My diary, my new life, my fightback

Great - glad you took my comments the way they were intended... Just food for thought... Ultimately what happens is up to you ?

Easy in theory... So true! Breaking a habit of a lifetime? Ducking and diving and never really exhibiting vulnerabilities to those close to you? Who do they really think you are or rather, who have you constructed over time and offered them as as a version of yourself over time?

I remember when I came clean to my wife about everything... A few days later she told me she can't believe what is happening as she always thought I was 'indestructable' - I couldn't believe my ears at the time but you know what - what a ridiculous construct I created of myself over the years and offered her... When she was completely spun out about my behaviour I had noone else to blame but myself I now realise - I now realise I lived in that gamblers 'fantasy world' where I was a construct of my own imagination and this was the version of myself I was peddling out to everyone around me.

Now I am proud to say if I have a problem, I seek help. I seek support. I am not ashamed of making mistakes and I understand that those around me won't think ill of me, no doubt they'll just want to help me and if anything they'll be more P****d off that I didn't come to them in the first place.

You don't have to run alone when it comes to stuff like this! She is about to marry you so at least give her the chance to see the real, vulnerable you before you enter into that commitment. If she struggles to get her head around what you've done then you've been probably doing what I did for some time.

I have found on this platform that the general trend when it comes to crossroads like this is the person in question either disappears because they don't like what they are hearing or they come back proud and full of beans after finally listening to their true self and bucking the trend of how they have behaved for so long.

I hope we hear from you again anyway. 

I've read most of what you've written since youve been on here. To be honest I don't think you're all that different to the rest of us ? the way you think, what you write, the insights you give into how your mind is ticking over during this difficult time.

But now here is your chance to do something differently and set yourself apart from many people I've encountered on here who I've never heard from again (or heard from months later and they are still in a mess)

I hope we hear from you again.

Take care ✊

The trouble is Bud that your not dealing with theory's anymore as you have the fact's laid out before you .................  I know you'd rather keep all of this away from your fiance for many reason's and I totally 100% get that because in your shoes that I once wore I would have done exactly the same . 

I tried for so long to find a way out of my mess without bringing any more pain or suffering to those I love and truly believed that by not having " My conversation " I was protecting them but then in my warped mind I'd always gambled to protect them .........to provide more for them and to give them those  luxuries that without gambling I couldn't have provided ..................Of course my losses were of no importance and not even worth mentioning to them and again there was I like a knight in shining armor sparing them pain ?........... The truth in reality is that I was protecting myself ............self preservation .......... and if nobody knew the real me or what I'd done then I'd no need to change anything . 

You have to ask yourself a couple of questions " Are you truly protecting her or yourself " and  " Do you really want to enter into marriage with your partner for life with this hanging over your head " ? , I'm not judging you mate as I've been there but I know that not for one moment after my confession did I regret it , fortunately those around me stuck by me .........I knew what the outcome could have been but still went ahead , Why ? ........Because in order to rebuild a better life I had to start from the bottom up and laying that first foundation of honesty was the only way I would change .....and be different from my gambling self . 

I remember having this kind of conversation with the bloke above when he came here and I know he won't mind me saying that he too was looking for a way out without going the whole hog , frantically  trying to find a way of raising funds to dig himself out of the hole he'd created , Signalman as you already know speaks from the heart , he also talks a lot of sense  my friend ...... Knowledge gained along the way .  

Ultimately it doesn't matter what advice or suggestions anyone gives as it's always going to have to be your choice what or even if you tell your fiance about your problems , I know how this feels and if you have that talk  just how the conversation goes . 

I wish you well my fellow CG , whatever decision you make . 

Thanks to both of you.i know you are both right.ive his this for my entire adult life from most people , I did fess up to my former wife and she stood by me.

Everything you both say is 100% right.You couldn't have written about how I'm feeling any better , yes it will ultimately be my choice to tell her.

One thing and more importantly to me is right now I haven't and won't turn to the beast that brought me here.If anything it's making me hate it more.

Today I remain gambling free, you both and others have helped.Wise words of support and truths.

Day 65 begins.

These are our dairies, ups and downs but the goal is to remain gambling free.A journey that never ends.

Posted by: holycrosser

One thing and more importantly to me is right now I haven't and won't turn to the beast that brought me here.

And if that's all you do at the end of this difficult period in your life then you should be proud of yourself and give yourself loads of credit :o)

Because that my friend, is a major step forward in your life and paves the way for the rest of them to be made - whatever path you choose to take.

I hope you come through this and wish you all the best during this difficult time 

Posted by: A 9

I remember having this kind of conversation with the bloke above when he came here and I know he won't mind me saying that he too was looking for a way out without going the whole hog , frantically  trying to find a way of raising funds to dig himself out of the hole he'd created , Signalman as you already know speaks from the heart , he also talks a lot of sense  my friend ...... Knowledge gained along the way   

Yes absolutely Holycrosser - I was you once and he was me LOL

But you know what - we are all in this together ;o)

I never dreamt of being able to lay everything down on the table to my wife but I literally just ran out of steam and took their advice. In many ways I was just tired of running.

When you are ready to rebuild honesty is the first and most important block you lay down - and I think that means withholding information that you know in your heart the person deserves to know as well as telling the truth.

When you're ready mate ;o)

If I'm honest I think my gambling and general behaviours became so out of control I pretty much lost all sense of myself, I started to fear what I was going to do next, I was frightened of myself and lived in fear of myself... :o( I was so scared of the harm I'd bring to those around me as a result of my out of control behaviours. They didn't deserve to sink on my ship.

I was ready at that point to change.

Only you'll know where youre at right now and if/when you're ready :o)

Whatever happens, you're in a good place ie here during this tough period... You'll get good support here from people who 'get it' ?

Stay strong ?✌️

What's he on ???..........  " I was you once and he was me " ? .................... Thank God admin have moderated his post which originally read ......... " Sitting in a tree K.I.S.S.I.N.G " :(( . 

Again he speaks the truth as we've all been there .

Hope your well Bud :))  

Hi Holycrosser,

Telling my Mrs id failed to stop ( yet again ) was awful but i had 2 choices.

1, Spoon feed her the truth and be constantly stressed knowing she would soon find out anyway in time

2, Once and for all spare us both the pain of lies and deceit and put maximum effort into day 1 of convincing her i want to change & break the chain of secrecy & lies.

These are choices i could only make for myself & not for someone else.

Sincerely Wish You Both Well

AL

Thanks for the support folk.

Day 66 gambling free begins and a nice £150 deal tied up will pay off some debt

Day 66 done, no gambling.

£150 got and in bank, had a nice chat with a friend today which really helped.

Morning all.

Day 67 of my journey, much calmer now, slept better.no gambling today lots to do.

Stay gambling free 

Good to hear you're feeling a little better now.

Have you managed to negotiate the tax bill in your favour?

Posted by: signalman

Good to hear you're feeling a little better now.

Have you managed to negotiate the tax bill in your favour?

Not yet pal.ive still got it to land yet, I won't get it for 3 weeks then I negotiate. 

Still no urges at all to gamble, stress isn't a massive trigger for me.boredom is.

Day 69 

I'm away for the weekend. Lots of drinking , I not with any gamblers so temptation won't be there, have a great weekend and DO NOT GAMBLE A PENNY