My Diary - Restarted Fri 10 Sep 2010

Always amazes me when I head back here to read replys even after being absent and giving zero imput or support to others.

Thanks all for your support of which I have given nothing in return as of late. Im still hanging in here. House is sorted and unreal the morgatge comp want to offer me a deal to save our own house. My mind is all over the place on this. I know its the sensible thing to try and do but the stress etc I just feel dead beat with it all.

We were due to go in front of the judge for re-posession but at the last minute are offering us all kind of repayment plans. Will have to decide soon on that.

Finaces are dire - very dire - but thats the result of this addiction. If anyone new to this forum is reading this take heed.

I once ran a company that made in excess of 1.2 million a year. I was an arrogant cocky SOAB. Nothing could touch me. Nice suits , travel, money in the bank. When I hit the tables it didnt hurt as there was always another day. Another night. Then over time it began to build up. The lossses got bigger - the chase began. In the end I lost total control and yep lost everything. Business home , self esteem, and no doubt some ill health caused by my addiction.

I dont want to preech but if you can stop do it and DO IT NOW! Before its to late.

Funny side note : next month around 3rd of March we get some money in, my wife is taking it all cash, she will give me money to live off in 5s and 10s (if im lucky) but the bank will remain empty. And in being empty means I can not deposit or squander what is needed for food light rent - living. Somtimes there really is a kind of freedom in absolute poverty and having to start again from scratch. Onwards and again thank you to all who have taken the time to reply. Blocked.

So very honest and I have nothing but respect for that, I really believe you have every thing in you to make it. I hope you keep writing and keep being positive, I'm no better or worse I think we are just the same. Take care.

hi Blocked,

nice to read a post from you 🙂

I really wouldn't worry about not posting support to others - you have enough on your plate right now, and I am sure like me, everyone is just pleased to read you are keeping your head above water.

You are in a really difficult phase, where you are bound to feel overwhelmed. You are surrounded by problems that are a result of your gambling. Who wouldn't be?

If your wife feels confident in making the decisions for now, let her. You can take back the reins, or half of them when you can think straight again.

Unless they want to charge you ridiculous interest, it sounds good this payment plan. Simply because, if you can't keep up with it you are left with the other option anyway. Might as well have a stab at hanging on to the house.

I promise you, that if you hang in there things will eventually ease. When we've caused a bit of devastation to our finances, we have to accept that they will take time to recover. Perhaps at the moment, being realistic is the key. Just try to manage things so they don't get any worse then worry about things when you are more yourself.

You take care, and keep posting.

f x

Great to hear from you Blocked and good to see you sounding more positive.

Don't worry about not posting on other diaries mate. I've had enough support from you in the past to know that you will always be willing the likes of myself and others on in our respective fights.

You are a good man Blocked and you need to give your own recovery your full 100%.

Wishing you well mate.

Your a good man Blocked. You have devasted your finances somwhat Blocked. Good to hear from you Blocked. You have given me support in the past Blocked. No need to worry over not supporting others Blocked.

We all here for you Blocked.

The list is endless and the list of replys contains only good. I do not dispute that. I would not even try to negotiate my way out of this mess these days. My wife knows about my gambling. Im tired beyond anything in trying to make sense of it all. I have thought about many things , Gordon House, Living on a mountain top as a monk, finding god, simply disapearing from all. Nothing gives the answer I need or crave. Im so wound up with my addiction , and I know so much about my addiction that I could give lectures on it.

Yet I can control it not. These days financial damage is of a much lesser extent due only to the fact that we have eff all anyway as what we did have has been squandered long ago. Have not gambled much the past few weeks because aint much to gamble with.

Before xmass had a run - bought all the pressies for the kids. It was a good time. I was on a high. At least I have that. No replys needed to this post as Its just for myself. Im in a very very selfish place at the moment. I do though wish only the best for all here fighting and working to come to terms with this addiction. Over and out - Blocked.

I and the wife had a sit down yesterday. Told her more "thruths" she now for the 1st time in all time we have been together knows the full extent of my gambling. She changed the logins to the online banking, which I would plunder on a very regular basis. She was naturally quite angry to say the least.

I now have prohibition on having any kind of access to money.

Hi Blocked.

It's good to see that you are being honest with your wife about your gambling. I think the worst thing about gambling compulsively is the damage it causes to our relationships with our loved ones. There is no way a proper relationship can build when one party is constantly lying to the other.

All the best Blocked.

Woke up this morning and in my labtop was a note from my wife. She had written alot of things down. A page full of anger and resentment. I can see where she is coming from but its not easy. I have some very pressing personal commitments like the birthday of my son coming up that I can not cover. And he lives abroad. All my own fault. The guilt is overwhelming and I need this month to pass quickly. The wife made sure she reminded me in her note to me just what I have screwed up.

She also told me the extent of my gambling this month from checking her bank was around £3000 - it wasent actually but figures dont matter and im not going to argue about how much it was or was not. Its done. I told her yesterday I can not change the past and all I can do from now is "try"

Its been 4 days today since I last gambled. Horrible truth though is yesterday I wanted to gamble and only reason I didnt is I did not have any access at all to any funds. Im hoping that with time the urges again will become more managable. A calm but pretty dull weekend overall and now I hit monday with the note from my wife. Lets see...

Hi Blocked,

you explained yourself in your last post what the key is at this point in your recovery - you only didn't gamble yesterday because you couldn't get your hands on any money. So don't have access to any money. Simple as that, if you are committed to recovery.

I know it is hard, but so are most things in life that are worthwhile.

Take care,

f x

Hi Freda yes I do I suppose know what is one key to my recovery in having zero access to money. Today is just a bad day as with the weekend over the mess of what I have done is painfully clear. Inside im screaming at myself WHAT HAVE I DONE WHAT HAVE I DONE ... Over and over and over again. I have just had to ask my wife to pay a bill that really needs to be paid today - this morning. She will do this but it will take around 90% of the money we have left to live on this month.

This acts as a brutal reminder of the full consequences of my actions. It does not make for a happy home at the moment and I know they will be many more moments like this in the coming days and even weeks. My diary here stretches back many many months. Attempt after attempt to overcome my addiction - failure and after failure. The only 1 thing I can say is at this point at least my wife knows the full extent now of what a life of lies and decite I have been living.

She told me yesterday its not so much the money - its the lies. She trusted me she always belived me. That trust has gone and that is what is hurting her the most at this time. The fallout from my actions this time round will be massive! Feel like screaming .................................................

Happy christmas blocked

Hi Blocked,

I am glad jeff bumped your diary up - it would be wonderful to hear that you are safe?

I hadn't realised it had been so long since you last used your diary, and I for one feel very sorry that I have not been checking how you are, and offering support and encouragement.

I hope you are keeping safe this Christmas.

Take care,

f x

Well no one will remember me here, but as I read through some of my diary (and it was hard to read in parts yuk) allot of memorys came back from years ago. I hope all those people who supported me are well. Seeing the old names brought lots back.

I suppose I just wanted to update this for myself .... as my diary here just suddenly stopped. Well here is the final outcome of where my addiction led me.

Home repossed. 2012 (volantary repo on the end could not fight it any more)

Buisness lost (sold for pitance) 2012

Marriage ended. We split and never said another nice word to each other. Cant say it was all the gambling though .... they were other issues that were happening over a long period of time. But the gambling certainly aided the split.

Lost another home I leased abroad which was a place me and my son (who lives abroad) used to spend time together.

Cars sold at a loss to vendor.

Credit rating smashed.

Finished up around 2012 living in a 1 bedroom flat, end figure was about 130k in debt with no way of paying it back.

And was totally isolated and ruined. 98% of the above was in one way or another related to my gambling.

Fast forward to 2016 .... where am I now.

Still on skid row in many respects, but have restarted. I live rent free right now with my dad. Mum passed away sadly the other year. I have a mobile business which makes okay money. I travel allot these days, just because its better being alone abroad than being alone in the UK. I have had numerous relapses over the past 4 or 5 years but nothing close to what I did loose.

I live a solitary life in many ways. Took me a long time to come to terms with what I had lost , but think im about over that now.

So why am I back here ? Because I am not going to fall back into old ways. Cant fall back into old ways, even though they truly is nothing really to loose but my life and my sanity.

If anyone from the past happens to read this, I hope your well and I remember your names (most of them) and the support you gave me. For those who dont recall this miserable diary .... im rooting for you , whom ever you and what ever you are facing. There is a way through this addiction.... and im probably in some ways living proof of that.

Thanks for reading - Blocked.

Just read through large parts of your diary, really highlights what gambling can lead to.

Good to hear that you're over the gambling addiction more or less.

All the best.

Hi BlockedOut

As I've worked on the forum team here for a while I do remember you - thanks for coming back to update us and it's good to hear you are in a better place than you were, although it sounds like you've been through a lot as well.

Welcome back here and hope you can use the forum again to support your ongoing recovery.

All the best,

Rebecca