I say June 19th.

This doesn't mean i don't take on board your advice. Its just i dont know how willing they will be as I am already on payment arrangement. I have to try right!!

It may seem so werid to people as one moment i talk of a hoilday I have booked and paid for in 2.5 months. And the next i have no money to eat. For the record the hoilday was booked in October and fully paid by a gambling win. I have since lost 4x that amount hence the situation am in.

Part of me wants to be able to make it till June 19th as it will mean more money left over for spending money in June and when we fly in July.

I kno this sounds so stupid. I know that its not possible really. The missus is wanting to buy clothes for hoilday. We have nothing for summer.

I know i sound like a little spoiled brat in this post. Hoildays and then not being able to eat. People may view and tell me to get my priorities right. It's booked, I would be dumb not to go. Also my partner doesn't know about the gambling. Therefore how do i be able to go on hol, with at least some spending money. And yet get thru this last month.

Its one more month. But in the same respect its a whole month. I have come to realise I will just make do with what I have to go on hoilday with. I will need money for food and transport. Hopefully I will get to do the odd activity. If not, so be it. Its more than what I am used to anyways.

God my partner deserves so much better.

So plan of action is, move a direct debit date to save £109 next month, speak the loan companies about payment arrangements. And just hope it all works out.

I sold the playstation so we are ok for now. Not flush. But ok is all i want!

Its just next month!

Split....

Ah now steady on with the wonderful!! A girl could be getting ideas above her station. I count myself a decent human being and that is all I strive to be.

Talk asap to the companies, what I said I stand by, no one is going to force you to pay that money, tell them your circumstances, be very polite but very firm. They will take what they are offered and be glad to get it. Food, fuel and living comes before all of that.

Don't try and justify that holiday, even to yourself, and no I don't think it is strange that there is a debate one minute for having aenough to eat and a holiday booked. When I was gambling, I used to buy myself expensive treats, then go on a gambling binge and have to return the item, or be that miserable that I hated what I bought for myself. A holiday is a break away from life, a treat. You deserve that, and your wife deserves that, and it is all good. But please take my advice and get some freezes on them payments. The 19th of June is a long way off yet, and you need a breather. I am honestly not exaggerating Split, the mind has a switch, and that switch can flick at anytime, stress and worry does that.

My advice is there at anytime if you need it, ultimately we al have to follow our own course in life. I know I do. Things will be okay. Am sending postive vibes. And one last snippet of advice....put down that stick that your beating yourself with, it must be very heavy....Head up shoulders back, chest out, smile, smile down when your reading this!!

Julie x