Letting go of the Comfort Blanket & facing my Demons!

Your Son, my Mum Mari...Your response belonged here! Apols for the confusion, I wasn't writing for anyone else when I asked the question...Even now, knowing that bailing my mum out is a very bad thing indeed, I still do what I need to do to protect me. It's been said that I'm nuts letting her live in my flat, having enough of her pension paid into my account & giving her back the excess but that's how it has to be for my own peace of mind...@ the minute. Who's to say whether this will change down the line, I doubt it, I've seen the B&B's she stayed in before & I won't be putting her out especially not while she's still paying the bills. Selfish? Maybe but I'm looking after me & that's what we need to do on this journey! I hope your son comes round & not just because he wants you for another leg up.

The same offer stands if you are anywhere near Herts/Bucks/London...Have wheels, will travel & I would be proud to hold your hand (metaphorically, still haven't mastered the physical contact) if you want to give GA a shot? Don't kid yourself you're not strong enough, you're one of the strongest people I've come across on here & you can do anything you put your mind to - Kelly

ODAAT wrote:

The same offer stands if you are anywhere near Herts/Bucks/London...Have wheels, will travel & I would be proud to hold your hand (metaphorically, still haven't mastered the physical contact) if you want to give GA a shot? Don't kid yourself you're not strong enough, you're one of the strongest people I've come across on here & you can do anything you put your mind to - Kelly

Truly humbled by your amazing kindness & generosity Kelly. I'm in Scotland...I've posted a wee reply in your Diary 🙂

Day 43 dear diary 🙂

Can't even explain how I feel today, and coming here & reading the post from ODAAT ...Well my oh my oh my, there are indeed some wonderful kind & caring people on this forum...I am genuinely touched.

GF 6 weeks today! Last weekend was awful but since then everything feels like it's changing, I finally faced up to myself how much I was struggling with the debt payments and contacted Stepchange... swallowed my ridiculous & misplaced pride and my shame and made the call.... So so glad I did, my payments will be around 50-60% less every month and that will take serious pressure and worry off my shoulders.... yeah my credit rating will be gone (it's still good at moment) but I honestly don't care, I never want access to Credit Cards again, before I dived into the cesspit of gambling addiction I had 1 credit card I barely ever used & always cleared monthly.... I've climbed out of the pit with 8 cards, none of them are maxed but theyre not far off it.... these are my 'winnings' ... never forget! It will take a lot longer to clear the debt but again...I don't care, I created the mess, I'll clean it up...And every single payment I make shall be my reminder of exactly how much gambling gave me financially...NOTHING...LESS THAN NOTHING!

I've also this week heard from my Son..... 🙂

This makes me so happy... He rang me, now this is a big big thing, he is a texter... he never rings anyone, text yeah ... thousands but actually talk to someone.. younger generation eh? Anyhow, he rang ...Hi Mum, how are you? I'm ok...You?.... there's a pause on both sides then him... Eh can I come over on Sunday, we can chat..Can we start the year over? I stayed calm (proud of myself) and replied...Of course you can, yeah we need to chat & we both need to listen, ok? ... Him...Ok cheers Mum, love you...see you Sunday.

2 minute conversation and after the initial kinda pause, he sounded like his usual self, upbeat & as if last weekend hadn't happened... I'm not sure what to make of that, maybe I'm just doing my usual overthinking c**P... oh well...I'll find out tomorrow, he's coming over around 6ish. But he's coming over, yayyyy!

I'm sleeping better, not every night but a d**n site more than than I usually do.

My head is in a much better place than it was 6 weeks ago.... work in progress 🙂

It was never about the money... never about winning... or losing.... I absolutely know that now!

Facing the fecked up finances, asking for help & arranging a manageable payment has enabled me to completely let go of the losses, there is nothing to 'chase' ...

I'm still a mess ... I'm still confronting myself & my demons... bit by little bit.... but I'm NOT gambling 🙂

To everyone out there ....I thank you!

Mari x

Hi SC,

Thank you for your post and my deepest apologies for lack of support to you or others on here. I used to write a lot, got help ya if you read my late night rambles as more likely i was P***sed and just talked bull.

My bad.

Anyway, your message raised smile on this mug! I can't believe i have a stalker too lol lol...(not laughing as Sesuo (aka Kelly you know from here) has proper 3D stalker & no way I'm comparing but i rather choose you cause by the sounds of it, she is loosing the marbles dealing with that person....blesssssss)

So! Things are looking up for you huh. Sorting finances out is important. I never been in deep debt but please know that the mountain will get smaller each pay day...you will look at ant hill next and wont realise where time has gone!

Wow...so Son is back to the land of living huh 😉 good to hear!
Talking about phone calls...ummm..i am not keen on phone calls either & prefer texts. However...today i moaned and ranted to one of the fellow rooms attendee & got a phone call in return. Took it as punishment as i didn't answer it and felt very bad about it :-(...started beating myself up and wanted ground to swallow me when the phone rang again! I couldn't do this to me or other person on the phone so answered the b****r...lol..i wish i didn't :-D...man, i never heard American accent "live" but dear me doesn't it sound different to English! My excuse is "me noo Eennglish" anyway so it was more like one way converse from other party :-/...i did however gave a lecture about talking on a phone while driving but was quickly corrected that I am actually voicing myself through the speakers of the car & yup...windows are open! :-0...lol...i hate to think how i must of sounded!

What about this rant huh? Not even sure what i wanted to say. I am a CG, heavy smoker, ex dependand on cannabis & ex white powder user and am an alcoholic to this day dear Mari. No wonder my thoughts are a lil tangled but no excuses here - i am walking the walk finally and getting help! (For the drink & gambling i must add).

It's weird...i mean this forum. You don't know anyone but very soon people become family. As you know families spits and spats but also are here for each other unconditionally. That's the beauty of GC ☺

Glad to hear you feel like home here...it's place to be and stay.

Look after yourself and have a great weekend! Half a century round the corner....high five?...ummmmmm..yeah....why not!
HIGH FIVE hun, you're doing it & it will only get better...& better.....& better....&.....BETTER! Believe in yourself 😉

S x

Mari,
Really good to read your post this morning.
You seem to be in a similar position to me regarding finances so I know how you feel.
I remember being upset if I slipped into my overdraft. Now I'm left with a hefty loan, credit cards and maxed out overdraft.
All I can do is offer a token gesture at the moment so my credit rating will also be shot and with the amount I can pay there will never be an end but at least I'll be able to live day to day and hopefully have peace of mind.
I'm so pleased to hear your son rang and look forward to hearing good things from your meeting. Like you, i'm just over 30 days gf, I'm just sorting finances, step by step, day by day, we can do this x

Hi M

Alongside the DMP Mr L placed notices of correction with every agency stating he did not wish to be offered any form of credit even if he applied for it and/or appeared to qualify. Experian infuriatingly refused to put this on first time of asking but have since done so and they will be staying there indefinitely even when his credit rating eventually recovers. Just a further thought for you.

Afternoon Mari,

I have to say I love reading your post they always have some depth to them. Last night I went back and re read your diary and it made me chuckle knowing what I know about you when you said "'Im no writer and find it awkward to put feelings into words," how ridiculous that looks now you Write from the heart and follow though on the things you say you're going to do. Keep up the good work.

I know it's been said before and I'm sure you have your reasons but maybe look at name change to perhaps formersillycow lol because your coming across quite smart to me in the last 40 odd days.

KTF

Hi Mari. I've just read through your diary and am amazed at how far you have come. You started off desperate and confused, but are now happier and more resilient. You've been brave enough to address some painful issues, and have brought your financial situation under control. But most importantly, you have come to terms with the awful devastation that the gambling addiction has brought to your life, vowing never to return to the pit of despair. Well done YOU. Keep it up.

Lethe wrote:

Hi M

Alongside the DMP Mr L placed notices of correction with every agency stating he did not wish to be offered any form of credit even if he applied for it and/or appeared to qualify. Experian infuriatingly refused to put this on first time of asking but have since done so and they will be staying there indefinitely even when his credit rating eventually recovers. Just a further thought for you.

Thanks for this... I might actually do that & will contact the agencies this week..As I said my Credit History looks good at moment and it may take a few months before my rating dives by the time the payment plan is put in place etc...I do not want any access to credit...No access...No temptations 🙂

Just popped in, busy day today and my Son will be here soon 🙂

Thank you ...Thank you....Thank you to each and everyone of you...Day 44 is a good day!

Mari x

Hi Mari thank you for your kind words, a big well done to you, hope all went well with your son. Every day gets a little better that we remain gamble free, stay strong you have come along way x

Day 45 dear diary and it's another good one!

My Son came over yesterday evening as planned and we talked... and talked and talked some more... apologies made on both sides, understanding & support for each other flowed... things are looking good between us again 🙂

Onwards & forwards I go.... gambling has nothing to offer me other than misery.

Abstinence offers me clarity.... with clarity will come the beginning of recovery...

M x

' Abstinence offers me clarity.... with clarity will come the beginning of recovery '

Superb line there M. The pictures getting clearer with every waking day. M is doing well, Good on you..

Far from a silly cow !!!

Thanks Volcano!

Day 47 diary...Not much to report other than the most important thing right now..No gambling 🙂

Life is quietly toddling along and all is calm... Went to local library today as I needed to print off some stuff for Stepchange (my printer died before Xmas) don't think I've been in a Library since my long ago school days.... joined up, used the PC and did what I'd went for, didn't take me long ...It had started raining out so dedcided to have a browse around the books... I used to love reading, I'd spend hours with my head down getting lost in the story...Yeah I read loads here, I read loads of online stuff, articles about Addiction & Gambling and other stuff but I havent read a book.... a real book... a story for so so long...When did that happen, when did I lose my love of such a simple thing.... reading was my escape in my childhood, I'd disappear into a novel and forget all the things that made my life miserable... and there you go, another realisation...Escape...I read to escape my childhood, I married young to escape my Father... I ran away to escape my husband....I married again to escape my loneliness and again ran when it went belly up....In fact it seems I've been metaphorically running to escape something or other most of my life.... I'm 52 years old and it's about time I stopped running... escaping.... I have a lot to be grateful for and it's time to embrace that, see the good things around me, appreciate my small circle of friends & family....Appreciate Life!

It's freezing out....I'm lovely and warm in my home.

There are people starving....I've eaten well today.

I had a lovely hot shower this morning, I'll be safe in my bed tonight.

Simple things we take for granted.....

M x

Lovely post Mari. 🙂

Day 49 dear diary and all is ok but...I've had some serious urges today 🙁 the first in awhile and it's taken me by surprise, is this how it goes... start to feel better so start to forget the misery... this has worried me today, I've been feeling really confident about changing my life & moving forwards then slap bang wallop... I'm craving slots 🙁 Is it because I'm facing & dealing with the debt so financial pressure has lifted? Or because life seems calm and manageable again? I know that I gamble to escape... to run from demons past and present, so why when I'm actually starting to see a way forward does my messed up mind tell me to 'play'?

I'm seeing others post their relapses and it frightens me, the guilt & total despair is overwhelming and I have huge respect for their courage in sharing that in these forums but....I don't want it to be me 🙁 It would finish me, total self destruction guaranteed....I know this as fact...50 Days tomorrow and I thought I was ok... I'm not and I need to remember that!

I WON today...I did NOT gamble 🙂

M x

Hi Mari,

sorry to hear the urges really cought you off guard today, but well done for choosing to not give in. Sometimes, when things are going well, it can be scary. It appears you are entering a new stage in your life, it appears you want to stop running away. That can be scary sometimes, and it is possible the urges were a manifestation of that. Observe and let go. Or talk about it. Call the Helpline or the Netline any time, it can be helpful to have a chat and get some perspective.

Keep up the good work and keep posting.

All the best,

Eva

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