Hi all,
I have been snooping around here for a few days reading recovery stories and diaries and I felt inspired to join in and tell my own story.
I started gambling in May 2016.
Doesn't seem that long ago. I only started because I was bored and saw an ad for Sky Bingo. I had a spare fiver in my account and thought it might be a fun way to spend a few hours.
It certainly was. I loved playing the games and chatting and by the end of a few hours I had wagered my welcome bonus and withdrawn £200.
I felt so lucky. So guess what? I began to gamble more. And I was still winning a lot! But instead of withdrawing my money I was enjoying the games and chat that much I just put winnings back into the games.
When my wins slowed down I would just hop to another site and start the whole process again.
I would estimate I won a grand or so over that summer playing bingo, but probably only withdrawn £300 of it.
Even though I was gambling a lot I didn't feel like I had a problem I was lucky and winning all the time after all.
But I began loosing. And suddenly I was topping up numerous accounts until I was struggling to pay bills and juggling money around. Sometimes I would put my last tenner in and lie to borrow money from my parents etc. I always paid back what I owed though as despite my big loses it seemed I still had a few wins that kept the hope alive of hitting the jackpot.
Fast forward a few months and I discovered slots. My very first spin on clover rollover netted me £100.
Even faster than with the bingo I was hooked. Every spin was exciting and unlike bingo I found myself having to put more and more money into the slots to prolong the game and keep the buzz going.
Starting off I lost a few hundred over a couple of months, would have a win of ВЈ300-£500 and either use half of it back on the slots or loose all of it.
I tried to quit while I was ahead every time, and would go to withdraw my money. But then that temptation to cancel the withdrawal and try and win more would come- and that voice in my head won more often than that.
From the beginning of this year to a few weeks ago I was depositing £50 at a time (depositing a fiver like when I first started was unthinkable!) And though I did have a few small wins I somehow still ended up using the majority of my wages each fortnight on slots.
After months of scraping by alternating with periods of 'security' from the odd moderate win it became a way of life.
Until one day I took the time to read my bank statement and realized I had gambled £360 in ONE WEEK.
This was on August. I have tried stopping off and on from then till now.
Last Sunday I once again had a spare fiver in my account. I joined a new casino (I'd self excluded from so many) and played it through. Won ВЈ40, doubled that, lost then was down to a tenner when I hit a bonus game. This bonus game was good to me- I netted £1,400!
I was thrilled, never won that much before. Wiser to my addiction I withdrew it straight away...
But then a few days later as I was waiting for my I. D check to clear with casino I had had a few wines and thought 'what's the harm? '
And boom. £400 gone in 2 hours.
I was gutted and withdrew the rest.
To cheer myself up I spent £200 on new clothes, self excluded AGAIN and began researching problem gambling.
I am on day three of no gambling. I have £800 winnings sitting in the bank. I feel fortunate to have that much considering i have wasted so much more in the short time this addiction has taken hold of me.
I am trying to save each month and the satisfaction of seeing my savings increase is great- hopefully I will be strong enough to keep focused on it and avoid temptation to gamble.
I always thought I was lucky, but I am not. Because like so many other problem gamblers I just don't know when to stop.
Thanks for reading and I do hope some of you follow my diary and comment, would be lovely to hear from you.
-Kat x
Hi Kat, welcome to the diaries. I have certainly lived through that cycle a good few times. Those sites are extremely effective in getting us hooked. Its very difficult to walk away with 'winnings' - partly because we don't see those winnings as normal money. Please, while you are feeling strong and determined, put in place every block and barrier you can, even if you think it's not necessary at the moment. Otherwise that money could be gone in an instant and you will be chasing. Don't let gambling take up another minute of your time, its not worth it!
If you get urges, I would recommend coming on here and reading, posting or going in chat instead.
It sounds like you haven't got in debt yet and have even managed to start saving. If you are able to stop now you will indeed be one of the lucky ones, I hope you can do it.
Keep posting here and well done so far on day 3.
Hi Kat, welcome to the diary section 🙂
Good to have you on board & great news that you have recognised so quickly that you need help with this. Don’t let addiction kid you that the money left in your account is ‘winnings’...It can’t be since you have deposited more than what you have. In most people’s cases, I would also be pointing out the considerable amount of time wasted but I get that given what you have posted elsewhere, this was something you were happy to surrender initially. Sadly you have crossed the threshold into compulsive gambling & because it’s an addiction, like all the other widely discussed ones, it is equally progressive...We cannot win because we cannot stop!
I get that you don’t want to ‘burden’ anyone but real life support is so important so don’t discount it...If you do decide to tell people (& I think you should, in fact I may get on your nerves bugging you to), there is a wealth of support here for them too, including free counselling service. Being a loner, addictive personalities, being the person who holds up everyone else & doesn’t want to ask for or accept help, along with many other labels makes us ripe for addiction...It provides a false sense of security, a fantasy world if you like & getting away from it can feel scary @ times. It requires a healthier change of mindset that can only be achieved when we break the circle of destruction but you get out what you put in.
Have a read round the site, call the helpline, break your gambling (Time-Money-Location, remove one & you cannot gamble) triangle, go to GA, speak to your GP, take all the help & use all the tools you need to get it under control before it takes anymore of your life. Watching savings grow & willpower won’t cut the mustard I’m afraid.
I’m not mad keen on the word lucky, it has it’s purpose but not where gambling is concerned...We’re all rubbish gamblers & luck has nothing to do with that. You are wise recognising it so quickly & I look forward to walking alongside you on your journey - ODAAT
Thank you so much for your replies!
4D- you are right I have been reading some horror stories of people loosing their homes and hundreds of thousands to gambling. Makes my blood run cold to be honest because if I carry on the way I have been that could well be me in another ten years...
How are you getting on? I have decided that every time I am tempted to gamble I will be writing in this diary so I really hope it helps! Thank you so much for your kind suggestions 🙂
Odaat -
Lol I am a typical lone wolf I agree the thought of talking to my family makes me cringe. I am so used to dealing with stuff by myself I find it very hard opening up to those I am closest too. Paradoxically though I am finding talking here and writing these forum posts is actually really helpful to me.
I was so tempted to gamble earlier on but came on here. Day 4 has been a tough one.
Thank you for your response and I do hope you are well 🙂
No such thing as luck where the gambling industry is concerned.They invest in very, very good IT experts who design games and features that will get their punters hooked and then keep them playing. The number of people who have substantial 'wins' shortly after sign up suggests that's just one of them.
You're not in the debt cycle yet but that's not far away if you carry on as you are and it doesn't always take ten years or anywhere near. I would echo the advice to ask for help from those closest as a start. Making yourself accountable to someone else makes it very much harder for you to gamble in secret. You're in a position to nip this in the bud. Many here would give their eye teeth to have recognised the problem and done something about it at the point you are at.
Lethe,
Thanks so much for your comment.
I know your right about talking to family etc but this is genuinely something I have trouble with. Talking to people about anything is difficult for me.
I am trying to open up to people a bit more but its a work in progress. For now I feel ok posting here. If I feel I do need to talk to my family I do hope I can get some help and support here. How does one sit down their family and say they have a gambling problem?
I am aware I have cottoned on to my problems early and I am not in debt. The thousands I've wasted on gambling have all been my own. Suppose its slightly less of a bitter pill to swallow knowing I've wasted my own money and not someone else's. I am trying really hard to keep this in mind as I go forward. Day 5 tomorrow 🙂
Day 5.
Have not gambled today. Received a pile of emails from bingo sites and casinos. Guess they are missing me. I deleted them all at once before that little voice began to talk me into trying my 'luck'
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