Living The Dream!

Hi Bornagain! Good to meet you in chat last night. You write openly and honestly about your problem and anxieties, which is always good to see, it means you're not trying to fool yourself, you really do know the score. Self-exclusion is all well and good, but if you haven't actually got some blocking software set-up there's always gonna be another option. Likewise, call your mobile provider and get 18+ services revoked. I have found how well any GA meeting works is down to two things, 1) the individual and 2) the dynamic of the group. If your heart is not in it, you'd be wasting your time and everyone else's - I am sure this isn't the case here. Some groups are very lively and include a social element, others are more puritanical. I spent 5 years in a brilliant lively group before moving away and we might not have always talked about gambling in our therapies, but talked about anything that was bugging us. Some people found that strange, but we knew it worked, because as CGs we use any trick in the book to convince ourselves we NEED or DESERVE to gamble again. You know, "I've been ill", "the council has changed the rules about x, y or z", "some bloke in a Merc cut me up at the junction." So, if that was bugging people, let 'em use GA as a pressure valve, relieve the pressure in a friendly, constructive forum and you're less likely to do something stupid. I guess what I am saying is if your GA room doesn't work for you, don't give up on it, try and find another group. Hopefully you'll settle in just fine and there won't be an issue. Cheers, "what".

Hi Bornagain,

It was nice to meet you in the chat earlier.

I thought that the post above was really thoughtful and insightful, and I think above all you have realised that you have a problem and you are putting the blocks in place to ensure that you limit and nullify your gambling.

I liked whatami's post above, and I think in order to start we all need to be practical about our addiction. We have to start doing instead of wanting to do. GA is there for likeminded people such as ourselves who may not necessarily just want to talk about gambling but may want to use to to help each other out. I hope that things work out for you and I look forward to speaking again 🙂

Michael

Thanks for the posts Michael and whatami, I have posted on your diaries. Its now day 5 and I have to say I feel a little more positive to have a few plans in place that will make gambling again extremely difficult. I need to keep this clear state of mind and I need to keep pushing myself and challenging myself to keep as many blocks in place as I possibly can, I can't get in the comfort zone or start to dream about winning a large amount of money (won't ever happen as I always give it back, but I still get the crazy thoughts in my head at times).

I have a happy family life now and the main problem area comes when I have money, money is my enemy. I spent so long worrying about where my next money will come from, worrying about money I owe and then when I have money it drives me crazy with urges to gamble and then I go through that numb feeling in a bookies, the madman chasing his losses and gambling hour in hour out till its all gone. I'm actually far happier when I don't have money, so I really need to let my partner take all my finances and only give me very small amounts at a time. I'm a much better person to be around when money isn't clouding my mind and tempting me to gamble, I need to work at this and day by day things will get better.

So no bets today, I will pay the chatroom a visit tonight as its a help and I have my first GA meeting to look forward to on Thursday night.

Hi bornagain,

I think we spoke on the chat yesterday. I've just read through your story and I can relate so much to almost every aspect of it. Especially the bit about changing as a person, it sometimes feels right now I am the worst form of myself. It brings out all my bad qualities, destroys hope and motivation to change. But right now I feel like you, speaking practical, getting those blocks in place and not taking any form of risk as our addiction will do ANYTHING to get us to relapse.

Keep us updated and keep coming on each day to let us know how you're getting on.

Day 6 for me and its been an up and down day really. I gave up my job a few weeks ago because it involved way too much travelling and I wasn't seeing much of my new baby. I was sure I would easily find something more suitable, However I have now had four second interviews for different jobs and not got any of the jobs. There was one job in particular that I had my heart set on getting and last week I had a three hour interview that I believed had gone so well, sadly I today got bad news and I have just missed out on it. The pressure is starting to mount now, I'm at the point where I will just have to take anything for now while I keep looking. I can feel I'm heading towards a bad place fast and thats why its so important for me to regain control and put some real effort into working with my addiction and making the right choices day by day. On the plus side I got out for a run today, I dowloaded a couch to 5k plan and I completed day one today. Exercise is meant to be good for mental health and I need to get fit so its a good start for me. In 8 weeks time I intent to complete the plan by doing a local parkrun.

I've not had any bad thoughts or urges today and I'm heading towards a week since my last bet. I shall be in the chatrooms later on tonight and I'm strongly focussed to continue this fight. I'm also looking forward to my first GA meeting in years this Thursday night.

Hi bornagain.

Thanks for your message on my diary.

I can relate with your day. It's been kinda up and down for me in some ways. The hangover is starting to wear off and I'm feeling confident but now is when you really realise the mountain you have ahead of you. Nonetheless - we are all determined and we WILL do this. Exercise is brilliant, whenever I go for a morning run my mind is in such a better place. I'm not an expert but I think it releases the same chemical as the one produces when gambling - so you are getting a fix of that chemical without gambling so your brain isn't being completely starved.

I see you're doing the same as me, coming into the chatrooms and forums everyday. It really helps doesn't it?

Thanks Adam, its day 7 and this time last week I was madly gambling my was through a grand, my mind was consumed with gambling and its so much better today to have a clear mind and some self control.

This morning I went out for a walk with the little fella, and since then I've been scouring the job market. I've applied for so many things, something has to come good eventually. I'm feeling a little better than yesterday, I have to stay positive and if I keep making the right choices then life will get better. I may well have to take a hefty pay cut, but if I'm not gambling then in some ways I will still be better off financially than before.

So I plod on, I will be in the chatroom later, another day gamble free is something to be pleased about.

Congratulations on 1 week. Glad to hear things are slightly getting better - I can completely relate. Things are starting to get a tad more optimistic every single day.

And regarding the job thing. It must be tough at the moment but as you are doing, remember you are always going to be better off gamble free. Going back to it will never leave you in a better position. Although I know you already know this!

We can do this. Here's to another week gamble free.

Day 8 and I'm finally going to get back into attending a GA group after a few sporadic efforts to attend. My last job also prevented me attending as I worked evenings, but no more excuses as I don't plan on working evenings again. So 7.30 tonight I shall be heading down to my local meeting, hopefully it will be a big help.

I've been out again for a run today, I was so shattered, but being such a couch potato it was never going to be easy. But I'm sure if I stick to my plan I will be fine and running 5k after week 8. Park Run here I come!

So thats it for me today, feeling good no urges, feeling better in myself and everyday gamble free is a step in the right direction!

Hi born again.

Just wanted to say well done for getting through your first week. I think it's a great idea you taking up the running. My son did that couch potatoe to 5k and he really enjoyed it. Yes you are right, exercise, particularly running, does so much for our mental state in a positive way. Plus, the fact that it is really tiring you out also is an added benefit.

Take care and look after yourself and your family.

Our Lady.

Hi Phil,

Happy and sad to see you back. This illness does not go easy on anyone.

Firstly, congratulations on the baby. There never was more of a reason to stop this madness. Do not let a gambling mobile phone in hand spoil the bulk of family photos like I did. I can look back at the expression on my face in each photo and remember what I was gambling on and how desperate I was feeling behind the false smile.

Funnily enough I downloaded the BBC couch to 5K challenge a few weeks ago. Have not started yet. Shame you are 200miles up the M1 as I always used to enjoy running with a mate and enjoying a small bottle of stout at the end.

I hope that job materialises soon. I think that nervous feeling always comes into play at some stage so try not to let it get you down.

Series 3 of BCS starts on Netflix on 11th April so something to look forward to. I plan to watch it with a Chinese and another 4 weeks of being gamble free under my belt. Obviously if I can get a bit fitter in the meantime would be a real bonus.

Take care and stay in touch.

Mark

Hi BA! Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on your GA meeting. If it was anything like the Thursday nights I used to attend before I moved it'll be both helpful and enjoyable. I really relate to Mark's comments as well and remember what we are up to when we were smiling on the outside. I have photos of being in Lapland at Christmas with the kids ... and I was still secretively on my mobile backing South Korean Basketball and heaven knows what other rubbish! How undeniably crazy was that? Good luck with the running. I've not yet joined a gym, but I am 4 days into a diet, so there is some kind of progress in looking after and feeling better about myself. Cheers for now!

Day 9, thanks for the posts on my diary, its great to see my words are being read by others. I will respond on your diaries.

Well today has been mega busy with the job hunt continuing and the little fella keeping me busy. Last nights GA meeting was great, I've been putting it off for way too long and deep down if you really do want to stop then I think its a commitment that will hugely help you. I don't think GA will work if you go the odd time or think a run of ten weeks will fix you, I think its a life choice and if that one meeting a week can stop me gambling then its well worth sticking at. I've accepted I'm powerless to beat this alone and I need the help and support of others.

As for the rest of my day, well I feel good and strong, I won't be gambling today. I plan to enjoy being with the little fella and then theres a very big football match on BT Sport tonight that will be enjoyed with a few beers. Onwards and upwards!

Day 10 of my recovery and I'm looking forward to another day with a mind free from gambling. I have no urges and I have as many blocks in place as possible. My day will be spent with the little fella and of course a fair bit of sport on tv. I really enjoy athletics so I will be watching that later on, as well as some football, darts and of course the big fight night tonight. I think and hope that Bellew does the business and knocks David Haye out. I'm also still really happy with last nights big match, what a great come back and the goal to make it 3-2 was a screamer!

I will be in the chatrooms today at some point, they can be really useful. Anyway I won't ramble on today, a new day and another where I won't be gambling.