Me Myself and I

Well I have finally made the leap and I am doing what I tell myself most evenings and I am reaching out for help. I have been addicted to online slots and bookmaker slots for sometime now. I lost a previous relationship through gambling. seeked help and stayed clean for 1 year. Met someone else and fell right back in the trap. I am in 5k of debt and all I simply want in life is to wake up and not feel the urge to gamble.

I have done the usual thing of blocking myself from sites but always find another one and loose more money.

I would love to be able to get paid and know apart from the household bills the money I have left is all mine and not paying debt off I have got from gambling.

I won't speak to my partner about it as it would destroy us and my parents would not forgive me this time around and I really would be homeless.

I wake up every day saying 24 hours just get through that then go from there. If I am doing something with family etc I can manage it. If I sitting around the house bored then I just get the urge to seek it out. If I pop to shops on my own for shopping I will always call into the bookies. There is one outside work so I will always call on my lunch. i work away now and then and will sit in hotel room to early hours pressing that spin button on my phone over and over again. I always seem to find the ways and means to gamble. I often look at myself in the mirror in disgust and think what have you become how many times do you want to put yourself through this.

The urge though just comes back again. It's pay day Friday and I am determined to ensure I spend non of it on anything but bills . I have to be able to do this not for anyone else but for me, for my own sanity and self respect. I need to be able to look in the mirror and feel good about myself.