last chance

Sorry, Split, but I have strong views on secrecy and how unfair it was for me to be lied to and taken for such a mug for so long by my husband. As such, I hate to read of another CG doing the equivalent to their partner.

Setting her interests aside, opening up would benefit your own mental health. It's not the debt that's corrosive, it's the secret. And making yourself more accountable to outside scrutiny helps as a barrier.

Telling might not be a palatable prospect, but is your present situation any better?

CW

Hello Split, I've just scrolled back and read your posts, you've had some great advice from Julie, good on her and also good on you for treading water. But, my friend you need to start cutting your self some slack.

From the point when I started reading your thread was the love you feel for your Mrs and the guilt you feel --- ' she deserves so much more ', a common theme that kept repeating it self. And then I saw cw's post above and things made sense, you need to set yourself free from this guilt trip your going through, shame and guilt entwined are such a delibitating emotion that have a tendency to keep you trapped.

So my friend, as you said earlier you've not gambled for 3 months and your doing your utmost with regards to debt but your keeping your self trapped in the spiral with your secrecy.

What ever you decide, I wish you well

CW for the second time in a week, we may be about to have a difference of opinion.

While your opinion is welcomed in an open forum, would you appreciate for one second the mental pressure that Split is under. All I have done is offer guidance and advice. Ultimately it is none of this is my business.

Your use of the "hate to read of another CG doing the equivilant to your partner" is irritating me to say the least. Your story is your story, mine is mine and Split's is Split's story. Why are you reading his story and feeling the need to hate what he is doing. He is not your husband, if he was, that would be a separate matter all together. We all come here for our own reasons, for some there is no support network, and this is the only outlet they have. None of us know the person that is sitting behind a computer screen, contemplating god knows what, god knows when. And your assumption that Split is taking his wife for a mug!!! I really really thought about this before typing it...But seriously. Please remember that all situations are not similar to your own situation. And words have an affect...

Julie

Whatever the CG's intention the feeling of being taken for a mug once it all comes to light is a very common theme on f&f though. I'm not stupid but Mr L ran rings round me and for me realising that was one of the very hardest things about the whole mess.

I know advice to come clean isn't what people want to hear but I can't think of one person who has followed it who has regretted it whatever the eventual outcome.

As a matter of interest there is a thread on Overcoming asking for success stories from those who have sorted out the mess they are in successfully without their other halves ever becoming aware there was a problem. To date there are no replies.

Wow, logged in and seen lots of posts. Thank you all for taken the time to reply and post.

its not that I disagree with some of you al together its not that clean cut. I can understand your points about me telling the truth for my own help. It would be hard at first for god knows how long. But would feel like a release and hopefully we could rebuild stronger. Plus its the moral thing to do.

However many have said the same. And it is very different when your living it 1st person.

I dont think we will ever agree fully on the matter but i still welcome your views and ask that you continue to post on my thread should you wish.

My reasons are that I know that it would massively hurt my partner. I dont want to do that. There is of course the part that i don't want to lose her or think bad of me.

But the main reason is it would crush her. She hasn't done anything to deserve this. The pressure of all that debt, the worry, the depression of it all. Sure she may be supportive, and help after the anger goes.

Lethe you mentioned a few month ago that doing it this way takes away her informed decisions. Indeed it does. Its something I have thought about a lot. Hence how i can quote it of the top of my head.

She is indeed clueless to it all. (Not trying to sound clever!) But I look how happy she is. I know how much i love her. And I know that I will pay back all these debts myself. Why hurt her? It would be nice to come clean. Sometimes I feel like i am losing my mind. But its a price i feel I have to pay. I dot feel like i have the right to worry her with this mess i created.

I understand that will make some of the people on here that post very angry. but as Julie put it, every situation, reltionship etc is different. No one on here will understand how much i love my partner, she's beautiful, so loyal and faithful. Clever and funny. Even with gambling aside i dont deserve her. But i do want to make her happy. Not sad. I will not share this with her. Its just something i have to do myself. I am glad i have this outlet. I wouldn't know what to do if i didnt.

I wanted to post on here and got a little side tracked. The last few days I have felt very low. Thoughts of suicide again. And then very high and happy. Bipolar or what?.

I dont know if its my views on money. Or the debt and looking at how long it will take to pay back. Now in a few months time about 3months. I will find myself at a bit of a crossroads. Its a nice place to be but I have a couple of choices. All which involve being gamble free of course.

So I have talked about how i will be £550 a month better off. And its something I am very fortunate to have. At that point (September) I will have about 10k worth of debt down from the original 12.5k. The minumum payments of that debt total £250 every month. And I could continue to pay it ,it would take a massive 40 months to pay.

I could use all/ or some of the extra £550 to pay the debt off a lot quicker. But have little quality of life. Or continue to just do the minimum repayments and live a good life as if i wasn't being punished for gambling.

The latter makes me feel better. But i worry about needing to buy a bigger house to start a family years down the line. The arrangement of £250 will stay on my credit file for 6 years once the debt has settled. If I take the 40 months to repay that's 10years where I may not be able to get a mortgage and provide the right home for my family.

What do i do?

Do I strike a happy medium. Its something that I am really interested in peoples views. I dont know whats best. And its effecting my mood on a daily basis thinking about it. I need a plan in order to pay back this debt and I think I will feel better having that focus and clear goal.

Its a far cry from the struggling of just getting by each month at the moment. But its nice to look forward and think of. Its helping for now.

Today was day 76--- debt is @ £10,900 from 12.5k have paid back 12.8 % in 76 days.

Hi split

I hope you realise that all the people encouraging you to open up genuinely have your best interests at heart and I strongly reject any suggestion to he contrary. I think you know this as you are not cutting off these voices (fair play).

I re - read your diary and it's quite a painful read. I'm desperate for you to cling on (and until you open up, clinging on is all you can do).

Have you availed yourself of any counselling? You regularly talk about imprisonment and it reads like you are being imprisoned by your shame.

People will say 'don't be hard on yourself ' but until you can unlock that shame it's difficult to realise this.

The shame is an emotional response which IMO can't be 'thought through'. You need release.

As you seem committed to this worrying path of not opening up (which I have previously posted about their being no success in this route whatsoever) then there's no reason why you can't avail of individual or group therapy, is there?

This might give you some release.

I appreciate you've created a story that you 'can't' tell loved ones (if your partner was having regular suicidal thoughts and in inner turmoil - would you want to know and help)? So please reach out for extra help.

Louis

Hi again

Throwing everything you can at the debt and leaving yourself short for treats can be triggering in itself so it's not necessarily the best move. If you want to pay it off quicker how about putting in an extra £50 or so a month and seeing how that goes? If you don't miss it you could up the figure and see where the comfort level lies. Alternatively you could make extra payments on an ad hoc basis. I don't think inventing pressure to keep up a certain level of repayment over and above the existing payment would necessarily be a good thing. If you're keeping to the agreement the creditors can't bother you. Mr L still has a gambling related loan from a few years back running. It annoys me when I think about it (ie every time a payment goes out) and it could be paid off now but they were awkward over his DMP so they can wait.

Try not to worry about what's down the line. All the time you're not gambling the debts are resolving even if progress seems slow.

Hi split ,

Paying the minimum doesn't effect your credit score , so basically if you only pay the minimum for x amount of years your credit file will read the same as if you payed the agreement in full every month , asking as you stick to the minimum payment schedule that is , remember always pay yourself first and don't put yourself in financial hardship, work out what you need to live a comfortable standard of life i.e. Eating every day and having a few luxuries and then a***s what you can pay out of what's left. That is standard practice amongst borrowers ,

Moving on the guys above have given you some pretty solid advice that being doing this alone is like trying to walk yourself to Australia,

Why walk when you can fly? What I mean by that is reaching out and asking for that lift. Don't be prisoner to yourself liberate the mind . Speak with your partner , counsellor, anyone . It's actually a great feeling sharing with people because that's when addiction becomes weak ,

So what I'm saying is forget about the debt , concentrate on untangling the web and speak up

All the best

Deano

I would add that the debt is just a distraction, a smoke screen. It seems to take up a lot of time, thought and energy whilst distracting from what needs to be done about the addiction to placing a bet.

My husband apparently had sound reasons for keeping quiet, told himself amongst other nonsense that he had to protect me. I would have preferred to know that such relationship as I thought we had was actually built on a foundation of lies. And for him, the secrecy enabled the gambling to continue without scrutiny.

Honesty is a cornerstone for real recovery. Uncomfortable short term but as Deano said, you can't walk (on water) to Australia.

CW

Good on you Split, the reason I say that is that your taking responsibility of the debt you accrued and then split about the future. Hence quite an appropriate name. Your debt is going down, albeit slower that you want, hai ho addicts are not renowned for our patience. But Split, your struggling, your debt is going in the right direction, so keep it that way, learn to walk before you can run and use this extra income for you and Mrs, if it does manage to accumulate, well happy days and the loose lessons.

Also a good on you, that you've kinda got that in what ever capacity that every one is in your corner. That's admirable, you've realised early that your the one in the arena but with a following willing you on, with both arm round the shoulder support or saying as it is ' tough love ' . Yet, which ever one it is, it always come back round as honest is the springboard and I think is possibly one of the main reasons why your so up and down. The Up, because your taking responsibility and building gamble free days up, and the Down because your carrying a secret, which in other words is a guilt in shame wrapping paper...

Wow guys. Once again i didnt expect so many replies. It was nice reading all of that and certainly has given me some food for thought. I was driving back from work an thought i cant wait to get back and post.

I feel I could tell my partner if only i didnt have the debt. I would want to tell her. But its all or nothing. I would have to tell her the lot. The debt is a result of the gambling and to tell her i have a bad gambling probelm would have to be followed by for example .. Look at the debt. I cant pick and choose with it.

Just the thote of telling her has got my arendline pumping here.

Am just not ready yet guys. I know many may view it as something ur never ready to do. It just has to be done. One day i am sure i will tell her. And she can read over this diary to see all of my posts and ups and downs.

Yes I agree I need a release. Its not healthy and i dont function like a normal human being. This forum is really helping. Its the only output i have.

Its irrelevant really but just wanted to clarify my financial position.

My credit rating is shot. And will be for many years. I am on payment arrangements with my credit cards and loans etc. it's where they freeze all interest, further spending and set an amount each month that is affordable to your situation. But within a few month i will be a lot better off each month. 2 arrangements come to an end. And I receive a payrise from my job! The debate was what to do with all the spare. I feel I am going to go somewhere down the middle. Split it 50/50 on the debt. And the other on let's say lifestyle improvement!

Anyways that's a while away yet.

Back to the present day and its still really raw! Put £10 in my car and swear that petrol gauge didnt move. It has to last til friday. Have £3 to my name. My missus has £2. Both had enuf fuel for work. And tea is sorted for tomorrow night. Its just baits for work and tea on thursday. Then some breathing space. The missus gets paid on friday. Phew!

Nearly there for this month. One more to go.

June and july's pay will be used for spending money for our holiday. Am so very fortunate of that happening. I really look forward to it. I just hope I have enough to enjoy ourselves.

Bough a ring on tick a few months ago. Dunno how i got the credit as got rejected a few times. Its hidden in the loft. She won't go there because there's spiders. Haha. We have been together 10 years and both turn 28 this year. On hoilday i intend to propose. This hoilday is going to be the start of a better life! And the struggles leading up to it will just make it all the better.

Finally i just wanted to say. I know i talk a lot about my debts and the hardship that comes with it.

I get urges most days. Its the sratchcards mainly. They are everywhere and its the jackpot mentality that i struggle with.

The subject of this diary was calle last chance for a reason. I have come so close to losing everything. I will not gamble again.

I kno I may of suprised some by doing it alone to date. I am not trying to be clever when I say that. I just want people to understand how ugly it can get. I would never listen to advice of those that told me gambling was horrible. I always thought my gambling was different. My loses where unlucky and i didnt have a probelm as bad as others. I wish i listened! I wish i acted.

If I don't stop gambling for good i know I am going to end up dead! I really am. I have a lot to look forward to in my life. And it kills me to see the damage i have done. I will come back from this!

Thanks again guys

Hi split :)).

I'm not here to judge you mate despite how this is going to sound but if you guy's have been together for 10 years then you must know each other pretty well by now , so I have to ask why you feel so strongly about not telling her about your gambling ? .

I saw in an earlier post that you thought " It would crush her " if you told her but would she feel any better knowing that you'd kept it back from her when you do decide to come clean ? . Your going on holiday where you intend to propose to her and although I wish you every happiness , is that fair to begin that sort of commitment without being honest first and then will you tell after the proposal or before the wedding or after ?.

I know your in a mixed up world of emotions just now and as many of us on here have felt , it would be great if someone could wave a magic wand and make everything all ok but it takes a while to see results my friend.

All of your emotions I've lived through and indeed when I came here 18 months ago I was at a point where there seemed little point in going on and I know how dark and lonely place that is , sitting down with my partner and my grown up kids was the hardest conversation I've ever had and like yourself had no idea of what the outcome would be for me , thankfully , although shocked at what I'd been up to for many years were all still together and continue building that increasing bond everyday , I don't have a magic looking glass , so can't say in certainty what will be your outcome , there's nothing wrong in doing this alone and infact I've also only ever used this place for external support but to have those you are closest to fighting alongside you and giving support is a huge weapon in you fight against this addiction as it gives addiction knowhere to hide its ugly mug .

The truth is there's Never a good time to tell but in the last 18 months I've seen countless others flourish because of that act of honesty , they'll be much hurt , sadness and anger directed at you but with honesty will come much pride in yourself.

This Gambling thing just messes us up completely , we end up not knowing which way to turn and what to do for the best and I fully know how your feeling right now , so please don't think of this as having a go or judgement on you , I know your like us all on here Good people , who took a wrong turn somewhere along the way and I'll end by saying It's totally your call on how you handle things as I know there's never a good time but trust me " It will get better " My friend :))

Best wishes

Alan

Thank you Alan.

I stopped gambling because of the impact on my life. Mainly my finances. And not to sound shallow but it was the money that made me stop at first.

I understand its other factors that I have missed out on too. Years of mood swings, years of missing out on things, cancelling events because of lack of funds.

No hoildays, no clothes no memories made all because of gambling. I did poor in my degree because of it. And have lacks motivation in other factors of my life because of it.

The time alone spend gambling, the endless loan applications, or constant re-jiggin of finances.

These are all things i have suffered and lost because of gambling.

Despite all of this the one thing i am most scared about is losing my partner.

Am really scared. Her finding out is some form of motivation to keep going. And I know it shouldn't be that way. I know it should work the other way round.

Thank you to all of you on here that have taken the time to post. I dont want you to feel like i am just dismissing your advice. Its actually something i think about in great detail everytime someone mentions coming clean.

But I am really scared.

For now I am doing really well. It still hurts everyday. I still want to be free of this thing. I will continue on as I have been.

Finally i just wanted to add. What if i didnt ever tell my partner. What if i stayed gamble free and paid back all my debts. What difference would it make her knowing. I have to do this myself. It will be harder granted. But it will make me stronger. I cant use other people. It has to come from me!

I will promise that one day I will look back at this post. Gamble and debt free!

Off to work. Finish at 6

Morning Split :)).

It was the money side of things that got on top of me if i'm honest , life became so unmanageable with the constant Juggling of funds and " Robbing Peter to pay Paul " but whatever it is that makes us finally wake up Has to be a good thing right? .

As I said last night I'm not here to shout and Holler at you and I'm not in a position to judge what you consider the right thing to do , it's your choice Split and I wish you well and hope things work out for you .

All the best for now and I'll catch up with you soon :))

Alan