May 2015 - This is when I take control of my addiction

167, still going strong, Jez.

Keep going jez, I am still a few days ahead of you, but so happy that your still gamble free

well done Jez .... keep it up

Apologies Gamcare and luke-t i accidently reported above as abusive. I hit it by mistake you can see it isn't abusive. Sorry again!

Cheers for the comments Luke-t and davebs26. Day 175, that is a big number and I am pleased with myself, still, not to get complacent. I no longer feel the need to have that binge gambling session, I have realised that the money I work for is hard earned and even the slightest of ideas to gamble have been nipped in the bud. Also I don't wish to disappoint my partner like that again, well atleast due to gambling. But also for myself, things have improved over the last 5 months, not dramatically, but slowly, it has taken time. But that time had been a great healer. I think I used to get so hung up on the big amounts that I lost that I couldn't move on. I now don't rest on these feelings as they are negative and not helpful to moving on. I now think of what my money can go towards, I rarely save and I don't ever have too much in my account, just enough for travel and food at work. The rest I send to pay the bills and any left over is sent to my partner. This has helped a lot. My head is out of the clouds and I look to my future now with a lot more optimism. I think when I was gambling I was so stuck in the now, like so consumed by the money, the gambling, the next horse race, whether if I had that win I could feel like I was in front and then basically squander it on online blackjack. It was horrible and I can see now how uneasy I was. Now I feel a lot calmer, not worrying about getting to next pay day. I no longer feel in a rut and instead just see things as a process where I'll eventually get to and be where I want to be and everything leading up to that is meant to be. When gambling, you are so sidetracked by anything and you miss on everything that is going on around you and before you know it another year has passed. I'm not fully over this addiction, in no way shape or form. I know I've got a lot of strides to make, and if anything always know that I have been and am an addict of gambling. I don't think I'm ever going to feel that I'm over it, I may do, but id worry that it could all start again. I think I will always have to see it as that's bad for me and I know not to do it again. Having things in place and changing my mindset has truly helped. Thinking that, 'well I can't go online, because I don't want it on my statements' helps, it's as if there is an immediate barrier. Plus also not having much cash on me and also if I did gamble how I would explain it, I don't want to go without food at work etc. The major one is that I don't want to upset my partner again, but the most important one is me. I don't want to go back to that person, I don't want my life to be a blur again and that's all it is when I gamble, I prefer being calm, relaxed and taking each day as it comes whilst enjoying the present and looking forward to the future. I'm just giving this insight into how it feels to get to this point. If there is anyone out there that feels that they are not going to see through the mist and believe that it's never going to get better. It does but it takes a lot of self control, the ability to make time work for you and changing your mindset. It can be done, Jez.

Lovely inspiring post jezz, can relate totally to what you have written.

175 days is a great achievement,

Suzanne xxx

191, Jez

204, Jez

226, still here but not writing as much. I like to read others stories to remind myself that there is no let up. Looking forward to Christmas, Jez

236, Jez

Well done jez

Suzanne xx

262, things have moved on so much, I have sort of replaced worrying about gambling to worrying about work and other things in my life. Sort of come to the conclusion that I need counselling, not specific to gambling as I believe I have issues that need to be resolved. It's good that I am focusing on other things now instead of whether a horse wins or whether I'm going to gamble to oblivion on blackjack. I'm aware that I may fall but at the moment, and for a long while, I have no intention of going back to that because life is for living and gambling was just stalling me. I have so much to do that my attentions have turned else where but I would say my coping mechanisms arnt amazing, I'm not saying that I'm teetering on the edge or anything like that, I just think I don't deal with stress very well and there's probably reasons for that. Either way, 262 days is an incredible achievement and a far cry as to where I was. I wouldn't necessarily say I've saved money, because I haven't, but my expendable cash has gone on things that have needed to be paid. I'm more focused on trying to do better but I just can't seem to relax and say 'you've done well' it's like there is always something else that needs sorting and I'm just embroiled in all of it and my brain just feels exhausted. The thought of gambling scares me and I don't ever want to sign online to a site that could potentially make me lose lots of money. It would make matters worse and I don't want to undo all of my good work. Luckily I'm no where near thinking in those terms of signing up to a gambling site. Like I said, I'm sort of rigid to it, I wouldn't even want to consider the notion and I've moved so far away from any of those feelings, but I'm always aware that I can't let my guard down. Aside from stressing about everything and feeling mentally exhausted, life is going well and moving forward, I do probably need some counselling that isn't related to gambling because I don't want to focus on that, I don't mind touching on it but I don't want a gambling counsellor so to speak. I feel like I'm moving on from that but need to talk about my past a bit and coping mechanisms for my stress and self worth. That will all come in due course. This platform continues to be helpful, whenever I do look at the football results and I think, could have had that or whatever along those ideas. I do tend to visit and read people's stories and it knocks me into shape that it isn't worth it. I'm not saying I'm close to gambling when I think about the scores, gamcare just seems to be release, it's like out of habit and it brings me back down to earth which I'm grateful for. Anyway, gotta keep moving forward, Jez.

281, work has been getting better, sleeping pattern isn't amazing though, hence why I'm writing in here! I find myself coming to read stories when there's not much else to do, which there usually isn't at this time in the morning. But yeah, work's good, handling the stresses better and looking for more positive outcomes. I find writing things down is a help, then it gets it out of my head. A bit like what it is for me writing on here, regarding gambling. Since going to a new job, I've found that I'm no longer bored and don't feel like veering back to gambling, even though I quit a long time before starting my new job, but I just realise that I have a lot more focus on other things, and other things have become more important. I don't want it to be a replacement of stress and then when I become bored again, I'll return to gambling, it isn't like that, I just feel like that now I'm out of the gambling environment and focused on other things, it does help. All in all, things are positive at the minute and I have lots to look forward to. Just plodding along, I do miss betting on football etc from time to time, but now I look back at it as a wasted time, it didn't achieve anything and made things a whole lot worse, so I'm glad I'm out of it now and good riddance to it, onwards and upwards, Jez

324, massive. Not even thinking about gambling anymore, just getting on with life.

I probably should have stuck to writing in this diary. I didn't get cocky and thought I'd sussed not gambling. I guess as gamblers we don't see things long term and just want it to be sorted instantly.

I've been gambling for quite a while now, I've managed to get myself in debt to the tune of £2k. Half of which is through gambling, plus whatever else that I've lost which could have become savings. I've managed to get married and everything was perfect, honeymoon was brill. I no longer work in a bookies and have changed jobs again since then which I believe would help to not gamble. Clearly it hasn't. But atleast I'm not surrounded by it constantly now.