Well, sort of started my diary in the middle of it all but guess I can do a start and a new middle another time! Not sure how many days as I really don't want to think too hard at the moment about it but I know it's over 2 weeks now since I last gambled. To call myself an addict seems so strange, to me that's for people who can't stop drinking or doing drugs and as for people hooked on gambling ... Well that's old men in dirty coats at the bookies next to the pub. Except it's not, is it? It's me, I'm an addict. I'm a 38 year old, married woman, with a 15 year old son who is such a great lad, 2 step children who despite our ups and downs I feel I have a great relationship with, a hard working faithful and supportive husband, a horse and 5 dogs. I work part-time, i have friends, close and casual, I have a beautiful home - I have a great life. And at some point I decided to play online bingo then slots and f*** up everything. w*f. I don't know why or how or when it became a problem. I believe at times I was conscious that I shouldn't really be swapping money all over the place so I could have a bet. But it was ok, the school had P***** me off, my husband was 20 minutes later than he said he'd be, the horse field was muddy, it was sunny......at what point it changed I don't know. I didn't know it had really. Not until Xmas 3 years ago when all the online deposits I'd forgotten about suddenly left my bank account and I realised I'd spent all the kids Xmas money, woah did I feel low. I'll never do it again I promised as my husband transferred my credit card debt to one of his with a 0% rate so I could work on clearing my debt. I was ok it didn't really count having the odd 20 quid on my phone a few months later, I was just having fun I thought. Then, my husband, who was so proud of me for not gambling renewed his phone contract and got an ipad with it - it became my Xmas present. I got a new email address and oh my bank card was renewed, all new details....I wonder....I always did like "that" site, it was always "fair" wasn't it?..and so it began again...I'm going to have my dinner now so I'll add some more when I'm ready again.
Hi Ali
This addiction is a frightening one as no one sees the damage for quite some time and yet it is all consuming to us that are in the middle of an episode. Gambling is a symptom of an underlying issue usually and it might be worth speaking to someone on here regarding online counselling. Try installing software blocking so you are unable to gamble even if you wanted to. Keep reading on this forum and post like mad and get rid of those demons. Stay strong and don't listen to that little voice you recognise as the gambling demon
Take care
Hi smiler, thank you so much for your comments. I'm in a really good place ATM which is how I've started to do a diary. I've hid it, admitted it to my husband, bricked myself!, contacted gamcare and consequently breakeven and have had my assessment and first session already. It took all that for me to even think of starting my diary. I fully agree with you, it's hidden and totally soul destroying, it spirals until there's nowhere to go and if you speak of it people look to the sky for a UFO cos you can't possibly be making sense. It's people like you who take the time to care what's posted on here and respond that's helped me to realise I'm not alone, I do have a problem and that (for me, as I feel ready) there is help. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and for being supportive, I'm going to change my life and I hope I can support you too if ever needed xxxx Ali xx
Ali
Welcome to the diaries section, you have laid the foundations for recovery, for that take pride.
This addiction takes no prisoners, it is not prejudiced it will kid you it's your best friend,isolate you and turn it's back when it has taken all you have to give and more.
Through recovery you get to take your life back, it is better than any win you will ever have through gambling and I hope you like me will get to enjoy it.
Take the belief you have in yourself and nuture it.
In the words of the honourable SmIler
Be kind to yourself, it will happen.
I am honoured to be able to share those words, in my first day they had a profound affect on my life.
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Hi Ali and welcome to the forum. I read your diary and believe me, I was the same. I couldn't think of myself as an addict, but I am, as once I start gambling I can't stop. Winning or losing, doesn't matter as we can't stop. Keep reading and posting as much as you can, get some blocks in place to stop you in case the urges are getting too strong. I wish you all the best in learning how to live with this demon and keep it in a leash.
Hi duncs, hi lost, wow I wasn't really sure others read this stuff, I read loads, good to know others do too xx yeah, before starting gamcare I contacted every place I could think of (my problem has so far been online) and self excluded or closed every account I have, I was doing ironing and every now and again I remembered one so stopped and contacted them, I also shredded my bank card as for me it was so easy to remember 3 little numbers on the back. This has been by far my worst time with gambling. I ended up in a position where I was about to go out the otherside of my overdraft (9.31 left) had gone over my credit card limit my boss was ill and hadn't paid me and I had bills due. I first told my husband that I was in debt, story for another day.....the following morning I told him it was because of gambling. It then really dawned on me how utterly deceitful I'd been and I think the shame of that is one of the hardest things I've had to face. At the moment that shame is stopping me messing up again although as I write I truly believe I won't go back but I am mindful that a slip is so easy....I'm positive though and that feels good enough for today....good luck with your own journeys and I will look up your diaries in time xxxxx
Still not playing, but think this weeks been quite testing. Hurt my arm so unable to work or drive. Stuck at home alone all week and today got some unexpected money in my bank. For the first time since I faced things the shadow of a thought when through my mind about playing, I haven't and I won't I'm really determined but I felt disappointed in myself for it even crossing my mind however briefly. I suppose I should feel please that I didn't act on it but still....the chicken for dinner will defrost soon so I'll concentrate on getting our tea ready instead I think. Good luck all xx
Another "big deal" today. It would have been my little brothers 37 birthday today but he died in an accident at 21 4 weeks after I had my son. My husband has just gone out and I've had a beer at the pub and have some beer here and I'm on my own - always my favourite time to play - but I haven't! I feel triumphant right this moment I am so flipping pleased with myself. I just need to continue my hard work.
Also, I paid 33 towards my debt today and still have 100 in my bank (available from overdraft). I've made a deal with my husband, for every 500 my credit card debt is reduced by I am putting 20 in a separate account to save towards a pair of my favourite horse riding boots it may take me a long time but it's given me a goal to work to, or two goals really I guess. Actually feeling excited to see Jason, my breakeven counsellor, on Monday to tell him that as of right this second I've had another 4 days bet free since my last meeting. I hope anyone reading this doesn't think I'm being "gobby" or over confident cos I'm really not, I'm celebrating MY little triumph in this ongoing battle 🙂
I am feeling pretty low right now. I've not gambled but wanted to get things off my chest instead of trying to. I'm really starting t look at my husband in a different way, and I feel awful for saying that. He's thrown my problem, after trying to help me, twice now in the 3-4 weeks since I've admitted my problem. He says spiteful things that I don't understand. Tonight he's just completely ignoring me cos I said hi to someone he doesn't like but who I think, although a touch cringy, is ok. I know my problem us mine and is totally down to me and I don't make excuses I'm working through it, but is my marriage/relationship not quite right? I've always laughed about my husband, who I really do think the world of, being a bit controlling - where are you, what are you doing, you're in too much, you're out too much, you talk too much, you're not saying anything etc....I take it on the chin cos I know I'm not perfect but and it's just a thought was/is my issue my way of being 'uncontrolled'? I feel awful for typing it but need to say it. He's gone to bed now, without a word after ignoring me for 2.5 hours, he wouldn't even let the dogs in (apart from 'his' dog) from the garden and when I let them in and he found out he made them go back out, then told me I can't smoke in the living room anymore as he lit a cigarette. Am I just trying to place blame on someone else? I do feel that I'm solely responsible for what I've done but feel by venting I might be trying to find why and blame an innocent person.........??
Blimey, didn't realise how long I'd left it! Still not gambling (hurrah) but the repercussions of it are starting to hit. I felt good I'd stopped still do feel good about that. But today got credit card letter charging me £12 for going over my limit. Bought it all back to the surface. I didn't hide, I contacted them (yet again) and bluntly told them I have an addiction I'm in counselling and I'm trying to sort it out. I cried, I can't help it - it's the shame of what I've done and also the mess it's left me in. They actually listened this time. They had 2 options - default on my card, that really upset me as I've never missed a payment or underpaid. Or thankfully they've given me 3 months with no interest charges. I was so grateful. I know I've messed up but I'm trying to dig my way out of it, and I'm paying over the minimum payment and they put so much interest on it keeps pushing me over again. If I'm going to default I'd rather do a dmp on everything in one go and be done with it, but to me I'd at least like to try to make a difference first. So day one of this issue - let's see how it goes. Oh and I told my husband, he started off supportive but is really mad again but I'd rather him be cross with me than me go back to being deceitful. He doesn't understand, he says I lied which I answer as I gave little hints but didn't/couldn't tell the whole truth. So I suppose I did lie. I didn't mean to but I did. But I need to look forward, not back, the past is done and I can't change it but I can make a better now and a better future and that's where I'm headed for I believe. Goodnight diary xxx
Still gamble free to date x hubs asleep on sofa had a beer but not tried to bet. Such a huge change for me. Flicked through my catalogue and thought I buy something but realised I can't afford to but it doesn't matter as my thought process gas changed so much. Got given as a gift £20 worth of hay for my pony today and I told my hubs to keep the money I'd given him for it towards the next lot of hay rather than I take it back and waste it, again what a difference. I'm under no illusion, I'm an addict but I'm working to beat it, today I'm winning the battle and I want to continue xx
Just put it on my Facebook. Huge step, maybe there'll be bother from it but I'm proud of admitting it.
Ali
Great to see you are growing in your resolve to remain gamble free
Well done, keep making the right choice.
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Well been a while but as of yesterday I have completed my first full calendar month bet free!!! In terms of days/months it's nearly 2 months but I'm going calendar cos it suits me xx what a difference it's made to my life in such a short time. I bought my son some clothes and trainers, he's never gone without, but I confidently walked in the shop knowing I could pay for them 🙂
It's my birthday tomorrow and I'm aiming for the whole of my 39-40 year (and on) being totally bet free.
As I write I want to cry, through pride of what I've achieved but also shame for what I've done. I'm beginning to speak a little easier about it now and I've had some amazing support from people I know from all walks of life. As much as lots of people don't understand and don't want to understand I've been overwhelmed when once I've opened up the things that others have told me, a good friend is hooked on phone call clairvoyants different media same issue.....
I'm so so lucky, my family and friends are brill, ATM I'm holding on to my 5 dogs and my horse, I couldn't do that if I'd not told the truth. Thank you all who make my life so complete, although you'll never read this I couldn't have kept at it without you especially my wonderful husband jim and my gorgeous son Jamie, I love you both so much xxx
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