May 2015 - This is when I take control of my addiction

Things are going well and in work at he minute, still not getting any urges which is good. I've noticed that I seem to go into self-destruct mode when I'm more financially stable. I don't know why, but I just do. So although the urges are at a minimum at the moment it is concerning that there does appear to be a pattern. At least I've recognised this and by giving whatever money I have in the future to my partner and not having access to opening an overdraft, coupled with not wanting to gamble and restricting anyway to gamble, hopefully things should be ok. I don't gamble in bookies or casinos as I don't like people to see what I'm doing and I won't ever take out a loan or a credit card so hopefully all avenues will be covered. Like I said, I don't want to gamble and it's not as if as soon as I have money I will gamble. I just don't want to have the option to. I guess it's a bit muddled what I'm saying but just writing down thoughts. All the best to everyone, Jez

It's like I need to be in a bad scenario to focus to get out of something, ie overdraft. Which is ridiculous, I should put my focus to more constructive things when I will be financially stable. Not give myself a reason to self-destruct. I don't know what it is or why I do it, but again, at least I can recognise it, Jez

Day 6 and going strong, been fairly busy today so won't be putting a massive post but no gambling which is good. Jez

Been a busy day again but near enough through Day 7 without gambling. I haven't had any real urges of note which is good. I feel my head is a bit clearer and I feel like I want to achieve things in a way. Roll on Day 8 and so forth, Jez

Through Day 7 and now on to Day 8, will be busy again today but will update if I need to. My life is better without gambling. Jez

Hi Jez89,

Congratulations on getting past the one week milestone! It's great that you've recognised one of your triggers is when you're more financially comfortable. A lot of recovering gamblers can find it uncomfortable when they have money in the bank again and it's good that you've put measures in place to ensure that when the time comes, you won't have access to that money.

It's great that you're busy as well, so will look forward to new posts as and when you have time.

Best wishes

Deirdre

Forum Admin.

Thanks for the reply Deirdre, I really appreciate it. It's nice to get thoughts down and it's nice to get people's perspective and also advice. On to day 9 of not gambling which again is good. I think with a lot of people they want instant success or issues to be instantly sorted out etc. I guess I'm one of them people. I think I get lost when things don't happen straight away. So yeah I know I have about 7 months to get myself out of debt which feels bad and good in different ways. I've read from people on here that say "I've managed to clear a lot of debt" and it's only been 4 weeks. This has been a common theme. Others do say that they won't ever be able to pay their debt back but I can't help but feel envious that earn that kind of money to pay their debt off straight away when their debt is considerably more than mine. I need to realise that everyone's situation is different but I just wish I had a better job. But I guess my self-confidence and self-worth needs to improve as well as my continuation of not gambling before I can sort my work life out. On the good side of having to struggle over the next 7 months is that it will hopefully remind me not to do it again because a weeks worth of madness betting is not worth the 7 months of struggling. But like getting blind drunk and having to deal with a very long, horrible hangover.

But yes, I have indeed seen the triggers now. I can be good with my money and budget, but yeah I don't know what it is when I'm out of the tunnel and have money, I just seem intent on being in a rubbish situation. Hopefully this will change in the future as I've mentioned, there will be things in place for me to not gamble.

I still haven't had a counselling session as yet. I keep missing their phone calls, I have messaged back etc but they keep seeming to call me at work, but I shall endeavour to get in touch and I'm looking forward to the help.

Work was insightful the other day as well, someone one a decent some of money off of a small bet. They unfortunately had a couple of rule 4s on their bets and the payout was slightly under what they expected. They proceeded to abuse me even though I was really polite and understood their frustrations but unfortunately if you are going to bet on the horses, or bet in general, then you should atleast understand the rules. What it taught me was that even when winning a decent some of money, the customer wasn't happy or grateful, even though they didn't have the amount beforehand and that money really isn't the be all and end all because even people with money or win money can be horrible. So it doesn't make you better. I think about my scenario when I won a £1,000 on top of my £500, clearly wasn't satisfied, just like the customer and blew the lot plus £2,000, so I'm no better than him, even though I'm not nasty to others about it, but still, I am bad because it hasn't just affected me, it's affected my partner so I am just as bad. I guess at least I can recognise this and hopefully change. But yeah, it's taught me that winning money, doesn't satisfy you, it changes you as a person and it isn't important.

What I've also thought about a lot the last few days is that gambling isn't even a thing really, of course it is, but in the sense of, it isn't bread, breakfast, a car, a house, deodorant, flowers for the Mrs, etc, it's just the possibility of winning. But you get immersed, go around and around in circles and eventually lose, as when you win, it isn't enough, and when you lose, you want to win it back, so inevitably lose. Again, thinking of 5 years time, do I want things that are real, or gambling which is not real, just a possibility, but ultimately, something whereby you lose and don't have the 'real' things.

On a personal level, things are going a lot better with my partner, how much difference a week makes. For anyone out there I really recommend telling your close loved ones. They may dislike you for a while and not understand or may think you are an idiot, which is true, but if they are supposed to love you or like you then they will be there. It's like if you had £100k or -£10k you know who you're true friends are when they are there through whatever scenario you are in. I know it can be hard to tell your loved ones, but they will be there eventually, it may take time, and you will feel like s**t, but it's better to feel like s**t for a small time that feel like a lier for a long time and have to deal with it yourself, as things will only get better if you share your problems, that's why you are in a relationship, to help each other through. I'm in need of help now, but one day I will need to help another, it's just part and parcel of being with someone or a relationship with people. So yeah, just get it out in the open.

Anyway, ranted on long enough, I hope everyone is doing well, if anyone wants to talk, feel free to comment. I will not gamble anymore, Jez.

Well done jez, sounds like you are making the right moves and realising that even a week down the line things are getting better.

Keep up the good work

Luke

Cheers for the reply Luke. A week has made a difference, I'm on my 11th day gamble free which is good. I've been thinking a lot as to why I have gambled and I have been a little down about the whole scenario really. It's been ups and downs, I've felt positive a lot of the time but then I get negative thoughts as well. Either way, I've recognised them and haven't resorted to gambling. I haven't had an urge to gamble, just felt down because of the situation I've put myself again but at the end of the day I've gotta just get my head down I guess and get on with it.

Finally managed to get in touch with the counsellor and I shall be going on Thursday. So hopefully I can get things off of my chest and gain some help in the process. I will beat this. I've read on a few threads that it isn't stopping gambling that is the hardest part, it's the continued abstinence and dealing with the urges that come along out of no where when you least expect it. I hope I won't be lulled into a false sense of security. As mentioned, there are things in place that I won't gamble but I hope that I don't have a spate of time away from it and then convince myself I'm ok and start up again. I need to remember forever that it isn't worth it. Anyway, a lot thoughts going around my head. I will not gamble, my life is better without it, Jez

Good to see that everything is going well Jez, keep up the good work bud.

I've felt the same as you, I'm on day 11 and after day 3 I've not had any urges, I suppose that the true test is abstaining when temptation is right in your face.

I'm positive that you will beat this from what you're saying.

Keep it up

Nath

Cheers for the comments on my diary, I appreciate every ounce of support.

It sounds like you are making similar progress to me, I too see the counsellor on Thursday, I am looking forward to that to see what they can offer.

Have you considered GA meetings? Have been to a couple now and found them really helpful.

Keep in touch and well done

IHi an well done on your gamble free days. I used to be an assistant manager in a high St amusement arcade an you would think seeing the self destruction, deceit, despair from the regular gamblers, that I would learn from it.? I had chairs thrown at the machines, single parents crying they had not even a pound left for the week. But when I left I fell into the same fold.

When I won I rarely left with my winnings or if I did I would spend it plus more the next day. Always love financial trouble.

Then I had money from divorce settlement an it was like a red rag to a bull! Yes had some good wins but lost more in the end. Also found whenever I had a holiday or Xmas etc to save money for, I would go on a stupid gambling binge. Really like you said don't know what happens inside our heads.

So good you found courage to tell fiancГ©e an the allowance is a good idea to protect you Both. Stick with it as you have so much more to gain. Looks like the fiancГ©e will be getting a buff man in time for the wedding what with all that exercise lol. Take care Mary

Cheers for all of the replies. I think it helps to know that people are following your journey and rooting for you to do well so I appreciate it.

Nath - Yeah the urges are not there but I've been here before where I have a goal to get out of my overdraft and I can do well in that sense, it's when I have money that it all seems to go to pot. So I guess my true test is then but I shall take the accomplishments for now. I think I need to remember that if something happens that I thought it would, that it doesn't really matter as 1. It wouldn't be worth what I would have to lose, 2. What's the point in the risk, you are down even before the result comes in. 3. So what if it does win/happen, what difference does it actually make? Someone said on their thread that it doesn't make you successful, popular or anything, you may have a high for that time being, but it isn't worth the lows and I agree. I hope all is going well with you and thank you for the encouragement.

Luke - I am really looking forward to my counselling as I'm sure you are to. I have though about GA meetings, I do believe they would be good but until I've left my job I will have to leave it as I don't want possibly bump into any customers that could be there and have my issues be spread. I don't mind close ones knowing, but not customers and staff. I guess I shouldn't care and it would help in my recovery of everyone knew, but to be honest, I could do without it at the moment. I know that may not necessarily happen but id rather not take the risk.

Mary - It appears we've had similar emotions when it has come to our gambling. We have been made fully aware that the house wins. My gambling was very level headed on sports betting and I wouldn't lose too much of I'm honest. It did however change how I was and I became too immersed in how much I was up or down, and to be honest it's draining. I'm quite happy that my head is out of that cloud. But I was like you when I turned to casino betting. I know in my heart of hearts that that was my problem. It's too instant and you don't have any time to think, and like you, eventually I would lose and lose a lot. So yeah, even though you see others act aggressively etc, it should be a pointer not to do it, but yet we still have. Sometimes I think jobs in this industry should do more to help people to not get sucked in, but I guess that would be blaming others instead of myself, which isn't fair. I am glad that I came clean to my fiancГ©e and she has been a real help. I'm not so sure about buff haha. I'm not really an exercise freak. I'm one of them that sort of thinks, o see, best sort myself out when I start to get flabby but never really maintain it. But yes, I shall try to look my best haha.

I hope everyone else is doing well, I'm on my 12th day gamble free and doing well. I will not gamble because it isn't worth the risk, Jez

On day 13 gamble free which I'm happy with. Went to see the counsellor this morning which went well. Some form filling and a few techniques acquired. Next session is on Sunday. No urges still. Just getting on with things. Hope everyone is doing well, Jez

Jez89 wrote:

On day 13 gamble free which I'm happy with. Went to see the counsellor this morning which went well. Some form filling and a few techniques acquired. Next session is on Sunday. No urges still. Just getting on with things. Hope everyone is doing well, Jez

Great to see you doing well Jez, keep it up bud.

Any insight into any general advice that the councillor gave you?? Is it something that you would recommend?

All the best,

Nath