Monte Carlo or bust?

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(@lethe)
Posts: 960
 

Sorry to see this too, MGR. Unfortunately it rings alarm bells as some of it is similar to the way Mr L behaved/spoke when he was back at it behind my back but I know you know your stuff in minimising any potential financial damage.

Look after yourself.

 
Posted : 11th August 2019 8:15 pm
(@amom_)
Posts: 37
 

This might not have anything to do with a relapse but it has EVERYTHING to do with addiction. 

You have worked so hard in your own recovery MGR I believe as you said something good will come from this.

I am sorry for the sadness, frustration and anger this must be causing you.

Cathy

 

 
Posted : 12th August 2019 3:01 am
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)
Posts: 1508
Topic starter
 

I'm so conflicted. I don't really know what to do. I see the addictive behaviour, I sense something is wrong. Because he's a cg I don't believe him, I think he's playing a game. I'm making decisions and then thinking I'm doing the wrong thing. What if ????? It's just going round in my head. 

 
Posted : 13th August 2019 11:07 am
(@amom_)
Posts: 37
 

What are you conflicted about?

 
Posted : 13th August 2019 1:38 pm
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)
Posts: 1508
Topic starter
 

Facing divorce when I want to stay married. 

 
Posted : 13th August 2019 7:13 pm
(@amom_)
Posts: 37
 

I am so sorry MGR. Life can be really painful.

I hope you have someone to talk to in real life.

Cathyx

 
Posted : 13th August 2019 10:06 pm
(@deano18)
Posts: 20
 

Hi mgr,

sounds to me like your instincts are spot on, he’s for want of a better word manipulating you, he’s playing your emotional boundaries to try and get some Lea way. An active gambler with their back against the wall will come out all guns blazing than admit defeat, he wants you to back off, he’s looking for that hole in your defences. Addiction is crazy there’s no off switch, at the minute he’s looking at passing his pain on to you to deal with, sounds like he’s gone in to the infant stage of kicking and screaming to get what he wants. 

You've done nothing wrong, and shouldn’t feel like you have,  start using reverse psychology, put your focus on you and what you want, can he give you what you would expect your child’s partner to give them. Don’t go chasing it’s what an addict thrives on. Look after yourself first as a priority if you don’t who will?

deano

 
Posted : 14th August 2019 8:37 am
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)
Posts: 1508
Topic starter
 

Thanks Deano and Cathy. You're both right and saying what I'm thinking. My fear is what's kept me in this cycle. It's been my choice to follow this path but admitting defeat and being honest with myself is where it's brought me. The weirdest thing is he's really calm. The psychological aspects are so interesting. Now I feel like the guilty person when all I'm doing is putting myself first. God knows how you/he/they feel when in action, lying, chasing. I'm also petrified of the fallout. The outcome of my actions. 

 
Posted : 15th August 2019 6:03 am
(@deano18)
Posts: 20
 

Addicts in action generally don’t feel anything, it’s like stepping into the twilight zone, rational ceases to exist. It’s like running a race you remember the beginning and the end. The come downs hard, reality kicks in, a thousand excuses start filtering through your brain. People think it’s a choice, it’s deeper than that, it’s hard to fight, it drives you to do things and say things that you just normally wouldn’t.

 

you can’t kick yourself you’ve done everything you can. You’ve gone above and beyond to help him. He’s trying to hurt  you because you’re the final barrier stopping him from gambling. Don’t get drawn in to his reality, continue on as you would, continue going to meetings. Keep the focus on yourself it’s not selfish.

deano

 
Posted : 16th August 2019 10:41 am
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)
Posts: 1508
Topic starter
 

You talk a lot of sense. I wish there was more opportunity to talk to gamblers who are knowledgeable. Even though the reality is no one knows what another is thinking and I have no idea what his plan is as he never really talks. 

Sitting amongst a pile of books clearing out 20 years of stuff. It's all gotta go!

 
Posted : 16th August 2019 4:48 pm
(@deano18)
Posts: 20
 

I’m quite a reserved person myself, my wife often thinks I’m in a mood when I’m not, I’m quite content in my thoughts and have a tendency to just drift away. Men tend to not like burdening their wife’s with trivial problems.  In a way I feel he maybe pushing you away because he’s scared of your reaction.

although there’s the possibility he may not of gambled he will still have the traits of an addict, new behaviours are hard to form especially when you’ve been a certain way for so long. I still feel like I’m lying sometimes and I haven’t bet in almost 3 years. Old habits die hard I guess.

i don’t think I’d react in a way your husband has if I hadn’t gambled, I’m always happy to answer any questions my wife asks, she doesn’t have many, we just moved on. 

It’s a shame the forum isn’t the hive it once was, there was some great knowledgeable people that used to grace these pages who may of been able to help you better than i, but since I’m here you’ll have to make do ? 

i remember our little chats about music, music has played a big part in my recovery. I’m thankful to you and all those of old who helped me when I needed it. It’s nice to pay it back I just wish it was under better circumstances.

 
Posted : 16th August 2019 8:12 pm
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)
Posts: 1508
Topic starter
 

Thanks deano, haven't been on for few days. Trying to process what's going on. I've talked to him, got legal advice and it's done, over. He doesn't want to be with me. Doesn't want to change, improve relationships, go to meetings etc. I don't want it to drag on either.

My daughter got her gcse results yesterday, she did really well. We went out for lunch, but you feel you can't do that with him now. You end up feeling like he does it deliberately, it's a cloud hanging over us. But when is a good time?

As Gloria gaynor said 'I will survive '!! Got to go through it to come out the other side.

 
Posted : 23rd August 2019 7:28 am
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)
Posts: 1508
Topic starter
 

Hi my name is Lisa and I’m the wife of a compulsive gambler also known as merry go round.. I wanted to look at my diary, took a while to find it. Still partners don’t start diaries. I think it would help.

anyway! 2019 what a year! So divorce never happened. I think he had an ‘episode’ (bipolar 2). Was all very weird and totally did my head in. So I went to a relationship counsellor. That really helped me. Now all I try and focus on is me. I severed my self financially. Tenants in common. It’s to do with the house and assets. Means no one can come after me financially for his debts. It’s made me feel secure.

i also went back to work. I was so nervous, i hadn’t worked for 17 years. It’s good to feel I have a purpose and also can earn money. It all reinforces my sense of security. 
Things are pretty normal. As far as I know my partner doesn’t gamble now. He’s definitely been mentally affected by 30 years of lying, manipulating, depression, stress, self loathing, hiding,etc. the list is endless.

he still doesn’t have access to bank accounts. We work with a card that you can’t go overdrawn with, can’t pay large amounts online. If he withdraws cash he shows receipt etc.

 The major thing from all of this is that the recovery is mine. He has his own recovery. I had to stop sorting out his mess. Stop paying debts. Stop enabling. I’m not responsible for anyone else but myself.

gambling doesn’t make you a bad person, it damages you and everyone else around you. 
I believe it’s self medicating for other problems, feelings, trauma. You get into habits that lead to addiction. You have addictive personality. Gambling is designed to be addictive. The digital world is addictive. Scrolling is equivalent to slot machine.

it never stops until you choose to stop. That applies to the gambler and his enabler.

grant me serenity, to accept the things I cannot change courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

you have to understand the prayer to gain the courage to change your life.

i hope this helps someone and let’s those of you who used to read my diary that I’m ok x

 
Posted : 25th September 2023 8:14 am
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