Day 1 again. April was a crazy month for me. I lost a lot, won a lot and lost a lot again. I have finally ended the month down by £1600. So far that is all I have gambled this year and if I stop now then I can pay it back over the rest of the year. I am in my 40's and have a long history of gambling on FOBTs. I was there when they first came out and I still get drawn back in. I had a horrendus time in the beginning and lost a lot. I came clean to my wife, paid off my debts and joined GA. However after a few years I started again. This time the fear of losing everything means I normally stop in a year once I have lost a month's wages. Sometimes I stop for weeks, sometimes for months but I always come back at some point when the year begins again. Nobody knows about this addiction. It's my dirty secret. I don't have affairs or drink or take drugs and I earn good money and can cover it up. However it is killing me and draining my spirit to be on such a negative loop. I feel like I am doing ****** or C*****e when in action and I know that my money is funding a disgusting industry. I don't want to keep repeating the same old pattern. If my wife found out I would be out and so I risk everything each time I go AWOL. My home life is good and I have 2 wonderful children. I think I gamble to cope with stress, boredom at work and because it gives me a rush like nothing else. I go to the gym, I don't drink at all (another addiction dealt with) and I have no other expensive hobbies or habits. I sometimes tell myself it's ok to gamble as a reward for my hard work but once the madness passes I always hate myself. It's such a waste of time and money. I know I am luckier than many in that I haven't hit rock bottom again (yet) but I don't want to continue doing this. I would rather spend that money and time on something more productive. I know the last few binges have been connected to my Dad's sudden death and my mother is now ill too. I often feel as if a big clock is ticking and I sometimes wonder what life is all about. I have tried this many times before. My personal best here is 117 days but I want this to be my last time. I have talked about turning the negatives of gambling into positives and I have done that when I stop. I just need to stay stopped. I only play roulette on the FTOBs and have excluded myself from my local shops and put barriers in place so harder to repeat or breakout. I am also going to go to back to AA and GA meetings - at least once a week - as doing this on my own is very difficult. Each time I do this I try and learn something from my mistakes. Day 1 again.
End of day 1. Still angry at myself for acting so stupidly in April. It was worked out that it was 11 separate visits to the pit. On average I spent at least 2 hours spinning bets. Often at £50 a spin. If you do a spin every minute that's 120 spins a time or £6000 staked if you times 120 by £50. Of course it doesn't start at £50 a go so you could round it down to £5000 a visit. Now times that by 11 visits and it's an enormous churn of money. Stupid, dangerous way to kill 22 hours of time. I think it's out of my system now and the triangle is broken again. This time was helped by a new shop appearing near where I work and I hadn't excluded from that one. It was like it was taunting me and of course I won the first time I went in. Now I am excluded so it will be a long walk to gamble again. Not that I want to. As ever once the mists lift and your rational mind takes back control you can't believe what you have done or risked or both. Anyway here's to day 2.
End of day 2. I wanted to share some progress. I do try and learn each time it goes wrong. Well GA meetings are difficult for me to go to. However I am a recovering alcoholic as well and there is an AA lunchtime meeting near where I work. I haven't been to a meeting for ages but felt I needed some support. GA is based upon the principles of AA so I thought it would help. Fantastic meeting. The speaker shared and then everyone had their say. Although the topic is of course alcohol the vast number of people said that they were addicts and that once the drinking stop the addiction or ism tried to come out in a number of different ways be that completion, drugs, shopping or for at least for 6 others gambling. For me it was just what I needed to hear. I have an illness and gambling is one of those symptoms. I am going to try and re-engage with the 12 step programme and work through them. I have done it once before and it worked while I practiced it. Will take time as I am chronically shy in many ways and very private. Anyway next activity is to go another meeting and talk to people. Next one on Tuesday so not long to wait. If you haven't tried GA then please do. Doing this on your own is very hard and it doesn't have to be that way.
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