May 2015 - This is when I take control of my addiction

Cheers Nath,

I need to remember it really. It's happened to me before where the one who does well gets a few tips that do misfire and low and behold I've done them, then when I give up, they win. It's too draining to follow. I guess it's the same when customers back favourites which lose then they miss one and it wins. You have to be so immersed in it. I feel like I kind of am still because I'm annoyed that this sort of thing happens, but as I said, it's not worth it. People say betting is everywhere and even leaving my job won't help but it would as it wouldn't be in my face everyday. I mean I can take the races being on or he football etc but it's when you see the punters that do well etc. if I wasn't in this job then I wouldn't have that in my brain. I'm not suggesting 'well I should just get another job', I will, when the time is right. But it isn't yet. But all I'm saying is that it makes it harder to quit. But I guess being in the hardest place to quit as a gambler is a good thing so then I am equipped, as I've been amongst it etc. if that makes sense. I've had a pay day in the last few days. I didn't gamble, I paid a bit off of my debt, albeit not as much as I would have liked as other unforeseen expenses occurred but atleast it shows that as soon as I get money, I don't need to gamble, especially as it could have been the systematic option after losing so badly 3 weeks ago. I feel like I have emerged a bit from that and don't feel like I need to try and gamble to win my losses back, and ultimately get into more debt. So I'm glad that I have accepted the debt and it can only be repaid with time and a budget, which is a bit annoying but hopefully it teaches me a lesson.

It looks like you are doing well Nath, I'm looking forward to the stage where I'm not even concerned with other people winning etc, it's not at the moment but I'm looking forward to it, that I just accept that I'm happy to not be embroiled in it. I feel like it's missed opportunities at the minute, but at the same time I'm happy that I'm not going through all of the highs and lows and all of the rubbish it has to bring. But yeah looks like we are on this journey together in a round about way. I will not cave, I will beat this and I hope you do to. Hopefully in 5 years I can come back on here and be reformed for life and see this as a part of my history that I had to learn from, but yes, a month is the next goal, 3 weeks completed yesterday, day 22 today. Let's have it, Jez

Day 24, still no gambling. Getting through day by day. Fed up of being skint, but that's the price to pay. I will get out of my debt. Although I need to remember that I must live and have fun and remember what life should be like, and in doing this I must have a treat here or there and remind myself that life could be like that all the time without gambling. Until then these treats will be few and far between because as I said, I want to pay off my debt, but also I want to live. So there will have to be a happy medium.

Any who, still have t had my third counselling session as I've been a bit busy but I shall book it soon. I've managed to be a bit more sociable which is good and I'm pleased with and work is just the same as ever. I'm going to enjoy my evening catching up with some tele and relax. Bought some chocolate digestives to have with a cup of tea after dinner, small nice things :). Anyway, hope everyone else is doing well, Jez

Sounds like you are finding the right medium Jez as if we continue to beat ourselves up with guilt dont think we can cope with recovering our lives back. Yes it is the small things, yum chocolate digestives dunked in my tea lol. and the debt wont be forever but it would be if we hadnt stopped. Well done on day 24 and yes it is a day by day thing. Up down up down but eventually it will all be UP UP. stay strong Mary

Thanks for your reply Mary, haha, I looked back at that and thought, 'wow, digestives, rocking!' Haha. But yeah I think I'm just enjoying the simple things, because I guess they are the things that should matter. Not trying to win money.

But yeah, thank you for your input Mary. Apart of me thinks, I want to get my debt paid off at all costs, but I've done that before and eventually it didn't work and I went back to gambling. I don't want to do that anymore. So yeah, just trying to build my life again, trying to get a bit of confidence, and not through, 'oh look I've won money, I feel like I've achieved' because it isn't an achievement. It's false. So yeah, I need to be a normal functioning person, and as much as I want my debts paid off, I need to balance it with normal things, and if they come at a price then so be it. In a way, it's nice that you've confirmed it also. Debt can be paid eventually, it's the other lessons that need to be learned again to be a normal functioning person who just so happens to be a gambling addict. But I want to be a reformed gambling addict. I'm proud of my 24 days, but there's a long road ahead. I think I need to concentrate on leading a normal life, not counting the days gamble free in a way as it's continuing to go back to my addiction and in way counting down my life in a way and focusing too much attention to it. I do need to accept that I'm a gambling addict, which I have, and I definitely need to be aware of being one and not letting my guard down but I don't want to focus on it because I don't want it in my brain 24/7, if that all makes sense. Anyway, just a few ideas jotted down. Jez.

Day 26 gamble free. Fairly productive this morning. Work has been slow, I swear certain customers who win rub it in my face. I'm happy for a lot of them but there are some that seem to take it in there stride to come in, win, tell me how rubbish my life is and how boring it must be to work in a bookies and then leave. This sort of thing would usually sway me to gamble but not going to let it affect me. I felt quite free earlier but now I feel tight inside but it will pass, they may win money but I'm not going to let that be what I strive for anymore. Other things are more important, Jez

27 days gamble free. Really happy with that. The journey will continue. I'm still feeling a bit sick about my last loss, but the pain is going away day by day. I don't want it to go away all together as I don't want to feel good and forget the pain of gambling. I feel a bit relieved that although I'm bang in debt again, that this will be the last time. I've maxed out and paid off my overdraft about 3 times and I know that I don't want this struggle again. If I do happen to go into debt again, I atleast want it to be for something worthwhile. I think a lot that for a weeks worth of mad gambling has meant I shall struggle for 7 months and in a way I'm losing 7 months of money in my life. But I won't let it mean I shall lose my life for seven months. I shall grab opportunities to socialise, to complete things, to hopefully better myself and I think these things will help, instead of me being in a rut. Although these things will have to be on the cheap.

I've read so many threads on the different parts of this website in the last 27 days, it's helped a great deal. I've learned that when people away from this site, they tend to relapse. Some people can go for days and just update their progress which is great but there seems to be a lot that don't come on in months and then return in a worse state. So I'm not going to ever think I'm cured and not need to come on here. I will always be an addict, I may not need to come on here as often but I think it's paramount for me to keep my progress. I also read a couple of success stories today which I haven't done in the past. A lot of pain has seemed to have gone from their posts. They don't seem to be under a cloud and seem to be a lot more clearer. I need this, and this is what I will work towards. I'm happy with things I've learned about myself from this site alone. I know that I can't bet in any way shape or form, when I came on 2 years ago, I had accepted that online blackjack was what caused my most horrendous gambling episodes and felt that sports betting was under control. The problem is, even with not betting big, I was still immersed by being up or down and ultimately turned to a casino website as my mind was so obsessed with gambling. So I know now that nothing is acceptable. I know it has only been 27 days, and I don't say this lightly, but I've read from a few people that have said they cannot bet again as otherwise they will be physically sick, no matter the amount and that is exactly how I feel. I'm not saying 'I hate gambling blah blah' I am saying that I am sick of feeling rubbish, I'm sick of everything gambling does and I have accepted that I have lost. Gambling has won and I never have a chance of winning because it will never be enough. But yeah, it's not about how many days I've done and ruining the counter. I just don't want to do it anymore, it fills me with sadness and makes me want to collapse. I am thankful that I have never took out a credit card or loan. I must have had some sort of off switch. Granted, I've gambled until I've had nothing (or close to nothing) left, but not to the extent to get out loans etc. I think my off switch will continue to when I have children. It's not yet but I have a future with my partner and I've scared myself enough that I'm willing to gamble to excess whilst being in a relationship but I don't want to do so when I have children. So this is it, I want to be set up for a family. Not be a mess. This is my journey. I am a compulsive gambler. I will not ever win. But I will win at life. I'm a lucky man, there are so many that are worse off than me and I should not take what I have for granted, and I won't any more. Jez

30 days of soul searching, beating myself up, forgiving, sadness, loss etc. I know I don't want to go through this again because of gambling. 30 days isn't much but I guess a journey has to start somewhere and I'm proud of my days so far. There has been a change in me, even with the debt, I can see the light from the trees, there is no quick fix, things will take time and I have to be patient, but I am prepared to be. Jez

Thank you for your post NT. Patience is massive to this, this is a forever process and I guess just taking each day as it comes. I've had a great weekend and I feel I'm getting better in myself as the days go by. Jez

Day 32, still no gambling. Realised that I shall be paying £40 ish interest a month on my overdraft and its current limit. I know it doesn't seem much but I guess it's a further reminder to not gamble, what's the point? Anyway, that's annoying, onwards and upwards, these next few months are going to be long, Jez

Hi jez,

I'm new to the forum and I'm beginning my recovery but it's people like you that are making me see that it is possible 32 days is an amazing achievement, and about the 40 pound interest a month who cares if you were still gambling you would think nothing of spending 40 pounds so at least now you have a sense of what money is worth, something we never think of when we're gambling

Thank you for your diary

Sleepless nights

Day 33, thank you sleepless nights for your response. You are right, I wouldn't have thought too much about spending £40 and as I said, hopefully it teaches me a lesson. Plus I totally agree that it gives me a better perspective of the value of money. Nevertheless, it's just another bill of sorts that I could do without but as mentioned before, patience is incredibly important and it will just take time. Anyway, I hope your recovery is going well. Not having any urges at the moment, even with people winning, it's not giving me the need to bet. Getting quite into FIFA again in my spare time, I guess it's another waste of time in a way but atleast it isn't really affecting my bank balance. It's a long slog but taking each day as it comes. There shall be difficult periods ahead, when football season starts, when I get out of debt etc but I shall cross those bridges when they come, Jez

That's a good way to see it NT, and I shall take that advice on board. I don't have a credit card, it's an overdraft but the same thing. The only reason why I'm picking it out is that I have been offered a 0% balance transfer for 24 months credit card, which would be my first ever credit card, I have thought about it as it would mean no interest to be paid, but, I don't think I want to put myself in that position to be honest. I guess it wouldn't harm but I think I'd rather just pay the interest. My partner doesn't want me to get a credit card, for obvious reasons, and I don't want one either. I guess I've just thought about it as it's the easier way out but, like you said, I need to just see it as a pay cut to teach me a lesson of sorts. So yeah, I shall take your advice and thank you for it NT :), Jez

Day 34 in the big non-gambling house. My biggest thing at the moment that I'm finding hard to deal with is patience. I've spoken about this a bit, and I've read a lot of people's threads that say about this but my god it's hard. I want the 1000 days gamble free, I want to be out of debt, I want to feel completely normal, I want lots of things, and I want them now. I feel that in a way that I'm wishing my life away, even though I'm not as I'm trying to live each day and improve things about my life, whether it be social, activities, work, relationships etc but by wanting to be 'cured', I feel like I want it to happen quickly. I guess that's the gambler in me, the instant hit, the instant 'success'. I guess I need to learn patience, things need to be worked for, there's no quick answer, it's a process, a journey, and I need to apply this to my work life as well as my issues with gambling, maybe this may make me more 'settled' as a person. I've found that if I don't look for things, things materialise, but when I do look for the answer, I'm consistently in turmoil that I'm not finding it and therefore I'm a big of a failure. Maybe I just need to relax, get living life, stop worrying about being 'successful' or being impatient and just learn and acquire new skills to improve myself. I've been trying, or hiding from it for a good few years, hence why I guess I've gambled but I suppose I just need to accept that things take time and just because it doesn't happen straight away, that I'm not a failure, it's just that it isn't the right time. I'm all for going out and getting things as it won't come to you, but I think that approach doesn't work for me, because, as I've said, it makes me turn into a person that think they've failed. So yeah, what I'm going to do is chill, accept things take time, think about the important things, continue with my recovery and eventually the right thing will come along. I know I'm lucky in a lot of ways, I suppose others aspects take longer to achieve, Jez.

Day 38, still no gambling, just a quick update, Jez

Hi jez well done on 38 days. On yr post before last, I was reminded of the idea the idea that 'wanting' is bad whereas 'liking' is healthy. I wanted to gamble, it was a compulsion but I didn't really like it. In fact aside from the 'buzz' I hated it.

I totally get the patience thing. If you can work on a sense of contentment, in the moment, doing healthy things you like doing (things you did pre-gambling or new intetests) then the days take care of themselves.

You've made a great start