Letting go of the Comfort Blanket & facing my Demons!

Day 24 ....I will not gamble...I will not gamble....I will not gamble...No No No No...Not today, just today I will NOT gamble!

24 days....I will not ruin that...24 days...Keep remembering....I will never win...I WILL lose....I WILL hate myself....NOT today!

Breath Mari.
Play the tape of your gambling history all the way through. You may get a few hours comfort, but it will end badly. Your history tells you it always does, doesnt it?

Keep going M, loving your spirit... I know this isn't easy, but one day at a time, keep going 🙂 🙂 🙂

Hi Mari,

Thank you for posting on my diary!

Wow you are really gone through so many emotions. Hope you are being really kind to yourself.

You are doing really well so don't give into those gambling urges. Keep reading the diaries and you will take strength from us all willing you on. I agree with you, they're a great bunch of people on here.

Suzy

Got through Day 24 and it was another hard one, I am so all over the place emotionally, up & feeling positive, down & self pitying...its doing my head in. I wanted to "play" today, like I really really wanted it... I don't even know why.

Dan...I read your message within minutes of you posting it and did just that...I went to my bedroom, closed the blinds, and just breathed...Such a simple thing but it calmed me, thank you.

Today I am grateful.....For this forum & members for continuing to support myself & others, I'm grateful for the roof over my head, the warmth of my home and the love of my friends & family. I'm grateful to be alive, I'm grateful to have a safe place to sleep tonight, many dont.

Tomorrow is another day.

M x

Well done Mari...another day of choosing Life....hope you get a good nights sleep x

Day 26

Has depression caused my gambling?

Has gambling caused my depression?

Suppose it's like the old which came first chicken or an egg question....

Anyway whichever it is just for today I choose NOT to gamble!

M x

Thank you for the kind words on my diary

I have been following your diary since you started.

Like you I gambled to escape, historical abuse was what I was running from.

I have PTSD and I am positive gambling has only heightened that as the anxiety from the loss

and cost and not just money but time and dreams including love.

Keep strong and I will keep an eye out for you x

Hi there SC, just dropping by to say thanks for commenting on my diary. Chat was good last night! I rarely get on it but I may attend more often now. Haven't read your diary yet, going to have a scroll through now.

All the best

Day 28 woo hoo! That's 4 weeks 🙂 yep almost a Month 🙂

Baby steps but this is a milestone for me, I can't remember the last time I've gone a Month without hitting the slot sites, it's also the first Month in years that I haven't used a credit card for anything, no gambling transactions, no cash withdrawals, nothing! I've managed to cover all my payments, food shopping done, household bills all paid....There isn't much left over but that's fine, and it's only small payments to the debt but at least I'm not adding to it :). I'm starting to let go of worrying about the debt, as long as I can make the payments it will come down, slowly yeah but it's taken years of gambling to get into this mess, it will rightly take years to get out of it.... financially anyway. Mentally I'm feeling strong at the moment but I know that could change in an instant and I'm keeping my barriers high, I cannot ever allow myself to forget the pit that gambling takes me into.

I have a safe & secure roof over my head, my home is warm & comforting, I've eaten well today and most important of all I have family & friends who love me.....There is so so much more to appreciate in life...Why would I throw that away, nope... ain't happening again...Demons from the past will no longer dictate my future...Only I can do that.

And so off to bed I go feeling content for now, the battle continues.....

M x

Hi M :)) Thanks for the kind words and truthfully I've missed this place but as I just said to another poster it's my new gamble free life taking over a bit nowaday's , which although Is what I craved but never thought would happen when I came here nearly 500 day's ago , so I shouldn't complain that I struggle sometimes to find the time :)).

I'm so glad youv'e smashed your way through the first month and a huge congratulations to you for getting there , I know friom experience how tough that can be but youv'e shown guts and detrmination to battle through those early struggles and feelings we all suffer from to start a new gamble free life :))

That's the problem sometimes getting through those early battles that go on inside our heads , if only we were able to feel at that stage what it's like a few months down the line being gamble free , how empowered we become taking back control of our lives and how different our lives can be making one simple choice of " Not gambling again " :)) .

Your positivity is coming through with your post's now and combined with the support this place offers and of Mixers thread I'm sure you'll never look back , someday's it's about baby steps and others you sail through it without a second thought for gambling but as with life just deal with it as it comes :)) .

Youv'e chose the right way M , so just keep smashing those day's , from my experience the more daylight you put between you and your last bet the easier it becomes :)).

Best wishes M , thanks agian for you post and I'll talk with you soon .

Alan xx

Day 30 🙂

Another good day dear diary, had a visit from my closest friend this afternoon, usual laughs & girly gossip..I use the term girly very loosely as we are both over 50 :)) . I'm enjoying little things so much more every day, a long telephone chat with my daughter the other day, an afternoon just browsing the shops on Friday and then my time with my dear friend today. If this is just the beginning of my non gambling life then boy oh boy I'm going to embrace every minute. My head feels lighter, my shoulders feel lighter even the burden of debt feels a little bit less desperate. It's not all positivity & smiley happy and I do have my black moments still but I'm coping....I'm CHOOSING not to gamble, I'm CHOOSING life....I am not a bad person...I am an addict and it's been 30 days since my last spin 🙂

M x

Yes a month milestone !

You keep strong and embrace the lovely times you are experiencing. So lovely to read x

Thank you IWSM 🙂

My first full calendar Month GF and it feels good Diary, I'm fully aware that it's not all about counting days but these little milestones are all taking me in the right direction. I'm overthinking a little less (my worst habit) and trying to stop being such a worrier, I worry about everything, I worry about tomorrow, next week, next month .... "Just for today" is working for me just now, not just with the gambling but everything else as well. I've done a lot of soul searching over the last few weeks trying to understand how I became this person, I still don't like me... but I don't hate me anymore either and that's progress.

Day 31 .... 1 Month.... I have NOT gambled this year :))

M x

barney2909 wrote:

I choose life, I love this new mantra! 😉

Keep going Hun, let's see 2017 through gf! Xx

Sorry, accidently flagged as abusive!