Monte Carlo or bust?

Hey Cathy, more young ones on here. The world of credit and the interest rates went up! Disaster. So I don't want to post all the time, I also hate being accused of stating the obvious. Dress it up however you like, I prefer honesty to fancy dress. I really struggle when I see people actively seeking help but not doing it 100%. I'm an honest person I can't help it. I think it has to do with insecurity, not doing something someone won't like or seeking reassurance, always asking if anyone minds, etc. I've said I think lying is about control. So when someone who is not the addict is 'covering' , lying for them. I've done that, inadvertently, stupidly, not realising the repercussions. So it's playing on my mind. You want to stop the addicts addiction, you seek help, but you continue to control the situation by lying. It's just bugging the * out of me. What is the point if you're perpetuating the cycle? Help is not being taken, wasting your time and my time. If we could control the addict and their addiction we wouldn't be here, would we? I think damage limitation is a mistake. Controlling someone being 'judged' is protecting yourself, not the addict. You don't want to be judged, you blame yourself. Is compulsive gambling a crime? The more you talk about it the less taboo it becomes. It's like swearing on tv, you don't even notice anymore. So the more you talk, the more help you get. The more people understand. Don't they?

The problem MGR is that we are looking through our rear view mirrors. I have been doing this for 10 years and you for longer than that. It really is a long road but everyone must walk it for themselves. We are reading and thinking "you need to do this" or "what you are doing is a recipe for disaster" but alas the nature of addiction is one big lie ... mainly to ones self.I really believe people (on both sides of this addiction) will do what they do until it doesn't work for them. When we know better we do better.

Seeing all the young people on here breaks my heart. Yet realistically I know that this is just the beginning of a very long hard road.This addiction rarely just up and disappears because "I have learned my lesson and never want to gamble again". Unfortunately it is not that easy:(

Cathyx

Thanks Cathy I'm just noticing controlling behaviour. I'm realising how things in my past have been about control. Don't tell, not about gambling but about money etc. New things, holidays, relationships. Controlling reactions, responses, judgement, opinion, choices. Compulsive Gambler says it how it is. A true honest story for f&f to digest! How it is possible to deceive for a very long time. I know that feeling, it's funny I don't feel anger. More sadness, loss of togetherness, loneliness. We are where we are are. Finished my book, Beautiful Dead, took a while, just few pages at night, better than sleeping tablets! New book. Sewing is going well I've made, since July, 2 dress for me, 1 dress for daughter, 1 blouse. New project I've unpicked tartan skirt that doesn't fit me any more made bag with padding and lining. Trying to work out strap/handles. This is going round in my head paloma faith 'cry baby'. "You keep coming home drunk
And I don't know what's up
You can talk to me
Spare those whiskey dreams
Don't have to man up
That phrase kinda sucks
Let yourself be free
And open up to me"

It's very interesting reading around the site and some differing views. My cg and I were looking at our wedding photo. He commented on his appearance, hair, smile/ not smiling. I said 'were you thinking about all the lies? Thank god dad bailed me out?' He said 'I'm looking forward now, trying not to think about the past'. I think that's a good philosophy but I also think you could have a little remorse. On f&f disbelief and despair are initial feelings. There's also a lot of guilt. Why should we feel guilty? I don't have guilt or do I? Maybe for not keeping calm, for shouting but definitely not for standing up for myself. Is the best thing to do to end relationships? I don't know because I didn't take that route. A lot of partners take it personally. How could you? Why? If you loved me? Some say it's like cheating, having a mistress. I don't know if it's worse I haven't been there yet! But it's all about deception, lying. So if you lie to someone why are you so upset when they do it to you? It's not very nice when you discover someone's had a secret life you knew nothing about. Guilt. It's an interesting feeling, a feeling we blame on others. Don't feel guilt take responsibility. If you don't like the way someone has treated you maybe think about how you treated them. Treat someone how you would like to be treated.

Futility! What a great word, thankyou Stephen for inspiration. I've been keeping away from my diary because as some read it they think I'm directing it at them and then they want to confront me, take out there misconceptions on me. Thanks. I write about me, this is my diary about how I feel. I've felt pretty rubbish. I wrote on someone's thread 'damned if we do, damned if we don't '. There is great advice out there, on here, in books. You have to want it. Take it and change. If you don't it's futile! Pointless, do you really want the advice or do you just want someone to say 'it's ok'? It's not ok, that's why you're here, that's why I'm here. I'm questioning many things about my behaviour and choices, I'm trying to see a way through. How bad does it have to be? I've heard all the excuses, the reasons. I've seen the look in people's eyes, I've felt that cold shoulder. The reality is I have to do this for me. I can't change anyone, I can't help if you don't want it. It's futile. There's a debate about what to say to someone who constantly relapses. There's not really anything because they're not listening. It's futile. If you want your life to improve you have to change. Be honest, stop controlling the situation. Look for ways to change, look for things to help. Retrain your brain, do something different. Anything. I notice when someone is listening, they may not agree, they may find excuses not to change or do, or ignore, but, they heard me. I feel my contribution is futile. It probably isn't but that's how I feel regardless. Some advice is hard to take. It's hard to hear that this is a result of your mistakes. That's how I feel, they are my mistakes. I can't do anything about them. But I can try to not make the same mistakes today.

Feel bad, conflicted, damned if you do damned if you don't. On visit to mother in law told her how I feel, what I thought, they tried to shut me up, not anymore. I think she got more than she bargained for. Just stuff she says and my cg looking for praise and approval just triggered me. I couldn't help myself, as Alan said 'it's time'. Things she said stick in my mind. She sat there and stroked my hand saying 'yes I knew'. 'Everybody knows'. 'I wouldn't have him stay here'. 'I'm not a liar'. 'Everyone has got little quirks'. She did say she was sorry, but that doesn't help or change it. Now I can't stop thinking about it. I'm conflicted because I feel I shouldn't have done it. I just can't keep playing the 'gagged' person. I apologised for upsetting her, but now I know. Now I feel she felt she had power over me. She shrugged off the problem, disassociated herself from it, but has let it destroy our relationship. I saw the same manipulation from her. So I need to work through my feelings. Today I feel I don't know if I can forgive her. I just feel upset. For anyone reading this, don't underestimate what lying can do.

Still feel pretty rubbish, spoke to counsellor on phone about not coping and how do I forgive. Going to counselling Friday so moving through this quick sand. Then this appeared in my Fb page by anonymous '

I do not define myself by how many roadblocks have appeared in my path.
I define myself by the courage I’ve found to forge new roads.

I do not define myself by how many disappointments I’ve faced.
I define myself by the forgiveness and faith I have found to begin again.

I do not define myself by how long a relationship lasted.
I define myself by how much I have loved, and my capacity to love again.

I do not define myself by how many times I have been knocked down.
I define myself by how many times I have struggled to my feet.

I am not my pain.
I am not my past.

I am that which has emerged from the fire.

~ Anonymous

I am sorry you are struggling right now Merry 🙁

Cathyx

Thanks Cathy. I had thought I'd be ok but I think the juggernaut I've talked about, ran me over! I'm reading this book, just trivia called 'something only we know'. Picked it up in the library because of the author, didn't really think about the title. It's about family secrets! I then read this "but I was overtaken with the surge of power that comes from holding charged information". That's how I feel, she had/has power over me, and I felt it when she was talking to me. I just wish I could switch my brain off. Can't stop thinking about things.

Merry is the way to be, content and happy as a bee .........( or happy as a bee was before we messed up his environment)

Go on being your true self

Round on an angel or an elf

Thanks Stephen I hope you're having a great family get together. So I have my first session of counselling today. I hope it helps me shake these recurring thoughts. It's just a constant replay in my head. I need to learn to let go. I have a personality that wants to resolve it and maybe I can't. Accepting that's the way it is, is difficult. I want people to have a conscience. I can't make everything better. I can only look after me. So frustrating!

Good afternoon dear lady

Very greatful for your contribution to this forum. Emotions and feelings oozes from you. Your thoughts has helped me immensely over the past month...thank YOU.

I am a CG. I am that "poorly" person who has got tangled up in her own head and seeking destroying & easy ways to escape from it all. Diference between us: - you seek answers to someone elses actions while possibly questioning your own role in all this, while I just look for a easy and cowardly way out not being able to manage my emotions.
I am a thinker. Deep deep thinker. Always went against the flow. ..burnt too many times but also healed those wings enough for another take off to the sky...until another crash.

Thought about fixing someone else. I suppose it's in human nature. Trying to change something, not realising it's wayyy too big bite to chew...something out of our control...but still,..in my case, I'm swimming against the current. Can't accept I'm powerless on many things in life.

My counsellor made me ponder the other day..about being stuck. She said, to stop running away we need to head back to the place where it all got to shambers. Doesn't matter when that was. Some has to revert back to childhood, teenage years or later years. To the place where we learned enough of life but somehow let situations break us. That "person" knows the lessons already, had a path to follow but there was something what triggered a break in ones mind...or life.
Reverting back is necessary to understand yourself better.

Now..youre a wife of CG. People would say it's completely different ball game here huh. In my view it's not because you have many things to figure out, accept, change...you still have to deal with it all and find the best way out for your wellbeing.
Maybe your breakthrough was when you found out about your husband's secret life. Maybe you have to revert back to that place which broke you to start working out the way ahead.

In my opinion you're doing well. Very strong willed person, Deep thinker, compassionate soul.
I hope you're getting support and help needed. Counselling or in this common case CoDa meetings. Most importantly, and you have to remember this - you are most important individual to help yourself. Look after yourself, don't be scared to ask questions, forgive yourself for something what was out of your control. It's not your fault.

As of your husband. May strength and acceptance of his actions stays with him.

He went bust But he can repair himself and give you the freedom of life and peace you so deserve.

Stay safe and strong.

Keep talking.

Xx

Thankyou SJB, what a thoughtful post on my diary. It's not me it's them! Ha ha! I feel bit better, not going blo ody crazy!

It didn't make sense did it! Lol...
At least I made one correct sentence of it NOT being your fault!

Xx

I thought it made sense SJB, from my counselling session I learnt it's them not me. I'm going because I'm conflicted, can't stop thinking about my in laws and how they treat me. It's all about power, denial, dysfunction. Anyway it's going to get better! It's a beautiful crisp frosty morning. Boredom. Denial. That's what is happening. They say you need to be bored to ignite your imagination. We're all overstimulated by the digital world. You don't do something destructive because you're bored. You're running, hiding from something. Feeling worthless. At a low, vulnerable. Let's escape! Denial. You're denying your problems, feelings, happiness. Sometimes we can't do this by ourselves and there's no shame in asking for help. You have to ask yourself why you feel like this. Why don't you want to do something more rewarding? Why do you want to be alone? You don't, it's a vicious cycle. Self examination is hard but inevitable to work through your problems.