Monte Carlo or bust?

Went to see 'dr jekyll and mr hyde' yesterday. Phil Daniels a far cry from Quadrophenia! Thinking about it now it's like a compulsive gambler. A person has two persona. An angry, out of control 'beast', without a conscience.

It seems to be a while since I last updated this diary. Today is a good day, a year, a whole year. It has been up and down emotionally for me. I've felt quite depressed at times. I feel so much better now. I wouldn't be without my meeting, support is so valuable. My cg is so much calmer, honest and willing to talk. At last he listens. Peace of mind is what we all want, a halt to the chaos.

Great to hear that things are going well for you MGR.

It shows that it can be done with the correct things in place.

Damo

Thank you merry lady for posting on my diary. Your interesting observations and insight, into the addiction, offer great food for thought.

I enjoyed your recent post around the theme of fear. It made me question my own fears (real or imagined) and the futility of negative thoughts and emotions. I appreciate your support as I summon up the courage to stay on this recovery road.

It is indeed a perilous journey, beset by unimaginable horrors. Foul smelling gambling demons hurl abuse from the roadside, my ears fill with their tormenting screams whilst hordes of grinning betting shop workers lie in ambush, ready to drag me screaming onto their insidious machines. Gruesome financiers take turns vandalising my broken heart and trampling my lonesome soul.

On a brighter note I am feeling very jolly today. The sun is shining and life feels good. I returned to the GA room last night with my tail between my legs though I enjoyed the meeting immensely, the chairman is excellent and provides a good basis for frank and open discussion. Relevant points are raised and good advice offered.

Wishing you a lovely weekend ...stephen x

Hi Stephen hope you're ok wherever you are. I wanted to write this because I keep hearing denial and conflicting messages, not from anyone in particular, not necessarily here, just life. I wanted to say what I did to change my life. Where I went. Firstly I went to hell. I went to what felt like a place where people couldn't hear me. There was blatant lying, foolish suggestions, coercion, you name it any kind of persuasion to get me onboard. This was in my home, my husband, his family. I stood alone, hated, like I was some kind of alien. A terrible wife who wouldn't sign that loan, that life away. I could see addiction almost like a person in my house. At that time I didn't know how to get rid of it, placate it, stop it laughing in my face. This continued for probably 2 years. Conflict, tears, ignoring, being ignored. Hell. Secrecy and lies that was my life. But we all find out in the end, addiction becomes desperate and needs an accomplice to continue. I made a deal with the devil, I know now I shouldn't have done but in some ways it saved us in others it didn't. Addiction wanted us to sell and move, the deal remortgage and The gp. The gp advised GA. Simple! It's not simple, it's not easy, it's not nice. It's shameful, it's upsetting, its brutal. Addiction sits next to you squirming, denial the other side. What about me, what about help for me, how was I going to learn how to cope? I found a meeting. I sat and listened and learnt, I read every book, ordered books online, bookstore, library (none there). I learnt everything I could, I've had 2 lots of counselling. I stopped going to meetings, I knew everything. The one thing I did know, I couldn't stop him. I had some control of finance, there was no credit score then. So I lived my life, but addiction had transformed into a mental health condition. He hid under the guise of depression. This jekyll and Hyde was a result of stress! I'm back at meetings because I found addiction under that cloak. There comes a point in your association with addiction when you surrender. It was impossible to live normally. Whoever reads this will agree or disagree. But if you've lived as I have with addiction for 20 years you just want the chaos to stop. I don't care how that happens, I don't care if it's a mile away or 25, I don't care if people don't understand. Don't underestimate the power of addiction. Don't think because I'm not an addict I don't understand. There's a poem that is about walking in my shoes. I've been given a few verbal slaps on here, but I'm not scared of them. I've stood my ground to my own detriment in my life, affecting relationships and friendships. People who don't understand, don't care. If I hadn't taken that hand of help, any help, I wouldn't be sat here. My life would still be chaotic and desperate and full of debt. There is a long road to go, my recovery is not over. My latest counsellor told me I have a gambling problem by association. Great!!! I'm laughing! Have a great day, just for today!

I've got Jesse j going round in my head 'it's all about the money, money, money, we don't need your money' 'we can't put a price on life'. How true. I'm yet again frustrated by people and their inability to look in the mirror. I've learnt the only person I can control is me. It's up to me to do something about my situation. If you husband partner child is a cg you have to face it. Deal with it, not control it. Get help for yourself. Stop relying on the other person to sort it out. If they get help, who helps you? They're going to be ahead in recovery and you're going to be living with denial. We are all individuals giving up time trying to advise and no one is listening. Mocking people's recovery with words like 'cult'. Unbelievable. The hell I've been to, the things I've heard, heartbreak I've seen. It's insulting to those who are helping. Do you know what happens to those you've insulted? They give up on you. They are working their recovery. Have you noticed how many comment on new threads? But do you know what? I don't care whether people judge because I have been to that dark place many times and if what I do helps, who are they to judge. I would do anything for my life to get better. How bad does it have to be for you to get real help? I am addiction poem says 'so if you have met me (addiction) and you think you can beat me and all will be well. NEVER forget that I will always be there waiting in the dark shadows just around the corner'.

I don't write on here much lately. I get exasperated. I find the 'it's them not me' mindset difficult to answer. I married a gambler. Why is that so abhorrent? Why are you so stupid? I'm not stupid. My husband isn't, well not all the time! Gambling is an acceptable pastime, as is going in the pub, so why is it so unusual for some to become addicts? Why is that socially unacceptable? Why is the addict the only one with a problem? I have a problem. I stayed with a compulsive gambler. But why is that a problem? It's all very confusing I know, but that is the problem. I am not married to a 'normal' person. I am willing to put up with bad behaviour, secrets, being manipulated. So I seek help. Why can't we/you/me see that? It's me, my problem. Therapy is very painful but a means to an end. The problem is where is the end? My thinking here is if you constantly expect an addict to sort their life out and you don't change your behaviour, where do you end up? In the same place. I've learnt so much. From my meeting, from here, from counselling. I can see the good and bad in all of those platforms. I think the really hard thing for everyone to admit in life is their faults. We all have them. But to recognise them and change then to benefit our lives is the hardest part. Am I perfect? Certainly not. I do try not to see the bad in people, but I get exasperated when they constantly say 'it's them not me'. Change you, change your life. Be productive not destructive.

The world keeps turning'

It gets merry like a merry go 'round

It gets cold like a frozen winter

Well I change like summer fall

But I know love is all in all

Seeds we're always sowing

The grace is always blowing

We've just got to lift the sail

And we're bound to hit the shore

We'll finally calm this storm

Trevor Hall

Pander to whims of sorry sad souls

But listen to loved one's anguished calls

Sorting out troubles gambling brings

Often alone and ignored in the wings

Good Morning Merry Go Round and a Happy Christmas. Wishing you well stephen x

Happy Christmas? I have to write here because I'm just out of advice. To be blunt just take that mirror and have a long look at yourself. Why? Because I have done things, accepted unreasonable behaviour, believed, ignored. I sure don't have a magic wand up these witches sleeves. What is it that made me accept this way of life? I talk about changing, I tell to take control, do something. It's not their problem, it's mine. I've just remembered something from my past. I had a long distance relationship with someone and when I eventually packed my bags and went to be with them it was completely different. They were addicted, to many substances. It scared me, I left. I later met someone who worked in the same building as me, a few years later. He always borrowed money, paid it back on payday. As time went on he became more open, 'I need money for a poker game!' I then found out he had a gf too! I got out of that too. I've realised now that I've been an enabler previously, these things I'd forgotten. CW always says you continue to meet these people until you change. How right you are. So is the advice to stay or go? The advice is to change. To stop accepting bad behaviour. People are many things but if they are a gambler they are masters of disguise, compulsive liars, saying anything you want to hear. I see my faults, I wanted to believe, I was willing to be conned. Now I'm trying to help others, but do you know most aren't listening. They don't see the change has to come from within. Not knowing someone, not seeing what is going on, accepting dysfunctional as normal. I didn't see normal because my childhood/father was dysfunctional. I see my father as a lonely dissatisfied old man. He's a liar, living in denial, never taken responsibility for his actions. But I can't change him, only me. My father in law the same. This is my reality and it's my responsibility to change. Not to wait for someone else to tell me what to do. Get help where I need it and give it back. Don't think this gets better overnight, it's a long road of uphill struggle and dips down. It's a continuation of self discovery and small changes. I'm not perfect, I'm just trying to get through today. If you don't look in that mirror what will happen? What are you willing to accept? There are many people just discovering that there's nothing but debt for Christmas.

Thanks S, I don't seem to see these replies?!? I've just had another verbal slap , it's not very nice. Asking for help and not liking what someone says is not an opportunity to berate them. You can politely ignore it or ask for clarity.

What someone else thinks of you isn’t your business. What you think of you does matter.

KOKO.

Hi MGR .

Having been a CG for more years than I care to remember I've had a huge insight into the way my mind worked whilst in action , I've also been gifted since i stopped a few years ago the opportunity to see what an uphill struggle you have in trying to offer the wonderfull advice that you give on this forum .

I'm only 3 yrs clean but also get frustrated at times when some turn up here expecting miracles overnight without wanting to change anything about their behaviour . I pretty much pick up on people early on these day's and you can see if someones open to the change reqiured to fix themselves .

Ignorance is sometimes bliss I guess ? and as the saying goes " You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink " .

Don't take anything to heart on here , people are angry that the have no control over their lives and it takes a while before they realise it's about them and not you .

You selfishly give your time to those you think you can help but I wasn't ready to listen until the day I did listen but somewher along the line someone's advice must have struck a chord with me :)) .

Trust me it doesn't all fall on deaf ears :))

Keep doing what you do and if they don't like it ........... Tough :)) xx

How true, Thankyou both. I've been in that angry place. I'm tough. I've told my daughter that saying 'if you don't want to be a doormat get up off the floor'.

Thank you merry one for visiting my diary.

Your words to describe the ballet "Nutcracker" were spot on: "Amazing, beautiful and good for the soul." Last night was the first time I had ever seen a ballet and I enjoyed every minute of it.

I hope you are happy and enjoying the wonderful adventure that is your life...Stephen x