Well here I am and absolute idiot and I'm totally sick at what I have just done.
I last posted on this site 2 years ago. I think I was just lying to myself like an idiot. At that point my fiancГ©e and I were looking at possible mortgages even though I had betting transactions on my bank account statements and was concerned that this may affect our application, needless to say we didn't go for the mortgage as we were also planning a wedding (albeit 3 years away) and we couldn't afford to do both.
Fast forward 2 years and I have continued to gamble. I work in a betting shop and have found it difficult to give up. I have worked in the industry for about 7 years and in my last post I had said that I was trying to leave and had even looked at applying for teaching, I however didn't get accepted to do teacher training. I haven't been able to leave the job as I've had shares in the company and they mature in 2 months time, which have taken 3 years. These shares will go towards the wedding and the honeymoon and shall be transferred straight into my partners account just so I don't do anything stupid. Between last time I posted and now I have continued to gamble but at relatively small amounts, I have managed to go on holidays, pay off my overdrafts and do really well until last week. I had managed to win around £500 in the last 8 months, which doesn't seem a lot but I was gambling as an enjoyment with small amounts of money on sports betting. This was obviously ok however I decided to open up a casino website which I have had issues in the past, I have no idea why I did it, maybe because I was winning and wanted to try my luck, I don't know. Either way it was stupid as mentioned I have had real issues with online casinos in the past. I won around about £1000 on top of the £500 I had accumulated which was amazing, I was thinking about what I could put it towards etc, as we all know these thoughts never materialised. I said to myself if I play £100 and if I lost it then I would stop and quit, I lost it and I don't know what happened in my head, I should have just stopped myself and gave myself a slap and signed out as quick as possible but I didn't. For the last few months I had been really strict with everything and then all of sudden I went mad. That's the only way I can put it. I lost all £1500, opened up my overdraft which I had fought so hard to pay off to then lose a further £2000. All I can say is what a P***k. I have a beautiful girlfriend who doesn't deserve this. I've told her about my gambling before and it broke her, as well as myself. I felt sick to see her so upset and I felt literally like I wanted to die as I had let her down, disappointed myself and I felt like I didn't deserve her. I now feel like that all over again. What a stupid person, that's all I can think, I've jeopardised everything for a stupid 'play' on a crappy casino website. I should thank my lucky stars that I'm with someone who loves me so much and I do, she is he most amazing person I've ever met and I don't know why I did it, I wish I could take it back. But I can't. I want to tell her what I've done but I don't want to break her heart again, at the same time I don't want to lie to her and I know deep down I should tell her but I feel like we'd have gone back 2 years. Luckily, as I said the shares will be coming out soon and they will go towards to wedding so that shouldn't be affected, the £2000 I'm in my overdraft is my mess and I must sort it myself. I want to tell her so she can control the money but at the same time I don't want her to feel like that his debt is hers to sort it out. It's mine. It will take ages to sort out but I think if I commit to writing on here and updating my progress and actually gave it some proper effort then I can quit gambling and pay off my overdraft. I really do want to tell my partner but I don't want to lose her, I probably seem so selfish, I know that it could seem that she will be in for a life with someone that is a compulsive gambler but, I don't want it to be like that, I will try my hardest to beat this to be the best person I can be. When my shares are out and I've sent the money to her I am going to do my utmost to get myself a new job because my occupation doesn't help. In a few days time it is our anniversary and I don't want to spoil it, I've ordered flowers to her work because I want to make her feel special like she deserves. I'm going to beat this, I know I should tell her what I've done and I've thought long and hard about it. A lot of people would say I'm selfish and she needs to know but I will literally die as she is such a kind hearted person and I want to be the best person I can be, she makes me want to be better and I just don't want her to think bad of me again. The £2000 debt is my problem, I don't have credit cards or ccjs thankfully, I don't earn a great amount, maybe about £1000 a month but I will ensure none of it goes on gambling anymore, instead of my goal being to gamble, my goal will be to get out of my overdraft, £400 goes to bills and £100 goes in transport with maybe around £150 going on everyday things. I will aim to save £300 a month if I can and it should be paid off in 6/7 months. I know this is ridiculous seeing as what I've just wasted but this is the only way I can look at it financially to sort my mess out. I shall speak to gam care tomorrow to try and put some things in place. I will try to get a new job after the shares come out and I will try my absolute best to be a better person, because at the moment I feel sick at what I have done. I hope time will be a healer and I promise to try as hard a I can. I welcome anyone's views, Jez
Just going to put a quick message so whenever I open this thread, at the top it will have a reminder as to why I won't gamble.
Well scrap my first post, I've come clean to my fiancГ©e, I read a few people's posts on other threads and realised that me keeping my gambling from my partner would have meant that she would be in a relationship where she doesn't know the full truth and she doesn't deserve that, she needs to make her own decisions based on everything, not me keeping it from her. She has left the flat and has said that she's taking control of the finances which in grateful for. I feel sick and wish I hadn't done what I did because I love her and I don't want her to be hurting. This shall be another reminder to myself not to gamble again. I phoned gam care and they were really good on the phone and also gave me some pointers as well as offered a counsellor which they will get in touch in 2 weeks. Anyway, a few steps made today, not much of an achievement but it's a start, Jez
Hi bud just reading your post and we are a similar age all the best with your recovery and well done for posting and being honest with the mrs!
I think the list you have put together would help I've just started some counselling recently and my counsellor said write down where you would be in five years if you carried on gambling and where you want to be in five years without gambling and the difference is frightening!
It will be hard work and urges will come along but just accept them and remember how harmful these illogical thoughts are! As long as you stay away from that first bet you have the control!
Be patient and kind to yourself and things will get better!
Thank you for replying,
My partner came back last night, she had gone to a friends, which im glad about because I wouldn't have wanted her to be on her own. We had a talk and she said that she'll take control of the finances as mentioned and I'll have an allowance. I will be paying back the money I lost and then look to save some before the wedding. I stayed on the sofa as I think she needed space and also I didn't feel like I deserved to stay with her, she woke me up in the night and gave me a kiss and told me she loved me which made me happy. Not that I needed realising how important she is, because I already know, but I wish I hadn't done the gambling but I'm glad I didn't lie to her, i want our relationship to be built on trust. Thanks for your advice though, I will no doubt have urges but I shall remind myself of all of these feelings. The thought of 5 years time without gambling looks good, I guess 4 years married, hopefully a child? Definitely wish for a new job that I can be proud of and ultimately can say goodbye to this industry. Maybe a house. With gambling, in 5 years time, I would have lost my partner, on my own, thinking of what might have been if I hadn't been so stupid, no family, no love, definitely no material things, not that they really matter. But I guess these material things do matter in a way as they would be things that we would have worked for, not just frittered money on gambling. So in a way they would be examples to be proud of and not a waste. Either way 5 years without gambling look way better. I mean I could win and everything be rosey etc, but it would have meant that I would have gone behind my partners back, that I was willing to lose money, and that I was willing to jeopardise it all for a bit of cash. Not worth it at all. Just hope I can eventually get myself a new job to be proud of. 2 months to go before I can look to leave. I can't wait. Anyway, hopefully I can come back here in 5 years and look at this post and see this as one of them things that I've had to learn from and beat. But until then I shall take each day as it comes, Jez
Hi Jez,
Coming clean was the right thing in the long run, as you don't carry the burden alone and by not gambling you have someone 'real' to share your accomplishment with.
Keep it up,
Nath
It was definitely the right thing to do, all day I felt like it was bursting out of me anyway, so I'm glad it's out. It should be about my partner and what she's going through because of me, which it is. But for me it is good as I can talk about it honestly. How is everything going with you Nath? I haven't gambled today, only 2 days, nothing spectacular, but progress. It's not because I haven't got any money because my overdraft isn't maxed out so I'm glad I'm not gambling just because I haven't got anything so at least some sort of sense is there. Haven't had any urges, all I can think about is the debt and the struggle it will be to get out of it again and my partners feelings. Either way I'm not going to gamble. Thanks for taking the time to reply, Jez
Well I'm on my third day gamble free. Been pretty occupied to be honest which has been good. Things are getting better with my partner which I'm elated about. I will never take what we have for granted again. In work at the moment and have had no urges which has been good, fully prepared for them to come along but having handed over my cards etc to my partner I wouldn't be able to anyway, which again is good. Just need to sit through the next 2 months! Anyway, hope everyone is all doing well. Again, only my third day, nothing spectacular but I'm determined. Off tomorrow and I shall be playing FIFA with my mate as my partner is in work. Might sound boring but at least it's not wasting money and getting upset. Anyway, all the best everyone, Jez
So relate to this and honesty is best policy and I'm sure you are gonna do it as you are really positive
Cheers Paul, I've got to do it, there's no two way about it, either have a future with the person I love, with our pets, wedding, future home, future children etc, or gamble on stupid things for cash that really means absolutely naff all. Losing money is sickening, but mainly because what it could also lose, as well as self-respect etc. Cheers for your response Paul. Sending strength for you with your recovery, Jez
Hey jez, firstly well done on getting on the site and making it to day 4. We are all at different stages of our recoveries but the reality is we are all just one get away from our next bet!
I can relate a lot to how you are feeling. You have a lot to lose, that comes from someone who has just lost everything and in the early stages of recovery and rebuilding.
You know all of this I am sure.
Best of luck with your recovery
Luke
Alright Luke,
Cheers for the post, I do indeed have a lot to lose. That is definitely what's driving me but also I think I have a lot to gain. Reading somebody else's post, they say that there gambling was as a form of escape, even when I was £1500 to the good, I wasn't satisfied. Not with the financial sense, but with I felt like there was nothing left to do. I had become so used to gambling being there that I've neglected all sorts of aspirations I ever wanted to achieve. I think it's more that I don't know what to do really and instead of talking it head on and standing up and being counted, I just reverted to wasting my time with gambling. I'm looking forward to seeing the counsellor when they get in touch, I know it's not going to solve my issues but I think it will have a benefit of sorts. I'm fed up of being frightened of failing and then not being prepared to take that risk, or thinking I'm not good enough etc and I know I just need to pull myself together. I don't walk around like someone that is insecure and I don't try to be negative, but clearly there are issues that need to be resolved. Either way, I guess it's better to be looking at fixing myself than the alternative of bearing my head in the sand. So yeah lots to lose but hopefully lots to gain, even if the gain is to just not gamble then that will, in itself, be good, but yeah hopefully other things could be gained. We will see. I hope your rebuilding is going well Luke, we all have to start somewhere and a life is a long time. Granted a lot of time has been used gambling but I guess there's always a light at the end of the tunnel and around every corner there can be something good, it's just about not being in a muddle and a bad mind-set, ie through gambling, to not notice it. Take care bud, Jez
You're right about having a lot to gain Jez, I think that is more motivating than the things that you could lose. Less financial worries, a better social life and a relationship where you don't have anything to hide from the other half can only be good things, which is what you'll get from not gambling.
Congrats on reaching day 4, all the best
Those 3 things are definitely great things to gain. It spares up a bit of room in the head as well when not thinking of gambling which then helps to not neglect other things.
I don't know how to feel about today really, I've had no urges to gamble, I haven't gambled, I've played FIFA, went food shopping, cooked a nice meal with my partner, watched crappy television and been generally ok. I am however finding it hard to still get over what I've done really, the work I'm going to have to do to get out of my overdraft AGAIN, that I've hurt myself and my fiancГ©e and that I'm just generally a bell. I know there isn't any point in beating myself up but I can't really help it. Either way, I deserve it really and it will make me think twice in the future, definitely. So yeah been feeling a bit sad but things are at least getting better with my partner, I'm glad I'm not jeopardising anything anymore, that I'm not hiding anything, that I'm not gambling and that things will get better. All the best everyone, I shall beat this, Jez
Feeling a little bit more positive this morning. Started a fitness thing this morning, haven't exercised in a long while and unfortunately I've put on a bit of flab. Needless to say I feel dead. Did it with my fiancГ©e, we want to look nice for our wedding. So yeah probably not good to have too many aims as it might be hard to stick to them all but I guess I just want other things to focus on and maybe doing a bit of exercise will help me to feel a bit better about myself. Still gutted to be over £2k overdrawn but I guess it's just one aspect. I've got a roof over my head, food in my belly, lovely pets, a lovely fiancГ©e, a wedding to look forward to, a job (allbeit not one that feels me with much achievement) and my health, so I can't complain really. So yeah feel a bit happier today and on to day 5, Jez
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