Ty charley i think i will jot down some small goals to try an achieve . I lost my dad on 6th december and really struggling at the minute. The temptation is all around me but so far im not giving in i wish id have come here when i first stopped and logged my days . Ive not gambled since the 20th april so ive not long ago celebrated 6 months which have been a difficult 6 months but i continue to take baby steps . Just hope it gets easier i still get email after email offering large deposit bonuses or free spins and am constantly clicking the link to unsubscribe even sites ive never used before. Is there any gamble blockers you can get for an samsung s6 phone as a back up ???
I have self excluded from all the sites ive used even signed up to foreign sites not in english !!! Im still watching the videos on utube of people on slots dunno if i should or not theres one profile on it im subscribed to that he puts videos on win or lose . While ive been really tempted this last 2 weeks hes posted about 8 videos and the last few hes lost 500 plus each video so that makes me think of the sinking feeling i got when i hit rock bottom so hopefully that will keep me gamble free for another 6 months.
There was one site i thought id self excluded myself from that i had an email off at xmas offering a advent calendar bonuses everyday in december i logged in went to live chat an immediatley closed the account later that evening i recieved an email saying i was removed from 8 linked sister sites made me think how many names are the same casino / bingo sites using unknown to the public as i hadnt realised i was signed up to the same company through 8 different names of casinos but all one. How much are these places getting from us desperate people. Anyway thanks for all your comments i really appreciate them x
Hello and welcome. Thank you for posting on my diary and your kind words. So so sorry to learn about your dad, I can only imagine what that must feel like and how vulnerable to the addiction that has made you, but stay strong and positive and keep writing and reading on here. This site is fantastic and has some lovely people on it who give such valuable advice and support, I've laughed and cried at some of the comments and stories. Remember your not fighting this alone, we are all helping each other. Well done and stay strong, best wishes x
Well last night was the hardest night of my life. I was just about to lock up and go bed around 12 when i heard a knock on the door. I opened it and seen my ex husband stood there with a bottle of wine. He asked if he could come in to talk so in he came. I poured us both a glass a wine and followed him in to the living room. We sat down i was shaking all kinds of ideas racing through my mind id dreamed of this moment since he left me. The next thing he said theres something ive got to do he lent in a kissed me . Before i knew it he was undressing me . Within seconds i said stop please say what you came to say he didnt reply but carried on before i knew it it was over i had all kinds of emotions running through my head ......he did still love me ...... he forgives me .... since losing my dad 2 weeks ago i had prayed to him everyday for help bringing us back together and it had worked he was here ....my head was in a spin. Suddenly he went quiet . I got dressed an went to sit near him on the sofa . Im glad you come i said to which he replied i shouldnt have......o*g what is he saying ...... did i do or say something wrong...... then he said you broke us your responsible for this you chose slots over a family !!! I burst into tears he was right it was all my own fault . The next thing he walked out without even a goodbye. With floods of tears i locked up and went to get in bed. I watched the clock all night my mind wouldnt switch off . I feel so used did he think that little of me to come and use me then toss me away . I text him a few times saying please can we talk and he text bk saying he had nothing to say to me . He simply said he just wanted closure. At around 5 am i went online and thought i quit gambling for nothing it makes no odds anymore that i stopped ive still lost everything. ((Stupid i know but my heads in bits )). I tried to open an account and thought ill feel better if i have a few spins my new account failed someone with the same details was self excluded so no further accounts can be open and then it hit me ....what the heck am i doing ? The past 6 months have taught me to see things totally different there is light at the end of the tunnel all be it miles and miles away at the minute but i can see a glimmer of light and thats hope. Yes gambling j lost my partner but i still have my kids if i go back ill lose them too. At 6 am i fell asleep and woke up at 8..30 with my youngest hes 10. I cant believe i let happen what did and feel so stupid but more so i cant believe i nearly went back to the slots. I almost undid 6 months of hard work. So today im writing to say that thankfully i wasnt able to bet last night and i learnt a lesson about myself. I still have butterflies when i think of my ex partner but slowly and begining to realise that door needs shutting an i need to get some self worth back . I have my eldest whos 19 up now with a chest infection so im going to go look after him ill check in later and catch up on some diaries and hopefully it will spur me on not to go back down the black hole of gambleing . Does anyone know if theres a blocker for a s6 phone at all ????
Oh my goodness, that is awful.
I'm so sorry for that! I've just been reading your diary this morning.
Yes, you have everything to fight for in your battle against this addiction. Most of all, your self worth!
You deserve to give yourself a better shot at life and without gambling, there is that chance.
Today is a brand new day.
It's time to make things happen for yourself and make history.
See today as the day that things turn around for you.
You've already clocked up over 6 months, so the platform is there to give yourself a greater life.
Keep fighting and posting on here. This site does help so much.
Keep updating your diary and watching the gambling free days mount up.
Moorey x
Ty so much moorey it feels good to know that ive got some sipport on here. Im so annoyed with myself for nearly going back to the slots , im just so glad i did self exclude all those months ago it saved me last night. Today has been a reflective sort of morning i give my husband 19 years of marriage and about 10 of those was lovely happy years then the demon raised its head and the last 9 years i put him though it. I hold my hands up and take all the blame i pushed and pushed him away till he no longer had the strength to fight for us. Still having said that i cant believe he would come to mine soley to use me after 19 years of marriage . He knows i love him dearly and would do anything for him and hes just clearly thought hed get his kicks outta me then drop me when hed got what he wanted . Dont get me wrong i happily went along with it but i thought it was the first step of us being a couple again. Anyway live and learn as they say an thanks for listening there was nobody i could talk to this about an i needed to get it off my chest. Last night has left me tired and hurting but i can hold my head up and say i will not gamble today which is always something to be proud of x
And proud you should be. There is no shame in letting someone in when you are feeling vulnerable. And their actions reflect their state of mind not who you are of what you have done. As you say, you hold your hands up to your actions and so we should ALL be accountable for our own actions regardless of reason. The reason is not important, how we deal with it is what matters and you didn't gamble. Achievement!
Thanks redrow . It means a lot . I've been feeling like garbage today am so tired an aching think I'm getting the flu so tonight I'm going to have a nice soak an get in bed early an read some diaries on here. Tonight my door will e locked an no surprise guests are invited tonight I will not gamble . I just am so made up I wasn't able to make a new online casino account last night . I'm still looking for a blocker for my phone as extra back up but until then I'm going to take the hour by hour day by day as I have been I'm feeling determined to get to April 20th to celebrate 1 year gamble free although it still feels like miles away x
1 day at a time, it will come. You've already overcome so many challenges to your new way of life, just remember that strength when feeling low. I put k9 on my phone. You download the app, go to settings - restrictions, turn off safari and get someone to put a pass code on your restrictions. Then you can't use normal browser. U have to use k9 for web. It blocks all gambling and quite a lot of other sites which can be annoying but it's worth it for that extra block. Little treats like baths and anything that is a focus on looking after yourself is a nice reward so take of you xx
Ill try that k9 thank you any thing that will put an extra bit of extra security between me and the slots is a god send. I had a nice soak in the bath and was thinking about the direction of my life which to now id been avoiding. During the 19 years i was with my ex partner i had become content with him an after 4 kids am now carrying an extra 2 stone so ive just been researching slimming world classes an thinking of joining . A bit of me is saying focus on one thing at a time but the other piece of me is saying your 38 an need to take bk your life . Ive been exsisting for years but not living for the now.
I lost my job when i was gambling and after i had a break down i was hospitalised twice for 2 months each. It killed me being away from my kids 18 16 13 and 10 and i feel i owe it to them to sort myself out an get back to being the mum i was instead of the mum who was getting spoken to by them but was only half concentrating as i was playing slots . I have been such a bad wife and mother im amazed they still love me at all but you know what they do , they love me so much I cant ever go back for their sakes alone an they will get me though step by step. As for the ex I simply have to accept he has moved on I now know theres no going back and I just hope he meets a lovely lady who he deserves an has a stress free life. The payments i owe are hitting me hard at the minute so i dont have money left for any days out with the kids but im glad theyre coming down and by sept oct I should be debt free so that will be an amazing feeling . Id love to also try an get bk to work this year even if its voluntary at first to ease me bk into it as I feel it will give me a good distraction as well as showing my kids that in order to have nice things you need to work hard to get them . Theres like a million things I want to do and hopefully I can start ticking off a few this year but slowly as not to interfere with my progress of being gamble free as thats most important x
currently im not strong enough to go into town alone incase I re lapse which is daft as im self excluded anyway but I always think what if you went in an they didnt realise its u so the fear of that keeps me away when im alone.
Funny how your mind works isnt it ? . I thought id be well away tonight after no sleep last night but im not tired so thought id write afew lines on here an finish catching up on charleys story its heart breaking isnt it xx
anyway I shall finish writing you'll be fed up listening to me waffle on thanks for your support xx
Hi, my heart goes out to you and sending you a cyber hug, what your ex did was cruel and you didn't deserve it. I'm so glad you found the strength not to gamble and hope you continue to stay safe. We cannot change the past but we can the future, and you have to start to love yourself and look forward. Take care x
That is beyond cruel & regardless of how much he is hurting, I cannot see how what he did can ever be condoned so I absolutely applaud you for taking this in your stride!
Sorry to hear about your Dad too, sounds like you are having a horrible time of things lately but you are absolutely right, it is your life to 'take back' & that is exactly what you are doing!
I'm kind of wondering how though? What follow up support, other than a visit from a nurse are you receiving? I see you've asked the question about your phone and I wondered if you've spoken to the helpline @ all? They should be able to advise you on blockers as well as offer you immediate support & counselling. It's great that you have been gamble free for so long but it is time to deal with the demons in your mind so that your 1st instinct when you are in pain isn't to turn back to gambling. You've made mistakes along the way, haven't we all, don't think you have to fix them yourself! Take all the help you can get, it's out there!
Your plans sound great 🙂 Keep pushing to achieve them - ODAAT
Ty anon and odatt for you kind words . I have a nurse that comes out about every 10 days to check on my mental health after my breakdown. I talk to her about everything and shes helped me so much. As of outside help she did put me in touch with GA meeting but the nearest one to me was liverpool and i had no means of transport to get there looking back i think i could have tried harder to make a meeting and probably used the ive got no transport as a bit of an excuse. I only came across this site on about the 4th january this year after my sister in laws boyfriend had also secretly been gambling they had a joint account that hed been hiding statements from and using the rent and bill money to gamble. She nearly lost her house an as we get on so well she confided in me. As a result I spoke to her partner and he said he had been on gamcare website in a private chat. He said they was so helpful so i thought id take a look and here myself. Before coming here I had no real idea of the support that was in place. When I hit rock bottom and spent all the money back in april and I had to come clean to my partner and my eldest boys I was so disgusted in myself how had I stooped so low.
Within a week my partner told me he was moving out he'd had enough i'd gone to far this time. That was such a wake up call after 19 years of marriage through good and bad times he was my rock and now he was leaving me how would I cope ?
It took around 4 weeks for him to actually find his new home and I admit them 4 weeks I kept thinking to myself he wont leave me and the kids but he did. 17th may he moved out and i was left having to fend for myself I was now petrified incase I betted again .For the first time in my life I had to apply for benefit which took about 7 weeks to come through so it was easy to stay gamble free in those first 2 months I had no cash at all I recieved 2 food bank vouchers over the various weeks to get food for me and the kids and I got a food shop delivered to me of discretionary support I have to say I dont know what id have done without these at the time. All the stress of the gambling and having no money took its toll and thats when i had my breakdown an was admitted to hospital. The kids had to temporary move in with my ex partner whilst i was in hospital and the weeks i spent in hospital was so tough more so coz for the first time in my life I was away from my kids and that was aweful. The 2 seperate admissions for 2 months at a time left me with hours and hours to go over my life . How had i gone from spending 20 at the bingo a week to 200 a night in the slots . My hospital stay was hard the days felt like weeks and in the whole time I only had 2 visitors my mum came one night i will confess she works 60 hrs a week so couldnt get there more and one of my old school friends came who I think only came out of pity. The children wasnt aloud of the ward but i could book out the childrens room if i wanted them to see me. I made the decision for them not to see me in there which some of you may not understand but I rang them everyday . Whilst in hospital I completed a workbook called my recovery star and it was only when id finished it an read it back that I realised it was all about my gambling.
I made the decision to self exclude soon as I was home .
When I got home I found that my new benefit had been sorted and I was given the 7 weeks back pay and the 8 weeks id been in hospital had added up this was a big challange the first time since it happened that I had money but i contacted paypal and paid a lump sum of what i owed and tried to set up a payment plan only to be told they didnt do them and it would be sent to a recovery company i was so worried that id have bailiffs at my door. My ex partner brought the kids back an I told him I had to self exclude myself . He was great brought his laptop round an together we went on everysite id ever registered on an self excluded I have to admit there was over a hundred it took hours but once done he left . I sat in the house that night an thought about everything to me he still loved me coz he sat with me while i self excluded myself so I told myself to win him back I had to stay gamble free.
Most of the urges I had to gamble was when I had no money or was in hospital so I knew I couldnt so by the time I came home I was still getting urges but not all the time so i truely believe me having the breakdown was a blessing ! .september came an I was re admitted into hospital after taking an overdose this was the worst thing I could have ever done . I was feeling so down and thought everyone would be better off without me I had caused so much hurt. I text my partner saying he wouldnt have to worry about me ever again and he guessed id done something and got an ambulance. I was admitted to the general hospital then transfered to the mental health unit where id spent my last stay. Social services was sent as id taken an overdose whilst the kids was in the house which was the biggest mistake of my life. They was saying all kinds an I sat there thinking o*g thats it youve lost them . Again in hospital as I couldnt gamble i didnt need to worry about my gambling just had to sort my life out .I came out of hospital the second time on november 15th 2016. I hadnt gambled since april but I was aware most of that was because I didnt have the means too.
The kids moved back in with me again and I had meetings with social services weekly till early december when they said the kids was very well looked after and I didnt need them to come out again.
I m so pleased I could have lost them so easy all because of a stupid act.
Xmas was hectic more so with the sudden death of my dad he had gone to work (he was self employed) and somewhere around 12 ish as he only worked till 12.30 on a saturdsy and had, had a massive bleed on the brain . I got a telephone call about 2 to say when he didnt get home my brother called into his scrapyard and he was in a coma on the floor so an ambulance was called where he was taken to hospital . I was telephoned and asked to get to the hospital he had been admitted they hadnt said how critical he was so I got to the hospital thinking he'd had a fall or had a bug anything than what I was about to hear. I got there and a young doctor said to me thanks for getting here so quick we are waiting for you so we can turn off his life support machine ....... what the heck o*g not my dad ! Theres been a mistake! there had to be !
He explained the part of the brain affected by the bleed controled his breathing and movement and his brain would simply stop sending a signal for him to breath and he would die they switched off the life support machine but he fought for about 3 hours then he took his last breath and was gone. All I can remember is screaming at the top of my voice no he cant be gone ! We all broke down how could he be fine one minute and gone the next it didnt seem fair , it didnt make any sence he was just 54 years of age ! My mum has been left a widow at just 49 years old how was that fair. The days since his passing for been a blur really I still cant believe hes gone and I feel so sorry for my mum who is simply lost. The days leading up to the funeral was kept busy while sorting everything out The funeral was held on 28th december and was especially tough we played somewhere over the rainbow by eva cassidy and flying without wings by westlife it was such an emotional day. Then next few days really hit me hard I was suddenly left to realise he was gone . I couldnt wait to see the back of 2016 its been a horrid year. I am currently supporting my mum who has a few weeks off work and this has been keeping me busy so again ive not had the chance to think about gambling. My fear is that now everything is settling down and after all the stress that ill go back gambling which I truely believe would see me in a coffin myself. Then my sister in law messaged me on facebook to tell me about her partner gambling as she knew i had a problem gambling and was searching for any help .So I spoke to my brother in law a few days ago and he told me about this site. Im so glad he did ive been reading the diaries daily and filling out my own. So thats how im here today. I am going to download k9 today and get my eldest hes 18 when hes up to put a password in as another barrier. Losing my dad out the blue has taught me that life is precious and can be taken from us in a shot and as much as im hurting right now my dad would want me to sort myself out once and for all. So thats my plan last week i was giving up but now i see it as a chance for me and my kids to regain our lives back. So although my lifes full of black clouds at the minute the sun is cracking through them and im going to make 2017 my year. Im thinking of speaking to my brother in law about looking into attending GA meetings together for 1 he drives so i could chip in towards petrol and 2 we'd have support from each other but im not too sure if my sister in law would think thats ok or not so going to think it through some more . I just keep thinking back to when I almost gambled the other night I could have been right back there and that scares me so much . I hope in time this becomes easier like you say at the min when im hurting i look for comfort in the slots and thats a dangerous game for me . But for now anyway im still gamble free and proud. Life has dealt me a shocking hand lately but the gambling is my fault I cant blame that on anything or anybody but me.As for my partner doing what he did I still cant get my head around he knew I was vunerable after everything but I cant for the life of me understand why he did what he did but I cant be bitter I love him dearly . I spent the first 2 weeks of my dad dying praying for help to get us back together since he did what he did I pray for help to stop loving him. The relationship I must admit to myself is over and I am soley to blame so I have to live with that forever. I was just 20 when we met he was 26 and he was my first boyfriend he was my everything . Then the slots sneaked in and I was a totally different person. I was lying . Deceitful and not the girl he met so I cant blame him for leaving me . Anyway Ive probably said too much so ill sign off for now but once again thanks for listening
Hiya Sorrygorry, you are one gutsy lady, and you have so much to look forward to with those kids of yours. I had a number of thoughts when reading your diary :-
Hey sorry!!
Thank you for you're most open and honest story. I wish you all the strength in the world for your recovery. Does your ex realise what he did to you was a trigger for you to gamble? If not let him now that it could have put you back to square one. I want to let u know u are a inspiration to me, keep fighting I know the struggle is real x
You really have had a tough time of things haven't you? I don't have anything to add to what's already been said, but I do want to reach out and say hello. A lot of what you've written resonates with me. I'm sure you're missing your Dad greatly and I doubt that you're over the shock of losing him yet.That coupled with everything else is a lot to handle...which just goes to show what a strong woman you are. It's theraputic to get everything out onto your diary, so keep doing that. I'd second the suggestions for gamcare counselling, GA and using the chat on here. A problem shared and all that. You could also look into Cruse berevement counselling if you think that might help. Take things slowly and don't stress yourself by trying to solve all your problems at once. You're doing great...even if doesn't feel like it right now xx
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