last chance

Day 101- work really takes a lot. But since I stopped gambling i feel I have more to give. Still weight training. And really showing some dedication in my life. It makes me feel good. It was really differcult today but somehow I turned my working day around. I feel good about myself, my job and things in general. Yep its not perfect but happy moments shining through!

To anyone reading this. A better day will really come. I never thote it would not. I read dairies of people who turned there life's around. I didnt see how it could be me. Struggling to pay for food every month. Yes am I still 10.5k in debt. But can afford to pay each month and live a little. Its took ages to feel like this. No more regrets!!! I hope u can read my diary and its helps!

Well done on reaching the century club .

Deano

Thanks deano!

Aww, day off work! Day 103!!!

Everyday I feel like i am winning. The scars are still there dont get me wrong. And I look at the mess i have created. But I can see how i am improving my life very very little.

Its beening able to do other things. Having the time, not having moodswings. It not beening on my mind at least every single night.

i always hated that feeling of losing all of my wages and waking up the next day feeling sick!

I didnt want to go anywhere or do anything. And it made me feel worst!

I would spend what little time i had off from work trying to organise my debts. Hours and hours on the phone. Its nice to have a day off!!

Its debt will always act as a reminder. And it does get on top sometimes. Its coming down. Slowly but its coming down. I, like many gamblers have never had much patience. Always wanting something now! Quickly!! I feel patience is a lesson i will have to learn in order to be happy. This applies to many areas of my life not just finanical.

i cant say for certain why this time is proven to be such a success! I feel that its finially clicked that I will add and add to my debt if i don't stop.

Like many i would try to win back, and just kept adding to it.

For anyone who is struggling i would say keep telling yourself you cant win. I know it sounds silly. But keep saying it. I dont just go through the motions. Feel every word. Back it up with evidence of all the times you have lost. And the mess and heartache it has caused you.

Everytime I have failed at trying to stop. Its because my mind would be thinking of winning.

If I gambled today and won, it wouldn't matter. I couldn't leave it at that and would end up giving it all back plus more.

So seriously guys, if your having thoughts think of this- you win, you give it all back plus more. And you know you will do this.

Or you just lose!

I think of all the people how gambling just doesn't bother them. They have never had a bet, never won anything! But have never lost! How amazing it must be for them! They dont realise it, but it must be great!!

Stay strong everyone!

Hi Split, I haven't posted on your diary before but have read it and posts on other peoples and the feelings and thoughts you have are very familiar. Also like you I haven't told anyone in 'real life' as I know a I couldn't cope with my family knowing. But I did step into the unknown and set up counselling. So well done on day 103 amazing!! Let's keep going and find the peace of mind and happiness we all deserve. Take care S 🙂

Sharon, thanks for the post. And i hope the counselling works for you. I think its important to talk about it to someone. To have an outlet. And to be able to reflect. Its one thing I am grateful for is this site. Where I can do all that. For some counselling really works. I wish you all the best.

Its 4am. I start work soon. I wanted to talk about mindset. And how powerful the mind is.

Its certainly something i feel that if we can all learn to use we can benefit a great deal from. Its a werid thing is our minds. We are in control of it. But sometimes we just let it do its own thing.

Beening positive has always been one of my strongest points. I know my dairy is very dull and quite the opposite. But on the whole i am a positive person overall. I of course like anyone have my negative moments.

Its the ability to look ahead, take the positive out of every situation, however small. And just getting on with stuff that has really helped me.

I urge you all, and I am too to let out the negative, talk about it. But then forget it. Its hard, i struggle to. But lately i keep looking towards a positive future and it helps me more to think about that than all the bad things.

Like the fact i am up at 4am, really tired and dont want to go to work.

Instead I think of what I will have to eat, completing certain tasks. And think about driving home later. I encourage you all to try it!

Have a good day everyone!

Thanks for your kind words and a thought provoking post, I guess at times when you think there is no way out just need to take day at a time, take care S 🙂

Interesting that you encourage people to 'talk'. Just as long as it's talking to no one you know? Type thing?

If you're really positive, why can't you utilise this inherent positivity to stop being deceptive to others - in relation to your secret?

It strikes me that by keeping a secret, you show a very negative bias towards people - and assume people will think the worse.

We see of others how we see ourselves. Right?

Ouch! This is pretty harsh, but I respect your opinion I personally don't want to tell anyone for a few reasons but mainly because I feel it's my mess and I need to sort it. Also as everyone is different I for sure know for example that my parents would be absolutely crushed and I don't think I could handle their disappointment But I can see for alot of people telling someone provides great relief S 🙂

Split already knows my opinion on being honest with those you claim to love .

If you continue to keep your addiction a secret that's your choice and your right but if you want to change your life for the better and remain gamble free then you need to be completely honest and transparent which is the polar opposite of what we as compulsive gamblers have alway's done , sure we would all like everything to be hushed up in the hope that nobody's ever aware of what we've been up to ( Oh the shame ) but that's exactly what Gambling wants from us, right ? . It means that if only we know and then decide to gamble again we only have ourselves to justify our actions to , nobody's aware and it'll still remain our dirty little secret ?.

I'll alway's recommend sitting and having that conversation we all dread , surely it's better to be open and honest in the begining rather than being found out when you least expect ?.

I think I'll just leave this here as I feel I have been shot down in flames.......I'm not saying anything is right or wrong just how I personally feel about it Apologies Split S :

Just finished work. So will make this quick. No worries Sharon. People will always have views. And many times they will be different from mine. I understand the reasons people give and must say it is a good arguement of why to tell.

I dont like the one way fits all mentality. I have chosen not to tell my partner or my family.

I did tell a very good friend a couple of weeks ago. But suggested it was now in the past and I haven't gambled in a long time. Kinda true. Depends what you class as a 'long time'.

i am and always will be affected from those actions I took in the past. It will stay with me the rest of my life.

I am strong enough to deal with this myself and i dont see why I should hurt anyone else.

No one expected me to get to 105 days. And no one really believes I can do this alone.

Am not bothered to be fair.

My life is improving. And I will talk to those that i want to talk too.

Yes we need to talk. To someone. Or something. Just not every single person.

Hi Split, yes it isn't a 'one size fits all' situation. Although everyone had the same underlying issue, everyone's way of dealing with it is different. So however we stay GF has surely got to be right for one person but maybe not for someone else. Amazing to be at 105 days, congrats. Take care S 🙂

I totally agree with you Sharon when you use the expression "one size fits all".

We are individuals and as you say what works for one person might not work for another.

I'm not against GA although some people think I am but I don't go to meetings for my own reasons. Some of the 12 steps I incorporate (just basically through wanting be an honest, happier and decent person) and some I don't. If GA works for someone I'm really pleased but I can work my own "program" without being lectured or dictated to.

That may sound arrogant which is not intended but I follow my path on a daily basis and have my own interpretation of "one day at a time". Best wishes, Phil.

Hey Phil,yep finding the formula to keep GF is a bit trial and error so I am open to ideas but I do know telling my family is not an option. Basically anything else that keeps me GF is the right think to do.....For me. Amazing to see you racked up to 492, inspiring, thanks! Sharon

Thanks for the posts phil and Sharon.

Many may view that they do not like my way of doing things.

I understand why. Basically I am breaking the mould. Still holding a secret. And yet succeeding!

cardhue cant be happy in this for me.

People will never support my way of doing things. My example is a very poor one to follow for someone who has a gambling addiction. I dont mean to do it on purpose but my story to date shows you can remain gamble free and keep a sercret.

I get why people wil take a dislike to it. I am not promoting keeping sercrets. This is just how my story goes.

Yes to cardhue. Your comment has annoyed me massively. I have took loads of advice from people on here that I didnt really like.

But thats what its all about. You cant just ask for things you want to hear. I get that. I am open to things.

I just dont get the sarcasm in your post. There was no need for it.

And i dont think you find it interesting at all. I just think u dont like that I am achieving this. And the world continues to think that's nothing wrong.

I will ill example my stance again on the matter.

If you can open up to people. Then good for you. Do it. It makes sense that you are more likely to achieve this when people know your issues.

My story is very different. No one in my family knows my issues. I intend to keep it this way.

Its my life, my choice.

I welcome all views. Just remember I am a human being too. And its hard! Its really hard. Just share in your posts if ya wanna. Dont get nasty.

The shame of it all is of course massive. But I can honestly say people's views or opinions about me isn't the motivation to stay hush!

its the hurt and heartache I will create in so many peoples life's.

Can people see that I am trying to clean it up. So that it can all be better. I am doing this alone aswell which has showed massive willpower.

I cant change what I did. I wish I could. I wish I wasn't a gambler!

But its been hard to accept but its in the past. I cant keep trying to change it. Or try to win it back. Its gone now.

But i can still protect my family from it all.

Yes i do have a heart. My partner an parents mean the world to me. I know they would stand by me. But it would break them. All that remains is the debt. Once that's gone there will be no more scars of gambling. Its going to take about 18 month to repay.

In the meantime life has improved. More time, less stress. No more gambling time and silly stories of where I have been.

the debt has come down to about 10k from 12.5k. I have never me had so many clothes. Getting to do more. Enjoying it all.

I am happy. Please be happy too!

I will