Letting go of the Comfort Blanket & facing my Demons!

Hi Mari, stay strong. Read the start of your diary. Remind yourself why you are here. Have you seen SBB's post about one day catching a glimpse of what the future could be? Have a look at it. Much as I hate being so far behind you and Mix in the day count now....I want it to stay that way my friend. WCAWW. Xx

Day 68

Truly awful day....I was 1 second away from sliding down that black hole yet again! Where the hell did it come from? I've been feeling so good lately, positive, upbeat, enjoying just being alive & gamble free... and yet I find myself googling my favourite game of poison to find a site I'm not self excluded from... all the time telling my self...No, this is silly, don't do it.... but at same time....What harm £20 quid? ....Play £20...Enjoy then self exclude to stop going further? All day....All bloody day....A full scale all screaming all dancing War going on in my head!!! Just at the right moment I got a text message on my phone....That message was from a fellow member here and she unknowingly saved my life..... I will be forever grateful...You know who you are..Thank You.

So what now? Life gets better and I become weak against my addiction? This has really thrown me and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I need a goal.... maybe more of a dream goal... something attainable with determination & commitment... will give this some thought. I need something.

What have the last two months taught me? I'm not a bad person...I'm an addict. I'm a better person when I dont gamble. I'm not alone. The support is there and I'm so thankful. I can feel content, I can sleep. I'm not worthless, I Matter!

I have a friend who believes in 'angels' ... she is always telling me... Mari, speak to your angels, ask them for help, everyone has angels and we only have to ask.... She truly believes that we all have someone watching over us, she's often told me she believes my Mum is my angel.... I wish I could have just a sprinkle of her faith...

I'm doubting myself again ....I don't like this 'me' ....Feels like Day 1.....

Mari x

Mari...I was about at the same days when I slipped. Take it one day at a time. I think the initial euphoria at being able to stop wears off....we think yeh I can control it, one bet won't matter. Maybe it won't, maybe you would be able to stop after one flutter, but it will make you feel like the pits, and you could add to your debt. We are compulsive gamblers, we cannot win, and gambling takes away our self respect. Come on, we are choosing life. You know where I am if you need me x

Daft me, just been scrolling through wondering why I can't find Mari's diary...Can I borrow your handle 😉

I don't think you got weaker against your addiction, you fought it tooth & nail until Rhonda broke your cycle (well done both of you) & you came out safely the other side . It's a bit crazy but when I was floored (days 18 & 91 are printed in my memory although now my clock has reset they mean naff all) by urges I look back @ that time & figure my nemesis, Mr Gamble, was having a few last ditch attempts @ getting me back. You can look @ it 2 ways, like you failed because it happened or like you won because it didn't...I say the latter. We are addicts, the feelings don't just disappear because we don't like them.

It didn't happen by chance: you set up the barriers that you do have, bought yourself some time, got yourself a support group, let yourself be vulnerable & traded numbers. So what that you didn't fight the urges single handedly, no-one said we have to do this alone, if we could, we wouldn't be here for hours & hours somedays, refreshing our browsers to see if anything new has popped up that might add a few watts to our lightbulb or that we feel we may be able to show some support for, we would have stopped gambling years ago when it started hurting us.

Go get your dreams Mari - ODAAT

ODAAT wrote:

Daft me, just been scrolling through wondering why I can't find Mari's diary...Can I borrow your handle 😉

I don't think you got weaker against your addiction, you fought it tooth & nail until Rhonda broke your cycle (well done both of you) & you came out safely the other side . It's a bit crazy but when I was floored (days 18 & 91 are printed in my memory although now my clock has reset they mean naff all) by urges I look back @ that time & figure my nemesis, Mr Gamble, was having a few last ditch attempts @ getting me back. You can look @ it 2 ways, like you failed because it happened or like you won because it didn't...I say the latter. We are addicts, the feelings don't just disappear because we don't like them.

It didn't happen by chance: you set up the barriers that you do have, bought yourself some time, got yourself a support group, let yourself be vulnerable & traded numbers. So what that you didn't fight the urges single handedly, no-one said we have to do this alone, if we could, we wouldn't be here for hours & hours somedays, refreshing our browsers to see if anything new has popped up that might add a few watts to our lightbulb or that we feel we may be able to show some support for, we would have stopped gambling years ago when it started hurting us.

Go get your dreams Mari - ODAAT

Thanks for that ODAAT, I hadn't thought of yesterday as winning but yeah I suppose I did!

Day 69 - Still feeling wary after yesterday's almost slip....I've been sleeping so much better recently but last night was back to the old me... spent the night tossing n turning and berating myself for being so weak...I 100% would have gambled if I hadn't received that text when I did. It certainly doesn't feel like 69 days GF, mentally I'm right back at Day 1.

Had a Hospital appointment today, just a routine check & went as expected.

Was supposed to meet a friend for late lunch after but just couldn't face it...I rang her & cancelled, felt awful doing it and I know this is part of my problem....Self isolation.....I came home and went to bed for couple hours, was so so tired. Fluttering urges still there but I'm coping with them again....I think I'm just so annoyed angry and disappointed in myself, sick of the circle.....Sick of letting myself down, I really thought I was on my way to living with this awful addiction....Will it never end 🙁

On a positive note....Yep positive 🙂 I opened a Credit Union Account with my local branch, I only leave enough in my bank account now to cover usual Direct Debits and withdraw any surplus, I've been putting cash into a jar since I started here almost 10 weeks ago, every time gambling enters my head...I pop £20 into that jar. I counted it this morning and it was a rather nice more than I thought bundle of cash so deposited it into my nice new Credit Union Account...No cards , no online (except balance) no access unless I go in to the branch with ID etc. Perfect! I only ever gamble online. Just need to decide what I'm going to use it for.... Lots of ideas floating around but there's no hurry.

My head may be back to Day 1 but tomorrow is another day...

Huge huge huge thanks yet again to everyone.

Onwards & forwards I go.....

Mari x

Great to hear you sounding so positive again and I hope that you consider planning a nice treat for yourself with the 'gambling urges money pot'. Perhaps a weekend away in a lovely hotel, a meal in a classy resturant or a fashion shopping spree.

You have done so well with your GF days so far, but I realise that the gambling urges have caused you distress. It's not easy to keep on abstaining from something which took over our lives, but abstain we must, for our security, health and wellbeing.

You are right when you highlight the need for a dream goal to focus and work towards. Learning a new skill or hobbie - (check out your local library for a host of ideas). Maybe plan a special holiday or trip to a place of interest. Use your creative talents - (either hidden or realised) for artwork, gardening, cake decoration, community project or volunteering. A new challenge may provide you with a purposeful desire and a passion for life, helping to leave the CG behind.

Mari you reveal yourself every time you post, we each have to find our own path, and look at you on 71...this is working. The soup smells delicious, only had a little taster and seems good. Never done it before, have been messing on for ages with it. Probably won't taste much different to Heinz, but I know what it has in it. Dad and I will have some for tea tonight, and I will leave a bowl in the fridge for him which either he or his carer will heat up tomorrow, so at least I know for two days he has had something with nutrition. It's the 2nd time around with dementia Mari, mum got it in her late 50s, early 60's. Hopefully see you in chat if it is working xx

Morning Mari, well done on your 70 plus days, don't give in you have come such a long way, hope your having a good day x

I like reading your diary silly makes me feel normal for me too having two voices in my head argueing all the time ! Keep smashing it

Two thirds of the way to 100 days!! Well done on fighting the urge! I will be happy once I've come as far as you! The battle is a real struggle Your not only helping yourself your helping others 🙂

Hi Mari, don't be a complete stranger, I miss you x

Mari, I miss you too. Thinking of you xx

Hi Mari. how are you? You've always come across as a warm and caring person, and I believe that you have dealt with life's ups and downs in a positive way. Hopefully you remain GF, but we all have to remember - Life is about the journey, not the destination. Life is for living. We cannot afford for gambling to rob us of our soul.

Of course we get anxious, desperate and dispondant, and at times like this we may feel like gambling is our only friend. But believe me, THAT friend will end up laughing at us, as we are thrown into the gutter - penniless, distraught and full of sorrow.

We all need highs and hugs to get us through the day, which we can hopefully get by reaching out with optimism and joy.

Sending you a sincere pot of encouragement and a massive cyber hug.

P.s. "The sun will shine tomorrow" from the film 'Annie' is the perfect song to put you in the right frame of mind.

Hey everyone....Well it's been awhile since I posted so huge apologies to all.....

Im still gamble free so I suppose I should be happy right? My finances are better than they have been for years and the debt is coming down, all good right? I'm sleeping better, I'm calmer and less affected by the actions of others.....in fact looking sensibly at things remaining gamble free has definitely improved my life so why am I still craving it? Not everyday but often enough that it's getting me down, this is not who I want to be. I've stayed away from the forums, selfish reasons really...I wanted to try erase any thoughts of gambling, shut it away and 'forget'. How foolish. I really should know better, I've spent my whole life shutting away awful experiences & trying to forget....It's got me nowhere....

So no gambling but Ive wanted to....I can honestly say that if I could I would have.... this disgusts me...The fact I have to have the blockers angers me. I'm terrified of spending money....When I do it makes me feel sick. I'm still self isolating.... I make great plans in my head....All sorts of hobby ideas...Get out more...Engage with people....I do nothing. I make excuses. I like being alone. I don't like how it makes me feel.

Not being a slot zombie isn't easy. My head is clear and that's not necessarily a good thing. My health is on a downward spiral and I've been ignoring it for years. Becoming physically unable to do my job last year devastated me but still I was mentally ignoring the reality of my condition. And now I can think of nothing else.....how few years I have left compared to the years I've spent gambling.... time gone ....I've had traumatic awful experiences in my life but I've also had happy wonderful experiences that I'm grateful for, I've lived in 3 countries, in my younger days I've had a bit of glam lol, worked as a Casino Croupier for a couple years, I was also Cabin Crew with a major airline in my thirties, I have two wonderful children & 2 beautiful grandchildren, I fulfilled a long held dream in my forties when I began working in nursing care for Dementia/Alzheimer's sufferer's. I have a lot to be grateful for but.....Here I am....Day in day out still feeling sorry for myself....Still shutting people out....And the slot free brain is feeling every single regret over and over again.

Rhoda - Thank you....your nudge this evening is so appreciated, such kindness humbles me, I don't deserve it.

Mix - You are an amazing human being, your support and wonderful enthusiasm helped me so so much when I first came here, you have helped so many others but you are human my friend....we fall, we get up..... and on we go....Just for today.

My sincere apologies to everyone, so many people disappear from here and it's saddening when you don't know how they're doing, I shouldn't have just run......I need my diary, I won't talk to a human & I know I need to put my thoughts down and get them out so this diary is the next best thing....I can do this here, I can be me here....Safe.

Mari x