Hi Guys,
So, I have been gamble free for 25 days, and found this forum incredibly useful. I joined the 'clean for 2014' group and buddied up with mr brightside who is 1 day ahead of me in this life challenge. I am inspired by many people on this site who have bared their souls, given advice and supported others along the way. Felt it was time to tell my story/get it off my chest, too.
So, I will be 50 this year. My first recollection of a slot machine was at 6 years old. My grandfather held me up to put a coin in a slot, and some wheels span and money dropped out of the bottom of the machine, and he gave it to me. Then we sat down, and I remember being livid that he wouldn't pick me up to do it all over again...I mean, why would you stop putting money in to a machine that gave you more money back?
So, here I am, 44 years on and only just learning that I will never win.
I have put my relationship in jeopardy, our business in jeopardy, and wasted hours watching electronic wheels spin to get the buzz of a win. And, of course, I have won, which, is perhaps the most dangerous thing of all.
After a counselling assessment with gamcare, I already recognise that I gamble in order to suppress emotions...it takes me to somewhere else where I don't have to face the real world.
I started to gamble at 12. I started to smoke at 12. I started skipping school at 12. My father died when I was 12. It has taken all this time to make that connection...so there is my initial trigger.
When my father died, I couldn't cry, I don't think I knew how to express emotion. It wasn't until my 18 Birthday, when an uncle stood up to make a speech that I realised he wasn't coming back, and I crumbled.
This is not an excuse for gambling, although that's hard for me to address. I am learning that this ridiculous addiction to slot machines is deep rooted and connected to how I deal with crushing my emotions.
So, that's the beginning of my diary, and sorry to bore everyone...I am 25 days into my new life, and want the strength from all of us to 'keep clean for 2014'.
Louise
Hi Louise
I am also in the gamble to block things out camp. The problem I found in the end though was that it may have taken my mind of it for the times I gambled but when that coma is over we are then left with the same feelings as before only now we have further problems to add to the mix- so what do we do? Gamble again to forget and the cycle begins again.
I guess I am only realising this now too and thats what I find the hardest about all of it.
If I could have made that connection before now I could have saved myself and my family a lot of heartache and maybe just maybe I would have dealt with past traumas a better way.
Anyway congrats on finding the courage to write it all down - it does take a lot of guts - and I hope that things get easier now the gambling demon has been sussed.
Take Care & lets stay clean for 14 x
Linda x
Hi - when I am not gambling, or dealing with the negative consequences of gambling, I am left with the state of having to deal with other things in life that made me unhappy (and continue to)...I dont know whats worse being wrapped up in the aftermath of another huge loss, or having to think about all the other sh**.
I am where I am today because of a combination of the two...I don't want to think about either but its reality so just have to deal with it..somehow
Morning my recovery buddy!!
Great start to a diary Lou - so many things resonate for me in there in terms of how it all began and how it has continued ever since - we've got a lot in common.
All three of you talk about using gambling as an escape from something. I'm having psychological counseling at the moment for a number of issues - maybe I'll share them one day - but gambling features a lot in there. Whether it's a mental health issue, just having a tough time or it can start off as feeling unfulfilled and unexcited.......we all 'comfort seek' at some point. This can take many forms.......drinking, drugs, internet gaming, P*********y.......or in our cases, gambling. So when something has happened in our lives at some point, for some reason, we have sought comfort to avoid having to deal with the issue. As the issue remains unresolved, we comfort seek even more - following a perpetual cycle of - comfort seeking, gambling, escaping and feeling good while we're doing it, running out of money, hating ourselves and in a way pushing a self destruct button. Then comes the added worry of what we've done and the self loathing etc. that comes with it. The more we do it the longer the other issues remain and the more the comfort seeking actually becomes a habit.........and even when we do resolve the other issues, the habit still remains.......for me, dealing with the other issues and breaking the habit are absolute fundamentals.
I feel so privileged to be on this journey with you Lou and Linda - we say that you have to create the right conditions around you to succeed in stopping......tending to talk about the practical methods. I think we were all meant to be here at this time - the emotional support is just as important!
One day at a time......but getting close to the month girls!!
Take card and keep going!!
Mr Brightside
Hi Louise
Thank you for your post in my Diary 🙂
I too am hitting that big 50 this year 🙁
Your story is so similar to mine it's scary....
I went totally off the rails at 14...this is the year my mum died....my father was an alcoholic and found himself with 3 young girls to raise, needless to say he didn't cope very well....I won't say to much but he was a bully and hard man to live with.
I also started smoking, drinking, getting into all sorts of trouble and my downward journey began...I thought then I was being a 'cool' teenage rebel....
I realise now I was just a sad & lonely little girl.
It's not to late for us....50 is the new 30 lol...
I too have joined the wonderful Mr Brightsides challenge.....onwards & upwards from now on!
Take care....
M x
Hi Mr B, M & Linda,
Many thanks for commenting. It is extraordinary how our stories are all so similar. I don't have a start date yet for my one to one with gamcare, but I'm expecting a whole pile of issues to surface. I am seeing it as a positive challenge for 2014.
I have also realised something else...my failing to admit I had a problem was because I still thought I could beat the machine. I always played the same slot on the same website. It felt like a personal goal to beat it and I always felt very clever when I had a win. Quite bizarre when you think about it...we are all intelligent people and seem to lose all sense of reality.
I am also trying to come to terms with the guilt of lying to my partner and wasting all that precious time online. Still, we are all moving onwards and upwards, and determined to keep clean in 2014.
STAY STRONG.X
Morning All,
Have only just emerged after 11 hours sleep, that's a record! I was a bit down yesterday as I think the enormity of the task ahead hit me like a ton of bricks.
However, the sun is shining and today is a brand new one to enjoy. I am heading into London to meet friends and to do a spot of work.
Wishing everyone good wishes and positive thoughts.
Louise
And so to day 29 gamble free, BOOM!
Have just started the book The chimp paradox by Dr Steve Peters. Have read about him on a few posts and saw a documentary with him and the British Olympic cycling Team. It's all about controlling that 'naughty' part of your brain that he calls your inner Chimp. The voice in your head that is totally irrational.
Will report back...also listened to a great 'you and yours' programme at noon today on radio4 about problem gambling.
I think the more I understand, the more I can overcome this.
Hi Louise
well done for making it 29 days- fantastic result!
I also read the chimp paradox -within my first couple of days of recovery- I found it hugely beneficial - mainly due to me already thinking I have a little devil in my mind that controls me sometimes! Its amazing because I could really picture that chimp just taking over sometimes. Even to the point of me not being able to remember some things I may have done (gambling) or even said in the heat of the moment. Its not like letting someone else take ownership because that chimp is still part of your brain but we can ensure the human part (logistical and non-emotive) makes the real decisions and the chimp will go along with it anyway. It really makes sense when you think about it.
Anyway well done again x Linda
Hi all,
Friday night and still feeling good, but still finding it a massive challenge. Have had a crazy busy week work wise and sadly less time to be posting here and catching up with everyone.
But still keeping clean for 2014.
KEEP STRONG EVERYONE.
Hey Louise
Thanks for posting on my diary! Keep up the good work and do try and keep posting as often as you can as it will help to keep you strong! Clean for 14 xxx Linda
Good to see you on buddy #1 - congrats on Day 40!! Awesome going huh?
I know what you mean about it still being tough, but I am finding I am thinking about it less - not a day goes by sure, but maybe less through the day.
Keep going!!
Mr Brightside xx
Hey Lou,
You've been quiet the last few days...........hoping you're ok........really hoping that tomorrow is the big 50 day milestone.
Looking forward to celebrating it with you!!
Mr B
Hey, buddy! Yup, celebrating 50, but still feeling vulnerable almost every day. I think I am having real problems getting over the guilt and moving on...
I am mad busy work wise, which is always a good thing, but the guilt is always at the back of my mind. I'm very much looking forward to counselling and have to wait for a bit, but hurray, I start on Monday.
Sorry, I seem to have been absent, but that's not because I don't care, or I'm not reading the forum. I just sometimes find it tough, and don't feel I have anything to say???and man I get down reading all the new people joining every day in desperate situations, that seems the problem is growing day on day.
Onwards and upwards, will try to post more and massive congrats to us all keeping clean in 2014.
Hi Lec
Don't feel upset about all the new people coming on here! This is where I get strength from. Reading their pain stops me from going back. Selfish though it sounds, from that comes a stronger me and in turn able to support newbies through their early pain.
Hope you keep moving forward in your recovery
Take care
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
