Letting go of the Comfort Blanket & facing my Demons!

Hi Mari,

I am well. Cheers for stopping by my diary..I sliced my hand open (not intentionally) with a medical instrument today. And all sorts of other things. I need to update my diary, and I will tomorrow. It has just been a mad one today. I went and spent some money on myself after work this evening. Just a dress and some chino's and a shirt to wear at home. I then went an ordered another pair of Superga pumps, that were on sale.....feels good this saving money to spend on me, rather than pouring it into a machine. Hope all is well with you.

Many hugs,

Julie x

Hi Mari

Thanks for the post on my diary, seems like you're doing well yourself!

Walking dead, just caught up, big fan!

All the best

Day 106

Evening my dear diary, I've been neglecting you a little....I guess that's a good thing kinda, everything is well here and life is ticking along calmly. I visit the forums most days still and that helps keep me grounded.... reminds me why I came here.

How am I doing? I am doing great dear diary! I am going to bed at night smiling, relaxed and feeling good about myself...i spend those few minutes before I fall asleep thankful for my day, thankful for my family, my friends, my home.... and thankful I chose not to gamble.

Adjusting to this non gambling life isn't easy....It's definitely an improvement in every way possible but and this sounds silly...Ive lived so long going from crisis to crisis.... mixing in the gambling addiction increased those times of crisis and i was fast heading towards self destruction but....getting used to the calmness I have now is a strange, I went through a few weeks of feeling pretty sorry for myself....I mean c'mon ....I have so much to be grateful for ....Self pity is such a selfish emotion.

Enough prattling .....How beautiful was that sunshine today!!!

Onwards & forwards I go......

Mari x

Hi Mari.

Just wanted to say a huge well done on making it past the 100 day mark. Hope you treated yourself to something that makes you happy.

Take care and continue to enjoy your g.f life.

Our Lady.

Good morning Diary....And it is indeed a 'good' morning.. the sun is shining....I'm alive & kicking and most importantly gamble free!

Urges still come & go but I'm finding them easier to shut down & ignore, abstinence may not be everyone's idea of recovery but for now it's enough for me....I've read over and over again that it's not possible to 'do it on your own' .... no counselling, no GA etc... general opinion on here seems to be that abstinence isn't enough and relapse will eventually come calling...I don't want to think about that...I honestly can't see me ever being able to walk into a GA room (I wish I could but no point in lying to myself) .

I'm slowly forgiving myself and moving on from the desperate broken woman I was when this year started.... my gamble free mind is allowing me to see the positive things in my life and to cope with the negative without falling apart...I'm letting go of my past, facing my inner demons and dealing with everyday life as it comes....Just one day at a time....

Gambling brought me misery...It turned me into a grumpy short tempered selfish fool who had no time or energy for those I care about, a nasty mean addict with no thoughts of what I was doing to myself or others. It brought me self loathing, self pity and self absorbsence and almost ruined me financially....I was everything I hate in people ....I was a hypocrite in every way possible, oh so good at being two faced and making excuses, blaming everything & everyone else for my desperate life, facing up to these realisations hasnt been easy and is still (and likely will always be) difficult. Work in progress....Or should that be...Life in progress...Yep I like that dear diary....Life in progress!

112 days gamble free!

I wouldn't say I'm 'happy' but I'm in a hellava better place than I was 4 months ago...

Onwards & forwards I go.....

Mari xx

Hi marie

Personally don't think anyone can judge what is enough and what isn't . You're not doomed to failure because you don't go to ga and or have counselling, as much as it pains me to say and no doubt someone will be along to have a go but I'd say the relapses are pretty 50/50 with those who do and those who don't , I think what they get at is you need to make changes you can't live by the same set of rules you did with addiction and expect a different outcome , quite clearly from your post you are making changes your living by a new set of rules , your in a happier place now than you was when you came.

Recovery is a slow and sometimes painful process but the belief is there to see it through ,

Just like me I know there's always extra help out there should I need it .

Have a great weekend

Deano x

Hi Mari. Good to see you continuing to do well. I love your "onwards and forwards I go" sign off.

The difference between abstinence and recovery has been debated on here before, and whilst I agree there's a difference between the two, in these early stages I'm not convinced it's worth getting too hung up on it. Abstinence is a very good start in itself, and without it you can't have recovery. I will say though that it doesn't seem to me that you're taking the path of simple abstinence. As in merely white knuckling your way through and pushing down your emotions......"I'm letting go of my past, facing my inner demons and dealing with everyday life as it comes"....This sounds like there's a bit more going on for you. It doesn't have to be GA (I've never been), it doesn't have to be counselling, but I think there does have to be some recognition of what drives the addiction for longer term success. And I absolutely think people can get to that point on their own. I just wonder whether having some extra input makes it easier? Whatever works for you 🙂 LB x

Hi Mari , a massive thank you for your 100 day congratulations message on my diary.
I'm not too far behind you in days and I agree, it does get easier as the days pass by but it still is one of the first things that comes to mind in my quieter moments, trying to entice me back with thoughts of short lived excitement and so called untold riches. But my oh my, how much better do we feel to be walking along this gf path than when we were falling into the ever deepening hole which we were digging. Long me I continue to stay just behind you in gf days for ever more.
Take care x

Day 1

I have no words...No excuses, No blame, No reasons other than stupidity.

My son stayed over Saturday evening, he left yesterday morning & forgot his phone.

I used that phone to access online slots...Didn't even think about it, just did it.

Half an hour in and £100 gone...Woke up from my coma .. thoughts of what the f*** am I doing, immediately self excluded, went to bed and cried.

Failure

Hey sc. ..
When a child is learning to walk and keeps falling over . .do we say they have failed...or call them a failure....NO ! we don't ...we praise them as they are plodding along...then help them up when they fall. ..they'll get there in the end...and so will you...tighten up those loose ends that enabled you to get to those slots...it can be done love. ...x

SC

The most important thing now is you are back here. You spent £100. Could have been 2, 3, 4 etc.

You are not a failure and please stop beating yourself up about it.

It is now in the past and you must look to your future. Why it happened, how it happened are questions you can answer and make you stronger in the future.

I wish you well and please be kind to yourself. We are all here for you with support - not judgement.

.

I think the fact that you have been so honest is amazing and I totally agree with Loxxie and Bal. You are not a failure - no-one is here and I think Deano's post above is also great. You feel bad but you've been honest and you can move on in your own way. 100 per cent support from me as a fellow recovering CG. Best wishes, Phil.

As the others have said you're not a failure, a failure would be not picking yourself up and going again.

You've come a long way and you should read back your diary to see that.

It is scary how we see a door ajar and jump back in but you realised quickly that what was doing was not going to solve your problems and quickly snapped out of it.

I can see your apprehension with GA and counselling but you'll never know till you give it a go, nothing to lose by giving them a go. I don't know one person who has had second and third thoughts I know I did.

Don't give up on giving up have a read of your diary and take it in don't just skip through it.

KTF

Hello Marie,

The only way you fail is if you stopped trying, if you run a race and come second you haven't failed you just need to improve , unlike most you came back to have another go straight away .

Marie my diary doesn't tell the truth I've been here longer than it suggests. I landed here in 2015 and had my first run of 142 second attempt was 115 there was also a relapse somewhere in between at 50 , a relapse usually tells us we need to do more to overcome the addiction.

The thing about a relapse is it's never quite the enjoyment were made to believe it just makes us feel worse again.

Keep fighting Marie

Deano x