Letting go of the Comfort Blanket & facing my Demons!

Our posts crossed....he will come round...probably struggling to understand what has happened to his mum...well done on seeing Mr G off x

Hi M, and you're doing great keeping Mr. G out of your life. Rhoda's right with her excellent post - we are not answerable to our kids. You are doing great, take it from us. There will be days like this. We are with you all the way M!!!!!!

Hi Mari, I can see exactly where CW was coming from...I couldn't quite see why a grown man would throw a complete strop @ you baring your soul 🙁 My immediate thought was, is he p755ed @ you because of your gambling or because you said no? Seems to me, looking in, like he has a bit of growing up to do (he's given you the silent treatment previously in this last month) & you can't do that for him. Keep fighting for your life - ODAAT

I think this is one of the occasions where there's a gulf between what either side needs and what the other can actually give. I'm quite sure Mr L would have preferred a lot of soothing and there there'ing rather than the shrieking harridan he got but that just wasn't in me to give. Still isn't to be fair. He gets the understanding he needs from GA. I didn't want to hear how evil gambling is and how it gets hold of you to the point of no reason . All I wanted to hear and see was that it was over.

That said I hope your son can find it in himself to offer some constructive support sooner rather than later, M. Getting practical things in place is a better outlet for emotion than seething with anger.

ODAAT wrote:

Hi Mari, I can see exactly where CW was coming from...I couldn't quite see why a grown man would throw a complete strop @ you baring your soul 🙁 My immediate thought was, is he p755ed @ you because of your gambling or because you said no? Seems to me, looking in, like he has a bit of growing up to do (he's given you the silent treatment previously in this last month) & you can't do that for him. Keep fighting for your life - ODAAT

As much as I hate admitting it you may be right. I've always been incredibly 'soft' with him, he was only 8 years old when his Father and I separated and it hit him hard, I guess over the years I've tried to over compensate for that... It's been said to me before that I'm a soft touch whenever he wants/needs something and I've bailed him out many times, he moved out 3 years ago to a flat share with mates which went belly up and since then it's been crisis after crisis, he had a spell of "Sofa surfing" staying a few nights at mine ,a few nights at various friends....Eventually he got his own flat with a lot of help from me but that's what we do right...help our children make their way into the big bad adult world... he's not a bad lad..really he isn't... and I take full responsibility for his attitude to me yesterday. I think what I'm trying to say is....Yes he was pi55ed off that I (in his eyes) wouldn't give him the money, I always have previously.... and if I wasn't in such a financial mess then I would have given it to him again. Rightly or wrongly I regret telling him about the gambling, it was the wrong time to do it and I'm not sure either of us will get past it.... all I can do is continue fighting continue to try change me.

Day 37 is upon me dear diary.... I will not gamble today. I will use the hurt I feel from his rejection to keep me safe. It's time to give myself a shake & stop the self pity. He knows where I am...He knows I love him... for now I need to focus on me, focus on being the person inside, the person I know I can be.

I wrote a letter to my Father last night, he's been dead and gone for 5 years.... I needed to say things I never had the courage to do when he was living. It all came pouring out onto paper.... he was an abusive alcoholic in denial and a bully... he drove my poor Mother to an early grave & continued his destruction with his 3 daughters.... I refuse to let his legacy define me one minute longer... So I said goodbye ... goodbye to the years of feeling worthless. You destroyed me, took my childhood, took my Mum.. you're gone now and can't hurt me or anyone else ever again... past is past.... What's done is done. I put down all the pain on paper... lit a match and sent it to where it belongs.

I'm going to leave things as they are with my Son just now....Space will help us both.

Still numb....Still hurting... Gambling will not ease that...Looking forward gives me hope and I'm holding onto that.

M x

Hey
Sorry to read its been a shatty few days love....
Masive respects to you for telling your son....again sorry he reacted like he did....whether it was shock or anger at the no.....I don't know....but either way as ever.....time will be the healer....
My eldest daughter was a bit offish when she was told....but soon softened ...we talked.....she accepted....
My focus in those early days was definitely on me....it had to be.....it took all my strength to not run back to the slots....slowly as I grew stronger I could face other things. ...and start to right wrongs and look deeper at different issues etc....I know on here we are always saying .....one day at a time.....but it's true......
Time has a habit of giving back what it has taken from us....
Keep going love..
X

Hi Mari, I've just read your diary from start to finish and have to say a big well done on your gambling free days and so much respect to you for being so honest. Your son will come round with time, I remember when my eldest wanted us to go guarantor for a loan once and we said no, he was off for a few weeks because he couldn't have what he wanted. With regards to the gambling part he is probably shocked and trying to understand it. With regards to past hurts, your doing the right thing by facing issues you haven't addressed , getting closure on them will allow you to start healing and move forwards. As you have more than likely found out this can be a painful and tearful experience but the end result is that you will be at peace with yourself and like the person you see in the mirror. Sending you a bucket full of strength, best wishes on your journey of recovery x

Day 38 Diary 🙂

Feeling surprisingly calm today considering recent events, still no contact from my Son but I'm not going to get myself in a state over it. Been there...Done that!

This Diary and the forums are my saviour at moment...I'm so bad at talking to others bout my feelings and tend to keep everything hidden behind a smile, I don't have to do that here....It feels good to let it all out and helps me stay focused on rebuilding Me.

As always...Huge thanks to everyone who gives support...It really does make a difference!

M x

Concentrate on yourself hun. .
Even us mums are allowed to put ourselfs first..your fighting a big fight now.....save your strength for you...little steps lead the way xx

Loxxie is right...if we do not make our own health and welfare a priority, we won't be any good to anyone else. Keep choosing life M xxx

Hi, Mari,

I had no intention last time of touching a raw nerve, sorry, but tempting as it is to let ODAAT speak for me, I have my own keyboard.

At first, I thought from your post about your son that you'd taken his money, as my husband did to our children. But that's not the case, he didn't want his own money, he was after a favour from you but absolutely not an obligation. I think that parents universally wrestle with when, how and how much to help their adult and supposedly independent offspring and the same question gets completely muddied by the addiction and the desire to overcompensate. I assure you that it's no easier in our house. My older children are young enough to be in full time education but old enough to, shall we say, assert their independent streak. When they want something (usually expensive), I think it's an extra that they should pay for themselves if that's what they really want. But I feel inhibited from saying so because it begs the obvious retort and because I feel bad that they might have lost out. So we're breeding youngsters who are going to think that the world and their errant parents owe them a living.

We friends and family are told that we should set boundaries as to what behaviour we'll accept and what our expectations are in the context of relationships. I see no reason why this should be one way, nor does my husband, he has no problem about making clear his expectations of me. Possibly you might think about your expectations of how your son should behave towards you?

Nothing's easy but living a gf life is the start and the best path to be on.

Wish you well.

CW

Hi CW

I'm relatively new here but one thing I do know is Yes you do have 'your own keyboard' and are more than capable of using it to get your point across 🙂 ....No offence intended, you make a lot of sense in your posts and personally I'm grateful for any/all advice offered by the good folks of this forum on all sides of the fence.

Thankfully I have never taken money from my children ( or anyone else ) for gambling, the financial destruction is all mine. Don't get me wrong...I'm certainly no saint , I've done many many things I regret and not done things I should.

Ive been giving it some thought and you may be well be right about our 'expectations' , I expect very little from my children other than their love, my own childhood was 'difficult' and I've no doubts it lead to me being an overly soft parent, couple that with the guilt of my gambling addiction and I'm beginning to realise... I allow my Son to basically treat me like a second class citizen, I'm so afraid of losing him that I continually give in whenever he wants from me...I've told him many many times that I will not bail him out when he fecks up but every single time something happens....I come to the rescue 🙁

I'm in very early days of becoming GF but I do feel that my expectations are slowly changing, mainly of myself but with that will bring change to what I expect of others. I believe that I as become stronger against addiction, I will gain the strength to raise those expectations. Thank you again for posting, your insight is genuinely appreciated.

Day 39 Diary.

No Despair. No Self Pity. No Self Loathing. No Ranting. No crying. No new Debt.

NO GAMBLING!

M x

Day 40 dear diary....

Faced my financial mess today and contacted Stepchange, I've done the online doodah that works out options for managing my debts and requested the application pack & paperwork ... If my creditors accept the payment plan then it will make so so much difference to my daily living, here's hoping it doesn't take too long.

My head is totally bamboozled today but I feel a slight sense of relief.

One more step forward 🙂

M x

Well done and thank for posting on my diary much appreciated , Adam

​

Hi Mari, you're doing great and deserve a relaxing weekend now you've taken practical steps to manage your debts that, in time, will clear. So have a great weekend 🙂 !