Day 2
It can't get worse than I'm feeling now, planned to clear some of my large debt with selling off some stuff I don't need anymore. Part of me thinks the debt is pulling me down into gambling more, just one big win and I could clear this mess.... But I know that's a stupid way to look at it.
Reading some of the pages on here about people and roulette is helping.
Opened up to the Mrs today as well and told her about the issues not only with this but drink, depression etc. It does feel like the gambling is the source of it all..... Is that me just looking to see a problem area so I can find a solution, not sure.
Went out for a drive in the car, then found my mind back to its old ways.... If I stuck £50 on 3,7,9,18,19,26,32 and big on 25 and I went on a run the mess could go away. Need to close that down in my mind.
Welcome Jim
Great start by telling your Mrs
It sure feels good to open up
Have you thought about having any form of counselling?
A lot of members say good things about it. Maybe worth a shot as it seems you have a few demons to work on.
Anyhow just a welcome for now from me
I'll look forward to reading more of your story
Deano
Coming clean is a big step. Next one is to accept what's gone is gone and chasing it will only end as it always does. Can your OH take over your finances and set passwords for blockers now she knows? If the problem is bookies you can now self exclude from every shop in an entire postcode area with one phone call. Details are in the Gamcare information at the top of the forum.
Dean0 wrote: Welcome Jim Great start by telling your Mrs It sure feels good to open up Have you thought about having any form of counselling? A lot of members say good things about it. Maybe worth a shot as it seems you have a few demons to work on. Anyhow just a welcome for now from me I'll look forward to reading more of your story Deano
Thanks for the message Deano, working on getting the counciling booked in. Spoke to someone yesterday and they were really helpful. Not getting carried away but I feel like I have options as long as I stay away from the devil wheel...
Day 3
Felt like s... Last night and went to bed really early, spent some time looking through photos and found a specific one of me and the Mrs from years ago and saved it down to my phone to keep me motivated in the dark times. This morning was a write off, struggled to get out of bed but finally the family got me out, had a wash and a shave for the first time in a few days which seemed to get me going. Spent the afternoon cleaning like mad and haven't really thought too much about having a gamble.
The thought of gambling has been replaced with shame, embarrassment and what I could have done with that money and how I can get back on the suitution. The money's gone so can really do anything about that, the shame and ambarrassment I'll just have to man up and deal with.
The plan....no gambling, don't carry a bank or credit card, find a hobby other than running and stay of the booze. Handy its new year in the not distant future lots of resolutions to make and stick to....
Final words, bye day 3 I ain't going to miss you
Day 4,
Had a shocking nights sleep last night and some very weird dreams, not normally like me but I put it down to my current stress level. After getting up this morning I thought right lets do this properly, spent most of the morning with my boy not thinking about money and kept telling myself to be positive. Then the Mrs fell asleep with the little dude, perfect I'll keep myself busy and actually enjoyed cleaning the kitchen and making it into the spare room to do some exercise. Must have been a while since I was last in there, dust doesn't grow over night.
Touch wood I feel positive today, apart from the last half an hour when there was just me and the Mrs watching TV together. Still don't know what to say or do, trying to make small talk but I know it's all a bit strained at the moment, hopefully it improves.
Some of the advice on here has been invaluable, just keeping my mind positive on something other that how bad my bank balance is, is really helping and the house has never been so clean.
The big challenge will be when I'm back at work at theirs bookies everywhere in the city and work/life stress again but I've got a while before that happens.
Sum up the day in 3 words.... Steady as she goes, that's four but who's counting.
Day 5
Still all good but tomorrow is a big un, going Christmas shopping by myself and then off to my first GA meeting. Lots of temptation but decided I need to aim for my first milestone... 30 days.
A GA meeting will make all this feel real but I just need to man up.
Hi Jim, have a look @ Proudarab's post #27 on his Chapter 2 diary...It's the most recent one I can think of regarding GA.
If I were you, phone & get yourself excluded from any of the areas that you are planning on visiting before you go. Then tuck that photo into your wallet, preferably with some passport sized ones of you...That way, it will be there as a reminder of why you have stopped gambling & instead of cash you just have self exclusion photos to use.
Don't set the milestones too far ahead - One Day At A Time is all you need to aim for - ODAAT
Hi Jim,
I hope your first experience of GA was as helpful as mine was. I look forward to reading about it.
Most nerve wracking experience of my life.... until I got through the doors.
PA
Stay gamble free Jim. Do that then everything else will take care of itself over time. It won't happen over night but you'll be surprised how all of a sudden you'll start to feel better. My last relapse took me a month to get over. The more you relapse the harder you fall, well I do anyway. I'm 53 days gamble free now and on the road to recovery. Stay on it pal.
ODAAT wrote:
Hi Jim, have a look @ Proudarab's post #27 on his Chapter 2 diary...It's the most recent one I can think of regarding GA.
If I were you, phone & get yourself excluded from any of the areas that you are planning on visiting before you go. Then tuck that photo into your wallet, preferably with some passport sized ones of you...That way, it will be there as a reminder of why you have stopped gambling & instead of cash you just have self exclusion photos to use.
Don't set the milestones too far ahead - One Day At A Time is all you need to aim for - ODAAT
Wish I had seen this sound advice before I went shopping today, it would have given me a safety net of some form. Passed 5 bookies on walk to the city centre, never really crossed my mind to go into one. Maybe at last I'm starting to wake up to the realisation that the solution to all my problems are not solved by a black and red spinning wheel. Cheers for the advice ODAAT on the photo, this is a really good idea. 🙂
Day 6
Been one of the strangest days I've had in a very long time....
The Mrs dropped me off about 30 mins walk from Nottingham this morning as I wanted to do the Christmas shopping, can't say I've been to Nottingham much in my life but I remember years ago going to a couple of forest matches with a guy I used to work with so thought this would be a good place to be dropped off. I was focused before hand that today was not going to be one of those days were I spuff a load of money I didn't have and feel like s..t after. So first spanner in the works was soon as I got out the car what's the first shop I see on Trent bridge at the crossing, yep a bookies.
I thought that's a really good place to stick a bookies next to a football club opposite a home fans pub, top marks to the guys that saw that opportunity. I just smiled and carried on walking down towards the bridge thinking one down.
Made it into town and passed 5 of the main steam bookie shops and thought that's some success and celebrated with a coffee and a bacon cob from Greggs, other coffee shops are available but I've got a lot of debt to clear. For the next 3 hours I strolled from one shop to the next and never thought about having a spin on the Devils wheel, maybe because I was too busy trying to find some Christmas socks, a handbag as something useful for the old man. (Christmas presents)
Anyway after 3 hours I'd had enough of shopping so made a move back home, by time I got back had a quick something to eat it was time to make a move to my first GA meeting...
To say I was worried was an understatement, sweating like...... Well something sweaty. Drove the 20 odd miles to the meeting with plenty of time to find the correct address and arrived with 15 mins to spare. The 15 mins wasn't needed because the centre was locked up and nobody was at home. Next time I should check its on so close to Christmas. I'm still planning on going first meet available in the new year, simply because I'm too scared of falling of the wagon.
My thoughts have been weird tonight, I'm buzzing that i made it into town without wasting any money in the pit of doom and it will sound strange to many people who don't gambling but buying real items are far better value for money and a lot cheaper than I remember, my history would be £40 on say clothes, a couple of hundred trying to win the £40 back so I could got home and say I've not spend anything but got something to show for it... Which rarely happened.
Don't get my wrong, I don't want to sound like my issues are gone for good and far far away I know there not, all I'm saying is I can't remember actually enjoying a day out anywhere and not being preoccupied and grumpy about money.
Summary: Another day down,many more hopefully to go.
Day 8.
Yesterday was the first day I hadn't updated my dairy and for some reason it bothered me, not sure why but it did.
The no beer challenge was a challenge yesterday, going into a pub and having a coke and a smile instead of a pint felt weird but felt good especially as I spent the evening playing Turkey rugby in ASDA, soon as I got home the mini me was crying so I laid next to him and we both fell asleep.
After last weeks melt down it was suggested I sit down with a psychologist to see if there is a underlying condition that's made me into the d**k that I've become, a few years ago I would have told anybody that told me to see any professional to go at take a walk but I now know that I don't know better. Sat in the waiting room I though f***k what path lead me here and it all became very real again, finally what seemed like years I was called in to see a really nice fella, I purposely planned to say as little as possible but answer the questions as directly as possible as I wanted a honest option and didn't want to accidentally project onto him my views on what I thought my problems where. I left almost happy because he said I have no underlying mental illnesses and gambling and anxiety was the source of my issues, me saying this is a good thing maybe taken in the wrong way but my thinking is at least gambling is a single issue I can concentrate on now.
So the gambling I have a plan that hopefully I will stick to, the anxiety will be a different challenge its hard to judge as I'm not at work this week but I need to find an outlet that's not playing football, going to the gym or running as it looks like these don't work.... Or work totally.
Overall it's been a good day, I've not gambled so that's what make its it a good day....
Day 9
Another day without gambling, checked my bank balance for the first time since I stopped, f**k it's bad but time will improve this.
Merry Christmas
Day 12...
It's been a few days since my last post, still gamble free but yesterday my mind started to creep back to its old ways again.... Maybe because it was Boxing Day and the footy and the racing was on. Sat on the sofa earlier on thinking I need to make it up to all the people I've let down over the last few years especially my close family. In a sad way I'm looking forward to getting back to work to see if can get to those 30 days GF done in a "normal" surrounding for me.
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