Monte Carlo or bust?

Hi Matt thx, I'm talking about my meeting and you can't talk about it, what's in the room stays there. But I addressed it and spoke to another member and sorted it. I'm wife of cg, it was just something that upset me. Cryptic!

Cider vinegar and honey for a cough, feel maybe a cold coming which I hate. Probably as a result of feeling rubbish, down, upset. Today is the only day I need to deal with. I had a problem with something I dealt with it, I asked questions about myself, I found a way to feel better. I acted on my feelings and sorted it. Apologised, made amends. I feel better. I am not a compulsive gambler so I haven't been in that room and heard the advice. I haven't had gamcare counselling. I have had therapy for post natal depression, I have gone to group therapy courses. 'Stress management ' and 'rational thinking'. Being married to a compulsive gambler is a challenge but not the biggest I have faced. I see self pity, anger, betrayal. I see self loathing, repeated destructive behaviour. People walking away from? Each other, discussions, gambling, money, responsibility, their conscience. I think your conscience is very important. If I'm angry at someone my conscience will pester me. Sort it out, talk, apologise, deal with it, take it on the chin. I am often wrong. I will try and make amends, I look at it from their viewpoint. I try and work out why. So I can see why a cg chases. It's all consuming, give it back. Do they see it from where I'm stood? Do they see their behaviour? Do they see my devastation? Are they awake? Can you hear the birds? See the trees? The only person I am responsible for is myself. If I go through life disregarding others that will bring me nothing. If you have gambled the whole of your relationship you have affected others. If you can't see that, your conscience can, it will pester you. If you can see what you have done you can help yourself by dealing with it. I might write a letter, that way someone can choose to read it or not, but I have written it down, got it out of my head. Don't think that you're alone, don't think this just affected you. It's a pebble in a pond, it ripples and it reaches the edges. A compulsive gambler will affect many people. Don't underestimate the damage. Initially the only person that matters is the gambler. He has to stop. But if you want to move on you have to resolve your conscience. Take responsibility for your actions. Be a better person. Do you think that it was fair to be in a relationship lying? Do you think that the other person in that relationship wasn't affected by your lies? Do you think they didn't question their worth, behaviour, sanity? By lying you trap that person. You will tell them the sky is green, you hoodwink them. You then confess, you move on, you get better. If that person doesn't seek help, counselling, gamanon. They blame themselves. They are emotionally stuck. Some carry that to other relationships, choose badly again. Some want revenge. Some want peace. They just want to get off that merry go round. They jump. They don't wait for it to stop, they don't have the time, patience, vision. They are so hurt they can't look at?? The mess, the person, themselves. So if you work on the premise that you are the only one who needs to stop, needs to get better, how does it work? If you never make amends and acknowledge the damage how do you move on? Watch out for your conscience. It will pester you.

Haven't posted for few days. Time to think, time to wonder what? Partners of cgs don't understand? Really? I think that's a generalisation and it suits a cg to say that. A reason or excuse to continue. Another controlling mechanism. Lying is another. Denying someone an opinion, a choice. A reason to continue. If you lie, don't tell, you can return to your mistress. Compulsive gamblers are compulsive liars. I understand the loss, the chase, the anticipation, the dopamine. The person in my house who now says 'what was I doing?' isn't me. lets turn it around 'how would you feel if you'd been lied to for 20 years?' You will recover more quickly if you stop lying. You will find other ways to control debt, money, behaviour. There are many ways to help and isolating yourself with your secrets isn't one of them. If you really want to stop you will do anything. If you want to hide it you will do anything. The whole point is you are out of control, therefore you want to control others, control their reaction, their behaviour.

Coming here is my reality check. I try not to let gambling rule my life. Try not to 'go back'. Keep moving forward. Then try not to be complacent. Just try and be me.

Hiya merry

Since I have stopped gambling and lieing the mist from round your head leaves and your start to become more happy with yourself in my opinion .when we was gambling our brain was always thinking of ways round stuff how to get money how to hide this and this and when we stop we can start to see clearer .you are doing great and your posts are helpful keep up the good work tommy

Thanks tommy. I do wonder if I appear to be a gambler because I write a diary. Anyway hope I'm helping myself foremost but others too. I find it interesting how little we know about debt. I'm learning how a payday loan works. I see the adverts and think 'why would you pay that much interest?' As someone who has not been in that position it baffles me. But I'm trying to understand and I think I've got it. When I first started work I used to travel by train and then walk across London Bridge. Occasionally I'd walk with a colleague who was an older male. We worked in finance and I would ask him about credit cards. He told me always pay the bill in full, credit card interest is more than a bank loan. So I took that advice. I was also brought up believing if you haven't got the money you can't have it. So now we live in a world where we are bombarded by money. Not even real money. It's all digital debt. Does anybody actually think now, I can't have that I can't afford it? That's reality. A world of greed, keeping up with the 'joneses'. When you have something you've worked hard for and paid in full maybe you appreciate it more. I don't know.

Deep breaths! Deceit? Lying? Hiding? Avoiding? Someone wrote on a thread I started that they thought talking to your parents before or instead of your partner was 'crass'. I'm so annoyed by what I've read this morning. I hate seeing someone lying to their partners whilst in the midst of gambling. I know that feeling, suspicion, something's not right? I know what it feels like when you find out you've not only been lied to by your partner but by their parents too. Some may think nothing of keeping that secret but long term it's not really their secret to keep. It's not for them to carry your burden. Reality is if you're still lying you're still keeping that door ajar to sneak back through. You've also taken someone else's hard earned money. If they were a bank they'd get interest. In reality they are probably never going to see that money again. That is not honesty, not admitting your problem. It is continuing the cycle of deceit, and now you are involving others. The reality is you will get found out, you will become so desperate that this will haunt you. How much more are you going to steal from your 'loved ones'? How much money? Time? Trust? The damage you are causing to your relationships is immeasurable. Not only your parents and you, your parents and your partner, you and your partner. Trust me,I know. Denying someone an opinion, a choice, an opportunity to help, to leave, to trap someone. Asking others to lie. Desperate times. I m sitting here thinking 'why am I so angry, it's not me, not my problem'. I'm so angry because that's what happened to me. Lied to like I'm some fool, like it's ok to treat me like that, not only by my cg, but by someone who is not addicted! If you choose to get yourself into such financial straits stand up and be counted. It's your choice to lie, to place that first bet. It's your choice to stop. To all parents, do not keep that secret. It's just prolonging the cycle.

Agreed!!!

Lying is more addictive than the act of gambling. It’s lying that will keep the addict in a constant circle.

Addiction thrives from a lie you’ve only got to read this forum to see the proof of that.

To break addiction you need one simple method and that’s stop lying. The truth always come out in the end.

Here’s the song I mentioned a while back before I got deleted lol

https://youtu.be/MMHuSa5UZk0

Hi merrygoround. I can't help but think that you're referring to my recent diary with your comments re parents/partners - perhaps I'm mistaken but the point resonates with me. I'm not here to argue with you - you make a perfectly good point and a valid one at that. Perhaps discussing this with parents ahead of my partner is a cop-out - why else would I do it otherwise after all?!

I guess I have my own way in which I wish to shape my recovery, for better or for worse. I have taken other steps, which I haven't done before in order to beat this addiction - a diary, relinquishing the privacy of my banking activity etc.

Who knows, many I'm doing the wrong thing. But I feel like positive steps are being made at this early stage. I hate myself more than anything right now, and selfishly I don't want to compound this with someone else feeling the same. The pain would be too much.

I appreciate everyone's feedback here and I'm sorry for hijacking this thread.

I had to use my best Halloween costume to get past security lol

I’m a big fan of this f&f fixture in the recovery section a shared platform.

You’re quite active on the forum and I’ve been reading it over 2 years now and only really seen 3 or so others hang around more than a few posts.

I enjoy your input and I hope you’re getting as much from the forum as you’re putting in

Deano

Thanks deano! 'What's wrong '? Unfortunately you are not alone in wanting to 'protect' your wife. I see it as control. Others have commented on your thread about not telling her too. As for parents that's up to you and the others on here who get a bailout. You see and hear what I said. It's not just you. But the trigger is that is what my cg did to me. Unfortunately it has devastated me, the ultimate betrayal, telling others before your life partner. I try to write how I feel as an example to others, to help, advise what not to do. To help me. I think honesty is paramount. I've seen first hand that the lying drives the addiction, it lets you continue however hard you want to stop. It's up to you how you choose to abstain. It's a much better way when you work together.

It's all over the news, justyn larcomb, labour mp tom Watson, talking fobts and online gambling. He seems clued up, epidemic coming! Even he says another delay by government. What a surprise!

The review seems a good read

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/government-to-take-action-on-fixed-odds-betting-terminals

Well we can all live in hope but ultimately it's down to the individual. I do worry for the online generation.

I do too MGR.

Cathyx