last chance

Just one quick question. Not to have a go but a bit more food for thought.

You're juggling loans, applications, debt arrangements. Those things alone generate a paper trail not to mention bank statements, casino offers (they will come even if you've self excluded),always having to remember to lock your phone.

How do you think it might go if she stumbles across the secret by chance?

Thanks Alan and Lethe.

In response to your question Lethe. Indeed she may one day find something that incriminates me.

As a gambler i have become a very good lier. I dont say that with any sense of pride. But the truth is that my creativity and stories i have used over the years have been that good that I have started to believe them myself.

Of course my luck may run out and I could get caught. I cancelled every paper style bill and opted for communications very emails only. This includes my bank account. I regularly delete my history on my phone. Including after using this website. It is a quite well thought out process. But indeed your question does worry me.

Its 04:25 in the morning as i write this and I will be leaving for work in 10 minutes. The pain i still feel everyday is horrible. I understand I have went on and on about the same things.

When driving, eating, working and in bed. My head is doing constant sums. Adding up all my outgoings and hoping that I can make it till the 19th of June. In addition i am growing worried that I will not e able to save enough from June and july's pay for my Hoildays. I really worried about this. The hoilday has no transfers, no food and nothing included in it what so ever other than a plane and a hotel room.

I was feeling ok the other day as today is the last day of struggle. My partner gets paid tomorrow. I received a response from one of my loan companies that told me they only offer reduced payments for three months. No longer. How is that to help my situation. They are being really arkward about me explaining the money hardships.

Off to work now. Will be adding them bills up as i drive. As always hoping i get a different answer.

Cheers!

Hello Split, funny enough it's 04.40 here, so the time difference is minor.....

It's obvious that you think the world of your Mrs and speakly highly of her. Has playing away away ever crossed your mind ? I'm thinking because ofyour fondness the answer would be no! So, read again your response to Lethe....

The going over sums over and over again is futile, yet as I write that I can only say I emphasise for you as it's still something I struggle with, but does get easier when you realise that you can only do your best and it's not in there interest to chase harder if you communicate. Advice on stepchange will be futile as I know you will dismiss as it may reveal this cloak of secrecy from your Mrs. So, it's coming from all angles.

Your treading water, dry land is ahead but only you can reach it with the life jackets thrown your way

Sacred is a feeling that consumes us, and fear controls our actions. I wish I could tell you not to be afraid, that it was all going to work out, but they are just words on a page. That is my wish for you, so I am feeling it and sending it to your world.

The worry, please stop adding, subtracting and calculating bills. The brain is wired that it can take so much, and one day the switch trips, just like it does on a electricity circuit board. I have seen people and sat with the, for whom that switch has flicked. The damage has been done then. Split we get one crack at this life, just one, it doesn't matter that we would change things if we could, start living, stop worrying. Worry does nothing.

I have asked myself a question, this week. If I was your partner and you were in this deep with debt and gambling, and you didn't tell me, how would I feel. Heartbroken!! And so sad. I am not saying that to guilt trip you, you don't need anymore guilt, you need support and care. That is also on offer anytime you need it. But as a woman, I would ask myself how are we supposed to move forward through life's obstacles, if you cannot share this with me. But that is me, I would want to know, I am a fixer, and a doer, and understand that we are all ordinary human beings, who make mistakes. I have made a few clinkers in my time....stuff that has changed my life.

Just be gentle with yourself, do the best you can. All we can ever do is our best.

Julie x

Volcano- am sorry i dont understand your question or statement. Has playing away from home? The answer is I have never been unfaithful in that sense i my partner. However i dont understand if that's what you where asking or if I have just missed the point altogether.

Everyone on here is saying the same thing. Fess up. And I have took all your comments on board. Its tearing me in two to be honest. Everytime i read another 'tell her comment' how would she feel comment' its getting on top.

And i do know you all mean the best. And thank you. Its just adding to my guilt. I know it is wrong to gamble and did the things I did. I know its wrong not to be honest. You have all asked some really differcult questions for me to answer. The type of questioning that really pulls at the emotional side. Putting meself in her position.

I hope i dont sound like i am making this an agruement. I am just documenting my feelings. And being honest ( well at least on here!)

I need to express how i feel. I think its really important to keep a healthy mind. I dont or have choose not to have any other outlet.

I dont want to give my partner a reason to hate me, be upset at me or be angry.

I know that she loves me. And i think she would stay by me if she knew everything.

Despite this, after ten years of a very loving reltionship i still get insecure. Suffer from low self esteem. Its all down to gambling of course.

I try to balance everything you all have said. And the fact i have failed so many times at this horrible addiction. It would be easy to see why I should tell her.

I am so annoyed with what I have done. I still dont understand what makes a person lose all that money. Despite pressing bet on my phone and at the same time shouting out i want to stop, I want to stop. Hence the name split. Or spilt personality. Its like a battle in my head. Sense vs addiction.

Will someone please answer this question directly?

What if i paid back all my debts and never gambled again. Would telling her, causing all that heartache be needed.

I know its a bold statement. And I know you all want me to succeed. But i dont feel that many feel like i can. I believe in myself. I know how hard its been living this nightmare day by day.

I will not gamble again. Yes yes I have said it before. But I cant explain how hard its been. I have never cried the way i have. Never felt so low. Still talked about suicide even after being 3 months clean. This is usually a raw feeling i feel after. Not 3 months down the line.

I will beat this addiction, I hope I can do it in the way i want too. And if tht makes me lier, then that is what I am.

I dont think anyone can relate to a gambling addiction. She wouldn't and couldn't understand. I dont even understand. I really want a good life for myself and her. And intend to get it.

I have had enough of gambling and its misery. It's taken from me all my adult life.

thanks again guys. And hope i don't offend any of you. I really do like that you take the time to reply!

Tomorrow is day 80

Ps Julie once again your advice really gets there!! I will try to stop worrying. You always make me emotional and I feel better when reading you advice

Sorry Split, it's the way I articulate myself. I was comparing having a gambling secret to being unfaithful. The guilts the same, but your mistress is gambling and not someone in 3D.

There's lots on gamcare routing for you and understanding, but, my friend it's starts with you. And possibly we chaps are not renowned for our multi tasking, so the first step is not beating yourself up. Your a good chap, you foooked up, neither the first or the last......

ps, to expand. My ex use think I was playing away or she thought it was her. She never knew that I was wracked with guilt with what I was doing to her with invisible sucker punches, as I was there but not there. So despite thinking it was I going nuts, it was really her as she knew I wouldn't play away and she just blamed herself for my absentness...... Your leading two lives, ones enough and manageable

Hi split :)) In answer to your question " If I paid all my debt's back and never gambled again " it's a " What if " Scenario , in an ideal world if most of us Cg's on here had thought we could have got away with it as a viable option we'd have jumped at the chance .

I'm not saying you couldn't do it but if your anything like I was and I think you most certainly are , then carrying all the guilt and juggling the mixed bag of finances and repayments is going to be very difficult to sustain over a long period of time , I've said before that ultimately your choice and all we as fellow CG's can offer is advice on how it was for us and no more and really , what you then choose to do with that is down to you .

I've had all of the suicidal thought's that youv'e mentioned and that's what ultimately brought me here and looking back to how I felt then , I don't think any of us actually want to go through with it , all we truly want is the pain to go away ?.

I can't begin to tell you how much of a better place I'm in now 18 months on but I'm not sure how or even if I could have covered everything up and continued along the path I was on without complete honesty and I'm not just talking about "Fessing up " but the honesty to myself that I'd been lacking for so long .

I started on here about the same time as a good friend of mine on here did " Oldham " KTF ( Martin to his mates ) 🙂 I'm sure he won't mind me metioning it but when he told his partner that didn't end so well , however even tonight in a post to another forum member he still maintains it was the right decision , so maybe take a look at his diary for some guidance ? .

I know you want someone to come along with all the answers and wave that " Magic wand " , which is kinda what we all would like but there is no easy fix for us , it took us a fair while to become what we are and to create the mess in our wake and it's not going to be put right overnight but ttrust me , one way or another It will get better and were all here to keep chatting away whenever you feel the need :)) x

I have made myself emotional today...If that is any consolation for you. I too, the great Julie of the wise people, is struggling today. I will be fine, as you will be.

Try and consider this as an experiment. And know you are not one of my lab projects, work with me here!! :). For 1-4 hoiurs, between now and Monday, I want you to make a commitment not to worry. That is a mighty hard thing to do when you mind is racing, and counting and covering your tracks. When you go to worry, I want you to sing Stop right now, thank you very much by the Spice Girls....I am slightly older than you, so you maybe going, "she wants me to sing what!!!!!" It can be out loud or to yourself, it makes no difference...You Tube it....run with me on this one....I think you can do it...It is not to prove some big point, I want to guide you to some relief from the worry....I am worried about you worrying.....And when I worry for you, that is real genuine worry....So take that on......if you can and if you want to....Worst case scenario you cannot do it, but I can help with that, best case, you get 60 minutes plus of relief.....

I really thought about you this week, and I know life is going to turn in the direction you need it to....Self confidence....Can I let you into a little secret, until I was 27 plus, I could never look at myself in the mirror...I didn't know who the person was that was looking back at me.....I couldn't look anyone in the eye, and always felt one down....That changed, through support, love and kindness from friends and supporters...Today, I am not the most self confident and still have crisis of confidence, today is one of those days.......Tomorrow may be better......It will be okay....Repeat after me (your gonna sack me off soon) It will be okay....you are okay!!

Julie x

Hey Split , youv'e gone a bit quiet , so I'm just checking in to make sure your ok ? .

Talk to you soon Buddy :))

Just checking in, so when you arrive back on here, you will know I was thinking of you. Hope all is okay..That is the one frustrating thing about diaries, you never know away from the diary, how people are. Have accepted that, but just wanted to say hey anyhows..

Take care.

Julie x

Hi, I made a post on here about four days ago. It was all very positive and really reflected my mood at the time.

Unfortunately my mood isn't so positive at the moment. Well its worry and anixety more the negativity.

I got paid today £1805 after tax. Brilliant! I am already wondering once more how on earth I will make it till my partners payday on the 19th of June.

Its upsets me as I believe my wage is a really good one. And yet despite still being gamble free i sit here on payday thinkin I have nothing left.

Positives at the moment are, a week of work. Even if I cant go anywhere or do anything.

Its the last month i will have to do this!! I paid my final installment on one of my arrangements. This was a loan I had for 5 years and fell into arrears with because of gambling.

And I have started weight training and eating right. Holiday is 8 weeks away. Also my missus got a some clothes for her and i when she got paid this month.

So in some parts I am living a good life free from gambling.

The bad is, I have once again £6 till last me to my partners payday. Also I cant afford to give my dad any payment this month. I haven't told him yet.

Last month was the hardest by far i sold possessions and to be honest really have nothing left to sell. Am massively concerned how we will make it. I dont know what to do. £200 would get is by. And I think of all the times I have been dissappointed with money of that amount. So I have gambled it to try and win more.

The view maybe my partner shouldn't of bought clothes but we got a lot out of primark! (Great shop thanks!) and to be honest i cant remember the last time i bought clothes! Mad isn't it!

I still ask why I did this. The moment i buried my head in the sand. I knew it would mess me up as I was spending the bill money. But it was a self destruct button, as if i wanted to be caught. As if i wanted to make it worse for myself.

I certainly have but the light is at the end of the tunnel. In 20 days time i feel the hardship will be over finally after what will be 110 days gamble free. I will still have to continue to pay back these debts for years but at least life will be better.

These last three month have really taught me a new respect for money. Before I didnt have any. I can honestly say i do now.

Finally I had a few moments when popping in to a local shop. Them sratchcards looking right at me. I thought of the mess i am in. The progress i have made and having to start the day counter again. I didnt gamble. I just took a moment And before I knew it I was out of the shop in my car and on with my day. It would of ruined my mood and i didnt let it.

Once more here is to asking the universe! I am doing all i can, please show me a way I can make it. I dont care how differcult it is please show me the way to make it till the 19th.

Today is day 91!!!

Split, I don't know what to say to you. I don't want to come across as blunt, because there is nothing further from the truth. But sometimes the universe is trying to tell you something. You got paid £1805 and you have £6 left. Never mind about the clothes etc. But there is no way that you should have cleaned yourself out to this level, and paid everyone what they got. I think I mentioned to you a few weeks ago, that life cannot work that way, and food, and the basics always have to come first. Always. It is as if it is a self punishment for getting yourself into the mess your in, that you had to pay everything out. Your making life too difficult for yourself. Life should never ever ever be this hard. Ever. It is done now, so not a lot you can do about it. When I am going to sleep tonight, which is pretty soon, I will ask the universe to send a miracle. Look out for it. It will arrive, have faith. We have spoken in the past Split about the switch and the mind being a very complex thing. Don't put it under too much more pressure, will you!

Please take this in the spirit in which it is written, a very caring spirit from one who is only putting their life straight now!

Julie xx

Hi Split :)).

My opinion on your situation hasn't changed buddy , youv'e just ended that last post with the word's " Please show me how I can make it " and " I don't care how difficult it is " ? , then if you truly don't care and want this to stop You have to come clean with your missus ! .

Your worrying yourself silly and your in such turmoil trying to juggle everything around to stop the wheels from falling off , that if you keep this up your health is going to suffer big time . I hate to be the one sounding all " Doom and gloom " but your debt is like mine and many other's and isn't just going to go away overnight or anytime soon and if it's as bad as you say then you need a proper debt plan in place so that your able to live reasonably, as well as making the repayments every month .

Even after getting to the 19 th ,it still has to be doable for however long it takes Split ? and to make any sort of progress with this then you need your partner onboard with you , otherwise it's just gonna keep grinding you down mate ? .

You said maybe she shouldn't have bought the new clothes but why not ? , She doesn't know whats going on and as far as she's concerned everythings ok , is that fair ? .

I'm talking from experience and I understand full how hard a thing it is to do , sitting your partner down and telling them that " Sorry love , I effed up " but put it in perspective at the end of the day it's just money , you made a mistake but you haven't commited an horrendous crime .

After all this doomy bit , I'll now tell you that things will get better , much , much better and all this pain and turmoil your feeling will ease but you have to start with honesty , to those you love and also to yourself my friend .

I know this post won't come accross well and if you don't want me to post to anymore I won't be offended split and you'll always have my support but I can't dress it all up in cotton wool Split , it's not easy but I have all the faith in the world that you can achieve what you want to in life , you just have to want to enough.

Look after yourself mate :))