Last time...

Tommy.
Fella welcome and I hope your journey is one that leads to an end in your destructive behaviour. We are all in the same boat and the next punt away from causing ourselves emotional upheaval and financial devastation.
We all share a common life whilst active.
I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP.
periods of abstinence never made it better for me because in truth they were often just the result of funds being unavailable for me to fuel my addiction.
Alcohol has also played a huge role in my life,again the all or nothing gung ho approach adopted.
I hope your counselling helps,please seek all the help that's out there.
Through experience I know that to find a better way to live you have to commit wholly.
The results are a profound difference to that of active gambling.
I wish you well and finally hope you get as much from this amazing forum as I do.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Tommy

Love what Duncan said. We cannot win because we cannot stop. Totally spot on. Hopefully this councelling session will start you on the right path sometimes we have to fall before we can get back up. Lesson learned and full commitment needed.

Good luck!

Sadly I've had my councilling cancelled today, not on my part this time. It's frustrating because I felt ready for it, especially fresh after a massive blip. I was ready to open up. I will try and hold onto my current wanting to face my demons for the rearranged session.

Thanks so much Duncan and BW for commenting so promptly.

'I CAN NOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP' - that's probably the best description of my gambling 'technique' if there ever was one. On the Friday night I went to sleep £300 up. Wake up in the morning relieved I didn't lose any money and just think I'll have a couple more hands (live blackjack is my weakness). A couple of hours later I've lost my winnings and over a grand. To put this into perspective I don't earn a high wage. I'm just grateful I had already paid my rent.

One of the things I find really hard after losing is the thought process my brain goes through afterwards. As in the ifs and buts about what if I did something different at the time. For example I decided to have two hands instead of one at one point, if I hadn't done this I would have had a suited flush on my single hand on my side bet. The amounts I was wagering at this point meant that I would have won big, soul destroying. The same happened when I was briefly on live roulette on Saturday, I miss one spin when I'm doing high stakes and my number comes in. These are the thoughts that tempt me back...the next time I might get lucky etc. It's as if this is meant to happen to draw me back to drain me of everything I have.

My hatred for gambling has run deep for a long time, since I lost my job in a bookmakers (that's another story for later) but it somehow always comes back to defeat me and leaves me in pieces even though I know how much it can ruin people.

I'm grateful I have such an amazing girlfriend but am under no illusion that if this carries on, we will not last.

Tommy86 wrote:

One of the things I find really hard after losing is the thought process my brain goes through afterwards. As in the ifs and buts about what if I did something different at the time.

Hi Tommy - I think this is one of the many ways gambling digs its claws into us. With a simple hindsight, it seems like everything would be just fine if we made some easy alternative choice, or just chanced that extra bet or two. But there's no real truth in it - it seems like if compulsive gamblers (I speak for myself here) will not leave the table until all is lost. Hindsight is just another way that gambling finds to prolong our agony even after leaving the table. It sugar-coats a loss with the sweet idea that we should quickly return to the table to make things right.

I'm glad you've found this site and I wish you all the best in shaking off a bad habit. I'm only 2 weeks gf, but this site has been the reason for that. Reading the diaries helps to counter balance the silly fantasy stories I try to tell myself about gambling.

I'm glad you've got a supportive girlfriend and I hope you stick to the plan. Life will seem so much better without the grind of dealing with losses, what-ifs, guilt and regret.

Take care

Equinox

Thanks for your words Equinox, it's really good to hear people clarifying how this all works. I think we all know that a gamblers mind plays a stupid game of, I could have won if I did something slightly different. Irrational is probably the best word to use to describe these thoughts. The thing is these thoughts aren't real but they are feelings and feelings are real and what makes it a struggle for me and I'm guessing of others.

So with regards to how I'm doing, I've been feeling slightly topsy turvy but I don't think it's just the gambling and huge lose of money that has made me feel this way, it's also the thoughts of why I do gambling in the first place and dealing with those issues. I lost my driving license last year, leaving me with a criminal record which I have another 4 years until it is spent. This holds my work opportunities back no end. Also my mother, my only close relative, was serverly ill this summer and was touch and go and was probably their hardest thing I've had to deal with and still am, as she is struggling mentally as she has done since she had cancer 10 years or so ago. I have no relatives to help me deal with this. I realised yesterday that every month since she was hospitalised in May I have had a few days each month where I have lost control of my gambling completely, culminating in my bad loses in the last month.

I can see quite clearly that my gambling is related to issues going on within my life, this is not to discredit the fact I have an incredibly addictive personality, but there is more to it. As I have had gambling issues long before this year but then that could be easily related to other things in my life I have been trying to blank out and there are quite a few for one man. I'm guessing this will be brought up with my rearranging counciling session tomorrow.

Do others feel the same as me, in that they gamble maybe to avoid the realities of life? It could also be seen as maybe an act of self harm? I don't know...I'm just trying to work things out.

In other news I played squash with a good friend the other night and had a frank discussion with him afterwards, without beers involved, and was really helpful talking to someone close to me in a sober environment. It was nice to open up about my mother as well as my gambling. Talking to people helps. I am also going to sign up to a gym later today which I arranged last night and have a personal training session for the first time. I'm ready to beat this affliction.

I've been reading lots of people's diaries but don't feel I can input just yet because I'm nowhere near having sorted my problem out as I'm only 4 days gambling free and new to the boards. I am reading though and it has made me cry on a few occasions knowing others struggles but at the same time helping me a huge amount. This place is a blessing.

Take care everyone and sorry for going on, it just feels great to write things down even if only for myself.

I went via my mothers on my way to work and there was post there for me, from none other than casino.com offering me a ‘Christmas present’ of free spins. I rather predictably used the free spins as soon as I arrived at work. The temptation to put my own money in afterwards was obviously there, but I resisted. The usual this could be my chance to win big feelings were within but they were ignored. I’m not going to count the free spins as gambling as it wasn’t my own money, making it exactly 1 week gambling free, almost to the minute.

Yesterday I had my first proper councilling session after the initial session a few weeks back of giving an overview of everything. It was actually really good and was great having someone who could simplify things and make me see things differently. I went to councilling for a few sessions a couple of years back with a drug and gambling addiction charity, sadly the counciller then was not great for me personally and it didn’t work out. This time, I am glad to say, there is a great rapport between her and myself and I’m feeling very positive about more sessions and my future. I would advise to anyone struggling to talk to someone, be it a friend or a professional. Put quite simply it helps, a lot. And if talking to one particular person doesn’t seem to help, try another. I wish I did many years ago.

I’ve been keeping active running, working out and keeping busy around the house. This really helps also, releases energy and makes you feel good. The complete opposite or gambling which only brings you negative feelings, at least for me anyway, as I always lose. No matter what!!!

I wish you all well as always and here’s to many more days of us all successfully being without gambling in our lives.

Just self excluded myself from that particular website, remembering that having a website not blocked from me using it has been my downfall before. God knows how many websites I’m self excluded from now. I wish there was an option to block yourself from all of them if you are a problem/compulsive gambler. I’m sure the industry would have something to say about this as they would lose their main income in an instant. They’d lobby the c**P out of our government.

Has anyone seen who the chair of the Parliamentary Group on Betting and Gambling is, none of than the complete [insert expletive] MP Phillip Davies, A class w****r, general bad human being and conveniently was an owner of a bookmakers before being an MP. Currently receiving gifts and money form bookmakers to keep him sweet. He’s an a**e for many other reasons. You couldn’t make this stuff up. Look him up, he’s actually the worst.

Sound like denial / rationalisation / justification to me. You engaged in a gambling activity which on this occasion didn’t lead to more. If someone else buys you an alcoholic drink and you consume it, does that count as drinking?

Better to focus on you, to own what you do or don’t do and to avoid being distracted by the politicians.

You are not your addiction.

CW