I am 23 days without a bet and to be honest it hasn't been a struggle. However I have been on holiday for 16 of them so it was easier but once you take the possibility of betting away by blocking avenues the power definitely weakens. Instead I seem to be getting my thrill out of getting back on track. It isn't the first time I have had this kind of dramatic change towards betting and I have still gone back to it so I will not be taking it for granted and thinking I've cracked it again but it is nice to get some sort of self respect and sense of purpose back in my life. I have blocked all betting sites now and will be getting a basic phone without internet (a decision which I am currently struggling to surrender to).
Any tips from people in a similar position would be good as I don't want to go down the same path as before. I have a question for the more experienced among you who have lived as a compulsive gambler for longer than myself:
Does it really have to be that I cannot be in control of my own finances for the rest of my life; I mean is that even possible? I feel that with that I lose some kind of self worth and identity? At present I do feel it is a necessity to insure I do not have access to my funds freely but my girlfriend said to me tonight that you will have to surrender that power for life! This made me feel a little less motivated to think that she thought I would never be strong enough mentally to have any control over this illness. Is this right, does it never improve? I have always felt that when I have a family and children it will be different, as naive as that may sound. What I do understand and acknowledge is that when I do get married it would be wise for me not to have access to a joint account or my spouses account but that i would still be able to see and access mine without supervision. I see the way forward as giving my loved ones access to my account so that they can check at any time the ins and outs but for me a life of asking for money whenever I need it is just too demeaning. Are you children or are we just adults with a severe problem/illness that needs monitoring and isolating. After all we must make our own decision, right?
sorry I think I went off on one there but I needed to release. Thank you for reading.
Hello & congratulations on 23 days 🙂
In answer to your question(s), I took my bankcard (one of them) back after about 3 months & mid celebrating how chuffed I was, I was floored by a wave of urges! By then, my recovery meant more than gambling so I was able to choose 'no' & I was extremely relieved I hadn't been given it until I was ready! My situation is a little different, I had access to 'money' throughout my journey as I kept our joint credit card which we pay off daily (great rewards on it). It can be viewed on a PIN coded APP so this works for us as there would have been no hiding if I had slipped & a slip would have been limited had it happened! I manage all the financial stuff in our house so it is a bit of a burden for the OH having to keep an eye on all my bank accounts but he did it & does it now as you suggest, on a spot check basis! I'm not sure this far down the line I need him to but it means a lot that he does because 1) it means he understands that I will never be 'cured' & 2) it is a very small price to pay for the reward of his trust! At this stage of your journey, try not to worry too much about what will happen in the future! I don't think your expectations are at all unrealistic but I can see why your girlfriend is feeling the way she is & you should not let this deter you from recovery! We needed excuses to 'gamble', don't let this be one!
Keep working hard @ making a new life for yourself - ODAAT
Thanks for this ODAAT some really useful and interesting points to consider later down the line. At present nothing will deter me from my fight as I feel I have the strength to choose 'no' but more importantly have blocked certain avenues that I love to use to bet! In my experience the enthusiasm not to bet will always waver at some stage and I have been weak at some point in that temptation. You can say no a hundred times but it only takes one 'yes' and you are right back in the whole. What I never understand about myself is that when I give in and have a bet I can never tell someone and from there stop the typical spiral of events that comes next until I am flat broke. I just feel that I can get myself out of it. Each time I have stopped, and there have been a few, I have always learnt something for the next time and taken that forward but then have found new ways....the way I see it I am running out of ways but I always find one. This time it has to be different, no matter how much people say 'I've heard that before', as long as I believe it will be and do the right things to prevent it that is good enough for me. A few weeks ago I was alone and felt totally de-motivated, now i feel I can do this whatever my personal situations. It becomes less about repairing relations with people you have hurt and more about a personal life choice. However, I do feel it helps when you have relationships that need repairing....the added incentive is always helpful at first to set me on my way. That may sound a little selfish and don't get me wrong I wish they didn't have to feel my burden in any way but my will to have them in my life and willingness to find a way to make it work is stronger. I always here that saying 'do you love someone enough to let them go' but this is just a way of giving up on something you believe in and not believing in your own capability to make someone happy.
I know this was a little off topic at time but it is nice to be able to release these feelings to an audience that may understand.
thank you for reading.
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