Letting go of the Comfort Blanket & facing my Demons!

Hi Mr,
I've just read your diary and want to congratulate you on your success - 1 month gamble free.
I and many others know how difficult it can be to resist the urges.
When you look back the month to your early posts you should feel proud.
Keep taking it a day at a time and the days will turn into months, the months into years . . .
Keep inspiring,
Wishing you future happiness x

**Hi Mr (above) should say Hi M.
Stupid phone!! x

Hi Mari

Thanks for stopping by on my diary 😉 so happy to see u are still gf and enjoying the little things that gambling deprived us all of

Stay strong and keep choosing life!! X

Hi Mari...doesn't it feel good a month on? Rediscovering small pleasures, friends..ourselves. WCAWW

Hi Mari

I just read through the first page of your diary. You have a very captivating writing style. I enjoyed your post about people rushing around before christmas. It's nice to sometimes come out of your mind and watch the world unfold before your eyes. Everyone has their own hopes, dreams and worries. Sometimes I just need to come away from whats going on in my world, that's why this forum is great. It shows me another perspective, helps me see things through a different set of eyes. You're post about the people who don't come back also struck a chord. I was one of them, I guess I thought I was cured, but a CG is never cured and I always have to remember that. I agree that gambling is a form of self harm, I still have a lot of issues to iron out but people like you help a lot. Thanks for your words

Keep up the good work.

Thank you for your kind comment today Mari and delighted you continue to be resolutely GF 🙂

Thanks folks!

Day 34 and no gambling to report 🙂

So yesterday I bought an Electric Blanket for my bed....So what you may ask? I have been 'thinking' of getting one for years, I hate the cold and my health condition means cold is dangerous for me, why has it taken so long....Yeah you know it...I couldn't afford it...20 years or more gambling and that little fecker convinced me I couldn't 'afford' a poxy £30 to keep me warm..... says it all really! Got into my lovely toastie bed last night and smiled..... and slept like a log.... I'm appreciating the little things again, I'd forgotten how to do that....

Goodbye Mr G..... For now you are locked in a box and I refuse to let you ruin me....I refuse to ruin myself....

M x

Aww that's a lovely post M. Isn't it funny how we can give 100's to Mr G, but not afford stuff for ourselves. I must admit I have treated myself to cushions and a couple of rugs since bidding Mr G farewell...like your blanket, they make me feel good...something Mr G didn't x

Thanks love..
It's great that were all at different stages of our journey.....we can all get inspiration from each other...
Your going along your journey well...well done x

Day 36 and it's a day I won't forget 🙁

Son came round this morning....He wanted to 'borrow' £500 ....Told him I couldn't...Told him why...

He hates me....

I hate me....

Can't write anymore.

Sillycow wrote:

Day 36 and it's a day I won't forget 🙁

Son came round this morning....He wanted to 'borrow' £500 ....Told him I couldn't...Told him why...

He hates me....

I hate me....

Can't write anymore.

Possibly initially he will, but you will gain both support and respect from him in the long run, honesty is the very best policy.

Chin up, stay on the right track and you will be able to help him again before too long.

Sbb x

Hi M

I very much doubt he hates you deep down but finding out what's been going on behind his back (even though telling him is absolutely the right thing to have done) will have been a massive shock to him and one he will need time to process. I could barely bear to be near Mr L in the early days. Couldn't see anything of the person I thought I knew and yes, I hated him for what he'd done and become but as time went on and more of the real him came back it got easier.

Keep doing what you're doing and don't let this knock you off course. Let your actions speak for you because the truth is (and I don't mean to be harsh even though it might sound it) words and promises won't mean much at the moment.

Just hoping a little perspective from the other side about what might be going on in his mind might help.

Well done for having that very difficult conversation and all the best 🙂

You're being very brave in overcoming major problems, so don't put yourself down. You can't rewrite the beginning of your story but you can decide here and now how it's going to end.

If he's an adult, why did he want to borrow money from you?

Keep making the right choices.

CW

Thanks Sbb x

Lethe - I really appreciate you posting in my Diary, you are right in everything you said.... my GF head is telling me to just give him some space to digest my bombshell, my heart is breaking but that's not his fault, that's down to me.

CW - I thank you for your kind opening words but....

"If he's an adult, why did he want to borrow money from you?"

I really don't see how that has any relevance but to answer...Yes he's an adult, would he be the first young adult to borrow from his Mother? I don't think so... and it was for a car.

This morning was one of the most awful experiences of my life. My Son is my youngest, and my world... and I felt that I'd lost him, completely forever and that terrifies me...The look on his face...The disgust...The disappointment... I saw it all in his eyes today and the words he spat will live with me for eternity. I didn't handle it well... and said things I shouldn't.... tried to defend myself a little and I had no right, it was my choice to gamble, my choice to add debt after debt, my choice to become the broken woman who stood before him. No one put a gun to my head and made me deposit...I did that.Over and Over and Over again.

I rang him earlier this evening, he didn't answer but then I didn't really expect him to. He texted me a little while ago saying to leave him alone for now. He answered and that's a start, every part of me wants to beg him to come see me to talk things through but I realise he needs some space, I'll wait......

I thought I'd hit rock bottom when I joined this site 36 Days ago....I hadn't.... it came today.

Gambling.... The gift that keeps on giving...

You tested me today Mr G..... You sat there waiting with your open arms promising me a way to forget my pain.

Addiction offered me comfort today..... I politely refused.

M x

Hey M, get your head up. You are doing great. Ok, you have made some bad choices with the gambling, haven't we all? But you are an adult, you are owning those decisions and doing something to put things right. Your son has no right to hate you...we are not answerable to our kids. If we choose to confide in them, to be open about our lives, they should feel honoured to be trusted...we are not seeking their approval or disapproval. Keep choosing life, stop the self loathing, it will not help you x.