My first diary.

Hi Otterlady,

Delighted to see you are clocking up the days!

Hopefully the strongest urges have now passed and you are having an easier time. Keep looking after yourself, you are worth much more than the false promises of those awful slots! Suzy

Hi guys, thanks so much for all your support, advice and thoughts. Sad news. I have relapsed. I got an email from a site saying they had put £75 in my account so I played like an idiot! I won over £350 but of course I played it all back. I was annoyed with myself but tried hard to just let it go. I didn't win anything nor did I lose anything ( financially ) anyway. However, what it did do was put gambling right into the forefront of my psyche. Of course this was the intention.

I take full responsibility for my actions and I know that by not recognising the signs I fell fowl to opening that door again. The next night I played my own money and of course lost. I closed any and all accounts I have directly after and thankfully didn't lose a large amount of money but I obviously lost something far more important!, I lost 33 days of my integrity which to me is priceless!.

I feel angry, sad, foolish and full of regret. Half life, you have been proven to be correct. If I had put on the blocking software this would not have happened. If I hadn't acted on that email then this wouldn't have happened. I am angry with the site that sent it as I had already closed an account with its sister site and told them the true reason why, because I was dealing with gambling addiction!. However, all that aside, I made the decision and I made the mistake.

So, what happens now?. Well, for me, I am installing K9 , continuing my counselling with Beacon ( who have been truly amazing , patient and understanding). I can say with a fair amount of confidence that had I not played with that free money, I know I would not have given into gambling again, I know that in my heart!. I would not have let myself and everyone who have been so supportive down, I just know that.

I can kick myself, beat myself up about this or let it go, learn from it and start again. So, let it go and move on. Blocking software installed, counselling and the sheer will NOT to tolerate another slip.

For the record, this post has been extremely difficult to write. I never want to have to reset my profile in this way ever again!. After getting through the month with only the odd urge it hurts so much to have to reset the amount of days but that action did in its own way drive a strong message home.

Well, that's that. I hope that everyone is keeping strong. Thanks again to everyone who has taken their time out to post in my diary. Congratulations to everyone who have abstained and maintained.

Stay strong, stay safe.

Godspeed, otterlady.