Monte Carlo or bust?

Hi Stephen happy new year! Can't wait to get the tree down and put my sewing machine back! Lots of projects in mind.

Hello Mrs Contrary, how does your garden grow ?

I’m tentavely stepping into your place of ramblings to say ‘ hello ‘ and wish you well, also to say I’ve enjoyed reading your honesty and the way you write.

Quite an appropriate username ‘ Mary go round ‘ for an f & f, cool lyrics.

Anyway, keep focused and churning out stuff your creativity on that sewing machine

I wish I was a robot! I wouldn't have this emotional turmoil. 'Do androids dream of electric sheep?' A book made into 'blade runner '. I digress. Thanks Stephen for recommending a sewing machine, that made me laugh. There are 2 adverts on tv using 'impossible dream'. One is a seventies motorbike rider driving along a beautiful stretch of road, it makes me laugh and think of you. I've had a lot of emotional rubbish dumped on me over the last few weeks. The last thing was my cg getting a new contract which he thought would make him permanent saying 'until end of January'! I'm gutted for him, what a kick in the teeth. So my anxiety is rising, I can feel it. The fear. I've also got myself into a situation with the in laws! Let's hope it's a good outcome, I can feel it is a manipulated situation by my mother in law. I'm going to theatre with her, sister in law and aunt in law(?). Going with my daughter. It's an olive branch. I'm nervous. I'm also curious to see how they behave and see if 'everybody ' knows. I need to get rid of my overthinking. I need to get my confidence back. What's that phrase that uses 'conviction'? Anyway that's what I need!

'It's been emotional!' o*g where does it come from. Shame?

Good afternoon MGR,

None of us are robots even if us CG's comes close to such term while active....
Hope you have had a reasonably good time with the inlaws and maybe had some peaceful moments.

Overthinking can bring a lot of doubt alongside. But as my counsellor said, doubting is healthy as every decision we make has a sprinkle of doubt in it.

We also talked about emotional cycles. Like ya know..have a bad day but as saying goes "tommorow is another day". I had to protest because "another day" for me is the same rubbish day if I'm in a negative cycle. It is all different lengths for us. One can bounce back in a day - another in a week/ few weeks.
At the end of the day it's what's going on in this "box" on our shoulders. Which path we choose in thought process. We are in charge of the outcome..how about that huh?

I have always blamed my personality on my star sign lol (Gemini) because I could never make a decision..back and forwards. I even questioned my Dad if he is the same (he is a Gemini also) but he has no such issues...& then I realised that it's my overthinking is a lot to play in here. I overanalyse, distrubt and mostly always sabotage quite simple decisions. My negativity outweighs positivity. I look for coals in gold.

Deep here already. Saturday morning/ aft lol. ..

I wish you a good day. Maybe take some time for self kindness & self care? I heard those helps. Give your thoughts a break ☺

Stay strong and true to yourself

S&B xx

Well I haven't posted for a while. I'll read diaries, read new members , f&f, unanswered posts. It's all a bit much sometimes, plus counselling. So I'm trying to preoccupy my mind. Back to my sewing and reading. Trying to get motivated. I see my lack of enthusiasm for everyday life as depression. So I'm dealing with it. I feel much better and trying not to worry.

Hi MGR

Thanks for passing by my diary and i completley get what you say. I wish you the best in your recovery and take great understanding from your diary, as you say it as it is which is what i admire. i do have a slight problem in that i have still got a credit card hidden from the missus which is about 700 , i know i should tell her about this but i think i will pay it off, i think i should tell her as she might be happy i was being honest.

Anyway all the best for your recovery.

Harry

Thx Harry I wrote on your diary 100% honesty is the only way. Good to see someone come back. Where do they go when a cg stops their diary? Sometimes I think it's just too much seeing the stories. Sometimes I can't believe what I read. Some just want to pick your brain, get a bit of advice and off they go. Into the abyss, I hope not. So I'm still at counselling, it's good, it's helping. Trying to get my motivation back. New books, new sewing. Occupying my mind to stop the negative thoughts, thoughts of the past and things I cannot change. I had a bad experience with a friend and decided to call it a day in our friendship. I feel a bit bad but I couldn't take it anymore. Too negative, becoming confrontational and irrational. Unhealthy and I have to look after me.

Hi MGR,

Good to see your doing well, I personally like your staright talking as it is often the truth and good to hear it from the other side. Slowly things are getting better with my wife and i am learning to take it.

Good luck

I think I'm on repeat! Counselling is good, gamanon is good. Why are we so willing? Why? It is what it is. This is the way I am. I'm not perfect but I'm paving my way the best I can. Why would you not educate yourself. Learn about something you don't understand. If I burn myself I use oven gloves next time. I know a lie. I've still been fooled, conned, deceived. I try not to judge. I am powerless. But I'm not powerless over my behaviour. I have changed, am changing. Trying to have a conversation rather than an argument. Moving forward. 'The Art of Listening ' ' listen to the good. Tune your ears to love, hope and courage' 'listen to yourself, listen carefully and change those things about yourself that you do not like.' 'Listen and you will hear the better person within you.'

Just read your last post, makes sense and thanks ever so much for popping by on my diary and for your words of support.

Wilsy

Good evening MGR

"If I could fix your broken heart, I would without doubt take a part

But when my own heart feels apart, it's hard to even make a start

They say the scars are sign of strength

And healing takes the place within...

So don't be scared to touch the wound

It may be painful but worthwhile.

And all I can do is stay by your side

With my echoing words "I wish I could fix your broken heart".

Stay safe

X

Lately I've heard the expression 'didn't love enough'. From both sides of the camp. I really don't see the relevance. It doesn't matter how much I love my cg, I can't stop him. If he loved me enough why? If she/he loved enough she would move/stay. If we loved ourselves what if? Would I leave or stay. Self preservation is always ignored. I have no problem if you stay, leave, go back, run for the hills. It's what you do to survive. I don't like to see someone giving someone a verbal 'slap' for helping, supporting. Unfortunately some don't see help in whatever guise it presents itself. Tough love that's the only thing that works. We've heard the excuses, the reason, the choice. Stand up and be counted. Try not to judge someone for looking after themselves because that's all we can do.

As Frankie was fond of singing Love is a many splendored thing, it's the april rose that only grows in early spring.

Unconditional love is a wonderful characteristic which we all harbour. A sight to behold or a wondrous sound bring peace and joy to Merry Go Round.

I am off to dentist shortly. Hoping the tooth fairy sprinkles a bit of love on my gnashers.

What are we afraid of? I've been thinking about putting this in discussion section. I think both cgs and family members, partners are all afraid of something. Giving up. Giving up gambling, giving up on your marriage, giving up trying. Fear keeps us stuck. We don't change. Why should we? Why not? I think a lot of us are scared of trying something new. Afraid of what we'll do. It's comfortable sitting here blaming someone else. We know what's going to happen, same old cycle. No one wants to acknowledge how they feel. You don't want to hear how someone else feels. What will life be without the gambling? What will you do? You only do it because you're bored? Surely the same old cycle is boring? I wanted my life to get better so I went and found out how to do it. I fell down many times, I'm bruised and battered. I'm not even the gambler but it chewed me up and spat me out just the same. Addiction wears many masks and it fools the addict as well as those around it. Why are we afraid as partners or others by speaking the truth? Why can't we say how we feel? Why can't we walk away? Even going to a gamanon meeting I could see the fear in my husband. Don't go. Fear of what I might hear, fear I'll learn how to deal with him, fear I'll stop him, fear I'll find out. It's all consuming. But really what is there to be afraid of? It couldn't go on. So I did something, I made a choice instead of an excuse. I think about the cg who came on here and had a go at me for being honest. Where is he now? We don't like it when someone disagrees with us, doesn't say what we want to hear. Fear of the truth. Fear of people finding out. Fear of being judged. It's endless.