Monte Carlo or bust?

Hi M,

Thank you for your post.

Yes...emotions huh. They can hit us unexpected. How we deal with them is a key! I usually lose the clear head and drown in emotion.
It hurts. Why it hurts and why I fail to get better, I don't know.
That's what I'm working at with my counsellor. The traits I carry from early childhood has stayed the same in adulthood. They hurt.

Life is full of lessons. Pain maybe makes you stronger? I am not sure. I just want to learn from my mistakes.

Some people let stuff go quickly. I overthink, peel off the layers, question, argue, dig, investigate...basically I try to make a diamond from the stone! ...and I still fail to see that it was a stone all along.

Perfectionist..people pleaser, acceptance seeker...thats me.

At the end of the day..i hurt..but, I brought this on myself as I've been told...& I know I did. I just am very tired of carrying this guilt which eats me up to this day. This hurts too.

But there is a way forward. There is help and support, there is connection and colourful peaceful life going forwards.

I just need to keep reaching for it. Let go...forgive myself (but not forget) & most importantly learn from my mistakes...

I truly hope you're well. Your therapist helping you to understand things around you better.

I also hope that empty space you may feel in your chest, Is filling up with peace, Self care, kindness, belief and hope.

It is not your fault..never forget that.

S&B xx

Thanks Sandra. Oh my goodness, emotions have a lot to answer for. Counselling is helping but painful. It makes you think about things again and the reality of how relationships work, or don't in my case. I'm a talker, let's talk about it, deal with it. So it festers inside me when I'm up against people who don't do that. I bought a book, 'How to deal with difficult people'. I'm also going to write a letter, I need to face the juggernaut! I like the onion/layer analogy, that's me. Constantly trying to resolve things in my mind. Well apparently there's too much in there and I can't take in anymore! I find empathy is lacking. So I'm going to have to explain myself. This is an interesting explanation of my dilemma 'the karpman triangle'. Perpetrator, rescuer and victim. It will get better and I will be fine.

Hi, Merry,

I started CoDA a few months as well as GamAnon and that’s opening up new insights. Don’t know about change yet, but certainly insights. CoDA is about healthy relationships and the unmanageability caused by knowing and taking care of those around you but not knowing or taking care of yourself.

BW,

CW

Hi I haven't posted for a week or so. I looked at coda CW but as I'm doing gamanon and counselling it's too much at the minute. I'm not 100% it's on, it said 'needs support ' or something. It's on my radar. So something just made me laugh out loud that's written on here. What makes you gamble? Financial reward? Well do you know in all the years my cg gambled the only one who had financial reward was the bookies, the brokers, the casino, the online invisible parasites and the banks. Should I be laughing or shaking my head in despair? I think the question should be 'why do I gamble'. Anyway not my problem. I'm going to decorate my tree which is 20 years old and has seen better days. Excuses? We all make them. Time? You waste it. We come this way but once.

I've been thinking about realisation. When do we realise this is an addiction? When do we realise this is forever? When do we realise we have to change? I'm not an addict but affected by it nonetheless. The power of the mind. The notorious deceit that runs alongside. We have to want things to change and get better, move forward. So we take action. Change one small thing. So the thing that bugs me is the money. Not the fact that I control it, but the fact that I see disrespect for it. Years ago the man was the 'breadwinner'. He took the glory, responsibility. Now we are equal (?), supposed to be. But there is a resistance to who holds the money. The power, the responsibility. In reality what difference does it make? In the wrong hands money is damaging. Today money is almost irrelevant it's just numbers jumping from one account to another. So when do we realise the value of it? When it's gone? When it's bought you all those things? Do we revere it too much? Why do we always want more? Money doesn't buy you happiness is what we always hear. Happiness comes from within. It took a long time for my husband to realise he can't handle money. It's taken longer to realise it has nothing to do with money. It's the mind and the happiness within, the lack of it. I also have to realise what my limitations are.

Hi MRG, just read your diary from start to finish. Most enjoyable. Wishing you strength.

Thankyou P_K. Control is on my mind. Why do we want to control others? Why do we feel someone is trying to control us? We are powerless. The only person I am responsible for is myself. Is it because we feel out of control? You want to control the outcome. Ultimatums are controlling. If you do this, this will happen. Does it help? Consequences. Do they help? The only consequence I see is if you gamble you lose and hurt people. So why have more pain? I don't get it. I'm at a place now where I try and change me. I don't want to control my cg, I just want the pain to be less. The damage to stop. I can see that consequences and ultimatums cause more pain. Addiction is winning, because addiction doesn't care, it wants pain and loneliness. You have to fight it, stand up to it. You won't beat it, it isn't going away.

Resistance is futile! Focussing on the money, you're looking in the wrong place. Acceptance is key. Powerless we are. Honesty. Man in the mirror. The only person I can control is me. I'm saddened to see new stories on f&f, denial, debt being taken on by partners. I end up not knowing what to say or how to help a virtual person. Go to GA or gamanon. Educate yourself and stop repeating the same behaviour. Watch that rat go backwards and forwards for dopamine reward. Deal with the root, even if it's boredom, do something else, physical or mental. Action, do something about it. Self pity? That's not going to change anything. Blame? It's always someone else's fault, then you don't have to deal with it. Relapse? Thousands? Excuses? Someone has already said we say the same thing over and over. Writing a diary is not enough. Depths?

My husband said yesterday 'I'm really looking forward to Christmas!' 'Are you?' I was surprised and stunned. Not words that usually come from him. 'Yes first time in years I won't be gambling!' I see subtle changes in him, but definitely much more talkative and much better moods. It's shocking how damaging gambling is to your mental health, clouds your judgement, steals your time. Addiction doesn't care. The sooner you realise the better. But no one is really listening. They're right, you're wrong. Asking questions but not really wanting any answers. Going on and on about money. 'Once the debt is cleared'. What does that mean? It's the behaviour and mindset you have to change. Recovery is a long road that takes years. A quick fix isn't coming. You'll never be better. You'll always be an addict. Tough things to come to terms with.

Good afternoon dear lady,

Just wanted to drop by with well wishes for Christmas!

I said not long ago about lack of connection with people, you however (no need to start shaking lol) bring me peace and clarity in your posts. I may as well feel similar to your thoughts.

Am always looking out for them even if I can't fix your broken heart....

Be kind to yourself, armour yourself with the knowledge you have gained so far and don't give up hope for calmer times to come.

You matter, more than anything..

Merry Christmas to you and thank you for sharing your thoughts on these pages.

S&B xx

Thankyou for the Christmas greetings Mrs Merry Go Round. Hope your having a lovely christmas day.

Think your very brave sharing the kitchen with mother and daughter, ha ha it could be a recipe for disaster!

I look forward to digesting your anecdotes, dreams and reflections in 2018.

Hey there ☺

Here is your song!
Very Merry Christmas to you! Enjoy the food :-)...& yeah...sing along !

https://youtu.be/CI7gflX3J2k

S&B xx

Thankyou! Well what a good Christmas! It's so bizarre to think that that moody bloke didn't turn up this year! Everyone was happy, laughing, no arguing, just fighting over chairs and the sofa. I know Christmas can be a very stressful time, a worrying time, a sad time. Moving forward is all we can do. There are members who were here and I miss them, I hope they are ok.

I hate writing or helping or giving advice and being ignored. I know cgs think we have no idea, not a clue, we believed everything thing you said. It's so insulting. You ask for help, but you only want that persons help who agrees with you. You are still obsessing about the money. It's not about the money. o*g how is it that you don't see your addiction. I'm not in debt I'm ok! What? Then there is the troll under the bridge. This is self help. Not blame game. Lies and more lies. My husband exposed a lie he'd told at the dinner table. A lie about where he'd been and when. I didn't prompt him, he walked straight into it. But do you know what he said 'you were snooping.' In front of our children. It wasn't about gambling. That pebble he dropped in that pond is still rippling! Lying about anything. Does anyone actually admit to lying and the damage it does? Does anyone actually know how that feels? Am I an awful person, irrational? My triggers have been activated. We've talked about stuff, I've tried to explain that all this rubbish is down to his gambling. The mindset of someone controlled by addiction is all consuming. It clouds your judgement, affects every day life. He made out I'm a terrible person so he could lie and gamble. I'm not stupid and I've unknowingly been the scapegoat. But do you know what, no more. I'm going to deal with this in my way.

Happy New Year Merry go round. Wishing you peace, joy and contentment.

I look forward to following your journey in 2018. Keep your spirits up and don't let things get you down. When you have done your best to remedy a situation than it is out of your hands and not worth worrying about.

Hope you have some good adventures and projects to spice up your year. Maybe your fabrics will be transformed into beautiful creations on your sewing machine. Take care you don't P***k your finger, if you nod off for 100 years we will be long gone when you return. Take care ...stephen. x